As his daughter enters adolescence, the good-enough father's emotional maturity helps him adjust to his daughter's sexual changes. He remembers that he is the adult male figure in her life, rather than starting to see her a peer - as in "wife" or "lover", or as a surrogate parent to him.
During her infancy and early childhood he is affectionate, tender, playful, all the while allowing her to take appropriate risks - just as he would a son.
As she enters pre-adolescence, he re-frames their intimacy. Long gone are the days when he bathed her. Now he gently discourages nudity, which might sexually stimulate either of them. And if his daughter is flirtatious, he does not allow her behavior to throw him off his parental course, nor does he richochet away from her.
It can be a difficult time for him, but he does not over-react by suddenly avoiding her or becoming emotionally distant, not does he over-react by suddenly starting to find fault with her, or by picking fights with her. The sad thing about this kind of over-reaction is that she may perceive it as a lack of love, so he is careful not to let that happen.
In renegotiating his relationship with his daughter, the good-enough father sees himself as a collaborator with her. He becomes instrumental in her passage to independence, encouraging her goals, supporting her strivings, and demonstrating that he cares about them. And this is something he can continue to do even into her adulthood - one of my great joys is talking with my daughter about her developing professional career.
Divorce is rough on a family. But a good-enough father does not allow himself to be goaded either by vengeful ex-wives or by their daughter's confusions and ambivalences. Some daughters of divorce test their father's loyalty to them. Others attack their fathers out of allegiance to their mothers.
Good-enough fathers hang in with these daughters, deflecting emotional flack and steadfastly remaining in their daughter's lives. They know that one day the daughter will be an adult, able to form her own conclusions.
A good-enough father loves his daughter with no strings attached. He is available. He is both strong and tender. He knows that being big and strong doesn't mean being separate from his feelings. Women who experience fathers like this know that a strong man can cry, and that a man who can cry can also be very strong.
If good-enough fathers had parents who treated them with kindness, than they follow their parents' example. But if they did not have happy childhoods, they make it their first priority to UNLEARN the painful lessons of the past.
Good fathering is a lifelong, adaptive process, which requires self-awareness, maturity, and introspection. Is it easy? No. Do good-enough fathers get through it without making mistakes? Never. Do they have regrets? Always.
But a good-enough father can acknowledge to himself, and to his daughter, when he has made a mistake, and then make the necessary changes in his behavior. He can describe his own fears and mistakes, rather than struggle to be the perfect hero. He can give her the gift of his own vulnerability and doubts, sharing what he has done about them to improve his situation. He can be REAL.
The good-enough father is not a knight in shining armor, coming to her rescue in a spectacular way every once in a while. Instead, he is "there for her" on a steady basis, through both good times and bad, and delighting in being a father every pleasurable and painful step of the way.
Most of all, the good-enough father is FAMILIAR. And because he is, he does not become a mythical, idealized or vilified mystery man. Instead, he is man of human scale, sometimes good, sometimes not so good, but altogether good enough - the best possible template for his daughter's future romantic attachments.
