So, I used to hobby much more frequently while in my late 20's and early 30's, this before I left my marriage and relationship of 11+ years.  For the last year, I have been living up the single life and through online dating I have seen more women than I can remember, at times seeing 5 new women a week.

Pretty much, if you get to date #3, you are going to get some action, although sometimes the raunchiest sex even happens on the first date, although not typically.

Anyway, I am now in a relationship with a woman nearly a decade younger (I am mid-30's) and she has the perfect body (5'8", size 4/6, C cup and the best ass I have ever seen, provider, stripper or civilian).  You would think that would be enough to satisfy me, especially given that she has a great career, cooks & cleans after me, and really does just about everything in the bedroom to please me.

Unfortunately, however, after about 6 months now, I am getting very restless and have started hobbying every couple weeks on nights we do not see each other.

So my question is, once you start hobbying, is there ever really any end to it?  Or, is variety really the spice of life and should I just embrace it rather than fight it?  I am playing safe while hobbying and, really, it is not a feeling of guilt that I suffer from but rather a feeling of a lack of self-control.

Would love to hear from others in relationships with very attractive women who still enjoy the hobby and their feelings on the subject.

I have been hobbying for maybe 15 years now, through a first marriage, several years of being single, and now into a second marriage.

I love my wife, and we still have sex a few times a month, but I can't seem to get over the excitement of seeing a new young girl.

Plus, I'm unemployed right now, and I still hobby occasionally with money I don't really have.

Good luck sir.

I think this is like all enjoyable things.  You go through seasons. In some, you seem to be able to enjoy a lot of something you like, and in others you find enjoyment elsewhere.

Your question implies there is something that needs to be fought.  That's probably true if you're in a bad financial situation or something like that.  Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing.

I find the interactions I have with women in the hobby to be very healthy and fun experiences.  That's the last thing I want to fight.  

When I'm in a relationship with someone I care about I tend to hobby less, but when I do a feel no guilt.  Hobbying gives me a release and a freedom without the baggage of other affairs.  In some cases, this has actually prolonged my other relationships ...

So ... enjoy your life and enjoy women.  

(BTW - I hope you like the girl you're dating for more than her body and her cooking and cleaning skills!  If not, your relationship is doomed no matter how great her ass is.)

...wood



-- Modified on 12/3/2007 9:33:07 AM

Some of us are never satisfied, and you seem to be one of us, oops I meant them. lol

On the positive side, it does seem like you are able to hobby and still mantain a healthy civvie love life. Many if not most men pick one or the other, I also try to get the best out of both.

I might be projecting, but I beleive if you ever fall "truly" in love again the hobby might become just a memory. In the meantime be careful and enjoy. That's my plan at least.

you just have to choose it... remember it is your life and you choose what happens...

you prob should be honest with this woman and/or let her go...

(get tested!)

Why not keep dating and having fun? ... don't fuck up her life...

you can quit anything if you have the desire or will... heck if people can quit smoking or smack.... you can quit hobbying....

with anything... the easiest way is to substitute your hobby with something worthy of letting it go... like for the sake of others.

Good luck. Love is acceptance... sex is mechanics...

You are not alone, I among many men, crave and need the company of many different women in order to achieve sexual satisfaction.

It's a bit like being a square peg in a round hole because this society is not welcoming to this point of view in the least.

On the other hand, to fight it is to fight a losing battle.

It certainly helps to have a SO who understands and supports this, but such women are quite rare understandably.

I am very grateful to have met one, but till then, the best advice is to stay foot loose and fancy free.

It's not really such a  bad a way to be doomed if you think about it.  It's not hard to see people much worse off.

You know in this message maybe I missed it but you did not describe how you felt about her, mostly you evaluted her physically and skill wise.

So maybe the real question is do you care enough for her to do the same? If so have you thought of being a swinging couple? Maybe she like some spice as well if things are going to hell in a hand basket what does it hurt to talk to her about it.

How about if just a commitment issue, lets face it marriages/divorces are rough at times and can leave one jaded and scarred, could you be afraid of that kind of pain happening again?

I think though at the end of the day, only you can make the decision if you really want to give up hobbying.

Either way good luck with it.

It sounds like you are identifying what freedom means for yourself.  After terminating a long term relationship it seem only natural that you enjoy the widest varity that the single life has to offer.

Why put yourself in the position to force a choice.  Both hobbying and the single life style (or even a non-committed - not married relationship) are compatible.  It is a matter of keeping the maximum number of options available.

Its a great question, thanks for raising it.

I myself am happily married and would be crushed if my hobbying ended up hurting my marriage.   Ironically, the best sex is with my SO - its just that we get older, her libido (never terribly strong to begin with), has dropped off considerably while mine is as strong as when I was in my 20's.  

While I love being with hot women - and the variety aint bad either - I find that the lack of intimacy for me can't replace what I have at home.   Unfortunately, my SO would never believe/understand that so I'm not taking chances and being honest with her (maybe someday when we're in our 60's but not today).

Therefore, I think hobbying will be a phase for me.  A long phase going on five years but a phase.   I can say this because I know that I'm in it for the mechanics - and the variety, while fun, can't compare to the history that I have with my SO.

Final thought - there is always lots of discussion  of Viagra on these boards.  I myself can't wait for the day when my libido drops.  That's when I'll probably stop hobbying!

ElSolrac,

Thanks for bringing up the obvious, which I was honestly blind to before you brought it up.

My girlfriend occasionally tells me that she loves me more than I love her, as well as more than she loved any other man before me.  She tells me that she only wishes that one day I can love her as much as I loved my ex.

I don't doubt that my #1 reason for the relationship is frequent and unprotected sex.  She is on the pill and vigilant about taking her pill daily, although I do realize that if she wanted to, she could potentially trap me.

The sex with my girlfriend is mostly fantastic, although I do wish she measured up to a true blowjob queen who I dated for a couple months earlier this year who seemed to lack a gag reflex.  Ohmygod, the head was sooooo good and the sex would have been even better than what I am having now had we lasted just a bit longer and she went on the pill (no condom).

But, currently, I am rewarded with anal sex a minimum of once per month (on average about once every 3 weeks) and she does enjoy rough sex (choking, slapping, hairpulling, spanking) and this is far more frequent, about 1/3 of the time.

I wish she would consider swinging but she will not.  When we are not engaged in anal sex, choking & slapping, she does enjoy a good Sunday morning church service and has made it clear that monogamy is a must.

So, how do I feel about her?  I REALLY LIKE her but I don't think I am IN LOVE with her.  I am IN LOVE with our sex, but I do have a hard time, at least thus far, seeing myself married to her and with children.  

For a moment, I thought I was going to break up with her recently, as she does have a lot of issues with her girlfriends and her career that I find bothersome, but we have now worked past those issues, for now.  It is hard to give up such a giving partner and I would be hardpressed to immediately find a quality woman who gave herself as completely to me as this one does.  

That just makes it all the more frustrating that I am still motivated to want to go out and have safe sex that sets me back $$ each time when I know that if I would just hold out for an extra day that I would get a night with multiple releases with my girlfriend.

Honestly, I think the best thing is to just ride it out for as long as I can before she demands marriage.  If at that time I am not 99.9% sure about it, I will move on.  For now, however, I think I would be a fool to give up what I have, and I guess I should just hobby on happily every couple weeks, meanwhile.

Thanks for the comments.

Re: Am I doomed? YES, you are.

as long as you don't feel that overwhelming desire for a woman that goes beyond sex.   You know it when you feel it.

I would stop hobbying in an instant if my wife returned to even a moderate sexual appetite.  I wouldn't even go on TER again.  Serious.

But when you get NONE...zip.  You gotta do something.

As I am now older - the urge to stick it in every female I see is (mostly) gone.  I literally lust after my wife.  It's tough to have this situation.

So Mr. Zorro - find the woman that gives you the feeling I'm describing her OR you should do that lady a favor and let he go find the man who will marry her and make her truly happy by being really loved.

Re: Am I doomed? YES, you are.

let the lady u have move on with her life and u live urs as u see fit just dont hurt her why ur tryin to find ur self its just wrong and this is why men have a bad name already !

You are an adreniline junkie. It hasd NOTHING to do with sex, or commitment, or relationships.

You, (and I) seek the adreniline rush of ACTION.

It's why you can't stop at 10K, it's why i do tri's. (thanks for putting me onto that 5 years ago, BTW)

Jumped out of any planes lately....?

While the rest need DIFFERENT to live.

There is no end to it.

BK,

Thanks for the feedback.  I think you are onto something, here.  Perhaps, it really is that I need to feel that rush.  To be perfectly honest, although I committed to exclusivity with this woman 6 months ago, for the next three months, I continued to see another woman 2-3 times a week and even took her halfway around the world with me (the other woman) for a couple weeks when my girlfriend was unavailable to get away due to work commitments.  I really lived on the edge for three entire months until the other woman tried to force commitment and make me stop seeing my girlfriend (who was completely in the dark about the other woman).

Really, it was the best of both worlds, as I would alternate having incredible sex between the two of them for three entire months...I will forever cherish those three months, although I was one tired motherfucker and slept an average of four hours per night, but had an average of probably 1.75 times per day.  Somehow, I pulled it off, though, and now have been truly exclusive for 4 months, with the exception of occasional hobbying.

Glad I was able to turn you onto tri's.  Me, I am still doing half marathons but I have NO desire to do a full marathon...it is just counterproductive.  One other great thing about my current woman...she was a high school athlete (x-country, track, etc.) and has even run half marathons with me, so, really, am I a fool to not pin this one down?  I don't know.  She has expressed a desire to marry me and have my children, and while flattering (and while I play along), I am just not sure yet.  Hopefully a few more weeks or months time will tell.

I respect what the others have said about letting this woman go, but I do not yet agree.  I mean, come on, are most people really sure about their partner after only 7 months?  I could see if I was with her for a couple years already, but that is hardly the case.

Jumping planes is something I will avoid...don't need the adrenaline THAT bad.

Shit...I just wish I was easier to satisfy.  I mean if someone told me a year ago, as I was ending my 12 year relationship/6 year marriage, that I would be having the kind of sex I am with a hot, quality, woman nearly a decade my junior, and that I was unhappy, I would want to kick MY OWN ass.

Yet, here I am, in what most men would find to be a very enviable position, yet I cannot appreciate it.  I mean the kind of sex I am having with this woman would not be possible with even the most expensive of providers...it is priceless...bareback everything, multiples, rough sex, anal sex, prostate massage, sex in semi-public places, and more.

Really, I am totally lusting after a woman in my office (never mind that I am her employer) who is possibly even hotter than my girlfriend, about 5'9", 135 pounds, long black hair, almond shaped eyes, latina, possibly a natural D cup, working on her MBA, two years younger than my girlfriend, with a boyfriend that she has indicated is dispensible.  She is so fucking hot and I want to cream my pants everytime she walks by my office or comes to me for help.  What is scary is that she is the perfect combination of the woman I was seeing in secret and my girlfriend.  My girlfriend has the perfect body, as does this one, while my secret lover had the most exotic and dangerous good looks.  

If I could have what I have with my girlfriend with this woman in my office, I would be a happy man...at least until I got bored of her and started hobbying again.

(I know this is all about me and my childhood and my relationship with my father and the positioning of the moon, etc.)  As I write this, I watch this sexy motherfucker right in front of my eyes at the copy machine with her oh-so-sexy body and her long black hair and her long fingers that could be pleasuring my prostate and her sexy mouth that could be deepthroating my cock and her long legs that could be wrapped around me and her beautiful ass that could be submitting to me).  Kill me now, why dontcha?

"It is not a feeling of guilt that I suffer from but rather a feeling of a lack of self-control."
That is an interesting statement it kind of points to a sex addiction maybe. If this woman is everything you claim she is something is wrong with you. Most of the men on this board including myself are looking for what you have going even though most wont admit it. But they go on and on about a gfe like having sex with a hooker is a meaningful relationship. You sound like you have a nice income why not spend some money to see a counselor to discuss your lack of self control.

Perhaps the indication that the therapist and I were not a good fit, but I was seeing a therapist earlier this year (about 5 sessions) after I was struggling when the Blowjob Queen and I broke up (I STILL miss those BJ's!)...during our sessions, the therapist seemed to be a little too amused with all the women I was dating (about 5 new ones a week for awhile) and the stories about the random sex, to be of much assistance to me.  

Maybe I should give this therapist another chance, although there are plenty of therapists out there, but this guy did specialize in addictions, including sex addiction which was one reason I chose him.  Then again, maybe he meant HE was addicted to hearing his patients stories about sex!

Yep. I'm with MadMike on this one. Sex addiction and/or a possible manic state is worth exploring with a therapist. Coming down from a manic state can feel much like a landing from a parachute jump, but without the having the parachute. If that's the case, you definitely want to be prepared. If it is a sexual addiction, then the sex will always be more important that any relationship.

With 5 sessions together, your therapist might have been still trying to develop a therapeutic alliance with you, thereby not firmly confronting you on your behavior. However, you do not want to work with someone who is using your experiences for his own personal gratification. You might want to return and confront him regarding your perceptions. And, if it is an issue of experiencing manic states, a psychiatrist is a better person to diagnose and threat it.

And that goes triple if you're the boss.

A sexual harassment suit will make a divorce settlement seem like a parking ticket.

Are you smoking more but enjoying it less?

I would ask the question a bit differently:

Are you screwing more but enjoying it less?

If the hobby beomes a burden, then it is time to reevaluate everything.

Addictions can turn pleasures into nightmares.

If it's no longer fun, then consider just going without and see what comes up.  It may hold keys for getting the angst out of the situation you are in.

Another person whom you should ask advice from is The Love Goddess over on The Erotic Highway Board, just to your left.  She is very gifted at setting things straight.

Of course, I may just be self-destructive enough to be unable to resist.  I knew I should have asked her out instead of hired her!  (seriously, I did interview her and while she is 100% qualified and perfect for the position, yes, I did also favor her looks)

This woman is a new addition to the company, only around for about 6 weeks ago, and I have been gone for half that time, looking like a big man, traveling to exotic places halfway around the globe.  I have solicited feedback from a longtime trusted employee & friend who shares workspace with her and who she has confided in, and from that I know that she would consider an advance by a man who seemed to be a better catch than her boyfriend, and I, at least on the surface am a better catch (little does she know just how FUCKED UP I am).

This same confidant just fucked me up some more today when he told me that he saw her stretching and her blouse rose up exposing six-pack abs.  Oh my god, she looks so great walking around the office, strutting her long legs and shaking her ass, while her perfect tits bounce in synch.

TROUBLE!!!

Re: Am I doomed? YES, you are.

Candy,

Providers who see guys like me are NOT exactly helping give guys a good name, either.

It depends on lots of things that are peculiar to you, though.

In my case, I stopped hobbying after my ATF retired and have almost zero interest in returning. I never experienced a doubles session and I'll probably schedule one soon and that will be that.

At least that's my story right now.

It is not fair to her. Your relationship is built on lies "I committed to exclusivity with this woman 6 months ago". She fills your need the best she can.

You have a need she can't fill (want other women). If you can find a lady who accepts that, so be it. She wants exclusivity. If you can't accept that, then let her know. She can then decide whether she is willing to compromise in that area. If she can't, you need to let her go so she can find someone else.

"I mean, come on, are most people really sure about their partner after only 7 months?"

If you were 18 years old, I would tell you to date other women. You are not, and you know what is out there. You might not know after 7 months if you want to commit to a lifetime, but right now, you are only committing to a day at a time. If you can't do that, then you have no hope of committing to a lifetime.

Date her for 2 years before you commit to a lifetime. If you can be monogamous for those 2 years, then you know whether you want to continue for a lifetime.

However, my guess is that you cannot commit to anyone for a lifetime. You have a sexual addiction that will need to be addressed first. If you are fortunate enough to find a lady who is like you, then that works too.

Z, I don't know you, nor am I a shrink, so feel free to either ignore my advice or just tell me to fuck off- it's your option.  But after 7 years of reading variations of this same post by you, I think you've revealed more about yourself than you may realize.  Unfortunately, you're still struggling to see it.

Allow me to be blunt, I think I've earned it after all these years.  The subtext that runs through all your posts is based on a deep-seated insecurity.  There- the 800 pound gorilla is finally out.  You may not recognize it as such, but it's there just beneath the surface in nearly all your posts.  I can't speculate as to its origins, nor is it my business, only you can work on that aspect of it.  

It's taken the form of bragging about money, about the size of your house, your property in South Africa, how much you make for your age, your cars, how you're self-made, your physical/athletic exploits, your countless female conquests etc. etc.  But none of these things will ever be enough for you until you do a little introspection and realize they are manifestations of a deeper problem- they're just the bandage you put on a much deeper wound that's hidden from sight.

Scrape aside all the bragging and there's this incredible need for affirmation stemming from a deeper underlying insecurity.  Just like this post, you usually couch this need for affirmation in the form of a question.  And contained in the question are always enough things to provoke the sort of response you want to hear from all of us.  You didn't used to be very sophisticated about it, as a search of your older posts reveals.  You were making good money and were basically high on yourself and wanted everybody on TER to know it.  A hearty round of " You da man, Zorro," was enough to sustain you back then.  But buying a drink for an alcoholic rarely cures him.  Just as all the encouragement you got on TER did nothing except temporarily make you think you were accomplishing something while giving you carte blanche to pursue more dysfunctional behavior.

But things have changed in the last few years as you've come to realize none of your exploits have brought you true happiness- none of the things, and none of the people.  It was easy to blame your marriage back in the day, but now your wife is gone and you're back at the same point.  So who and what does that leave?

This girl you're dating isn't the problem, nor is she the answer.  The same was true for the last one and the next one you haven't met yet- and the one after her.  And the questions you ask us are just diversion and misdirections from the real problem, though most guys here will take the bait and tell you what you want to hear- just like in the past.

Frankly, rather than being impressed by your exploits, I've always thought you were a sort of tragic figure here on TER.  I felt you were smart enough to know something was wrong, but totally unable to see what it was and how to fix it.  For many years I didn't think you were even serious about wanting to fix it.   You'd touch base here for a quick pat on the back from your bros and you were on your way again to repeat your dysfunctional behavior patterns.  

But now you're a little older and maybe getting more serious about achieving real happiness.  So I hope you'll find a therapist you like and seriously work on getting to the REAL issues, not the ones you say are issues when you post questions like this on this board.  You've posted about symptoms for years- but they are the effects of the problem, not the cause.  I hope you'll scrape away all the bullshit and justificatons for what you've been doing and start to examine your life so you can begin to re-construct your life the way you want it.  

I'm speaking with some experience on the subject because I went through my own version of what you're going through in the early 90's and it took me many years to work through it.  But it's possible and it's worth the effort.  Best of luck in your pursuit.




-- Modified on 12/4/2007 7:26:43 PM

G2,

I totally agree with you.  

Listen, I am no longer trying to act like the big man and show everybody how big (or little) my dick is through being a braggart.

I have had one failed marriage now and I do want to find my soulmate, potentially have a child or two, have a nice lifestyle but with some meaning behind it, and live happily ever after.  It is quite possible that I can have this with my current woman, as it is all that she wants, too, and we do enjoy an incredible chemistry, both in and out of the bedroom.

I realize my behaivor is self-destructive and I want to be content with things that I know others could only dream of having in their lives, namely a woman like the one I have and an opportunity for a beautiful life.  

Already, I am considering returning to school for my graduate degree (even if I am self-employed) and I do want to return to therapy to hopefully figure out things a little more constructively than hobbying myself into a dark hole.  Again, however, I am only hobbying a couple times a month and when I do, I am sure to do it on nights I am completely solo...in and out in about an hour flat...never missed.  If I can keep it to that minimum, I think I will be alright...the real danger is if I go after that young woman in my office or if I don't ignore the occasional calls/e-mails I receive from woman I have been with earlier this year.

G2, I do appreciate your thoughtful response.  Although the occasional "yes man" is nice, it is far better to have the insights that you have generously taken the time to offer.

She sounds like a great find to be honest with ya, she is giving of herself as much as she can. I hope that for you it doesn't become of those things where you never knew what you had until it was too late and you lost her.

My only concern with her and yourself is that she maybe living the fantasy of getting married and etc. But really that just an assumption you can ask what she wants from the relationship and if she tells you something you do not think you can provide it will be your decision as to what step to take next. Who knows maybe she wants the same things you do.

To find (or perhaps create) happiness a person needs to have done some things.

  First you have to believe in your innermost soul that you deserve to be happy and genuinely want that for yourself.

  Second you have to learn what in life will bring you happiness. This also means you have to learn who you are.

  Third you have to accept that you have the power to make choices that will lead you to happiness and take responsibility for yourself, your choices and their consequences to yourself and others.

  Your contributions to this thread reveal an almost astonishing degree of self-destructive behavior. Despite your comments, your actions show an almost total disregard for the potential damage your behavior poses to others in your life. You also show a refusal to acknowledge that you have complete control over any decisions you make regarding the woman at work, or women you have previously seen.

  Your plan to carefully restrict your hobbying so that you reduce to a minimum the likely hood that you will be found out strikes me as all to similar to controlled drinking by an alcoholic. It merely offers you an ongoing opportunity to "slip" with all the attendant consequences.

  My advice, for what it is worth, is stop hobbying or tell your SO whats going on. Either way find a therapist.

Good Luck
-J

The only diference with me is I'm approaching 30 & want to change for the better. Being the male version of Paris Hilton isn't cute, the older I get. My therapist is helping me to deal w/ my self-loathing, I guess that why I realize I see unattractive to average providers. Good luck to you.

Not that I necessarily disagree with anything you have to say, but you're still a buzzkill. lol