I'm always shocked when I read how many married men on this site have to deal with a wife that simply no longer wants to have sex.

Marriage isn't all about sex, of course, but sex is an important part of being a married couple.  So when one person decides to opt out, IMO  they've opted out of the marriage too.  At that point, you simply have a shared living arrangement.  I'm assuming there aren't medical problems or some other circumstance preventing sex.

I would never hobby if I were happily married, but I think any guy whose wife has unilaterally decided to be celibate has the right to hobby his ass off.  And under those circumstances, wifey should have no complaint about the expense or anything else, since it's a situation of her own making.

My SO and I will soon be "celebrating" four point four years of uninterrupted and unwanted celibacy together that is not voluntarily on my part.

In my late forties I was faced with the reality of knowing that there would be zero intimacy between us.
 
After medical specialists, counseling and two long years of waiting patiently yet unsuccessfully for things to improve between us failed I realized that it was time to give this hobby lifestyle a try.

The only medical condition that my wife has is that after menopause she was advised by her primary as well as a specialist that she desperately needed hormone therapy replacement. She decided not to go that route due to the dangers that hormone therapy caused at that time.

In all the years that we were married right to the bitter end she knew just how in love I was with her and how my interest in intimacy with her was forever.

Towards the end intimacy once a month was the norm but deep down inside she knew that it was not enough for me. She knew that I was interested as often as I imagined other healthy married couples in love would be.

I often wonder how she could possibly image me, who was always interested in intimacy, could go all this time with none. She never asks how I survive.

I sometimes wonder if deep down inside she may know what I do but prefers to just ignore it.

That she knows what you're doing, and if so, why isn't she confronting you about it?

I like to pay for it, when I'm being lied to.

My wife knows about the hobby.  She didn't have to confront me.  She doesn't like it and doesn't want to know specifics.  But she is pondering joining me.  Go figure.

and doesn't care. She knows I like to play and as long as I come home to her all is well.  She would be very upset if i had a civvie date, but P4P is fine.

I made it a condition of staying with her, explaining that I had no intention of being celibate for the rest of my life.  She understood (and BTW she can do  whatever she wants, too), but once she knew I was doing it she became much less comfortable and it's caused some strains.  Bottom line: I don't intend to stop.
PS: I've been married twice and have been faithful until now.  But at least I've never lied about it.  My previous hobbying took place between my two marriages.

My spouse essentially took the position that she did not need sex, so I could not have it.  I became frustrated and angry with her continued refusal to have sex with me and entered the hobby.  Now she is curious about why I don't pursue her any more.  Go figure.  

LADIES....LISTEN UP !!!  It is not right to deny your spouse...PERIOD.  I don't care that YOU don't want or need sex.  You'd damn well better remain available to your husband.  It's that simple.  

But to be fair  to my wife, it wasn't entirely her fault.  Yes, menopause had something to do with it.  But I bear a lot of the responsibility.  Honestly, I just don't think I'm cut out for monogamy.  Some guys just aren't.  But we also don't want to be loners, so we're caught in the middle.  I'm just playin' it day by day.

I almost divorced her right there. Frankly, if I had wanted to have sex with other women, I would have married THEM instead of HER.

I am in that situation as well. being in her mid 50's menopause and some medical problems contribute to her lack of sex drive, but she has dicided that sex is no longer part of her life. Ironically she was much more sexually active in her younger years before we met than I ever was.

She does not know I hobby and assumes that I will just live without sex. If she found out she would be devistated and most likly send me packing. But there are many other factors to consider before going thru a divorce of which are too personal to post on this site.

If we were intimate only once or twice a month I'd be happy to quit the hobby, but never is never enough.

And with good reason, since she caught me once before. But I think she doesn't bring it up anymore because the argument is pointless...

"Did you see another girl today?"

"No."

"I think you did!"

"I didn't."

Where else do you go with that? I am much more careful now than I used to be, so there is never any evidence to prove anything. Do I feel bad about it? Yes, sometimes. But not bad enough to stop.

but have come to accept that is what it will be for me for good...

When I was married there were times I wasn't really feeling like having sex, usually from being tired, but I did it anyway because my wife was in the mood.  And guess what?  The mere act of going through the motions, even if reluctantly at first, starts to get the juices flowing (both literally and figuratively) and before long you're feeling the warmth and the intimacy and the pleasure of being close to the woman you love, and the next thing you know you're enjoying yourself.

In other words, even if you weren't in the mood, you get in the mood as you start the process of interacting with your partner.  As you get older (I'm 60), sex become less of a athletic or physical act and more of an intimate one.  Or at least it does if you don't say I don't ever want to have sex again, go away.  That shared intimacy is an important part of nurturing the relationship through years.  But you short circuit all of that when you are pushing your husband away.

You don't have to have wet panties like you did in your 20's to be able to enjoy sex later in life.  But you DO need to participate to enjoy sex.

Amen, my brothers!!! In less than 10 years my wife and I have gone from having sex every 2-3 days, to once a week, to once a month, to once a year, to not at all last year. While it used to really piss me off, I've been with 5 different providers in the past year, and I have no intentions of stopping. While I don't care for the sneaking about, hobby phones, and computer encryption software, she can't possibly think for a second that I'm doing without. She doesn't ask, and I don't tell. Funny thing is, she costs me much more than the providers, regularly rolling up bills of almost a thousand dollars a week shopping, dining out with her friends, travel, and continually denting up her cars. She's the most expensive piece of ass on the planet that I'm not getting...

I was having a conversation with a client the other day about this subject.  He asked me if I ever planned on retiring, getting married, if I could be monogomous, etc.  The answer of course was yes.

He also asked if I think my sexuality/desire will remain when I get married. (Good question!)  I told him that ironically, I think that what Ive learned about men as a provider will probably make me a better wife than if Id never become one.  Men for the most part are sexual creatures and they desire a variety of women (whether they act on it or not.)  So knowing what I do now, I just cant see denying a partner or husband sex.  (Other than for being sick, injured, etc.)  But of course over time, relationships and priorities change and thats just an inevitable part of life.

Since then, I think ... Getting a mistress is stupid and P4P is very smart .. that is if you don't want a divorce.  Been hobbying for 30 years and never been caught. But the mistress thing was the one that did it, but had to dump her if I were to stay married.

I'm in similar situation except I'm not even married yet. We've been together for 10+ years now and were both pretty darn young when we started out. First few years sex was awesome and often but faded to almost nothing. I don't understand how she thinks every few months would be okay for me. The worse part is that when we do have sex is really bad. I would score it as 4 at max. I think she thinks I'm her personal ATM as she's always asking me to buy stuff for her which I don't do anymore although I do end up paying everything else like food and living.

I'm really fed up with her and have been thinking of dumping her but I just don't know how. She still thinks we're going to get married and have kids. That option went out of door years ago. There reason I find it difficult to dump her is that we both came to US less than a year ago. She is studying here and is completely financially dependent on me.

I guess the easiest would be for her to just catch me but that getting out could cost me my job. Also I wouldn't want the screaming and breaking things that would follow. Some years ago she found my porn stash and got completely crazy about that too.

If anyone has any good advice how to break to her or better yet make her think it was her idea to break up. I would greatly appreciate. I'm only in my early 30's any I want my life back.

There are ways of ending things and still being decent about it.  You need to talk to a lawyer.

I have been there.  I was in a relationship for 10 years and got out of it by moving countries and not bringing her with me.  We still own property together which we rent out.  It is VERY hard.

All I can say is to just do it.  The pain will be gone in a few months.  A few months after that you will start hanging out with new people and things will start getting better.

Don't expect anyone who knows you as a couple to forgive you though.  But ask yourself if you are REALLY OK with living like this FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE ?!?!

Of course, then I met my wife.... sex 2-3 times a week (I would have preferred 4-5, and her 1-2.... but she was prepared to compromise!) ... got married.  Did not get sex for the next 3 days (ya, really!) ... that kinda set the tone from then on.

2 kids later and I can't remember when I last had sex with her.

To put this in perspective, I am in my 30's ....

-- Modified on 2/11/2011 8:01:15 PM

Why lawyer? We are not married so there should be any legal obligations. Although in this country everything seems to be possible. I certainly don't want to just kick her out but I also don't want to support her after we are done. We still have our apartment lease till summer so once it's up I'm going to move much closer to my work and she does know that I'm looking for apartment from there but I guess that hasn't really sunken in. It could easily double or triple her commute to her school because of traffic to that direction on mornings.

...who are you directing the "LADIES.......LISTEN UP!!!" to?  I hardly think that any wives or SO's are on this site - unless of course, they are providers and participants in the lifestyle too, either of which would make your point moot.....

unless she's just too generous and open-minded.

We also had some shared assets before moving but thank fully we liquidated it because we wouldn't have gotten enough rent to cover the cost so it made sense even though we made a small loss with the sale.

To be honest I'm scared shitless of being alone although I've had some practice since we've lived several months in different countries in the past couple years. If I had been smart I would have left her behind earlier. It would have been less messy but things weren't really this bad until we got here.

I guess I just have to bite the bullet and let her know that she is not in my future plans and she has to decide whether to go back home or try to make it here on her own.

I don't think I will ever want to get married. Just too many bad examples. Both parents have married and divorced several times. They just don't seem to learn. Although I'm sure there will be day that I will also do that but I just know that it will be headed for disaster. I just don't have that one particular type that I really like so even though I would have a perfect 10 for wife I would want for something else too. Although I'm sure I could be faithful for quite sometime if that also came with a nice personality and decent skills.

But that seems a bit uninformed for anyone reasonably informed about women’ s sexuality. Of course, sex is an important part of being a married (any) couple. OTOH, it is no secret that some women struggle with libido as they enter into menopause. Then again, many men struggle with libido, as well as physical limitations  as they age.

But neither is written in stone. Neither automatically bodes the end of sexuality. It does require some adjustment in perspective.

I think it’s a bit short-sighted to automatically categorize a reduced libido as your wife actively  “opting out” of sex, or concluding that she has “unilaterally decided to be celibate” (presumably to deliberately make her husband miserable?).

There are myriad things that go into creating an erotic environment; especially when you have been partnered up with someone for many years. It takes creativity on both sides to keep sexuality alive.

If some of you guys put half the effort and energy into romancing your wives, that you do ‘courting’ your p4p gals, you might find your wives to be surprisingly pliable.

And, even if the sexual spark in your marriage has been completely squelched? You should think twice about declaring that all of the fault resides with your wife.

You and the other manginas who are constantly getting their panties up in a bunch every time someone uses an alias.

...you may not neeed a lawyer.  But, then again, when she gets together with her girl-friends and they all start stirring the pot, one of them could fill her mind wtih crap about suing you (common law wife, etc.). It might be worthwhile to check on how any laws in your state may apply.  Even if she can't win she can still cause you trouble and cost you some lawyer fees.  One thing I did was to go to a site called justanswers.com. You can pay about $50 to a lawyer from your state to answer any questions you may have.  I got some fairly useful info that way which at least put my mind at rest for a while.
One option, too, is to be generous with her and give her some money or help her get an apt. that you pay for for a few months. Sometimes that's cheaper than fighting, but it depends on your financial situation.

You can be sure that if marriage #2 ends in divorce I won't be goin' for #3.  Ever.  I like being alone.  And I like the "hunt" of finding new partners for P4P.  Marriage in the modern age is extremely tough to hold together, viz. the 50% divorce rate.  That's what makes the whole anti-gay marriage thing so funny.  Gays will violate the "sanctity" of marriage, right?  They couldn't possibly do any worse than us heteros!  LOL.

guys wouldn't need to P4P, or at least not as often.

The best response to the concept of a partner wanting sex when the other wasn't fully 'in the mood' was: "If your mate wanted a sandwich but you weren't hungry, would you still make one for them?".  Even if the guy can't get it up for whatever reason, DATY serves pretty well to communicate the affection and caring in the relationship not to mention the physical satisfaction.  Women have it a little easier being able to just apply lube when the physiology doesn't permit.

Now, when one's mate doesn't even want to put for the effort or care enough about the other person to make a sandwich, that sadly says something pretty bad about the relationship.  Am right now in a relationship with about 2 times a year, but it's convenient in so many other ways and we're not married.  Of course I hobby to meet my needs, but I'd much prefer to be getting it within the context of a solid relationship.  On the other hand, it beats being trapped in a loveless situation with no outlet.  So, rather than a completely fulfilling relationship, I've settled for contentment with interspersed joy.

Because once we discussed the matter, she had a reasonable reason. I wasn't thrilled, but that's just the way things go sometimes.

As for the alias, well, I have VIP so I can do so and I'm using it within the rules.

When we had kids, my sex life was over with the wife.  She pushed me to the back of the bus and ignored me.  Didn't have sex for 7 years (and still haven't) until I said screw this and had an affair.  Then I found hobbying.  Like some of you guys, I told her there was no chance in hell I was going without sex another 7 months much less 7 years and I would take care of myself.

Unbelievable how many people are in sexless marriages.  So wrong.

OK, time to break it into simple parts so you can understand.  OK, maybe not, but I will have done my part and if it isn't enough, well too bad.

"Why are you here?":  Since he said he wasn't interested in sex with another woman it seems odd to be on TER

"Why do you have an alias?":  Not only are you on here, but you have a VIP membership, either paying for it which seems odd if you're not looking to meet one of the escorsts.  Or via reviews, which again doesn't fit.

So, even though my simple question was not simple enough for some VERY sipmplistic minds such as yours, it's both appropriate to the thread and not an insult at all.

Fortunately Heart Attack understood just fine and provided an answer below, while you just provided another Pigly Man insult.

"Dawn-Of-the-Dumb", I like that.  It fits you so well.

Reasonable explaination.

My first time posting so bear with me.

I have no problems with my wife.  She is gorgeous, hot-blooded, very into kinky sex, and everything I could want.  It's not because of her.  It's because I love being with many different women.  I didn't want to just pick up girls at bars or even go for intimate encounters because I was afraid that the girl would get clingy, or find my wife and tell her, etc.  So I turned to this.  And once I did it, I couldn't stop.  I still have active sex with my wife, and I love it, but I need more.  Eating the same thing every day just isn't the type of guy I am.  Call me selfish, but I want to have my cake and eat it too. No matter how good my wife is in bed, and no matter how hot she is, I love the thrill of being with someone new.  
I guess if she found out I'd be in deep shit.