(assuming of course that you would want to marry *anyone* !! )

if you were in a relationship with someone who knew you as a provider - someone with whom you shared a great deal of respect and trust and had lived with happily for a while, who happily shared the chores and responsibilities and tribulations and expenses of housekeeping, who did not care if you continued to be a provider or made other career choices or even if you wanted to just be taken care of, someone who got along with your family very well and was well liked and respected by them and by your friends, someone who was very financially secure and whom you felt was attractive and a satisfying lover, someone whose tastes in life complimented yours, who was an excellent chef,  and someone you felt that you wanted to marry,

but

who was considerably older

had a serious medical condition that was likely
to eventually lead to progressive disability

and - wait for this

knew that it was not in his nature to live the straight and narrow

and you knew it - knew that he would never be sexually exclusive to you... that he most likely would not "fall" for anyone else but would continue to actively but safely and discreetly "hobby" for as long as he could....

and you really wanted him exclusively...

really wanted him to marry you....

would you want this person to agree to marry you anyway?

Or to put what he considered to be your best interests ahead of your emotions, move out, and leave you time and space to get over it and move on?



-- Modified on 11/28/2008 4:37:10 PM

yep, sure.

If I wanted those things with a fellow then yes, I would be fine with it.

The progressive disease with likely permanent disability might be an issue if he didnt take immaculate care of himself as a preventative measure.

Otherwise, I would be fine with marrying a guy who continued to safely and discreetly hobby.

Although, I would not want to be privy to details or instances.

I believe that we are attracted to certain types of men and we just have to accept what we are attracted to instead of fight it. In other words, find someone of your type that is the best one of your type that matches you.

In other words, find someone with issues that are compatible with you and your issues.

xo lisa









-- Modified on 11/28/2008 10:29:05 PM

WOW  That’s a lot to consider. Me personally I would rather you go and let me move on If I were that much in love with you  despite wanting you all to my self and knowing that would never be I think eventually  I would resent you and my self. I don’t see how one person can be so devoted  and self sacrificing to another knowing that  they will only have the here and now and when you are with some one else they will get the same of you.  For me in the long run that would be to heartbreaking.

no, if I were that much in love with someone, I would let them go, so that they were happy, that old saying comes to mind, if you love someone, set them free, if they come back to you, it was meant to be, if not, it never was,
set each other free, I say.

Every relationship has it's own aspects that may be accepted in one but not in another.
It's between the two involved, and what you each bring into the relationship often determines, the direction you go in as a couple.
Its too complicated a subject to answer without actually knowing the other person.
I feel it may work for someone, but  not for many. People are possesive by nature for the most part. They want to stake their claim and usually adding in other partners unless or even when the 2 people involved are strong people, comfortable with themselves, it often does not work.
Now you also added in a large age difference, and an illness if I read you correctly, like I said you are asking a lot since its all so "what if"
Relationships are all about bending and comprimises finding the middle ground. Oh Hell~ Don't ask me though I just failed horribly in "Relationships 101" myself. It was a blood bath, well not literally!!! lol More like a crash and burn really.

All I can say is, Good luck with that!!


-- Modified on 11/28/2008 6:29:29 PM

-- Modified on 11/29/2008 2:05:25 PM

You need to follow your heart.  It like what is it telling me to do.  I am seeing a young lady as a provider I am falling in love with her.  It hard to not get so involved with a provider.  I know how you feel.  I have never told the provider how I feel.  She is nice and down to earth.  She tells me money is not what she's looking for.  I am very well off and I am welling to help her in any way,she never asks.

Lets not waste anymore time, I'm a nurse your illness i can take care off, lets do the vegas thing..little white chapel and if we're lucky Elvis will come back from the dead and do the deed...YES YES YES baby, I'll marry you!
I'll kill you in bed if you can keep up with me, but YES i'll marry you!
LOL
Jay

Well! This is the first time I've ever been proposed to online! '

Jay

It's *really* nice to know I've got options!

Actually I am a Southern California boy who has been looking for a good reason to move back....

However, the OP should be taken as hypothetical....

And if you laid eyes on me you'd probably back out...

but despite my age, I might just *surprise* you in bed! ( wouldn't be the first time ' )

Lotsa big wet smooches

Gregory

Personally, age is much less of an issue to me than the connection.  

It is true that some illnesses and disabilities can cause some strain on a relationship, but at the same time they can bring people closer together.  

The issue of seeing other people is one that I have studied and do support if all parties are in agreement and the honesty and support is there.  (People were never bred to be monogamous anyway, that's a social phenomenon)

Marriage is anothe issue on its own.  There are certainly advantages and disadvantages to each.  The clear advantage is the formal committment and the legal protection of the union (Think James Brown's widow who could not enter their house after his death because they were not married.)  One disadvantage is that sometimes the excitements may lessen with the formal committment, or some people may feel trapped.

I don't know what I would say in this situation, but at this point I don't think I'm ready for a marital committment.  

I'm not sure if how your lady friend feels about marriage itself, let alone the other issues.  If you allow her the freedom to continue her work and life, but to add to it with your committment, there may be a better chance of acceptance.  It really depends so much on her.  Have you casually brought up the topic of marriage such as "what do you think about marriage?" and "do you think you'll get married one day?" "how do you picture yourself when you get married?"  Pick one or two questions like this (not too many as to scare her if she's not ready) but this may give you an idea of where she stands.

Best,
Kassandra

Seriously! But here is my opinion.

If you would never be "exclusively" mine, even being considerably older, with a progressive disability and just a "satisfying" lover...why would I marry you?

Sorry, if I am marrying someone is not because he is an excellent cook or get along with my friends and family.

If I marrying you, even if I still work as an escort, I want you to be committed to our relationship and, if you want variety, I will bring the women home, to be shared by both of us lol.

Your health issues would not be a problem because if I am marrying you, I will be deeply love, for good and bad times. BUT, you need to be all mine.

Now, if you are very wealthy and make me your sole heir, hey, you can have any ailments or as many women you want! I will accept whatever you want to do and just wait to collect the inheritance! (just kidding)


-- Modified on 11/28/2008 8:07:57 PM

it's the lady who wants very badly to marry

and the guy who is not sure it's a good idea -

because he does not see himself as capable of being monogamous

and

because he does not think it's in the ladies best interest

so

the situation has come to a head as it were
and the only choices seem to be to move forward or move away....

...DAMN STRAIGHT I WOULD.

Except for the fact that I don't ever see myself wanting someone "exclusively," I'd probably want sexual and romantic freedom as well.

But, uh, barring that even, yes, of course.  Without a doubt!  If he really didn't want to be with me (out of my "best interest", but in my experience, hon, nobody can ever really look out for anyone else's "best interest" and when people tell me something is in my best interest, I usually think and/or blurt "BULLSHIT!"), I'd be so sad that I would eventually leave, be crushed for awhile, and then get over it.  But I'd never forget it and it would always hurt a little; accepting things doesn't mean they don't hurt.

I would. If I loved him.

I think she really loves you. If she indeed has very little gain.

You are overlooking the fact that to marry a woman is a huge honor that you would bestow upon her heart.

A woman that has been in this industry also knows that only a certain type of man could love and marry her and if he did then it would most definitely prove his love.

xo Lisa

My idea of a soulmate (and I wouldn't waste my time marrying anyone that didn't fit that ideal) doesn't include someone that enters our relationship wanting a free pass to dip his wick elsewhere...

I also have no intention of continuing this work if I find someone that I am deeply in love with, and have a committed relationship with...  When I am in love, I have no other focus but the person I am in love  with, and I have found it to be very difficult to work while trying to have a relationship.  

While I may be open to sharing my mate with others, it would only be something done together, as a couple, and probably not with paid companions.  Entering in to a relationship where someone wants to *automatically* be given carte blanche to be with others (paid or not) would not mirror my perspective on what I want in a relationship, so therefore it would not work for me.

The issues of age or failing health are not important...I'll take true love wherever I can get it, for as long as it is able to grace my life.  The memory of that would be much more satisfying then to have never tasted such sweetness...

And accpeting me for who I am, my past, present, and future, would be a given...not a trade off.  I think sometimes concessions are made for finding someone that says they accept what we do, and those concessions can bite you in the ass later on...

Ultimately, people have different ideals about what works for them and what they are looking for, and it's about finding someone that  is compatable with your own ideals as much as anything else...  Love turns into something else when you are not mindful of what else it takes to make a successful relationship...  Love is not enough all on it's own, as much as it seems like it should be...

xoM

"Or to put what he considered to be your best interests ahead of your emotions, move out, and leave you time and space to get over it and move on?"

Says it all.  Gregory, when I read this, my only conclusion is that you want to duck the marriage push (or ultimatum?) and are trying to get the ladies' perspective in order to bolster your case. The whole post was written to lead the reader to the obvious, logical, conclusion that it would be in HER best interests if you just took the hit, moved out, and let her get on with her life.  LOL, Mars, meet Venus.  Logic and a Woman's mind, in the context of relationships, are those diametrically opposing forces in the Universe you always hear about.

That's a minefield that cannot be cleared, brother.  No matter what these ladies say; if you try to use their wisdom, you will see that the one lady you are dealing with will not agree with anything that any of them say if it is contrary to what she wants.  She's made up her mind, and logic has nothing to do with it.

Just look at the disparate responses you got.  Some say, sure, marry her - it'll be alright as long as there is love. Others say, no way, don't go down the road to heartache. Bottom line is that there is no answer to you quandary outside of both of your hearts.

I feel your pain, brother, but you are doomed to failure if you try to convince her that you're not "right" for marriage.  She's already told you what she wants, and NOTHING will change her mind (they are not wired that way).  You either say yes or no and deal with the aftermath because there is no way in hell that you will ever CHANGE her mind.

Good luck with it, my friend.  Don't take this personal, but better you than me.

Please note that all of this is just one guy's opinion, and caps were used for emphasis, not shouting.





-- Modified on 11/29/2008 8:26:23 AM

Hi Katie

Hurt is indeed the operative word. Why can't life be simple? Just enjoy someone without complicating? By the way, men do this too, but we don't often own up to it. I'm sort of on the rebound myself right now.  

Whoever designed this universe has a distorted sense of sport -

Cheers

Gregory

First, I don't think advice should be taken from another person in matters of the heart, unless someone was abusive.

Second, it states in the original post that I would want him "exclusively" but then states that I could still continue to provide. That doesn't make sense.

Third, if I were marrying only for money then nothing would matter regarding the terms of the agreement, but thank God I'm a good nurse.

Fourth, the whole contract of marriage for me (and that's probably why I'm not married) means loyalty, love, protection, monogamy. And, I certainly wouldn't want my spouse to think it's okay for me to chance being hurt or screwed by another man while he loves me. That's just too weird for me, but to each his/her own. I don't judge others for it. It may sound old-fashioned but I still believe that some people can fall in love and just want that one person (okay, maybe for a couple of years anyway).

Fifth, I cannot answer this question honestly because I'm not in love, nor have I been faced with obstacles such as those presented in the original post by Gregory.

Hugs,
Ciara



-- Modified on 11/29/2008 9:10:36 AM

Personally, I would require exclusivity. I've tried otherwise, and it just doesn't work for me. I also plan to not be providing when I'm married, so the exclusivity would include my actions as well. (Not that life always works out as planned, but that's the goal.)

In this situation you've presented, has either partner attempted an open relationship before? If not, I'd suggest trying it openly. It requires a lot of trust and communication and ground rules, and for everyone involved to adhere to those rules. Both parties would do well to read various polyamory/open relationship books or websites/forums. There's a lot of help and great advice out there from those who have bravely gone before.

I would have loved to have made my open relationships work, but after repeated trials (and each miserable failure) I know they're not possible for me.

She states that she wants to marry him.  We can presume that she can take care of herself; she obviously feels she can get what she wants from the relationship.   Now if the gentleman doesn't want to feel that he is a burden, or is questioning her motives (say a love triangle), maybe he could do things to reassure himself of his value to her as a man.  Or maybe he doesn't want the responsibility of living up to a marriage and its expectations- which he has a right to admit to and live by.  

Happy hobbying.

xoxo Kate

and acquaintainces are always asking me if I plan to marry again soon.  ("You're not getting any younger.")

It makes me recall the joke about the guy hobbling along with a crutch when someone asks him:  "Have an accident?"  He responds:  "No thanks, I just had one."

That's my take on marriage right now.

It's not our business what two consenting adults decide to do with their beds and their hearts

That's the only phrase I have a problem with.  And, because he is a man who thinks that leaving a woman whom he has lived with, shared things with, and at least recieved love from, is "in her best interest" then, no, he should def not be pursuing marriage at this point.

In her best interest means that you truly listen to what she wants and you give it to her.  In her best interest means that you trust that she is the only expert on her own life.  It means that you believe that the choices she has made in life thus far, including choosing to fall in love with you, have been good choices.

But why lie??  

Hurting her, leaving her, breaking her heart, ending the relationship, telling her that she doesn't know what's good for herself, is not operating out of her best interest.  It is operating out of YOUR best interest.

And guess what?  That is the only way you should operate.  You should never marry someone else because THEY want to get married.  How horrible would that be?  What's wrong with being honest?  What's wrong with saying, "I don't want to get married to you.  I'm sorry.  I like the way things are right now, but in MY best interest, I'm going to choose not to marry you."  

And let her deal with her own emotions regarding that.  Allow her the chance to know you in all honesty.  Allow her the chance to really see you.  And once she does she might not want to get married to you anyway.  

You know there are some very astute people on this site with some very deep thoughts. An honor being a part of it.

Whatever your decision, Good Luck Gregory!

I was with you all the way on this one (not in complete agreement but understanding your perspective) until you nixed paid companions for trysts shared with your mate.  Why risk inappropriate (emotional) intimacy, especially when you actually know and trust several "paid companions"?

xo Mo

I said "probably".  

Would I play with friends that also happen to be companions??  Yes...if it worked for all parties involved.  I have played with my friends partners on numerous occasions and it had nothing to do with business...  This would only happen with those that I'm tight with though.

Would I spend money hiring someone to play with me and my mate??  Probably not...  There is no thrill in that for me.  It's  much more exciting to pick someone out/up together, and I enjoy the seduction as much as anything else.

Would there  be times where hiring a pro might fit the bill??  Maybe...but it's just not high on my list.

And Mo, you should know that $$ does not necessarily stop boundaries from being crossed...

Much love,

xoM

is really the whole point of the OP and this thread....  despite the best intentions of both providers and clients, people are people, and physical intimacy sometimes leads to emotional involvement. Frankly, I wish it were not so.....

DC. your perceptive man's point of view is dead on.

I agree with you, once we ladies set our mind to something that is attached to love there is very little that can change our minds.