This is a tough one and you may get a dozen different answers, but I see no upside of any kind to inserting yourself (the provider) in the middle of this situation at this point.  The wife may say she just wants closure and knowledge of what happened, but who knows what she really wants.  But even if she's being honest, an account of what really happened will not only hurt her now, but will also stick with her for  years to come.  There's no reason to make the last memory of her 40 year marriage a bad one that will haunt her for the rest of her life.

First off, you weren't with him when he passed, so you can't assume causality, only coincidence.  This could be debated, of course, and you may feel guilty, but the fact is he walked out your door under his own power and was fine when you last saw him.  A heart attack is not an isolated event, but rather the culmination of a very long series of events and behaviors.  In other words, you don't know what he may have done before he saw you, or even after he left.

If you feel the paper trail really implicates you to the point where you have to say something, don't incriminate yourself.  Why don't you just say it was his fantasy to have a woman on both arms for luck when he walked into the casino to gamble- just like in the movies.  You had a lovely dinner and then accompanied him to the casino for an hour or two.  I think a little white lie saying you blew on the dice for luck (and not him) would be a far kinder (and safer for you) way to extract yourself from this situation.   I would limit what I said to something like what a nice gentleman he was, how he seemed to be enjoying himself at the tables, when you last saw him.  

This may seem like weaving a tangled web, but I think it will be you who get caught in an even stickier web if you tell her what really happened.  You don't know how the widow might react, or what her real motivations might be- who she might blame, sue, or come after.  Plus, why is this suddenly coming up a year after the fact?  It doesn't make sense, so it's probably not "closure" she seeks.  Assume the worst; a lot of irrational behavior starts out with a very rational and harmless inquiry like the one you got.  That's my opinion and I'll be really interested what others think.


-- Modified on 4/8/2008 9:32:03 AM

I don't believe it-- don't tell the wife a thing.

I can't believe it's a whole year later and only now she wants "closure," what took so long to identify this desire, and that just happens to mean that she wants certain sensitive information, things that might be important in divorce or even probate court.  The long delay in needing this "closure" suggests to me the slow deliberation of the court.

So, the wife has the time line due to the paper trail. So, how did the session leave a "paper trail?" And again, why so long to follow it?

The "dead in 35 minute" bit sounds like bait. If the provider isn't with him when he dies, there's no obligation for anything, whether it's 35 minutes or 35 years after the session.

Since more than likely I wouldn't be dead, but in divorce court, I'd hope that said provider stays quiet and claims to not have even met me.


-- Modified on 4/7/2008 11:04:03 PM

As has been remarked by others you don't really know he is dead unless you have seen the death certificate (or at least an obituary).

However, let's assume he is dead. The wife obviously has your email address and knowledge of your meeting. My best guess is that the "paper trail" didn't come from the hotel, but that it came from his own computer. Assume that he didn't erase his email correspondence before he unexpectedly died and that his wife has possession of his computer and any emails he ever sent you and you sent him.

Other than remembering that his wife probably has all his old emails and you need to take that into consideration, I completely agree with G2.

delete the email. block the email address.

do not even acknowledge it.

If I kicked off, and my wife contacted ANYONE in the hobby

the only response I'd ever want to be given is:  Ray who??  

I can't tell you what to do.  Even aknowledging the e-mail gives them information.

IF you knew that the gentleman was really dead, then I would go with G2's story line.  If really pressed: dinner & a drink.  (She could have a resturant reciept from dinner.)  The narrative states that they don't think he did this before, so absolutely don't do anything to change their mind.          

However, YOU DON'T KNOW IF THE GENTLEMAN IS REALLY PASSED (or if she's just planning to kill him when he gets home from golf).  It might well be that he passed recently or that someone has accessed his computer, or a divorce is in the works.  ANY information you provide is more than they knew before.  No one knows what happened behind closed doors & I'd never admit it...  an  old man's fantasy! (Nor would I want a provider to do so to my family.)

There are holes in the story (as related here).  How does she know when an encounter ended?  35 minutes from when?  IF he died playing craps, than he was on the casino floor with staff available to summon help.  

BTW I use a private e-mail acct for hobbying.  No one knows the different pass word.  If I died the account dies with me.  I always delete messages.  If I want to relive an encounter, I can look up my reviews!  Again, account name & pass words mean nothing to others.  I am careful to clear the computer history after sessions.  I really should add an overwrite program.  

she is fishing.  he got caught somehow recently.  she is trying to verify her suspicions.

If he paid in cash, the only possible "paper trail" could be his computer. Think about it. It's a year later. What are the chances that she would wait a year if he really died that night?

Although your compassion for this woman is admirable, take a minute and think about yourself. It was a business transaction, and nothing more. If there is any truth to her claim, and you decide that you may be responsible, you may as well retire. You'll never be the same.

I agree with DC. (Ray who?)

I agree with some others. Do nothing, I think it can only be harmful to you. I wouldn't want my wife to know anything if I died that way.

I would not so much as acknowledge the e-mail. I would however check the news for that day or check with the hotel directly to see if there is any truth to her claims, but I would be very surprised if there was an ounce of truth to her story.

Nothing good can come out of your responding to her, if he's dead he's dead and nothing you do can change that. If he's alive, which he almost certainly is then anything you tell the wife could cost him dearly.

Or the closest thing to it.   I am in my mid-60s, have been married more than 40 years, love my wife and grown children and grandchildren.   The only difference is that he has not hobbied before (or so you believe) and I have been doing it for 25 years.

If it were really me, I would not want you to respond at all.   If she persists, and others may be correct that he may not be dead (at least not yet) I would deny, deny, deny.   Nothing good would come to my memory by having my wife know what I have been doing.  And the uncertainty of knowing what I was doing is better for her than the certainty of it.

The story is constructed in such a way as to appeal to the feminine...
Heart wrenching, blaming no one, wanting closure.

DO NOT TELL.  It helps no one.  Knowing that his hubby spent the last days with an escort will in no way help the wife emotionally, and would probably help her more if you lied and told her you never heard of him.

Dont buy it.

"She needs closure.  She does not blame anyone however wants to know if he had seen her before."

Say that a year ago is a long time. You cannot recall seeing him.

"Were they together when he passed or was he alone?"

Here you can be honest. Say you definitely would remember being with a gentleman who is having a heart attack, and you were not. That answers the question if he was alone (not with you).

Besides, if she was really interested, she could have asked to see the security camera video from the Casino.

The more I think on it, the more convinced I am that he is very much alive...  for now!  I agree, DO NOT aknowledge the message & DO block the address.  
I would be prepared, in case ever confronted, to shut up, shut up, shut up.  Treat this as LE...  and as great a lie as the cops would tell to get a client to roll over on a provider.  Whether he has passed or not, you can not help him now...  actually you can.  By keeping your silence.

 

play dumb and ignore any request for information. If she is really curious, she can play PI and check the obituaries to see if he is really dead!
JMHO

I think the story is complete bullshit, but if you really have to know you can google the guy's name and see if there is an obit, or google the guy's name and the casino to see if there is a story about his alleged heart attack. For that matter, google the wife's name just for the fun of it and see if she exists (wouldn't mean that she actually sent the message).

I think the advice to ignore her message and block further massages is the best advice no matter what the situation is.

If it were me, and my wife were looking for "closure", I would hope that all the lovely ladies I have known would ignore her message. That would be the biggest favor you could do for me especially if I were still alive.

First time in 40 years and he did a multi-hour double? With a dinner date? Hmmm ...pretty adventurous for a monogomous old guy.

I felt the same way and am thankful that most of you agreed.

I am not 100% sure he has passed as I cannot find an obituary for him and having read the email 100 times it is appearing more and more that she is a bit too passive agressive for my liking.

None of it makes sense like why she waited.  She got the information from the emails that were passed back and forth which apparently were left on the computer as she does have details.  She knows what happened and is fishing for whatever reason!

If he is indeed passed what good can come out of affirming her worst fears that he was with someone before and that he was alone when he passed.  

Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment I appreciate it!

While I would certainly feel for the wife, I would NOT say anything to the wife. Hell, I'd deny deny deny deny. You weren't there when he passed and whatever fond memories she may have of him will be tainted by confirmation of the experience. (That is IF it's not a clever ruse.)

I wouldn't say a word.

Things always go south when people open their fat mouthes. (not to offend you... just a general statement.) Guys brag when coming out of incalls and girls get busted, girls coddle the wife and either get busted or create problems at his home. I personally wouldn't say shit. Loose lips sink ships. You may open a door for yourself to get screwed with and she may use it to set you up. Who knows?

Be careful and maintain silence.

Katie

NO and not just NO but HELL NO. I feel like somethings are better left unsaid and what would you really be accomplishing by doing this during this time of grief for the Wife. Seems like this is somthing that you would want to do to ease your conscience but this would not ease the Wife's pain.

I'm not a big proponent of lying, but I think this is a situation that warrants it.  

Telling the truth will only cause a whole seperate issue for the wife to grieve...and one she can never get closure for, as her husband is dead and unable to participate in that process (if this isn't really some illusive plot to catch her husband...).

Don't let your own moral delemma about telling an untruth get in the way of the big picture...let the wife rest in peace too.

xoMegan

Even going with the story that it is all true, leave her with the thought of her husband as she remembers him. Deny you ever met the man and don't know who he is. Her memories of her husband will be intact instead of the possibility of all those years maybe were lies to her.

Going with the story is false, then it is just plain wise to keep silent and deny anything.

b-

Re:a good lie attached

First i am sorry you got nabbed by the wife a roony but don't even  think about dragging the provider in to the picture again.

and if you do play do an incall so no paperwork.

Just tell hypur wife it was a one time thing that you were feeling really down about yourself and had a breakdown, called up a girl to make you feel like you used to when you first met your wife.

Back then she always made you feel like such a wanted and viral man. She made you feel needed.  You  have been feeling useless and worthless as a man, You you thought your wife did not find you attractive anymore.
You were too down in the
dumps to admit this to anyone,not even yourself.

So this girl shows up and you feel like a fool because you just realized how much you love your wife and that your dick would not work because of the horrid sense of guilt you felt for being so foolish as to think you could feel the way you felt with her back then with some call girl.

Tell her you paid the lady and then she left no sex happened.

Tell her the best thing that came of the whole senerio, was that you finally realized that you were still in love with your wife after all these years, she is still the one and that you finally reaiized you need to act like her man, to feel like her man.  

A man she can be proud of, the man she needs and deserves after all these years of faithful service.

You just wanted to be needed and wanted again is all.  You just went about it the wrong way.

Tell her you are ready to cowboy up and do right by her again so she can feel right about you.

this should work.
good luck
sexymaddy