You know, I never really did think that it would happen to me, but as real as the universe is expanding, I have lost all desire to go to strip clubs and see escorts.  You see, before I met my fiance, I would frequent strip bars and see the occasional provider.  A couple years passed and we decided to get married.  I got a job out of state in California and so we were going to obviously move there.  She stayed behind to finish her education at Ohio State, and I was stuck in Cali for a couple months by myself.  Going against the advice of others, I decided to see one last provider before I officially retired for good.

I actually saw 3, two escorts and an AMP girl.  The encounters were good with the exception of one.  I got what I wanted and then felt a tremendous guilt.  The guild passed and I got a raise at my new job (standard 30 day raise) and so I thought of how to burn the cash and thought of seeing a provider.  Then I got this sick feeling when thinking of making love to anybody other than my future wife and just had no need for it.  So instead of burning a couple hundred on a good provider, I bought about $$ worth of nutritional supplemtns and used them to get in shape for the honey moon in Hawaii.  

The feeling was extremely liberating since I have been chained to my sexual desires all of my life.  To actually think that somehow I have magically overcame my sinful desires was very encouraging.  Sometimes I suppose God has a funny way of getting through to you.  

My question is this;  Has any of you actually lost your desire to see providers completely as I have?  Secondly, do you think what has happened to me is just the result of my wedding being only a few weeks away, and my brash attempt at fidelity in the marriage, in which my same sinful desires will return with even greater force.

you wait and see ... or maybe you won't ... hey, more power to you if you think you've found true love with your new wife

but "sinful desires" ???

ok, maybe you WON'T be back afterall!  LOL

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if you were looking for serious answers, don't worry, they're coming later in this thread.

or at least want to come back bad enough that it will cause you distress.  To make a sweeping generalization, the majority of people whose decisions in life are made by chosen external restraint (religion, marital vows) or situational restraint (money, children) and who can truly be happy from that are not the type of people who would see providers or feel so beholden to their sexual nature in the first place.  

What your engagement basically is doing for you is putting an external bandage on internal bleeding.  You could be one of the minority of people who grows into being happy with the environment your situations put you in, but the human psyche typically needs to make conscious choices of its own volition over a gradual period of time to change something that is as deeply imbedded in an individual's nature as their sexual psychology.

...and if you don't mind my asking...while you were honeymooning in Hawaii...did you happen to see Don Ho?

...Tiny bubbles in Hawaii make me feel fine....

BTW...anyone know the meaning of the song?...I always thought it was much needed relief of gas build up while enjoying the beautiful Hawaii surf.

Cheers!

I don't want to sound too skeptical but unfortunately after being married now almost 10 years and being friends with mostly married people, I can safely say that your feeling will most likely not last.
I'm sure you are reading this thinking that you will never feel that way again and that I am crazy, but believe me, you will eventually.  It may be 5 years, it may be 10, but it will return.
I felt like you once and to this day still love my wife tremendously, but the fact of the matter is most men cheat given the opportunity and the means.
That being said, there are exceptions and you may very well be one of them.

... I hope it works out for you.

My reaction to your post is based on the fact that you felt "tremendous guilt" and that you refer to your "sinful desires."

I've mentioned before that I have never felt guilt about my hobbying. But if you are not happy with yourself when you hobby, by all means focus all of your energy on the fidelity in marriage that you desire. Of course the desires to hobby will come back, so don't put yourself in positions where you can easily act on them. Give your wife the checkbook if you have to.

Best of luck to you.

Good for you! I mean, isn't this the way it's 'supposed' to be? We're so far removed that when we do behave this way, we wonder what's up!?
Like, lately, there are women (Providers) that feel that something's 'wrong', or they're prudish or something if they aren't Bi, or even Bi-curious, and ask me if I think it's strange that they are only attracted to and want only men, and don't want a woman!
So, back to you, sorry, but that's great. My only thing about your very last question is this: are you and she best friends? do you feel this is your 'soul mate' so to speak - someone with whom you can completely and openly be yourself? do you enjoy your sex life and feel you can comfortably express your likes and fantasies, or find yourself hiding them? If you have a great relationship (and I assume you do or you wouldn't contemplate the ULTIMATE, marriage) then you shouldn't be 'back' as you may not 'need' to; or hopefully, if you are, it would be nice to have her 'blessing' - or perhaps she could join you! That's the ONLY way I could enter into marriage is knowing that we are both very honest, and respectful and honoring to each other.
The Swing Scene works well for married couples for this very reason - they can still choose each other exclusively as partners if they wanted to but also have some spice in their life. Or, as mentioned in another thread about 'couples', you hire an escort once in a while for both of you. Whatever works.
I think it's important BEFORE you marry, that you know just how close to each other you really are.

Blessings,
Sedona

That aside you din't mention if you were still seeing escorts while dating your not yet fiance.  If you were monogamous then , then I suppose you have a good chance to be monogamous now.  Now in the unlikely and unfortunate event that you have not done the deed with your future wife because of some religous belief, then God only knows what will actually happen when you do do the deed.  Hopefully your wife fulfills you the way your ATF used to and in fact will become your new ATF.

Sex is not like drugs or alcohol.  It is a normal healthy function and not some sin.  If you or your wife to be view it as a sin or only as a means to increase the human population, there is no question but you are going to have problems.

The question in my mind is you aren't even married yet and you are already wondering if you can keep your marriage vows.  That would be what worries me.

Good luck and congratulations, I hope you get what you seek.

-- Modified on 7/25/2003 12:58:41 PM

why that's brilliant. i would write that down, if it wasn't already written down (by you!)  LOL

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[to Cynicalman 2.0]  why can't you be that witty? you imbecile! and why the f*ck are you fixating on "sin" ?  he didn't mean it THAT way. even if he did, you could've said something more insightful, like "an aspirin for your hemorrhage" or something !!!

one of these days i'm gonna disown you. just watch!  

I've been married for 22 years to an absolutely wonderful woman.  The thought of not having her as my wife is unbearable.  I quit 'fooling around' about a year before we started dating and remained completely faithful (and generally sexually happy) throughout our marriage.  Just like most guys I faced numerous temptations and almost succumbed a couple of times, but never did.

Several years ago my wife was injured and could no longer have sex.  I did myself for a while, but eventually turned to providers.  I can't say that I haven't enjoyed it, it's been wonderful.  My love for my wife though has not only not diminished, but grown even more.

The need for sexual fulfilment is one of the most basic human needs.  Sex is discussed in almost every book and about almost every person in the Bible.  Up until the NT monogomy didn't truly exist.  Multiple wives and a few concubines were completely acceptable.  Adultery was defined only as sex with someone else's wife.  Sex with a single women wasn't adultery, but you might have to deal with her dad, or worse, her brothers, since her value went down thanks to her no longer being a virgin.

Alas though, we now live in NT times.  You need to decide for yourself.  A monogomous relationship with one wonderful woman for the rest of your life is a great thing.  But, if 10, 15, 20 years down the road you stray, don't beat yourself up over it.  You're only human.

Whatever you do though, I encourage you to give your marriage all you can.  Don't give up when things get rough because making it through the rough stuff most often makes your marriage stronger and better in every way.

You are the only one who ultimately can answer for yourself the questions you've asked.  What's right for someone else may not be what's right for you.  

But it seems to me that you've made the decision to marry & are  worried about feeling guilty if you are unfaithful, & that you've lost the desire for variety.  Hell, I personally wouldn't do anything that I didn't enjoy or that made me feel guilty.  Guilt trips are no damn fun (I've been on a couple in the past) & they can be awfully hard to shake.  I've known people who have carried guilt in one form or another with them for years--not exactly a recipe for happiness.  I think it can also be a problem to try & cross bridges before you come to them...do today whatever you feel is right today (within reason) for whatever your reasons are.  You can't see 10yrs down the road.

There's a great deal more to life, & certainly to marriage, than just sex.  Tempatation in one form or another will likely always be there..it certainly was during the 12yrs I was married.  And even though I was in my 20's & 30s then, as red-blooded as any other guy & had ample opportunities, I remained faithful until we'd already decided to split the sheets...not because of any religious convictions or puritanical beliefs--simply because the risk of losing something precious to me far outweighed the pleasure that might've been derived from a few stolen moments, after which I know guilt would've taken over.  And even though the marriage ultimately ended in divorce, I know that for me I did the best thing.  

I only people in this world I envy in the slightest are a few friends that I've had for years who have been happily married for a long time & have wonderful & very close families.  I think that as mastercard puts it, that's priceless.  I wish you the best, & may you be as fortunate as those friends I've mentioned.

Me too, I also have felt "chained to my sexual desires all of my life."

Umm, you ask some questions that others of us can't answer. Only you can answer, whether you'll be able to remain faithful to the commitment-type vows you are soon to take. I would guess not ... you know how easy it is to "break society's rules" and get away with it, and I suspect that most of the men who DON'T patronize providers are men who don't know that they can get away with it.

My own answers to similar questions remain in flux. I visit these boards and detail my ongoing pursuit of the ability to move beyond providers, either through becoming my home's gift to women or by developing tumors the size of baseballs ... one or the other, LOL.

I'm in your position. Except I didn't agree to marry someone. Are you regretting it? Does she know your past? The sensation of "guilt" can also be described as "regret" -- a sense that you did something on the impulse of one part of your character, that maybe another part of your identity would have chosen not to do. "Cognitive dissonance" is another good term for it.

Come to think of it, I *might* get into your boat, depending on whom I meet and can "land" as a partner of the civilian, rather than provider, variety. But I wouldn't go into it with eyes half-shut ...

I had to respond to this.  First, it's definitely not wrong for single men to see escorts or strip clubs.  I said it was wrong for me to do it knowing that i was going to be married in a couple months.  I didnt feel guilty or sinful at first, only afterwards, and thereafter the desire stopped.  Me and my Fiance have a great sexual relationship, and to be honest with you, she is my ATF.  The other thing is, I am not naive enough to think that I will never again have a desire to have sex with another woman, Im just secure and confident in my pursuit to be monogamous and remain faithful to my wife.  I know the odds are against me, But I have done extraordinary things in my life before, and I have all faith that I can do it now.  Otherwise, I wouldnt be getting married in the first place.  

Peace.

Thank you for that encouraging and colorful response.  I need all the encouragement I can get in light of the Kobe Bryant situation, and me being of similar age as him.  I truley feel sorry for the man and dont really blame him.  He is put in a position that few men in this world have to endure.  I dont blame him being human, but for me it was sad to see him at that press conference with his wife by his side and saying what he was saying.  I definitely agree with you in every aspect of your email.  I know that if my wife were to become disabled to the point where she couldnt have sex than I seriously doubt that I would be able to remain faithful because as you said "sexual fulfillment is the most basic human feature".  Well actually I paraphrased what you said, but I got it.  Thanks again.  

Peace.

I am definitely not regretting my decision, I am more excited about the wedding then ever.  There isnt a thing in my past that she doesnt know about, besides the providers that I mentioned in my original post that I saw "on impulse" because maybe I was feeling a little bit of cold feet.  But the one thing my experience showed me is that I dont need this to be fulfilled, and I was absolutely floored at how empty I felt in being with anyone other than my wife.  And so ultimately their was guilt coupled with regret and now I try to forget.  I will ultimately be responsible for my actions and will reap what I sow.  But I look at this marriage and this woman as my best friend and the best thing that could have ever happened to me.  I also look at my last experience with a provider as the best thing to ever happen to me to straigten me out.  Thank you for your response.

Well put, I agree that I will be tempted to be stray, not just with a providors, but Im positive that I will be attracted to other women after I marry.  Im a man and it is natural.  But at any rate, if I didnt think that I could be faithful to her I wouldnt be getting married.  Thank you for the reply.  

Peace.

Singleton, I've quietly been one of your biggest fans.  I love your posts.

No, I definitely do not think your crazy, and I am for sure not thinking that I will never feel tempted again.  I know that I will be, and I know that I will be attracted to other women that I come across over my lifetime.  But I think the difference is (the reason why I am getting married) I truley am at peace and belive that I can stay faithful to my wife.  Every man has needs and desires, every man is tempted, but we don't need to jump on every temptation that we ever have.  We all after awhile need to show restraint, otherwise we would have no chance at being successful at anything.  And like you said, I hope that I can be the exception to the rule.  

Thank you for your response.  

Peace.  

Lol, thank you for the advice.  She is definitely better with the finances than me so the checkbook will be in her hands anyway.

No one ever marries THINKING they will cheat, but men simply do not have the ability to remain faithful.  As a woman (even before I became a providor) I saw that from day one of life.  I hope you have a happy marriage but you will cheat, unless you divorce first.

Tiny bubbles in the WINE ..... the bubbles are in the wine and the man drinking the wine is in Hawaii.

Thanks for the tip, I hope you find a man that you truley belive in someday.

I'm actually a little relieved, for you, that you've told your fiancee about the fact that you've seen providers in your past. That you left out the "last few" who were on impulse, is a bit of a tangential issue I won't discuss. If you'd left out ALL of your hobbying, from what your to-be-wife knew about you, I'd be convinced of your capacity to live a double-life.

Not that a double-life is necessarily bad. But you were asking whether it would "work" for you to marry, and I think you didn't mean to ask, if it would "work" to be married and in a double-life. So, I think you meant, would it "work" as in, be a single-life, and I would have said "NO" loudly, if I thought you were keeping secrets already.

As it is, you claim you haven't kept a secret. Well, that much bodes well for the marriage, the honesty and openness thing. And suggests the woman is open-minded and rather modern about sexual gratification, too, if she'll marry you even though you did prostitutes before her. I hope you capitalize on that side of your relationship.