Love my regulars, but too often one inadvertently crosses the line, confusing our mutual pleasure with other thoughts, ie ideas of a future together....  Try to set standards, but being naturally passionate, understand how it could be misunderstood.

Any feedback on drawing the line more successfully, while still being passionately interested and great friends?

Subtly interject candor of who you are, what you are and what you do into conversation with over enamored clients looking for castles in the sky futures with you. You needn't beat em' over the head with it; but by gently enforcing the fact that you have "other" clients it often serves to defray the delusion of "one and only" thoughts.

...that hysterical laughter with an occasional bit of finger-pointing (in my direction) gets the message across without even the need for words.

You praise their watch (or ring, or tie or any personal thing about them) and tell them that your boyfriend has one just like it.

Worked on Seinfeld.

Especially when our egos get wrapped up with our sexual emotions.  I think you are going to have to make a judgement call. Subtle is certainly more polite and "business relationship" friendly.  But you may need to be more assertive, tell them that the aspects of the hobby you REALLY enjoy include variety and the absence of emotional attachments beyond the session.  Let them know you enjoy seing numerous clients.  Eventually, they will get the hint.  A guy that can't handle this really should not be in this hobby.  He should find a dating site.

Good luck.  It took me a while to realize the importance of this boundary issue, the ladies are selling a fantasy that ends when the session is over. Actor/acctress on a stage. Some of us guys just have to be beat over the head with the truth. Eventually, it does sink in.

-- Modified on 4/10/2006 7:37:01 AM

That is a natural consequence to intimacy.  but....  what often happens with me?  they get over it, after I explain to them that I am only in the hobby for casual flings... no long term committments.  After a while they quit calling...  kinda embarassing though, when I am in the middle of a session, and another provider calls, wanting to know when I can see her again....

Sheese, you have sex with these ladies and they think dum, dum, de dum----  dum dum da dum!



ROFLMAO - tellem!  If you are afraid you will loose a client - you already have.

There are a number of providers that I see on a regular basis as well and I don't hesitate to talk about my wife or family. I don't tell explicit details but I don't try to keep my part of my life secret.

As I meet providers I think I will see regular, I explain my intent. I tell them that I do not ever intend to leave my wife. She has spent her life seeing to our house and children and I owe her that.

Hopefully this establishes the proper parameters for the provider as our meetings go forward.

OFF

Andrea,
The problem is in recognizing the true hobbyist from the PL hobbyist.  The true hobbyist is in it for the adventure, the sex and recognizes that the hour or two is, if done correctly, a temporary fantasy that works for us and hopefully you also.  But since we're paying it has to work for us.
The PL (Pathetic Loser) hobbyist is looking for a girlfriend.  He tends to see the same woman until she finally has to tell him that she will never ever consider him to be more than a friend (if she's kind) or transaction (if she's not).  
My suggestion is, once you recognize the type, to immediately suggest that they see other providers and not just you.

I think that is an unfair statement.  I am willing to bet that most hobbyists who fall for their provider were not looking to do so.  A person cannot help how they feel and there is always the difficult decision to go away or put your feelings on the table and see what happens.  Some hobbyists take their chances and I guess sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't.  

Both seasoned hobbyists and new hobbyists can fall for their providers.

Kate

After our last session with my ATF where I made the forbidden confession, my ATF and I had this e-mail exchange:

She wrote:
“Wow, I know you said don't email you here, but for now I have no other address.  I was so blown away by your extra "gift". You are quite possibly the sweetest most romantic man I've ever met and I have so enjoyed all our time together.  I sometimes wish that things could be different between us.  I had no idea you felt that way about me and I am so honored to have made that place in your heart.  I do hope that you will stay in touch and if you would like to get together again while I'm still working I would love that.  LOVE YOU HONEY!”

I wrote back:
“Hi Honey,

Thank you for a wonderful, wonderful evening. Everything was sooo beautiful and perfect last night... the best we've ever had. We had Josh in the background and for the first time we actually sang together. I didn't know you could sing so well. And you in that red dress sharing that bottle of red wine with me. I felt so much passion. It was everything I'd hoped for.. and more. We had tears in our eyes. I left a very happy and sad man. I'm happy that I was finally able to say to you things that I had kept inside for so long that I otherwise would be forbidden to say if we're still seeing each other but sad that we've finally come to the end of our wonderful relationship. My eyes are teary as I'm writing this.

Just know that I've loved you and you'd always have a special place in my heart. It wasn't supposed to happen but it did.  I didn't mean for it to happen but it did. But you know what? I'm glad it did because I know that every time I think of you in the future, I'd feel so much love inside of me that it'd leave a smile on my face.

Ever since I've known you, I've never seen you so happy like last night. So I know you've found happiness and I don't want you to lose it. Though it hurts to say this, our relationship has to end now. I'm so happy it ended so beautifully last night that I have no regrets that it did though I'm sorry that it had to.

I love you.”

She's retiring soon to work on a relationship with someone she met at a dating site about a month ago. I met her through TER about a year and a half ago and started having feelings for her since our third session. I didn't come in here looking for love but the passion that I felt from her took its toll on me.

You got to admit it she writes a nice Dear “John” (pun intended) hobby letter

let me quote a famous austrian philosopher "$hell be back"

I recently had a seasoned provider fall for me and then just decided the relationship was getting to involved and intense.  Needless to say it did not end very pretty.

Even though it can be hard at times not to let feelings get involved in the these intiment encounters, I definitely don't recommend it.  This last episode almost made me quit the hobby.

You to? Now I don't feel so bad!

From the incomparable Beverly Fisher.

Dating a provider can be fraught with pitsfalls, as you have discovered, but it can also be exrememly rewarding as I have been so lucky to find.

Get up on that horse and ride again.

that would be great on the first or second time meeting, but, unfortunately, not when they already know you well and know your relationship status.

Strangely enough, just got an email from a past regular (a different one, which also had to be ended) stating he was about to get married, and offering me 'one last chance'!!  Was very humorous!!

You Betcha! got a date tommorrow night, can't wait!

-- Modified on 4/11/2006 5:01:28 AM

...too much falling in love.

I've been there, too.  After seeing her 3 or 4 times over two years, she started calling me daily and sharing all the details of her personal life.  I was flattered, and I did not see the trouble brewing.  After this went on for about a year, she decided she couldn't see me profesionally any longer, as we were 'friends' and she didn't think of me as that type of 'friend'.  Now, we don't speak at all.  It's a shame, as we shared a lot with each other.

I believe that is called the 16 to 20 year old era.     At least it was for me.

-- Modified on 4/13/2006 5:37:02 AM