the fact that your SO found out about you being either an escort or a hobbyist?

I just heard a heartbreaking story of a hot and heavy romance that soured because the gal decided she had to tell him.  Then, nothing.

Has anyone any happy stories to share about that either?

Do people think it wrong to keep it secret, or even possible?

My advice is to keep it secret and take your chances.

...destroy your online escort persona, becoming abusive and creating personal safety issues overall. Now of course there are some SOs who are super accepting and will be supportive of you no matter what. But since you really never know how someone will react until you tell them, in my opinion it is best to keep it to yourself for everyone's sake.

At some point the truth will come out.  It always does.

Would I tell my future husband I was once a hooker? I would not tell him everything, but yes he would know I was in the adult entertainment business to some extent.

and I really find it hard to empathize with my unhappily married whore monger counter parts who are constantly thinking of new ways to steal a few moments of happiness in their otherwise very unhappy lives.

I try not to judge, and in some cases like an otherwise happy marriage where sex is an impossibility, I actually do understand, but living an unhappy life full of lies is just not anything I can imagine for myself.

back to the OP, I don't go out of my way to advertise to civvy chicks that I have fucked hundreds, actually thousands of prostitutes, but I won't lie about it if the subject comes up either. I don't cross examine the women that I get involved with, and I really don't like to have to prove myself worthy either. Any woman that would to know every thing about my prior sex life is probably too insecure for me in the first place for me.

I had fell asleep piss drunk in front of my computer one day with TER website open in the browser. She never really trusted me after that and became suspicious of everything I did, even though she was always flirting with other guys herself. Talk about hypocrisy.

However, another girl I dated... she asked me if I ever had a 3 some. I opened up about my hobby days but told her that I haven't seen anyone while dating her (which was 99% true). Turns out she wanted to join in on subsequent appointments....!!!  :s  

She was Bi-curious, so maybe if the girl is bi the chances of her being understanding increases? I don't know, just a guess.

I'm not lazy, I just have a horrible memory, which makes it really hard to lie (I forget what I lied about).

My on/off boyfriend LOVES that I do this!  He gets incredibly turned on by thinking about all the things I do with other men. And the money doesn't hurt......

with anyone who couldn't appreciate my need and desire to do this. I like my own company, so I would have no problems remaining single rather than get involved with a guy too insecure to handle my lifestyle. Luckily I have not had any problems so far in this way, and I am always honest up front. It is a very ingrained part of who I am, so love me, love my wanderlust.

I think if you lie when you first meet someone, you're doing an injustice to both yourself and your partner. Neither has the opportunity to truly fall in love with the "real" other. And your experiences in this realm very much contribute to who you are, and thus who the other was attracted to.

When people have been married for so long, with children, houses, etc., it is a little different in that it is not so easy to walk away. This requires a little extra work, and usually, necessary mendacity. Sometimes honesty is cruelty.

I think all new marriages/LTRs should be built with an "outsourcing" clause: when one partner loses his/her libido, after some talking and maybe even counseling, the other should be able to outsource sexual gratification.

I have posted it before, do a search. I do think it is wrong to keep the hobby a secret if you are actively participating, man or woman, hobbyist or provider. Sooner or later you will be caught. You were after all wasn't you, mrfisher? If my wife had not come forward and I found out any other way, it would have ended the marriage. I was suspicious before she confessed. It was only a matter of time before I figured it out. Luckily it never came to that and she was honest about her return to escorting.

...their SOs that they are seeing escorts. I am certain most wives would not be thrilled and drama would ensue. I know because I am a woman. Cheating is not a good thing to admit.

So yes the truth may come out eventually, but if it never does, then the wife is still happy and there are no divorce papers to sign.

IMHO it is best to be discreet and lie about some things in life and this topic is one of them.

And show and disclose everything.  However, I am old-school in that if you are involved with someone, you shoud be involved with someone.  The moment I am in a serious relationship, hobbying ends or is put on hold.  Simple as that.  And any girl who I am going to be in a long-term relationship with is going to know that I have slept around and been promiscuous, and that I have a very high sex drive.  It's not fair to her otherwise, and I just don't think operate that way.

Now, I submit that I am an anomaly compared to everyone else.  I don't think I would be hobbying behind my wife's back if I were married, and certainly if she long-term/live-in-girlfriend material, she would at least need to know my sexual history.  That's just me.  I have always lived my life by being honest with my close friends and SOs, and that doesn't change.

Do I advocate that every other guy do what I do?  No, not at all.  That all just depends on how you assess your situation in terms of upside and downside (really, it's the same assessment we all give when we make our own decisions in the other aspects of our lives).

But for me...I just don't care to keep track of which lie I told to which person.  It's just a lot easier to be honest.  Someone once said that if you tell the truth, you only have to remember one story.  Makes my life a lot easier.

Given my own preferences and how I conduct my own life, it just might make more sense to settle down with a girl who has done this kind of work or some kinda work in the adult industry.  Stranger shit has happened, and I have had relationships with providers in the past which have worked out just fine.  Even though they have ended, we are still friends.

That just works for ME.  Not saying it would work for anyone else.

…or seeing escorts rather than telling a partner you have done so in the past. I may have read the OP incorrectly. In any event, I agree with you about sharing past promiscuity.

I don't speak for others or pretend to speak for others.

Obviously I can see how being brutally honest could be a trainwreck.  Of course we don't want that to happen.  On the other hand, I don't personally see how I could continue hobbying if I were in a serious relationship.  To me a serious relationship is about way more than sex, and if I like a girl that much, to the point where we have moved in together, there is no reason for me to go outside that relationship for sex.

If there was, the relationship would need to be addressed, or it would need to end.

I don't think you misread the OP's post.  I'm just saying that in my world and my experiences, given my own preferences for doing things, it just doesn't make sense not to be honest.

...be a concern of yours then, right?

I am teasing you of course. xoxo

I might leave out the fact that these girls were escorts and that money was involved, but I certainly would be honest that I have been more than around the block many times.

Hookers don't even fuck thousands of prostitutes. Mrs.' Gambler can now officially rest easy.

Seriously, I tell my hobbyist boyfriend to lie to me, with one exception; my health. He doesn't read my reviews and I am happy about that too. Neither of us even considers dating civvies ever again.

My ex was shocked at first, but when she realized that I had no intention of dumping her she tolerated and even enjoyed my hobbying (We did a few 3-somes for example.)  Things went on this way for several years, in fact.

It was only when she got tired of me personally and wanted to move to a warm climate that she decided to cash out her chips and move on.  I was upset about that at first, but overall now I think it was a good investment.

I was hoping to hear mostly from providers as to whether or not their chosen profession has been damaging to their personal love life, and how they dealt with it.

The sorrow of the poor escort who lost a guy she had really fallen for was quite palpable, and I wonder what words of wisdom from the collective consciousness of this board I can offer to her.

It may be like going into the priesthood or a convent:  You get nun.

If a provider keeps this a secret from a significant other, bad things are bound to happen if he finds out. If she plans to continue providing, being honest at the begining of the relationship before deep feelings develop is probably best.  Then there is no deception, less risk of betrayal-feelings etc..

Part of who any of us are is how we choose to make a living and what hobbies we enjoy. It is not the whole of who we are but it is part of the larger person. How can she ever trust a man she can't even be honest with? How can he ever trust her when she is lying about part of who she is? Without trust the relationship is doomed.

The lady you are talking about likely is hurting but I bet not as bad as she would if more time had elapsed and he found out and bolted. It can work. Ask me or my wife, ask OSP or The_Mrs, ask my favorite or her live-in boyfriend of 16 years. It can happen but it takes honesty. I have never heard of SO relationship that withstood the lady being caught as an escort. That just does not work.

You have been at this a lot longer, have you ever heard of a relationship where the lady is an active escort and lying about it the whole time and the relationship lasting? I have not. I do know of cases it blew up in their face and they both ended up in a bad place. Honesty is key to any long tern SO type relationship..

-- Modified on 9/17/2012 4:14:38 PM

Want to cross because you have some respect for the other person.  At least that's how it works in my small world.  I can't speak for anyone else, nor would I ever purport to legislate my own sense of morals or values on someone else.

The act of sex is very intimate, and that's why for some people, it becomes an issue to detach the physical aspect of it with the emotional aspect of it.  I applaud those who can compartmentalize it.  I have been able to do that in the past when I wasn't in a relationship, but as I get closer to someone, it's hard to draw that line so clearly.

Brilliant idea!!!

Posted By: SoftlySarah

with anyone who couldn't appreciate my need and desire to do this. I like my own company, so I would have no problems remaining single rather than get involved with a guy too insecure to handle my lifestyle. Luckily I have not had any problems so far in this way, and I am always honest up front. It is a very ingrained part of who I am, so love me, love my wanderlust.

I think if you lie when you first meet someone, you're doing an injustice to both yourself and your partner. Neither has the opportunity to truly fall in love with the "real" other. And your experiences in this realm very much contribute to who you are, and thus who the other was attracted to.

When people have been married for so long, with children, houses, etc., it is a little different in that it is not so easy to walk away. This requireNs a little extra work, and usually, necessary mendacity. Sometimes honesty is cruelty.

I think all new marriages/LTRs should be built with an "outsourcing" clause: when one partner loses his/her libido, after some talking and maybe even counseling, the other should be able to outsource sexual gratification.

yourself, and that these opinions apply only to you. I wish more people would think that way!

When I started questioning assumptions in life, I tried to leave no stone unturned. This included the societal dogma around relationships, love, gender roles, etc. When boiled down to its most basic, sex is indeed a purely physical act, but I also recognize that nothing that humans do can be done without emotion. Our brains are pure emotion chemically speaking, if you get right down to it. So I have never really compartmentalized sex and emotion; I just recognize that for me there are different levels and facets of emotion. And, a result of my questioning assumptions was that in my analysis, love is not the claim or ownership of someone else, but a celebration of everything they are, even that unrelated to me.

I am perfectly capable of being head-over-heels, madly in love with someone and still do this job just fine. I think in the beginning throes of the falling in love part, it is more difficult, but it is definitely doable (I compare it to how I lose my appetite during that phase- obviously I will eventually eat, but may not enjoy the food as much). After the sparks clear and the dust settles, when I'm officially involved and beyond the flutters, it becomes far easier for me to work. But my partner suffers no less attention than before. I am capable of a lot of love for a lot of people all at once, and the love I reserve for my partner is unique and special.

Sexuality for me is merely another, albeit more intimate, type of communication between humans. Not necessary or sufficient in an LTR, but very, very nice.

I leveled with someone I was serious with some years ago. Didn’t go well. The relationship was doomed anyway (for other reasons), but now I fear that she might blab to a future SO if she chanced to meet her. Yes, she is that mean. I feel the best way to diffuse in advance any bombs she might drop will be to come clean if and when I am in a new relationship. If I could go back, I would keep my mouth shut, period. Ironic: I am not worried that an escort would try to hurt me. Those I have known are fully trustworthy. Rather, it is my “morally superior,” as she supposes, ex that I must worry about.

to bang random people anytime they get the urge...nor is this the type of person they want to marry and raise their children. I am one of them, and would never date someone who thought my hooker status was a kewl thing. I would think he had a screw loose, It has nothing to do with being insecure either...that is just what most who are in open relatiionships like to say. Insecure would be, "I will let my man fk whomever he wants just so he comes home to me." If I have to do that to keep a man, please take him and I will wait for another.

What some value and view as true love, does not include any of that shit and those people exist even here. This is NOT the real world by a long shot...it is self gratification of sexual urges and money. If I wanted a man who fked strange women all the time, you honestly think I would ever feel comfy going bareback? Um, no. I don't want a life mate who takes more risks than the guys I get paid to fk right here lol.

Many men who hobby here would also never marry a hooker...nothing wrong with that either. There are still people in life who live by a decision vs. an emotion or a feeling, and they stand by those decisions through thick and thin...no outsourcing necessary. They deal with it like most people capable of managing emotions, or they move on and let the other person find someone that respects them the way they want to be respected.  

Marriages don't fail because of sexual urges...they fail because of selfishness and are manifested through sex, drugs, alcohol, or any other number of excuses we can come up with to justify why we do what we do. Not everyone views sex as just a physical act, because quite frankly when true love is present, it is so much more than that. I can fk a guy I don't love, but that does not mean that some kind of other emotion was not present at that time...you would have to be totally numb to feel absolutely nothing if your actions hurt another person.

-- Modified on 9/17/2012 11:28:04 PM

I can only talk about me.  I do find it humorous when some members on this board will go off and tell you and everyone else that, "No, it's this way, because I have been in the industry for X years and have run an agency for Y years and seen Z number of clients during tha time."  Okay, that's great that you just stated your resume, but in the end, that's still just YOU.  

Sex isn't always just purely physical for EVERYONE.  If that were the case, we would just reduce it down an act that you could just go to a store and take care of.  It isn't that easy, and throughout history, man's pursuit of pussy and sex has been behind virtually every major fuckup.  Nearly every major leader who has fucked up his job and lost his position has had it be a result of sex.  Well, more accurately, it's the fact that sex isn't just a physical act, but that it was attached to something emotional, and the upsetting of the apple cart completely upended the guys' world.

So I would argue that sex is not just a physical act, and as a result, cannot simply be outsourced in most cases.

Now...can two people have an attitude more like what you describe?  Sure, it can happen.  But I would submit that it's not as easy for most as it is for someone like you.

Thanks for your thoughts.  It's nice being able to state a different viewpoint without having your head chewed off by the dogmatic ones on these boards.

post to crazyshit, one can never completely extract emotion from any human endeavor. We *are* emotions, pure and simple.

And I respect the fact that you- and most people- have a different view of relationships and romance and love and sex and all that. But seriously- how's that workin' out for society? with a 53% divorce rate, not too good, it seems.

I'm just saying that I think we need to look at things differently now. How much is your view of sex and relationships- and this business- informed by some archaic, heteronormative patriarchal imperative? Do you ever think about why we think what we think about sex? Where we get these ideas from? Why do you think what you think? Why would you think a man who liked your "hooker status" had a screw loose?

Also, I am not saying that everyone wants to run out and do whomever whenever- but at some point, sexual interests and libido diverge in a partnership, and with everything else being great- that shouldn't be a point for dissolving the partnership.

Yes, sex with someone you love can be utterly transcendental. But it can also just be something fun you do with someone else with whom you're not in love. Why do those have to be mutually exclusive?

we cannot remove our emotions from anything we engage in- even eating a hamburger. But we don't have to stay so emotionally attached to sex with a particular other person. Especially if that attachment causes more unhappiness than joy.

I read threads constantly where a guy posts about why he's here- his wife hasn't been physical with him since 1938, and he doesn't know what else to do. He has children and grandchildren, and she's otherwise a wonderful person with whom he is deeply in love. So he outsources on his own. He doesn't love her any less, but he needs something in his otherwise happy life fulfilled. She's obviously not attached to the idea of having sex with him. He's no longer attached to the idea of having sex with her. He still stays in the marriage because he's otherwise very happy there. It's *just the sex* (and, of course, the emotional intimacy- aka "bounded authenticity" that Bernstein writes about) that he desires - that he is missing. I just think that with a very logical and sensitive discussion, many women (and men) in this situation would happily "outsource" if they knew that the paid companion was not a threat to the partnership. No- not easy to strip ourselves of the dogma of a traditional religiously-informed marital structure, but laziness does not bring us bliss.

Yes, it is delightful to have an actual conversation about something interesting with someone and be able to really share and debate ideas. Thank you for your thoughts too.

But just in case: In the Afghanistan v West Indies cricket match at Colombo yesterday, West Indies won by 8 wickets (with 25 balls remaining).

In that situation, I can completely see how the two could coexist.

On the other hand, if you read this board, you get the feeling that it's about guys who simply want variety and that it isn't being driven by what you said.  

It is because people no longer live by decision like our parents and grandparents once did. The divorce rate was not this high in the damn 50s, and I am sure that men still had the same desire for sex as they do now.  Why? Because people make a vow and they kept it. They put their selfishness aside, and lived for another person instead of for themselves. That is how I intend to live for my mate if I do fall in love.

Whether he sees things the same...only time will tell, but I will be alone before I date a guy who is out tossing creampies into another vagina whilst I am being the good little wifey. I think you miss the concept of commitment, and that includes in all aspects. Some people do not want to fk other people when they are with a mate, and some do. It's when you have 2 people who feel different ways, things get twiseted. I would never marry and Atheist because that would be a war, not a marriage. I feel the same about being with someone who has different sexual views too.

I don't look at the divorce rate and think, "Hey, we could fix that by never agreeing to only fk that person." Sexual urges are not the root of divorce...it is a manifestation of other things that went wrong. Too many guys marry the girl next door for "love" then cheat on them, so if sex was all that important why not marry the damn porn star to begin with lol.



-- Modified on 9/18/2012 11:20:10 AM

human sexuality. It would be wonderful if that were reality! But people change, hormones change, we grow sometimes in separate directions than our partners. You have no way of knowing what someone will be like in 20 years. I guarantee you are a different person now than you were 20 years ago. You could have never known then what you know now- nobody could have. An "outsourcing" clause would merely mitigate any unforeseen hiccups caused by the desire for something else. And no two humans can ever know that they will always be on the same page sexually. That's a fairytale, and people who don't think about eventualities that diverge from that fairytale get into trouble later.

I also admire your wistful view of our past. It's very Andy Griffith and Leave it to Beaver. What you may be forgetting is that laws existed back then that made it extremely hard for people to get divorced, and women were not as easily able to secure employment that would earn them enough to leave an abusive bastard. So I doubt that we were just "better" human beings back then- structural realities have changed that make it easier to divorce and survive as a single mother or father.

And a promise made today sounds beautiful, but as I said, you will change in 20 years, and one day that promise may be more painful to keep than a divorce. Sure- that may have nothing at all to do with sex, but we are having a conversation about sex.

you have someone so awful in your past. Maybe one day she'll self actualize enough to discover that she has nothing to gain by causing you trouble.

I'd pay attention to this lady's advice-I believe she speaks from common sense and experience. gf60

all the relationships I am close to that do succeed, and sex is not the driving force. I just know that sex is not the end all be all to me, and it never will be. I can think of so many more beautiful things that happen in life, to ever build my entire world around thinking about fkin someone else. I don't think I could ever be in a relationship that long because I get annoyed and bored too quick, but that is not with the sex..it is because that fker would be eating my Captain Crunch every morning.

I get that some people are just not made to live with another person or be in a relationship that is about monogamy. I could be faithful no problem, because I never get that caught up to get tired of the sex. I simply would never be in a serious relationship with a man who fked randon strangers. I do not do the open relationship thing, and I never will. I have several friends who are very happy in them, but it is just not for me.

they should be extra interested in an openness clause in any relationships on which they embark.  

I happen to think that humans are not naturally monogamous, so variety is perfectly natural to desire, and that people shouldn't be made to feel bad because of it. I posted to another thread pages ago, that to condemn someone for an interest in variety is like condemning someone for sneezing.

this was an incredible thread sorry I missed it. I have things I could have added but I think I will leave it be. Both of you made valid points, I agreed with most but not all.

great debate

Posted By: SoftlySarah

Posted By: London Rayne

I don't think I could ever be in a relationship that long because I get annoyed and bored too quick, but that is not with the sex..it is because that fker would be eating my Captain Crunch every morning.

Lol!!

Yes, sexual monogamy is just not my thing. I love sex with others too much. And yes, I love all the other wonderful and fun things that relationships bring, too. And obviously if I want to have some semblance of openness about the relationship, it is not all about sex for me either. It's just about being together because we want to be together, and not because we made some promise years ago. If my partner detests me but is hanging in there because he promised he would back in 1922, he's not doing either of us any favors. And vice-versa.

But I completely respect those who are more monogamously inclined, and I sincerely hope that those people are able to find others who are also that-way-inclined, and that both partners can remain that way. I know it is not impossible, just rare.