Just suppose you you and your ATF fell madly in love with each other and the two of you dicided to live together. I know this will probably never happen, but could you handle her career if it did?
I have thought about this allot, and it is a difficult questions. Think about it, your SO sleeping around and you are head-over-heals in love with her. Could you control you jealousy, discuss her work with her, rein in your envy, appreciate that her profession is just a job and that her heart belongs to you even though you are sharing her body with others?
Just curious.
Yes, I think I could handle it. Frankly the tough part would be worrying about her safety every time she worked.
No. Ultimately I do not think I would not be able to handle it. This is hard to admit. I'm attracted by women who have such
sexual power, but living with an SO who was a provider is a lot like a moth getting too close to the flame.
/Zin
but then I'm not a possessive, jealous type. I wouldn't consider her job 'sleeping around'. To me 'sleeping around' implies something sneaky or less than honest.
The personal nature of what she did wouldn't bother me as much as the possibility of her getting robbed, beat up, arrested, etc. I'd worry more about those things. And then I'd have to worry about finding a place to stash a body (or parts of one...).
There's a huge difference between sex and love. One is a purely mechanical/physical act, the other is an emotional, mental, and physical bond. (You can decide which is which ;^) ). Love implies trust, communication, and respect. Lose any one of those three and it's over.
Regarding an ATF's heart and body: Most of her clients will never get to know what she's _really_ like. They just know her short term professional persona. What would make you different would be the fact that you _do_ get to know the real person. And that real person isn't something she shares with everyone else.
... right down to the part about dismembering anyone who hurt her,
Also, if I met her after she was already a provider what right would I have to expect her to stop. To me that would be just as silly as moving in next to an airport then complaining about the noise.
Duh!
When I was aboy my father told me that the best place to "dispose" of a body was in a cemetary. I wonder if that is why our house was next to one?
Having been there I found the closer I got to this woman the more freaked out about it she got. I liked the fact she opened her heart to me, but on the other hand the closer I got the more hurtfull she became and the more she acted like it was a bad thing she let someone get close.
I could lear to deal withthe jealousy thing but I have found providers less willing to open up to those they love than the average woman. ANd when they do they get weird about it.
Not speaking for every provider. Just the one who stole my heart.
Along with a large part of my soul.
Still love her to death, even though she has hurt me deeper than she may know. Worst thing to do to me is to turn away from me. Hardest thing for me to do is alow a person I love to suffer without me helping in some way.
And she has a large part of my heart nobody else has ever shared.
And Only I shall know who this is.
And I have to live with this private hell every moment of my life.
And hope I can let another woman ge this close to me as she has.
But moreover meet another woman who is able to capture my heart as she has.
My recomendations as someone who has been there. Run don't walk.
Don't let a provider get this close to you.
You don't know what it does to you until you are in the situation.
When you are you learn what hurt really is.
Interesting subject.
I had the same discussion with my AFT last weekend. I said that it would not bother me because I consider her an excellent therapist. She provides sex therapy to people as a business. I said what would bother me is if she had an affair. I consider an affair to have a mutual attraction and some sort of loving relationship. I told her that I enjoy reading the good reviews because I know that she is doing a good job as a therapist.
Yes I do worry about her safety and health. She assures me that she will always be careful in all areas.
She told me that she has a guy that she really likes and he likes her. They spend a lot of time together off the clock. She said that the guy can’t handle it and he get jealous. I told her that if he is jealous now and wants to control her, what will it be if he becomes your SO. . She has been married a couple of times and she knows about jealousy and control issues.
Couldn't handle the worry about physical safety, health and legal risks in addition to the more traditional feeling that parties remain monogamous in that kind of relationship. If ya can't stick to one partner in a serious relationship, then you shouldn't be in it! Now if the two of you want to "play" with a third party occasionally, that could work.
I know they're used to having so much money, but we would get by with less. If we were in love, then who gives a fuck about the money anyway.
An "interesting feature" of most relationships--not just romantic relationships but many others as well--is that unusual circumstances like this usually have to be "gradfathered in." If you meet someone, and know right up front that there's "complications," then you go through this kind of weighing process... "I'm not thrilled about my SO being a provider, but my feelings for this person are such that I'd rather have her in my life as a provider than out." It's much harder when it's been concealed and is then revealed once the relationship develops (creates trust/openess issues). And it's much harder if the "complicating behavior" starts AFTER the relationship has started (creates inadequacy or jealousy issues).
I've often wondered what the "sexual politics" of provider's relationships are with their SOs... Guy comes home from work horny, she's not in the mood, and before you know it, he says something stupid like "that's funny, I'll bet if I had $$$ in an envelope you'd be in the mood" and ends up with his shit out on the driveaway. Obviously it would take a very high degree of maturity on both party's part to prevent those kinds of issues from cropping up. It's hard enough in "vanilla" relationships, and even more challenging in "complicated" ones.
will throw the job in her face. Who the hell wants that kind of nastiness as a relationship is ending or even sometimes before it is ending.
There are some things that can be said by one person to another that are unforgivable. That is, they are _so_ hurtful that it causes permanent damage to a relationship. Throwing her job in the face of a provider you were having a relationship with would be one of those things. You might as well pack up all of your $h!t and get out immediately. Anyone who would ever _contemplate_ using that kind of ammunition is better off never entering a relationship of this nature in the first place.
Well thats true. She would have to set priorities. Her SO boyfriend or whoever comes first. If she failed to take care of those closest to her yes there will be issues.
When the SO or boyfriends needs take back seat in the relationship there is going to be issues. No man likes to be ignored.
No man likes to feel like he is the second string.
If she is able to put the effort to working she could put the same effort towards her own relationship.
She needs to make her man feel good to be with her. If she ignores his needs or he hers then there will be problems.
My wife gets it whether I am in the mood or not if she wants it. Its part of marriage. She has done the same. You do things you don't feel like sometimes.
Believe me when my provider friend comes up with that excuse it cuts like a knife. Because I always bent over backwards for everything she asked of me. Even if it wasn't smart or convienient for me to do so. But to hear No I can't right now then I have to go to work later. Gee thanks.....That can really hurt a guy. And hurt him deep.
but it fell apart after about a year. The hobby had nothing to do with the break up; we just realized we wanted different long-term things and amicably went our own ways. We're still in contact, but we're no longer intimate.
I'd like to think I am not the jealous type and wouldn't mind that, but I probably wouldn't won't to be living with her. Her job would probably be too much in my face. I might have to listen her talk about her day at work everyday. I wouldn't mind if we were just friends w/benefits or on an indefinite bf/gf level with no chance of it progressing past there and no expectation of monogamy from either party, but madly in love seems to imply some level of monogamy at least emotionally. Personally, I'm not much into monogamy any more and I like variety and I would not care if a woman I liked, perhaps loved, was not in monogamy either (polyamory anyone), but honestly, I probably could not deal with someone who worked in this business on a daily basis.
I had a girlfriend become a provider. Turned her into a self centered monster. You are asking for trouble.
Sure as long as she was supporting me.
Doesn't matter how much I kidded myself in the beginning. Sooner or later the cancer of jealousy would grow to where it destroyed everything. Not sure if I'm complaining, certainly not bragging. Just telling a bit about who I am.
Oh, and it would'nt make any difference if I had complete freedom to play around.
Gee an honest person here. Thats rare.
I think I could only if she was able to show me she loved me, and in this situation she would need to reaffirm it more.
Or do something for him she does for nobody else.
But never ignore him or his needs, something that for us guys is obvious but clearly some women fail to recognise, and not just providers, women in general.
It would all depend on her reasons for doing it. If she was doing it because she would bang everyone for free anyway thats way different than to do it and bank all the money for the future and for the couples good.
And distancing herself from the man she loves or says she loves may work for her, but it puts him through a living hell.
I guess it all depends on the provider. Some are just to damn selfish. Others are able to put priorities where they need to be.
But really, you really don't know how you will handle it till you are in the situation.
I had a provider friend expect me to divorce my wife so I could be a bigger part of her life. But then refuse to leave hers, and then continue to workd and try to make me feel guilty because I wanted some of her time.
But other more casual proveder friends who take the time for me. Even though we are just friends, they make a bigger effort than the woman who says she loves me.
Has me totally disgusted. I wonder if these women know how bad they can hurt a guy sometimes. And I am speaking women in general.
Seems like the flip side of the question above. My answer: NO! If I found that special provider that I wanted to settle down with, we'd have to mutually agree to no more you-know-whattin' with others (except for the occasional 3-some with a girlfriend of course). Strange (given my hobby)? Yes. Negotiable? No.
At one point I could have. But my provider friend mishandled it so poorly, she made me believe the job turned her into a cold hearted, self centered person.
She was a warm person, if she had been able to continue that I could deal with it. Because her warmth to me was genuine. The provider warmth is fake. She could not handle both. SO the money meant more to her than genuine love.
Now I no longer believe her or trust her motives. A very sad thing. She meant the world to me, and would have done anything for a life with her.
At one point I could have. But my provider friend mishandled it so poorly, she made me believe the job turned her into a cold hearted, self centered person.
She was a warm person, if she had been able to continue that I could deal with it. Because her warmth to me was genuine. The provider warmth is fake. She could not handle both. SO the money meant more to her than genuine love.
Now I no longer believe her or trust her motives. A very sad thing. She meant the world to me, and would have done anything for a life with her.
At one point I could have. But my provider friend mishandled it so poorly, she made me believe the job turned her into a cold hearted, self centered person.
She was a warm person, if she had been able to continue that I could deal with it. Because her warmth to me was genuine. The provider warmth is fake. She could not handle both. SO the money meant more to her than genuine love.
Now I no longer believe her or trust her motives. A very sad thing. She meant the world to me, and would have done anything for a life with her.
Well I am not beyond redemption, I was honest with her about what my soul needs to deal with her job and have the sort of relationship we had before the job.
If she respects me enough to want me to be comfortible with her job she will do it, if she wants to throw things in my face I would never forget it and would likely react to he calous treatment towards my feelings.
Like I said, I have my insecurities but care enough about her to work with her through this. But how I deal with this and respond to it all matters in how she treats me. Make me feel less important than her clients and she developes a pretty bitter enemy. Because if she cared she would not do that.
She once complained because I saw other providers.......I told her fidelity goes both ways. Its only sex for her, well then its only sex for me. She wants an exclusive relationship, she has it, if she does the same.
Basicly if she truely loved me she would do this. If she was playing me then, off come the gloves. I for one never tell someone I love them if I don't, I never tell someone I want a life with them if I don't. I never tell someone I want to spend the rest of my life with them and their kids if I don't intend to do it.
Basicly I layed my heart out for her. If she mistreats it then.......... its not my fault. I treat others with the same respect they treat me.
That applies to everyone regardless of their job. If they are a corporate CEO or a bagger at a supermarket.
Up until now I have not commented on your situation with your friend, but in your post here you say ...
"I never tell someone I want to spend the rest of my life with them and their kids if I don't intend to do it."
But I thought that you are married to another woman. Did you not at some point tell her that you want to spend the rest of your life with her? I am not trying to flame here, but I just don't understand your indignation with what your friend is doing to you while you seem to be treating your wife just as badly.
she is married to. And my wife has been hard on my ass for years. Anyone who knows her understands. I have been overdue for a divorce for years.
And yes me and friend both discussed this, along with having a kid together.
-- Modified on 4/5/2004 2:56:40 PM
-- Modified on 4/5/2004 2:57:58 PM
It would be far to easy to say yes or no, but with out really being there, I can't be sure. For me what a woman does for a living is far less important than who she is inside.
If she was a shitty person, I would guess I wouldnt be in love with her. If I were in love. I would love freely, without attachments or limitations. If my SO wanted to be an astronaut, a bus driver or a prostitute it would be alright with me.
So simple answer Yes I would think it would be just fine.
1. She would probably be a REAL sexual adventurer.
2. She would probably be stunning to look at.
3. Not too much would freak her out in the "you want to do WHAT?" department.
4. Her friends would be fun to hang out with.
5. She would pull down great money, most likely
6. You KNOW she wouldn't be "too shy" to do anything that most others would blanche at.....
7. "Let me show you something I learned today...."
nuff said......