Before anyone says anything, I thought I saw a similar thread a while back. Consequently before I posted this, I looked several months to no avail. If this subject has been discussed previously, my apologies.

I have been dating a Lady for about three years now. Our relationship developed over a longer period of time. She cut my hair for several years,prior to this while I was seeing someone else now deceased.

She was injured as a result of an on the job accident. Consequently she cant cut hair, and I know she doesnt get enough from workers comp to maintain her life style which is not lavish but still very comfortable.

I asked her how she was managing but she gave that answer short shrift.

The only inkling I have that she might be escorting is that she is virtually never home, and when she is home I have a hard time getting her to meet me somewhere for something as simple as lunch. I spoke to her the other day, and she was rather non chalant on the phone to the point of telling me that she had a CLIENT there and could she call me back.

Now, am I just being a paranoid jackass, or should I be concerned as regards to my relationship with her such as it is?

Being as our relationship has not been consumated yet(her choice, not mine, but I need to respect it). I am concerned as to which direction this relationship will take.

We both believe in unconditional love and unconditional honesty. As such do I confront her with my suspicions, or do I just let it go? I don'twant to lose her over this. I may be baised, but I find her to be a very attractive Women who I think would give the top runners in this field a run for their money, yet after an exhaustive search I conclude she isnt sophisticated enough for TER...Yet.

I love her unconditionaly, and if providing is how she chooses to earn a living so be it, I can and will suport her emotionally if that is all I can do. My bigest fear is running the risk of losing her.

So Ladies and Gentlemen alike it is now 3:08 am and I am done rambling thank you for listening. I thank you in advance, be advised I am not looking for a shoulder to cry on. I welcome all constructive criticsm, good, bad or indifferent.

P.S Ladies have you ever been asked by a male friend to provide companionship services to him? Did you accept, or do you as a matter of policy refer him to another provider your recomendation?

P.S II I am normally a bit more articulate than this but I need to get this approved and posted. So pleaseforgive the heinous lack of "Strunk & White"

You've been dating her for three years and haven't consummated it yet?  I think the direction your relationship is headed is nowhere.  I don't mean to be cruel, but while you love her unconditionally, she obviously doesn't feel the same way about you.

In any case, yes, you should be concerned about her "I'm with a client" comment.  I'd ask her (in a nice way) what the hell she meant by that.  Maybe you're jumping to conclusions, but in the context you described, your fears may be grounded.

If she admits to escorting, or doing "massage," etc., my feeling is that you should bail.  Stay friends if you can manage it, but forget about any romantic stuff.  Aside from the fact that she doesn't seem to have romantic feelings about you (no sex for three years is a dead giveaway, unless she's a nun, in which case, shame on you!), her new job will bring baggage into your relationship that will totally drive you bonkers.  Yes, even providers need someone to love and support them, but at what cost to yourself.

For reference on this, please search messages on this board with my name as author going back a few months.  Especially the one posted 7/4/02 called "Re:Question for Clients-Feelings for a Provider."  I spelled it out in detail what it's like to be involved with someone doing this line of work.  Maybe I'm just a big pussy, but it really f***ed with me.  Still does, though I'm past thinking (I hope) about a future for us.  Anyway, good luck.  Let us know what happens.

-- Modified on 11/23/2002 9:34:08 AM

Papercup, I agree with almost all your analysis. Except the point about "stay friends if you can." I don't recommend that. I recommend he break all ties absolutely -- a three-year moonpie obsession needs to go cold-turkey to have the desired effect.

Three years! Wow, what's with THAT? I remember back in my frustrated days, when I thought women wanted men to "take it slow," and I learned (the hard way) that they didn't mean that when they said it, they just wanted to appear not to be horny so I wouldn't dismiss them as "sluts."

Caharmon, you've been through the ringer with this woman. It's time you fished or cut bait. She (and you) will be impressed with a man who can make decisions, and she won't continue to take advantage of the mono-directional emotional support you're giving her while expecting no reciprocation, either.

"I have been dating a Lady for about three years now."

"she is virtually never home, and when she is home I have a hard time getting her to meet me somewhere for something as simple as lunch."

"Being as our relationship has not been consumated yet(her choice, not mine, but I need to respect it)."

What makes you think you two are "dating"? Does SHE know you are "dating"?

I don't find people I have "dated" during the years difficult to get in touch with, even when it wasn't exclusive...and when I did, I didn't have any diffculty getting them to go out with me, as their schedule permitted (as in, she is seeing someone else tommorrow night, but what about Friday?) When somoene actually WANTS to spend time with you, they MAKE time, even if they aren't available at a moments notice or on your first choice of dates / time.

This is the deal...she doesn't have a romantic interest in you.(unless you are going to prove us wrong by saying you've done EVERYTTHING EXCEPT fuck, in which case you actually have a bigger problem, because she is either screwing with your head, or "she" is a "he") I know you have fixated on her for whatever reasons...you've known her for years, she is kind to you, you lost a love one, she filled the void emotionally on some level.

But she doesn't have a romantic interest in you...unless you have firm knowledge otherwise. Have you even discussed...in three years...this romantic interest? Or are you just assuming that because you have HAD lunch, then you are dating?

My advice...it doesn't matter if she is escorting or not, because you are not a significant figure in her love life, and you absolutely, by your own admission, are not a relevant figure in her sex life. And besdies, if she were, what would you do about it?

Time to pick yourself up from your previous relationship that you a grieving over, and move into a REAL relationship. This was / is just an easy resting place...she was there when you were down, she was / is nice to you, when she makes time for you. But it isn't a real relationship, nor is it a substitute for one...



-- Modified on 11/23/2002 7:36:54 PM

Yes, it has been discussed before...but that's OK, most issues have--at least at one time or another.  The only reason I mention this is that if you are truly seeking opinions that might be helpful to you, you might want to use the find message feature to search those previous posts.

Having said that, let me cut to the chase with regards to this particular post of yours.  You've used the term "unconditional honesty."  But while I certainly have no opinion about your lady friend, the fact that YOU can't be straightforward enough to pose the question seems IMO to belie your statement.  It may be a marveleous thing to dream about, but like many dreams shouldn't be expected to be found in real life.  And are your REALLY sure that's what you want...or do you only apply it to this particular situation?  Besides...how can you expect to receive what you're unwilling to give yourself?

You're right, MLAM.  Whether or not she's providing, their one-sided relationship isn't doing him any good.  She might be very sweet and have a lot of good qualities, but it's obvious that he's being used (intentionally or not) and has no future with her.  Never did have.  Book-guy has a good point, too.  A clean break is easier in the long run.

I know, I'm a fine one to talk, but at least I'm getting laid...  

... even at salon prices.  

OTOH, seems like I recall seeing an ad in the weeklies for a London-trained hairstylist who gave topless haircuts at home.  The ad ran for years, but I don't know if it still does.  

I'm sure it's not the same person... Tell me she's not English!  :-0

Your relationship doesnt sound like any dating relationship I have ever had. Sorry, dont mean to sound harsh, but it sounds like she is avoiding you. And assuming that because she suggested she had a client at her house, that she is escorting, says more about you than her.

When one of us participates in an unorthodox activity, it makes us more likely define the norm more toward us. Eg...those who participate in S&M type activities when asked to estimate the percentage of the general population which also does S&M, invariably guesses much high than is accurate. Also, whether she is escorting or not, is none of your business. I don't say that in the sense that if she is escorting you just better learn to like it, but in the sense that it doesnt sound like you are a very big part in her life. (you can ner get her at home and when she is home you cant see her). Sounds more like she is either avoiding you, or has a boyfriend. Either way, as a man, I would move on.

Girlfriends (or people who love you) dont act like this.

Ditto everything that was said before. Its time for you to be a man. Well really that should have happened about 2 1/2 years ago. There is no romantic relationship going on here from what you told us. She considers you a casual friend. If you were in a real relationship, she would respect you enough to make time for you, and confide in her occupation choice especially if it is escorting. Trust me, you have to be very mentally tough to deal with the fact that the lady you love makes her living by providing intimate companionship to strangers for the most part. As was th line in A Few Good Men "You don't want to know the truth! You can't handle the truth"!