I had problems hobbying initially. And that's because I tried to "hobby" in the fashion that I believed most people did. Basically, a "piece of strange" every other week or so.
This is NOT to criticize those who do it that way. It's just that way doesn't work for ME.
Unfulfilled? For me, big time. I hardly enjoyed it at all. I would even dissociate during sessions. CERTAINLY not worth paying for.
At the time, I thought it was just stress from various sources or something. But I got lucky, so to speak, and ran across a provider who recognized that I was dissociating and acting; stopped the session, and did some digging.
(Who ever heard of a hobbyist acting for the provider's benefit so she wouldn't feel bad? That was me.)
My ultimate issue, which took some experimentation to uncover, was threefold. First, I'm one of those rare guys whose sexuality tends more toward the monogamous end of the spectrum. So rapid bed hopping won't work for me. Second, I have difficulty enjoying sex with someone I don't know and like -- and preferably even admire and respect. Third, I was scared absolutely shitless of somehow psychologically damaging the women I was seeing.
Again -- that's ME. Others are most definitely different.
So I changed the way I hobby to match my own proclivities. Most of my sessions are with one woman. If I'm going to see a woman I haven't seen before, I always allow 6-8 weeks of chastity prior to seeing her. (Which is why "Hey! I'm in town come and see me!" seldom works for me and sessions are planned in advance.)
I make sure that any woman I book is someone who manifests attributes outside of sex that would tend to make me like her to start with. And I have developed protocols that satisfy me that the women I book won't be harmed in any way by my visit.
Even then, on a FIRST session, I can have difficulties of various sorts and I can be a real bear to engage in the moment. (I've only seen two women who could successfully fully engage me on a first session.) Repeat sessions, though, are never a problem.
So, now I hobby successfully and actually ENJOY the sessions that I have. Most with one woman, and most of the rest being repeats with an occasional new provider.
I am NOT saying that what works for me will work for you.
What I am saying is figure out your own proclivities. SOMETHING in the way you are hobbying is running contrary to your nature. Figure out what it is, and modify.
If you can't figure it out; then I would start with seeing the same woman repeatedly (but no more than 5 times in 28 days due to physiological bonding mechanisms.).
Building a comfort level with a woman and getting to appreciate her as a human being can make a BIG difference. It certainly did for me.
It makes the difference between sex where I feel bad afterwards; and sex where I am in bliss for a week after.
The strangest thing. I've been hobbying on and off for a couple of years now - not too regularly, maybe once a month. I have seen some incredibly attractive women over that time, but I have to say for the most part, my encounters have been erm... OK. Certainly not spectacular.
And in no case do I consider it the fault of any of the providers.
I've always been a huge fan of sex (aren't we all?) and finally convinced myself I deserved the odd treat as my domestic situation didn't provide often enough. So I took the leap, just the odd R&T session to start and then jumped into F/S. But I can't help but feel a little unfulfilled by my experiences so far, especially given the monetary investment.
During a session, I will often feel surprisingly un-aroused, sometimes even having difficulty maintaining wood (even though I have been careful to choose my "type"). This is certainly not a problem outside the hobby. And even if I do, my own performance is nowhere near what I would expect at home.
So what gives? Nerves? Just need to find a regular provider to get really comfortable with?
Any thoughts greatly appreciated. I certainly don't want to retire just yet!
What's your internal dialogue before the date and during it? You'd be amazed how much your head space can effect the time together.
I suggest finding start looking for women who prefer longer dates (dinner and overnight). If her rates really favor longer get togethers, then it's probably something she really enjoys and is a good first clue. As usual pick her carefully, not "type" just in body, but in mind as well.
Doing things together outside of the bedroom ads a real spark to sensual play.
When you do find someone that captivates your fantasies, then keep seeing her. Build a friendship, explore each other and memorable moments happen all by themselves.
needs to be some form of a connection in order perform, unless the guy is a young 20 something who has a hardon 23 hours a day and can perform like the Energizer bunny.
It may be that the hobby is not for you.
Can you track down any feelings of guilt? If so, They may not be over the sexual infidelity but a sort of buyers remorse thing. Either way, that can be a mood killer.
Do you want more emotional connection than you're getting? If so, you may need to look for a lady who really clicks with you and that could take a substantial investment over time.
Fear of being busted, STDs, going to hell? That'll kill the mood, too.
Not everyone is suited for this pursuit. Maybe you just need to talk to the SO about why you;re not getting enough at home.
Don't underestimate the power that a good guilt trip can have over your ability to really cut loose and enjoy the experience. Also, any lingering fears that you may have are also potential deal breakers to the Nth degree.
Self reflection and perhaps candid discussions with your SO or a therapist may help you overall.
Good luck.
She will probably need more input from you, but on the other hand I never cease to be amazed at her deft insights into situations.
She is on The Erotic Highway Board on this same site. Look over to the list of other Boards to your left.
Don't worry. She will not bite.
I had problems hobbying initially. And that's because I tried to "hobby" in the fashion that I believed most people did. Basically, a "piece of strange" every other week or so.
This is NOT to criticize those who do it that way. It's just that way doesn't work for ME.
Unfulfilled? For me, big time. I hardly enjoyed it at all. I would even dissociate during sessions. CERTAINLY not worth paying for.
At the time, I thought it was just stress from various sources or something. But I got lucky, so to speak, and ran across a provider who recognized that I was dissociating and acting; stopped the session, and did some digging.
(Who ever heard of a hobbyist acting for the provider's benefit so she wouldn't feel bad? That was me.)
My ultimate issue, which took some experimentation to uncover, was threefold. First, I'm one of those rare guys whose sexuality tends more toward the monogamous end of the spectrum. So rapid bed hopping won't work for me. Second, I have difficulty enjoying sex with someone I don't know and like -- and preferably even admire and respect. Third, I was scared absolutely shitless of somehow psychologically damaging the women I was seeing.
Again -- that's ME. Others are most definitely different.
So I changed the way I hobby to match my own proclivities. Most of my sessions are with one woman. If I'm going to see a woman I haven't seen before, I always allow 6-8 weeks of chastity prior to seeing her. (Which is why "Hey! I'm in town come and see me!" seldom works for me and sessions are planned in advance.)
I make sure that any woman I book is someone who manifests attributes outside of sex that would tend to make me like her to start with. And I have developed protocols that satisfy me that the women I book won't be harmed in any way by my visit.
Even then, on a FIRST session, I can have difficulties of various sorts and I can be a real bear to engage in the moment. (I've only seen two women who could successfully fully engage me on a first session.) Repeat sessions, though, are never a problem.
So, now I hobby successfully and actually ENJOY the sessions that I have. Most with one woman, and most of the rest being repeats with an occasional new provider.
I am NOT saying that what works for me will work for you.
What I am saying is figure out your own proclivities. SOMETHING in the way you are hobbying is running contrary to your nature. Figure out what it is, and modify.
If you can't figure it out; then I would start with seeing the same woman repeatedly (but no more than 5 times in 28 days due to physiological bonding mechanisms.).
Building a comfort level with a woman and getting to appreciate her as a human being can make a BIG difference. It certainly did for me.
It makes the difference between sex where I feel bad afterwards; and sex where I am in bliss for a week after.
"If you can't figure it out; then I would start with seeing the same woman repeatedly (but no more than 5 times in 28 days due to physiological bonding mechanisms.)"
I'm just honestly curious where those numbers came from. I wasn't aware that bonding could be predictable to such a degree.
You're testing my memory a bit; so I can only report the gist but not the source at the moment.
In essence, on average, it takes a certain number of instances of copulation for a woman to conceive.
During these instances of copulation, due to repeated hormone releases coupled with association, he bonds.
The purpose of this is to induce him to provide for the woman during pregnancy and while she is unable to provide fully for the baby's needs.
The number 5 is an average. Some guys may never bond. Some will bond with just 3.
This process can be interrupted by introducing another female to the mix or by allowing long periods of time between couplings.
... is that while I advocate seeing the same provider repeatedly in this instance; the guy shouldn't see her TOO often unless he is either one of those guys who bonds with difficulty or doesn't mind dealing with that with a woman whose name he doesn't even know.
Interesting. I had not heard that line of thought before.
Figure out what your hobbying style should be. I know, especially if you've got a Significant Other, you may not want to feel like you're meeting another girlfriend BUT it may be the thing that normalizes this as just good sex for you. Not everyone thrives on that thrill of 'getting some strange'. I would suggest connecting with someone on a level other than the hobby, just as a change from what you've been doing. I'm pretty sure in two years, a provider a month, you have run into a beautiful, intelligent women that can stimulate you in more ways than one...
so damn vanilla and boring. Hell I couldn't get off BB with the wife. You call it performance...I call it bad sex.
If you are out hobbying, there is something missing, but you are distrated because you let the "guilts" get to you.
On the other hand, maybe what's at home UISN't the one with the sex problem. If you cant feel fulfilled with some of the hot GFE's around, maybe you are dead.
Go into your next date with the attitude that for an hour or two you are totally in love with this lady. Try to give what you get.
Sounds like you are a lazy ass lover that just expects this all to happen for you with little or no input of your own!
Don't have each and every session just like the last one. Go for the variety it has to offer.
You may not find it satisying because you're not into the person that you're with. In the civie world there is attraction, desire, flirting, getting to know the individual's personality, day dreaming about that person perhaps; and finally BAM when it happens its amazing because there has been quite a build up. Not quite the same with a paid provider generally.
Spend some time being a husband, father. Stop hobbying for six months to focus on your job and home roles. Your needs/priorities will become clear. After after your layoff you choose to restart hobbying, view hobbying as a treat and not a right, hobby maybe once per month or less.
...for everyone's input (more welcome, of course).
[Wow, Dr Gupta, you really are incredibly smart. From the few sentences I wrote, you ascertained that my domestic situation is in the pan, and because I haven't found the ultimate experience yet, I am a selfish lover. What intuition.]
Going forward, I think my best bet is to try and find a regular provider (being wary of any attachment issues!) and work on increasing the comfort level.
What? No one else thought that? WTF?
Seriously. We have some of the hottest women on the planet right on this very site willing to fuck us. For money.
Shit. We pay for it, one way or the other. WTF difference does it make?
Few things make me as happy as burying my dick in a wonderful woman. Provider or not.
So yeah. Maybe you should re-think what it is *exactly* what you're looking for.
BTW, toot69, just fucking withya!
Hope you didn't take it personally! 