I know my reasons, and have been asked many times 'why'? I usually give a pat answer but the real reason is very different than what I usually impart to others. The reason is my brother. Nearly four years ago I received a call from someone I did not know, telling me that my older brother was dying from cancer and that he had less than two weeks to live. I didn't hesitate and immediately flew several thousand kilometers to take care of him. Instead of two weeks, my brother lived nearly six months and I could not abandon him, he had no one. But I also had many obligations and this was a way out. Anyways, I have a journalism degree and write history books (doesn't pay well at all) but the week before he died, I wrote this, it is called 'The Windows of his Soul"

My brother has beautiful eyes, haunting green pools swept by dark lashes. His head is bent low and in the dim light I see tears beneath his lashes, glinting like diamonds.

He suffers in silence but his beautiful eyes speak to me and tell me everything. He is alone even though I am there.

I know that at night he is afraid to close his eyes, terrified that come the morning he won't wake up. And I am afraid to close my own eyes for the very same reason. And sometimes, drowning in fathomless guilt and shame, I am also afraid that as daylight comes, he will open his beautiful eyes once again.

His incredibly beautiful eyes, dulled by the morphine that keeps him from crying out. His frail body wracked with great shuddering coughs that go on and on, until I am certain that something fragile inside of him must surely break.

Once I loved to look into his beautiful eyes, now I look away, my own fear, my own guilt and shame draining what little courage I have gathered.

My brother has beautiful eyes and I love him.


   I finished writing this four hours and forty eight minutes before he died. I was also fortunate enuff to read it to him before he died that day.


Sorry if this seems rather sad or even morbid, but it really is how this whole adventure came about. take care, and never take anything for granted, hugs dana

sounds as if your brother fought the good fight...and you gave him your last full measure of devotion.  In the case of us writers, and you obviously are one, that last full measure is... we write, and we write with our souls.  I'm sure there wasn't a dry eye in the house if you gave the eulogy.  Again, regrets for your loss.

What a beautful story!  You should be very proud that you were there with your brohter at the last. I deal with death all the time (medic) and I can tell you that death is a part of life.

Disease (the worse is the one you witnessed) robs those we love of valued time.  I admire your raw courage (you should not think you have anything but) to take care of your brohter and be there with him at the last. I an also tell you that your brother is without pain...without suffering....and awaits you on the other side...you will see his beautful eyes again.

You have a wonderful talent to write. I stand in awe at the talent you have to show inside your heart even at the expense of such a sad time in your life...and the life of your Brother. Keep up the this gift.....you will go far!

It is never any of my biz...but I sometimes wonder why so many beautful woman enter into this. Your story is sad, but at the same time....uplifting. Thank you for a wonderful post!

Your new friend,
Ozzy

Your words were expressive and beautiful.  They reminded me very poigniantly of the death of my sister last June.  Thank you for sharing that.

Your post was not morbid at all...how we deal with death is often as important as how we deal with life, and death is a part of life.  I hope that whatever you have hoped to experience out of this direction you have taken with your life has furthered your appreciation for the love you and your brother shared, as well as your own apprciation for life.

-- Modified on 7/8/2004 11:05:28 AM

PM'ed her to that effect.  But TER search doesn't show anything for her name.  Any tips, Ace?

Her email [email protected]
telephone numbers250) 204-1600,(310) 699-7861

I know pat answers are easier but the truth leaves open the option of real communication and true connections (something you obviously value).  Thank you for sharing.

LJ

Sometimes we do things in this world for our love ones or for us to survive. But we still need to thank the preciousness of our lives and that we must enjoy why we are here. I think your brother died peacefully. And your eye connection showed that both your souls opened up to each other and he is still very much alive in you. As I read your letter, your brother's presence is here. That's really great and his journey will continue pass his mortal body. We need to rejoice instead of feel sad or morbid, because that's what he wants - he does not want you to be sad


-- Modified on 7/8/2004 3:12:49 PM

me shed a little tear. Thanks. I'm sorry for your loss.

Dearest Dana...

I feel you pain and your loss as it brought back very sad memories of the loss of my older brother and best friend, several years(in July) earlier than your loss under similar circumstances(Cancer and way much,too much too soon/ quick)

Unfortunately, the heartache never goes away but the fantastic,happy memories live on... as life goes on...so I do not dwell on the sad times but try to celebrate the great times I spent with him while he was alive.

The lesson I learned is to live each and every day of life to the fullest as one never knows what lies ahead for us.... here Today and maybe gone tomorrow.

Live and let live!

Cheers!






-- Modified on 7/8/2004 7:55:48 PM

Reana: You are as intelligent as you are good looking: You are beautiful. eom

Thankyou Ace, I wanted to respond privately to you but you do not have a little letter box thingy by your name. so I will say how much I appreciate what you said openly. It does make me feel better to see the kindness of all of you in your posts. This really wasn't about me, it was a long overdue public eulogy to my brother, a letter I had written, and then put away, only to see it again this morning as I was unpacking. We put things away, the things that cause us pain, and today I discovered something I had purposely forgotten. It does feel good to be alive, hugs and kisses, Dana

Hugs xxoxxxo

Then I had tears in my eyes when I reread it.

It's so close to the reason I became a hobbyist.  Except my story  doesn't have an ending.

/Zin

for what you did and what you stood for with that look in his eyes. May whatever powers you believe in - bless you.

It's 4 years later, what keeps you in the biz?

-- Modified on 7/8/2004 10:38:21 PM

As there always is, there is someone who, for whatever reasons, reads more into something than there is. My reasons for staying in this biz is neither the meat of this topic or any of your business. You have your own motives for questiong mine, I know mine are pure, I really doubt that yours are intended for the good of anyone. Good luck and as I said earlier, never take anything for granted, Dana

-- Modified on 7/9/2004 4:18:57 AM

Although you confided the truth behind your entering "this biz" to me many months back it was no less moving now than the first time. You truly are a cut above Dana and I will always consider myself blessed for knowing you as well as I do.

  My love & respect

   FR.

BEBOP,

This was so mean sprited, this board is to share with each other abut us. Dana never mentioned anything why she stayed in
this Biz, She only shared why she got in. The reason why Dana
stays in this industry is totally up to Dana. That is something sacred to every provider why they stay, leave, or start

Dana I hope you get thru this and ignore the debating forum.
I for one was glad to meet you.

This story is as touching now as when your first told it to me.  I wish you all the best and hope your find what you seek in this journey called life.

It was a simple question, the answer to which I was curious to hear, nothing more.  If I touched a nerve and/or you wish not to answer that is fine but your speculations about my motives or intentions for asking it are just that, your speculations.  I think you read far more into my question than I read into your post.

BTW, I take nothing for granted.

I'll have someone like you!

In this day and age when so many people don't want to be inconvenienced, and so quickly dump others into nursing homes, your care for your brother is so refreshing! I assure you, you will never regret having done this.

Thank you for what you did!