I dated 2 men in my personal life that someone else described both men as having big egos.

Both were highly successful men in their careers.

Is a man with a big ego really a big ego or is it really a softie with a lack of self confidence or someone with a serious short coming ?

xo Lisa

Success can breed a certain contempt in people and I  think you are right, it's often built around a fear and loathing of the unknown or worse, believing they will get found out... Most of this ego phenomena is cultivated in our culture and tied up in stereotypical roles of men and women. Many successful men also objectify women and will treat others with disdain because they don't measure up... Then there are perfectly successful people who don't have any of those characteristics and are giving and caring people. Sometimes we attract people to our lives out of our own insecurities. If that is not what you want, change it. It only requires that you are honest with yourself and doubly honest with the next guy and walk away if that is not where you want to be at the end of the day.

...if I take the blue pill my big ego is a really big ego. Otherwise, it's more of a softie.

The short answer: unless you get to know them well, you can never tell what is going on behind the bluster.

There's this idea in society that in order to succeed in any endeavor you must always appear self-assured and in control.  People are more likely to trust you.  Certainly this is principle behind any successful lie or con.  If you don't "believe" the story, no one else will.

Even if it's all an act, it might be possible that if someone does it long enough it becomes pathological and therefore real.  That is, the more one has invested in one's appearance, the more incentive one have to construct a whole world around it.  I once knew someone who started lying to his abusive parents to avoid confrontation with them.  He had been doing this extensively as a teenager and by the time he was in his 30s, he couldn't stop.  He didn't lie maliciously or for immediate gain, he had just become so good at it, it became as natural as breathing.  I've actually had disagreements with this guy where he would be losing the argument, contradict himself without even blinking, and then claim it was his point all along!

Someone I respect once said that we are more vitally defined by our anxieties than we would like to admit.  There's no shortage of evidence to support that claim.

-- Modified on 1/4/2008 10:48:04 PM

Hi Lisa, this is long-winded, sorry about that!

I believe it is partially regional. For example; if you’re from New York or LA, or South Beach Florida, women and men both put higher value in careers and ambition. However, if you were from the Midwest or down south, while it could be important, there are other factors that matter more to both sexes.

I am highly successful in my career, through hard work and personal and social sacrifices (gave up marriage, family and children, plus a ton of social interaction – to be a young 29 year old exec).

You pay a price also, I’m out of shape, have ulcers, and stress and social anxietal problems. A lot of people don’t know the toll success takes on some.  There are guys that have it all (HUGE success, GREAT looking, and have a brilliant social life. but that is an atypical case.) This is of course why I’m here and hobbying is a perfect fit. It really depends on how the ‘success’ was made. If they are a ‘successful’ actor for example the aforementioned would not apply. Doctors also have huge egos by default (in general..), and this wouldn’t apply either.

In my case, I can tell you I have a pretty large ego (I’m also a musician.) but I am actually a softie with a lack of self-confidence, on the inner-surface. Most women pick this up eventually, though not initially. Certainly not before I’ve f***ed them. But once you get under the surface sometimes things go a little weird. Why I prefer this lifestyle, I do not enjoy being accountable for the pain that’s involved revealing my true-self to a partner and having her running for the hills because she cannot understand that I am a hardworking, scarred in many ways individual. Remember Success breeds from diversity
Most ‘hot’ guys don’t need diversity.

-Mike

...to hide insecurities. It really doesn't matter if it's real or contrived. I don't waste much time with people who are more interested in talking about themselves than anything else. I've had the same experience with providers-especially some younger gals-and I'm convinced that, in this case, it's a defense mechanism brought on by nerves most of the time.

29, highly successful career wise, but with ulcers, stress, out of shape, etc?  Is the big paycheck really worth the cost if your health is adversely affected?  Yikes, when I was 29, I was living it up, certainly not as hard driving nor earning really big bucks (although I was doing fine, mind you...), but I was in peak shape, no health problems, had a life, travelled to some really cool places without a worry about what was happening at the office.  Now in late 40's, doing quite well (could have done better career-wide, but not willing to sacrifice the other aspects of life), in reasonably good shape, still have most of my hair (very little gray!), and hobby at will.  Might do you well to step back a bit, and look towards the future...sacrificing health is not worth it in the long run...you won't care about your career if you're on a gurney at 35 suffering a heart attack, staring death in the face, and the attending is a sleep deprived resident pulling a triple shift who's had an hour of sleep in the past day and a half!

Is the price worth paying?  Only you can decide...

I never liked men that were 'full of themselves'
but I think most men in business have to put up a 'wall or certain persona' so that they don't get walked over.

Look at Donald Trump, what an ego, but he has made a name for himself. If you watch him in interviews, his ego soars per second, but as you stated, deep down when it comes to his personal like, he is just that: a big mushy softy!

Is that anything like the wives' tale that men with big feet have big dicks?  (Size 15-D--shoes, that is).

We all usually develop some sort of strong part of us... Then we call that story "who we are"  It is not all of who we are just the most pronounced.

Kind of like if you were to work only one muscle, every day, all day... it would become huge. The rest of you still exsists, but this huge muscle would be pronounced.

The problem with working out only one part of you is often other parts atrophy and you forget those parts... So a huge ego makes these guys successful and grand, but it gets in the way of what ever people with huge egos forget to work on.

So simple answer... no men with huge egos is not really a big ego, it is they forgot to do a balanced workout.

but it's more important to be nice.

If you don't blow your own horn... someone else will use it for a spitoon.

Giggle,
TS Jamie

Where does your question arise from? Does it arise from how these men treated you as a woman, as a person? How did these men treat you, and who was this "someone else," who told you they had big egos? What does that mean? And, why did that person tell you that? Do you think it's true? If you now believe it's true, how is it you couldn't see it to begin with? These are all questions that came to me mostly because I do not fully understand what you are searching for.

A person who has a healthy ego can experience the praise and admiration of others, enjoy it, use the good energy s/he receives from it, but doe not allow it to get in the way of her/his goals or personal happiness. Nor, does lack of praise or admiration. Someone who has a weak ego can be viewed like a balloon. It becomes big through becoming inflated. But, once inflated it is highly vulnerable to becoming deflated very rapidly. When this rapid deflation occurs, the person feels like the whole world is falling in; it feels crushing. How someone treats others during success or failure tells you if they have a strong or weak ego. Each person's ego can become weak in various situations. In Alcoholics Anonymous they have an acronym called (HALT). Never get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Doing so will often weaken your ego. Some people, at a very early age, develop a weak ego, and much of what they do in life, and how they treat people is their attempt at staying inflated vs. deflated.

I hope somewhere in my ramblings there is an answer to your question.

I look at my friends in my civvie life and we all have something in common... some of which is our insecurities, some our hobbies, world outlook, etc... but when I found I had attracted some new friends that were not what I wanted, I made the change in myself first and then ditched the bitches.

Katie

I agree with you. I've never been in shape though. I was a big kid. I'm actually down 50-70 pounds from my late teens (I'm around 250 , was closer to 300 +) It sucks, but I try not to complain, because I don't do much about it. I do plan on bettering myself in these ways soon, as things are starting to settle down. I lost a ton of weight in 04-05 and have kept it off. I also eat healthier now, just don't exercise as much as I should.

The deal is, I have always been a social-outcast type. I've been seeing providers since I wa 17. I've had maybe 3/4 regular LTR relationships (2 fiances), and way to many one-nighters (this had to stop, it's wreckless). I find comfort in these ladies in that they (see: typically) will not judge.

Remember my friend, there is a generational difference between you and I. Even my dad (who is older than you by a few -- ) who was a proffesional psychologist only worked a 40 hour week. Now we are truly expected to work 60 hours in most fields -- that pay 6 figures. I think you (aside from being a normally adjusted fellow) grew up in a better time. Sound like you are healthy in body and mind, and I envy that.

Very Good K- I think you are probably wise beyond your years. It's funny how some of us take a lifetime to do these things... The best is yet to come... PM when you want to exchange ideas.

Kinda like the ego question-- sometimes the tits are real and sometimes they are manufactured...

Lisa, this is an interesting question with some incredibly insightful answers given by the other respondents.  

I would like to add one more area I have seen from my personal experience.  As most of the respondents pointed out, egos seem to be most often associated with people who are very successful in their particular field of expertise.

When these individuals venture into other areas outside their fields of expertise, they assume they will have the same success rate they have in their own field.  

If you know any financial advisers or CPA's they will all have many stories about doctors, lawyers, business owners, etc. who may have taxable incomes in excess of a million dollars per year who make incredibly bad investment or business decisions outside their fields because they think they are so smart their egos do not allow them to look to others who are experts in the fields they are venturing into.

So in that way, I feel your question can have both answers you put forward with the same individual.  In his field of expertise he actually does have a huge ego and it is justified.  In areas outside his field of expertise, he probably wants to have that same feeling of control but does not have it so his ego gets in the way and may be used to cover up his lack of self confidence in a particular venture.

Personally, I didn't get to six figures income-wise until my early 40's.  And I intend to stay there!  My prespective on Gen - Xers is that you guys tend to fall professionally into two categories...first is the hard driving, type A type...who does whatever is needed to get ahead, regardless of the fall-out both personally and to those around you.  Hate to say this, but you not be making many friends by taking this approach!  Second category is the more easy going type B, who networks with everyone, seeks to be friends, and is able to work well and collaberate with everyone, regardless of generational differences.  These guys more often get the promos and bigger bucks, much to the consternation of the affore mentioned type A's.  As for me, as a later wave boomer, I have been to both places...back in the early '90's, during several waves of corporate downsizings, it was necessary to work the 60/70 hour workweeks in order to survive.  And I paid the price, and did so...it wasn't fun, missed a couple of Super Bowl's while working on late Sunday evening projects back then.  Yes, I eventially got the promo, but the price was steep...at one point in '93, when the workload slacked a bit, I made a promise to myself to get to know me again!   But I made time to step back, and those sailing vacations in the BVU back then are what I remember.  To this day, one of my better moments was calling my boss from Tortola on a Monday morning back in spring of '92, to inform him that I would not be able to be back on Weds., when we had a two-day round of meetings scheduled...his reaction, not pleased, but go ahead...I sensed a sort of envy on his part!  

As for your comments on your participation in the hobby, sounds similar to my story back then.  A friend brought me to a brothel for my first hobby experience to celebrate my 21st birhtday...not as good as today, but OK then!  I also had a failed engagement...she dumped me for a custodian in her appt. complex w/ less than half my income, and no real future prospects.  His sole advantage...being taller, and being handy around the house!  She later divorced him, and has since become a successful real estate agent in town.  As good looking as she was/is, I wouldn't go for round four (yes, there were interim rounds where I tried to salvage things...didn't work!)...too much water has passed under the bridge!

As for today...well, the Giants are in the play-offs...if they were playing at home, I would likely be there.  And I have an appt. to see my ATF this evening.  So life is good today, but the next six weeks will be a hard slog professionally, before things slowly slack off into mid-spring, after tax/regulatory filing season passes...  

Just remember, while it is good to work hard and get ahead, take time out to enjoy your success.  And don't let your health fall by the wayside...nothing else matters more than that, in the long-run.  Have a good one...

CD