People are setting their phones to vibrate, sticking them up their arses and dialing the number.

Not that I would ever do such a thing.

the shit people tell you on the phone.

i'll take the cell in the john with me as i consider my wagers for the day. Don't wanna wait too long after all. My bookie just ignores the swirling noises while i rattle off my bets.

My cousin uses the iphone, and he uses it consistently. Every time I am at his house, he is always holding it close to his face watching youtube clips. Now, when he uses the bathroom, he brings it with him and watches youtube clips. After he is done, he places his phone on the ground and flushes the toilet, and some liquid waste may have splash on to the phone. After repeated occurrences, I am not surprise that his phone has shit particles on it.

Another factor, some people don't wash their hands after taking a dump, and that may influence the data. But, "shit" happens. Best thing we can do is use protection while using some1 elses phone, give me a fucking ear condom and wear some damn gloves next time.

The one, the only (and figures he was French)...

The inimitable Ace Ventura.

I think you've presented this link in the past and I countered with the Mel Brooks character, Gov. LePetomane from "Blazing Saddles."
More beans, Mr. Fisher? er, Taggart?