I lost my father to Cancer that took a year to finish, That was the hardest as we had to deal with knowing he was terminal but hoping for a miracle cure. At then end he went into a coma two weeks before the end and it was tough knowing he was never coming out of the hospital, but in the end that made it easier when I was at work and the call came as I had already been grieving for two weeks. It has now been close to 40 years and I am older then my father ever lived to and I still get occasional days when it hurts that he is not here.
My second was a close work acquaintance who one day let a bunch of us know she was terminal and had about a year to live, she had even had a plan for how the end would come at home and heavily sedated. Again the immediate grief was the hardest, your there and talking to them but know the end is coming. After she left work for good we still communicated by email a couple of times a day and then one day the email was from her husband.
I have lost my mother and other relatives to more speedy or overnight occurrences and while the shock can be unsettling I find the grief easier to handle then a long terminal illness. Being with a person and knowing they are close to death takes a toll whether it is a close relative or just an acquaintance. You just have too long to dwell on it and it will be a rough time. You will develop your own means of coping with it as you said baring a miracle it's going to happen. I wish you the best in your situation it will not be easy. I find now many years later what I remember most from that year is the good times we had together. Driving my dad to a vacation that went great, Christmas that brought my brother all the way across country when he could not really afford it. So even though you can't change the outcome you can make some good memories. Concentrate on making those special events it will help you later on.

someone who is very close to me is designated terminal barring a miracle. i have attended all of the support classes that are designed to help with that dianosis but i can't help to feel overwhelmed at times. how do you all deal with your grief?


lonely at times

I think everyone handles it differently.

Sometimes I am unable to function... the loss of my Parents hits me at the strangest times...and I officially HATE Thanksgiving and Christmas....my Parents were those annoying neighbors who had their entire yard lit up and played Nate King Cole at full blast...I was an only child and my Momma lived with me before she died. She was sick and wanted to leave....but we had so much other shit to do...and then she was gone.

I have resolved in my mind that I am never ever never going to get over my Momma not being here...no amount of any kinda counseling is going to help.....I am fine till the Holidays.....this year will probably be worse bc I took over the responsibility of hosting our hugeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee family party on Thanksgiving....I will cry all the way through the whole thing.....my family and friends understand I cannot deal with the holidays...(but I need to be around people who love me)....I just cry, do what I need to do, and keep hugging people bc it is not going to get any better.

So to answer your question.....I deal with my grief in my own way.....I don't fight to not cry, and I accept the support from people who kinda understand how I feel.....I love to hug so I do a lot of hugging when I start tearing up.

I've buried both parents and a sister, and this always helped...

but being lonely is everpresent.

and hope no one see's it.

is not to be angry and that my loved one doesn't suffer

to assure me that everything will be ok and i should go about my business as usual. sometimes i think he pushes me away.

it made me cry even more. its very comforting

The biggest loss I've suffered was my father about 7 years ago to a four month bout of liver cancer.  His mind was sharp till the end, even as his body wasted away to a pile of bones.

I got the call he passed away from my sister who was at his side and I got there in an hour to sit with her and my mom.

Strangely, I felt calm and not at all grieving for some reason.  Then the people from the mortuary showed up to take my father away, so we moved from the bedroom where my father lay to the living room as they did their business.

Finally I heard them wheeling the gurney through the kitchen to the front door.  I knew I shouldn't but I had to get up to watch.  They rolled the gurney over the threshold of the front door, the same threshold I had stood at countless evenings as a young child waiting for him to come home - and then it all hit me at once and I broke down and started sobbing like I never had before.  He would never cross over that threshold again.

Bottom line:  Feel the experience, and be with kind and loving people as much as possible.

My thanks to you for reaching out here.

i lost a parent to a disease that was long lasting, debilitating, but mercifully not painful except psychologically.

it was necessary to grieve twice in this case. first there was the loss of the relationship. i became a stranger who was not recognized. i would be thanked as a stranger for visiting since "my family doesn't visit me anymore". so the period of loss was prolonged.

i thought that when the end finally came, it wouldn't matter. i had already paid my price in grief. but i was wrong.

as this affects the hobby: when i was informed of the death i had two pending appointments. one with an ATF, one a first time appointment with a charming, sympatico young lady who i met through some board posts. naturally i rescheduled both.

first: i was busy taking care of attangements.

second: when i am in a state of grief, it is best for me to just be alone. i am not presentable as company. i get through it quicker if i just live through it and not try to distract myself with entertainment. i keep busy, but i stay solitary.

You went to the support classes and stuff so you know the sages. But knowing them as you know is different then living them. You just need to know it is OK to be overwhelmed. It OK to be depressed, angry, pleading, desperate, lonely, scared and to even accept it.

Don't deny your feelings work threw them with friends, family and counselling. Share those feelings with others that are close. It is even OK to share these feelings with the loved one that is dying. I bet he is feeling the same. Trust me on this. You can support each other to the end. Make sure he knows how much you love him. Spend time with him. Remember him at his best.  In time you will find yourself stronger and better able to cope. You will grow to accept things as they are.

If you need to talk or vent feel free to PM and I will send my number. If you are who I think you are you likely already have it. Just know you are not alone. My heart goes out to you.

First off, I'm sorry to hear about your loved one. I've been there, and am there with two other friends, and have had more than my share pass away this year.

It's really difficult when you know it's coming soon, and some of the things you'll go through are big bouts of depression, as well as anger. You have to be really careful about the anger, it's the easiest way to temporarily suppress the grief but you end up focusing it at your loved one. I think it's a natural emotional reaction taken by the brain to sort of shield you from the anxiety, depression and self-destructive behavior that accompanies grief.

As a man raised in the old school way of thought, I hide it. I try and go about my business as if nothings wrong, letting it chew me up inside whenever I get a moment's peace, then drown it in alcohol and solitude. Unhealthy, yes, and I highly recommend avoiding it, but that was how I was raised and it's part of me. I always end up being the shoulder to cry on, the proverbial rock everyone turns to, so that does give me some solace seeing that I can comfort others.

In your situation, I'd recommend making the most of the time you spend together, and make sure nothing is left unsaid. This way, though you'll be sad when the final day comes to pass, at least there'll be no regrets. A word of caution, what I said about anger above, it can apply to your loved one, too. They may become angry as a way of dealing with their situation or, especially if they're male, try and make you angry so you'll leave and not feel so much grief. We have an odd way of trying to protect our loved ones, and would gladly sacrifice our final moments of comfort if it means not putting you through having to watch us die.

Sorry for the long post, and it probably seems more like a ramble (posting from my phone), but I had to respond. I hope it helps a little, and that others share with you.

God Bless

to expand a little, i think we may be a little acquainted and i am sorry to hear this news. be well. i hope that you get a miracle. if you need an ear, feel free....

I have nothing to add to the good and compassionate words here except we all stand together when death takes our loved ones.
Peace

What? You think I'm kidding?

People handle grief based on their outlook in life. Some are realists and are willing to accept these things as part of life. Some people ask the unanswerable question, why did it happen to me, over and over. Handling grief is very difficult indeed for the second group.

Personally, I only think about things I have control and can do something about everything else I accept as is and don't spend time thinking about at all. Also, a personality trait, more or less.

And I think that is all MP was suggesting in his post.

I do agree with many others in the handling of grief.  We all face this at various times in our lives, and there are just no right/wrong ways to deal with this.

Good luck on this...and hopefully you will find your way.

being alone is how i recover during grief. it's not for everyone and doesn't fit every situation, that's for sure.

that difference is key to how to recharge your energies when handling grief, i think.

i'm an introvert. so when actively involved in managing care i had to find little slices of time when i could be completely alone and still acutely aware of how things were going. i'd find a little slice of time for myself when the relative was resting or not conscious.

i think that you may be an extrovert so full engagement with others may be a better way to go for you. i hope you have friends who can give you a breathing spell of company.

Your grief is natural, even though it may make your loved one feel uncomfortable at times.

When you are feeling overwhelmed, give yourself a timeout from the grief by thinking about something else - an activity may help with this.

It is important to have someone who you can express your feelings to.  

If it is possible for you, you may find one-on-one counseling to be helpful, and the things you talk about with your counselor do not have to be limited to your present grieving situation, if you want to talk about other things.

When you and your loved one express anger at each other, remind yourself that you are both in an extremely stressful situation, and feeling powerful emotions.

As the end of your loved one's life draws closer, you can also busy yourself with making them as physically comfortable as possible.

If they have enriched your life, let them know that.  If they will live on in your memories of them, let them know that too.  Let them know that they made a positive difference in the world, that their life mattered.

My mother died two months ago, and my father 18 months earlier.  In both cases (terminal cancer), I did the death vigil, and was holding their hand and watching them as they took their last breath.  I continued to talk to them, even though they were unconscious.  It was difficult, but for me, it was an opportunity to get closure in a way that has helped me to work through my own grief, and to move on with life in a positive way.  So I was grateful that I had that opportunity.

The most important thing is to be kind to yourself, and let yourself work through the grief.  

First of all, if the person is pushing you away it's probably because he's still in denial.  That will likely change, and don't take it as directed against you.  It's his way of managing his fear.  Second, do everything you can to help him (I'm sure you are), because the one thing you don't want when it's over is to feel regret over something you didn't do.
Last, be sure to take care of yourself.  Treat youself of a nice meal with a friend (or even alone), or anything that gives you pleasure and takes you away from this harsh reality.  The process of seeing someone through such an ordeal is debilitating for the care-giver.  If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of them.

Wiser words was never spoken.

Your feeling are real.  You are entiltled to those feelings.  To deny the emotion is to deny the reality.  The thing is that somehow we must strive to not wallow in it.   It is an emotional roller coaster.  Cry when you need to.  It's ok to hurt...

to a dying person who seems comatose.  A hospice nurse once told me that hearing is the last thing to go and that people who seem comatose and unresponsive can still, up to a point, hear what you're saying.  How they know this, I have no idea.
PS:  To the OP, please contact your local hospice.  They are a wonder and can make the final days much easier for the person who is dying and those around him.

It's important to take care of yourself too. Do things you enjoy. The recommendation to check with hospice care is a good one. One more thing is go ahead and have that good cry whenever it comes upon you. It is the way people deal with grief. It does a body good.  Never feel that you shouldn't cry. Just go ahead and do it. You will find that you feel better and stronger afterward and can carry on.

I took care of my mother. The hospice care people were fantastic. Sometimes I had to get away and do things for myself. Simple like Starbuck's coffee and a good book while sitting in the Starbuck's and listening to the music they play. Yes, I cried too. All of these things made my days easier.

i was afraid of possible rude offerings but you all have taught me a valuable lesson. do not judge the book....

your words will help me through the difficult months ahead. i still hope for that miracle. i cannot fathom a life without my "strength" beside me.



cry's frequently      like now

The intent, of course, is to encourage the grieving to articulate those thoughts and feelings that will help them come to closure, and thus be able to move on in a healthy way.

it can sometimes be overwhelming. I lived with my adored Dad the last 18 months of his life. I saw him slipping away from me by inches. There was nothing I could do to help him; nothing I could do to stop the cancer from draining him.

Except that I was there in the house (when not working). I helped him get his night gear together (he "ate" through a tube in his stomach during the night). We took drives together. I helped him whenever and wherever I could.

When it got to be more than I could handle, I'd wait until he was asleep, and then cry in my room until I fell asleep (when I was married, I learned to cry without making a sound and that helped during this time; I don't think he ever knew how often I cried). Or I'd bury myself in the computer, writing it all out - the anger that he was dying, the grief and selfish wishes that I could have him forever, all of it.

By the time I called my brother and told him that I couldn't do it by myself anymore, I'd gotten over the worst of the grief. I still had the sharpest grief to go through when Dad finally died, but most of the every day, overwhelming part of it was over with by that time.

It's been four years since Dad died, and I still occasionally cry because I miss him. Most of the time, like a poster pointed out above, it's because of a holiday, or his birthday, or because deer season began without him. Life does go on, but sometimes it just plain hurts like hell.

You will survive, m'lady. It may not seem like it right now, but you will survive this. In some ways, the drawn out dying is harder than the unexpected sudden ones; in other ways, it's the unexpected deaths that are harder. I've lived through both within 3 years of each other: my honey (sudden) and then Dad - and I can say, "You will survive this."

And as another said, take care of your own needs as well. It isn't selfish, even though it might feel like it. It's acceptance that he is terminal, and you aren't yet. It's acceptance that death simply IS; that none of us get out alive. The fact that you know approximately when his is just means you have time to prepare for it. Be good to yourself, m'lady.

Terminal cancer.  Dealing with the grief?  Just take it day to day, and never to forget to support and be there for the loved one who is afflicted.  As for miracles, modern medicine may be able to deliver if you have the right doctors and medical support.  Do your own research as to what is possible, and don't be afraid to question or be intimidated by doctors or their support teams.  If they can't deliver or are pessimistic, get second, third, or subsequent opinions.

It's a man's odd way of expressing love. A true man tries to protect those he loves from any and every pain he can. What you see as pushing away, he sees as a way to diminish the pain he knows will come. Please don't fault him for it, he's not trying to cause you more worry and pain, he's just doing the best he can to protect you. We are simple creatures, that's why you love us, and what infuriates you about us.

Seeing a woman's pain causes a man heartache to no end, but being able to comfort her brings us such relief. It's a difficult beam to balance, but if you can hide your pain long enough to get past his barrier, he'll come to understand. Just please don't give up on him thinking he's really pushing you away. Us dummies put up that front, just hoping you'll turn back around and call our bluff...

I am truly sorry for the difficult time you are going through. I wish there were magically words to take your pain away.

My suggestion would be...don't be like me! After our child died in our arms, that is all I could think about. I researched everything that happened, blamed myself for missing some symptoms, didn't want to touch her stuff. I have her dirty clothes still in her room, four years after her death.

She lived and she died. She is gone, yet still so close to me.

I did everything to blame myself. I forgot that he lost her too.

Grief consumed me....I tried to fight it and pretend it wasn't there, not allowing myself to feel the full impact of it.

Please allow yourself to feel the stages of your grief. Allow yourself to see the grief in others that loved this person and share in the happy times that you ALL shared with him/her.

With HOPE....

was to ask friends and family for a letter or email that had a story, a remembrance about Dad (or my honey or Mom) that could be shared among the family and friends during the after-funeral gathering. Yes, the conversations were all about them. But in written form, the stories are things you can look at for some comfort knowing what your loved one meant to someone.

Hope this helps.

Lots of things we have just to accept as they are... when we die no one will care and remember that there was one The_Mrs. who was handling and coping with his grief because of his close friend.
Enjoy your life at this moment and now and do not bother grieving for things you can't change...