Can anyone explain this one?  I have tried to find something in different self-help/psychology books, but come up empty.
Here is the situation:  what is the goal of someone who ALWAYS says exactly the wrong thing to others?
For example, this fellow knows someone is probably embarrassed about their big nose so he talks on and on about big noses--and points out the other person's big nose (as if they have never looked in the mirror).  This will continue on and on until the other person just avoids him.
Better example than that, same guy is trying to get his son in a private school and goes on and on about other schools and how good they are academically to the school's administration his son has applied at?  Not impressive to the Dean.
Or--and this happened recently--he starts in on how he was not asked to stand-up at a wedding for his sister's husband 25 years ago--and he does this at a family funeral!!!  25 years ago?  They have had hundreds of conversations since then...so why at the funeral that she went to at great cost and trouble just to show family loyalty?

The only thing we can figure out is that he is SO sure he will be rejected that HE is going to offend you so you WILL reject him.  
Or are we wrong?

Disclaimer:  I'm not a psychologist, and more importatnly, I don't make a psychologist's income.  

But it sounds like this individual is exhibiting a type of passive-aggressive behavior toward these people.  While on the surface it may appear to be a tactless act by someone who is just clueless, or lacking in social graces, more likely it's deliberate and comes from some type of underlying hostility.

He's telling telling these people EXACTLY what he thinks, and it's no mistake, even if it's operating from an unconscious level.  By slightly disquising his insults or rude remarks, he avoids a direct confrontation or responsibility for his actions.

The guy's an a**hole who was never taught right from wrong.

That ends the entertainment portion of this post, although deep inside there's some truth to this, IMHO.

Maybe he just has to put people down to cover his own insecurities.  One of the most important lessons taught in 12 step programs is that you never take other people's inventory.  One of the best lessons I've learned.

I'm not a psychologist either, but my brother in law is. He says that people like this are: "struggling to be appropriate".

I dont like that analysis because it lets the other person off the hook, as if they are not responsible for their own behavior.

Personally, "I" think this guy "is" passive aggressive as someone stated earlier. My mom always says: "A drunk speaks a sober mind". I agree. Some people use alcohol or narcotics abuse as an excuse to say what they are too much of a coward to say sober.

I used to (USED TO) have a friend who was a devout Christian. She'd say the most vile and rude things about someone and then say: "The only reason I told you the "truth" is because I'm a Christian". Believe me, that's not "What Jesus Would Do".

Another example is I had a friend who had a boyfriend who was so CRUEL to her verbally. He'd yell at her, scream and her and tell her she was fat and worthless and reduce her to tears on a daily basis. She asked me for advice and I told her she could stop him in his tracks with four words. Those words are: "THAT DOESNT WORK ANYMORE". I informed her to stay calm, dont cry, dont yell back, just keep repeating the words "That doesnt work anymore", (and some other advice).

So she went home to try it. A day or so later he went into his "act" and as he was yelling and screaming and agressively walking towards her she said the magic words. She said IT STOPPED HIM IN HIS TRACKS. He said: What do you mean it doesnt work anymore? And per my extensive advice she said:"The yelling and screaming, it doesnt work anymore. I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to get upset. IT DOESNT WORK ANYMORE.

He just walked away. She said he didnt say another word for two weeks. And when he started up again she knew how to stop him. she'd taken her power back. Now, the reason this worked is because I knew him too, so I knew what he would respond to. But something similar can probably stop your friend from making inapproriate comments.

I agree, I think he knows EXACTLY what he is doing and probably takes a perverse pleasure in it...even if that pleasure is unconcsious.

QUESTION: What do the other people say when he says something inappropriate? Do they say: Hey! That's not appropriate to talk about at a funeral. Do they call him on his (&%#@& or do they let it go?

If they "let it go" its like giving him permission to keep on doing it. In my circle of "associates" they tend to "talk crazy" to eachother, but NO ONE talks crazy to me! Why? Because "I'm not having it", and they know it. My mom always says:"People can only do to you what you let them do to you". I think she was right :>)

unlikeable is because he has low self-esteem.  The low self-esteem probably comes from the way his parents treated him when he was a child.  The answer is for him to find a good therapist and talk with the therapist about his parents.

the thing that has always amazed me is that everyone pretends he says nothing when he does this.  I mean, people are usually embarrassed, I assume,  as they look away BUT nobody ever says anything to him.  Ever.  Naturally, he thinks he is cute and clever and people admire him (yes, I do believe he really feels this way about himself).  
As for me, I have hit a point where I don't even want to be around him at all.  Why should I have to defend myself against nasty remarks 24/7?  Nobody is worth that amount of time EVER.  
He has no real friends--but does have a few family members--who will spend time with him.  I think they are so used to this behavior (and, yes, it comes thru the generations from what I can tell) that, maybe, to them this is normal.  I've raised my kids and don't feel I have to re-teach an adult to treat others with respect myself.  I just don't want to have any contact with him anymore at all.  And, I'm sure, I'm just one in a long line of people who have hit that point.

I don't understand the expression, "Never take other people's inventory." The vocabulary and metaphor are just a bit distant from the intent, for me to be able to decipher it without some help.

Could I get about a three-paragraph (or shorter) explanation of this aspect of the 12-step program? I understand the notions in this thread, of the man's insecurity and passive-aggression. That's not something that I'm missing. I just don't get the use of the word "inventory."

Many years ago I was involved in a 12 step program for a personal problem.  Step 4 of that program, and all 12 step programs is:

" Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

In going through the steps and the program, it became apparent to me that while it was right to take this moral inventory of myself, it was inapropriate for me to do the same for others.  In fact, this was the topic of many discussions among the members of this particular group.  In my post, I was pointing out to screammyname that, IMHO, it may be best simply to uninvolve himself from this individual, rather than be bothered by it.

There are some things in this world you can walk away from, and somtimes confrontation is not in anybody's best interest.

-- Modified on 6/23/2003 10:23:56 PM

Thanks, I get it. Why would you use the word "inventory"? That seems such a strange choice. When assessing oneself, and one's past choices, and the morality thereof, I guess there is some advantage to reducing the impact with a neutral term like "inventory" rather than a loaded term like "good" or "evil"? Or is the vocabulary chosen because of something different?

BG

As much as I would just love to write him a letter telling him what he has done to offend (probably to so many), I realize it would be wasted time.  He would deny it, and somehow manages to take NO responsibility for any of his obnoxious actions.  It is ALWAYS someone else's fault--never his!  Even to the point of making false accusations of other people ("YOU made me do this!" or whatever he uses as today's reasoning).
You got it right--and after many hours of debating this in my head--came to the same conclusion that confrontation would NOT be in anybody's best interest.  If he hasn't caught on to his offensive behavior after all these years then he likes to be like this...and he ain't about to change either!
All confrontation would do is cause ME more harrassment and nastiness from him and, I, for one, have had enough from this guy.