P4P is NOT therapy, unless of course the problem is erectile disfunction. He needs prozac, not pussy...and possibly a divorce.  

It speaks to your character as a human being that you have been dealing with this is a gentle compassionate way, and that you raise these questions.

He may not need "psychological" help or medication, but id does sound like his feelings are being inappropriately directed toward you. Why wouldn't they? We are built that way. Yes? Physical intimacy has the capacity to build a strong bond between two people. D

espite men's reputations as "dogs" when it comes to wanting many women, research has shown that males are mole likely to develop "feelings of love and attachement" for a woman through sex, that a woman is toward a man. (Strange, huh?)

However, I would suggest that it would be important for you to condsider how this will effect YOU, if it were to continue and progress in a natural course. Are you prepared to deal with a client that falls head over heels in love with you?

Falling for a provider, on it own, is not evidence of a mental imbalance. However it does show a problem with boundaries. Or a least, the that his emotions are overtaking his rational thought.

You would be the best judge of how far you think this might go, if left unchecked. But from what you describe so far, it sounds like you may have some decisions to make.



HalfHour

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For example, stalking, or being overly demanding of your time, or asking you too many details about your private life, etc.

But what I hear from you is that you are uncomfortable with the situation, and that  speaks volumes to me that you ought to tell him that you can't see him any longer.  Perhaps you know of someone who is a bit more crusty and can handle a weeping Willy like him.  Since you are admittedly new at all this, this kind of client is just not right for you.

As for therapy, well, who doesn't need some now and then?  I freely admit that escorts do provide a form of therapy for me; what of it?

By the way, the fact that you recognize a problem here and come to a board like this for advice speaks volumes about your maturity and likihood of success at this.  That's impressive.

That's an interesting  thought; never really considered that before.

I have never interacted with other hobbyists (that I know of) outside of discussion boards, which makes me reluctant to draw any  personal conclusions about why or how they hobby. So anyone's perspective on that matter is likely better than mine.

For myself, I can say why and how I hobby is specific and 'compartmentalized' , if you will, from the rest of my life. It serves to fulfill needs or desires ina way that makes the most sense for me and my situation.

When I see a provider, "it is what it is" and nothing more.

I be very interested to know what ANYONE  thinks about your premise!



HalfHour

This was a good post.

(Bad posts are always too long, on the other hand.)

Honestly on some days I feel more like a therapist than a sex worker.

I have several regular clients who I see monthly, bi-monthly or weekly who visit specifically to express themselves through intimate affection- hugging, hand-holding, touching, kissing, cuddling, just being held etc.  They're going through or have gone through difficult episodes in their marriages, are pre-divorce or post-divorce.  Some of them feel so incredibly lonely in their own homes with their partners and they're simply living the quintessential "keeping it together for the kids" or "cheaper to keep her" marriages that they feel trapped in.

Now I often jokingly lament being the "Miss Congeniality of hos"- a provider who is often booked specifically for conversation v. bang bang bang the drum sessions but as I go on, I am beginning to treasure the clients who allow me to temporarily fulfill this role in their lives.  

It takes an unbelievable amount of trust for someone to show the vulnerability that you are witnessing.  

If you are a woman who shows vulnerability yourself or you are emotionally intuitive, receptive and capable giving real intimacy with your clients you're just going to pick these sorts of clients up along the way.  

You have to determine your comfort level and decide whether or not you want to keep them.

Does he need psychological help?  Probably- most of us do need to talk things out formally with a therapist from time to time.  But the service that you provide is a therapy too and really, the most basic one - two people, one on one sharing a physical and mental connection.

So long as he does not become obsessive, a stalker or emotionally abusive I would say it is not an unsafe attachment.

It appears that you've set your own boundaries already though; you said its not your duty to provide personal intimacy- if you feel that you're crossing your professional boundaries then make him aware that you are uncomfortable and that you cannot continue.  To appear uncomfortable is not the same as verbalizing your expectations and limits with him- you have to let him know what is okay and what isn't.

I have a client (married) who has been seeing me for the past couple of months.  No prob.  But, with each encounter, i noticed him becoming a little too..  umm..  what's the word here..  comfortable (?) with my  presence.  Meaning, he looks at me with 'love' in his eyes.  as it is my duty to provide him w/ a relaxing, comfortable environment, it is not my duty to double as his source of personal intimacy.

ok..  let's try and reword this.  maybe more detail will help clarify.  he has a very submissive quality in his testosterone.  some men are like that -- the kind that worship the ground a woman walks on.  his wife is a balls to the wall type..  and i highly suspect he answers every question, response or comment with a 'yes dear'.  he's absolutely miserable.  now, initially, his reason for seeing me was for play..  but, now it's turned into him wanting romance, a connection and intimacy.  ie: can i just lay here and hold you tight in my arms while i whisper how much i love you in your ear?  (slightly exaggerated, but you get the drift).

obviously, he is missing something at home, but i feel like he is getting entirely too attached.  everytime i see him, he looks depressed and on the border of crying a river.  i finally tell him that i can see he's very unhappy, but softly tell him that i cannot be a replacement for his wife.  i tell him he needs to find a way to release stress from his homelife and he tells me, i am his release.  but, in the same sense, i feel he is developing an unhealthy attachment to me.  he even pleads w/ me, on spuratic and random occasions, 'PLEASE, PLEASEEEE don't cut me off, Erin.'

So, the question is -- does this man need psychological help for his depression or is P4P a good enough form of therapy for him?  and is this an unsafe attachment for me to be involved in?

Erin (the new girl)

The lovey dovey stuff would be fine if you were comfortable with it but you don't seem to want to provide that type of service so it's a problem. The begging not to be cut off indicates that he's somewhat aware of your discomfort (you write that you've tried to set some boundries) and seems like more of an attempt to get you to provide services that you don't wish to provide. Dangerous? - unknown. Wants some heavy emotiona D&S with his sex? sloppy but not uncommon. Therapy? - not as described.  Perhaps you don't wished to be used in ways that are disagreeable to you, so good luck resolving the situation.

Isn't that almost the definition of hobbyists?  I don't think it's a huge stretch that most guys are searching for something through the hobby.  Maybe it's just getting some strange, or someone that will be a counselor for an evening, or the delusion that they'll live happily ever after.  In any event, it's not her problem why he's there, so long as he doesn't creep her out.

As long as he keeps THE LOVE SESSION in YOUR POCKET, I would want to hope that after a while they all may become......A Little Too Attached........hehehehehehehe.....Hobbyists have there reasons for being in the life, as do providers. If loving you is the fantasy, girl let him have it.......

is to provide the illusion of intimacy...  but all must remember that it is a tempporary illusion.  There is a sub-set of clients...  I number myself among them...  who may become emotionally attached to the delightful ladies we see.   Many ladies are very cautious...  will not say certain words, like the L word, which would be a lie.  By the same token, a client who uses the L word, directed to a provider has crossed the line.  
This client, seems to be consious of the illusion but is carrying it very far.  Role playing as it were.   He's aware that he is pushing the limits with this role (when he begged you not to stop seeing him).  

Personally, I think he needs professional help dealing with what ever his personal demons are.   You have no power to force him to do so, though you could encourage it.  ALL clients are temporary!  Eventually, they'll all do what they must & fade away.   The question is only a matter of "when."  

You must be very careful not to lead him on...  knowing that at some point it must end.   It's easy for me to say but I think you should, as the professional here, control the situation.   Really you should distance yourself from him.   If he melts down, or goes to counciling & ends up leaving, or wifee decides he's cheating or checks his phone & follows & you are outted or increases his attachment to you...  all lead to troubles for you.  Hard to turn your back on a paying customer, but the risks of entanglement increase.  Breaking it off has risks too...  but it's time for him to find someone else.

You are a decent person & you care about him...  but you must look out for your own interests.  His problems could create a real risk for you.  Be careful,
skb

The fact that he gets whacked at the prospect of you not seeing him is enough to cause concern in my mind. More importantly that you are uncomfortable with the status of things.

Your call, but I say he either needs to move on and get help, or if you want to continue the relationship, he needs to get help outside of your P4P relationship. I'm not saying either of you shouldn't ever care if the other walked, but both of you should be able to walk at a moments notice, if need be.

Personally, I think it would be too hard (for him, and maybe you) to continue seeing him as he seeks outside help. Also less motivation for him.

I am not saying he needs drugs, but he does needs some kind of counseling about his situation, and probably some therapy too. After all, despite the status of his spouse, he did choose her and is likely to repeat this pattern in all relationships (it's what people do) until he gets some help.

It's human nature to develop feelings and even deep emotional attachments when we're
intimate with one another, especially over a period of time and with repetition.

With a regular client, one's comfort level increases and the dynamic of the relationship
becomes more complex. Feelings of friendship, greater intimacy and "love" may develop.

The fantasy for the moment has become a "real" experience and due to his unhappiness (I suspect)
he may be spending an inordinate amount of time imagining life with you...Hence his
proclaimations of love and such.

It is important for you to remind him that although you truly enjoy his company, there is
no hope for this love to be requited and to bring him back to reality.

When a client expresses his love for me, I playfully remind him that what he's feeling is
"just lust, not love" as I believe love develops over time and with respect for the reality
of each individual. Many people "love" the idea they have of someone as opposed to actually
loving the true and real person the individual is and what that person is growing into or can
become.

However, to stay on the subject of your post:

You have several options.

You can cut him off entirely. Not the best solution given the limited details you shared and
definitely not the professional solution, yet- if ever, but still an option.

You can take a vacation (from him, your area,etc) or tour (so as to continue working but not
available to him)

You can have a talk with him and let him know you're concerned that he is getting attached.

These are just a few that I could think of...

And I would like to share my own story, maybe it will help?

I had a wonderful client, who unfortunately has passed away, but he taught me how to handle
this situation. He expressed feelings of love and I didn't know how to handle it at first. I
enjoyed seeing him, but I was uncomfortable when he told me he loved me. At first, I told him it
was just lust (that's where I came up with that!) and then, as he continued, I told him
not to say that, I didn't like that, I wasn't going to be able to say I love him back, etc.

His feelings were hurt, I didn't see him for some time, but eventually, he wanted to see me
again, so he and I developed an understanding. He really wanted to love some one and wanted to express those feelings and was accepting of the fact that I would not love him the same way he loved me, but, as I mentioned before, emotional attachments grow over time and with respect and I cared for him too, but I didn't think it was a good idea to tell him as often as he told me he loved me. He did understand though, that I did care.

He could respect my position and was able to express his love and it didn't bother me like it
did at first. I still miss him and think of him at times because we knew each other for almost
2 years before he died (lung cancer) and I considered him a dear friend and someone I could
count on, not just as income, but if I ever needed anything, he would have been there. I didn't
ever ask for anything except his CARS CD and every time I hear "Heartbeat City" I think of
how much fun I had dancing for him to that song...

I guess the moral to the story is to communicate and hopefully your P4P relationship will
benefit both you and him...It takes extra work and sometimes you can't be sweet or sugarcoat
the lessons/rules. I felt like an outright bitch and the bearer of the cold hard truth at times...
but if I didn't tell it straight, I would have been outright lying to him and deceiving both of us, and that's
not acceptable, at least for me.

Good luck and sorry my post is so long (thanks to those who read it ALL)

xxx
Jinni

my intention was to respond in a timely manner, but i admit to my bed calling my name.  excuse the late replies.  ok..  here goes..  i'll apologize now for this being so long w/ all the quotes, but the best way to address the advice efficiently..

LOL!not, neccessarily that i'm not willing to provide it.  my comfortability level depends on the client.  several factors come into play, including how long someone has been seeing me.  i do, however, have a hard time allowing myself to get too comfortable w/ him b/c of his attachment.  it's so hard to explain in words -- he's borderline obsessive, but not aggressive about it.i am absolutely taking this as a compliment.  it has happened before and always dealt with in a tender matter, but there is reservation on my behalf whether it would be a healthy love.  almost as in, i would be scared to reject him due to him commiting suicide. (a little overly dramatic again.)i completely agree..  i have no problem being a 16 yr old Catholic school girl as long as when that person leaves they recognize it was a fantasy.  i don't think this gentleman is recognizing the difference between relality and fantasy -- i don't think i'm that good!  lol.now, you see my dilemma.  LOL!  i do have clients like this and i enjoy them thoroughly.  but, what do you do when you have a client whom you believes mental stability is at stake?  1 of 2 things can happen -- he can either go ballistic on me w/ a chance of violence or unwanted advances, stalking, etc..  or he can hurt himself and send me on a lifetime trip of guilt!  (even though i shouldn't feel guilty..  can't help it.  it's in my nature.)  i don't really see him walking away - unharmed or hulked out.  i really don't wanna take the risk of it turning out negatively when i already am starting to see red flags in him.  ya know?i don't think he is conscious, though.  i know ya'll are gonna look at me crazy, but i sometimes charge what i call a 'nuisance fee'.  funny, i know.  the clients that are pestering me, all on the verge to be banned from me and my love (and know it), all beg to continue seeing me and not be cut off..  so, my response is -- the only way you can continue to see me is if you pay the 'nuisance fee' for me having to put up with your antics.  which is typically a 50% inflation on price.  (hahaha!)  he's paying that fee cause he calls 10x's a day just to ask how my day is or to conversate and then the many boundaries that he crosses and has to be reprimanded for.this is of course my worst case scenario, but extremely possible and very likely to happen.  she has confronted him before w/ believing he is cheating (of course no clue about him being a hobbyist) and he comes running to me the next morning.  i'm thinking, 'ARE YOU MAD?  You gotta go, Mr!"oh goodness, i'm sorry i gave you the wrong impression.  i am not new to this buisness, just new to the discussion boards.  i was directed here when i was told 'congrats' on a review that was done on me.  admittedly, i don't like reviews, good or bad cause they leave a paper trail on me.  =)  and thank you very much for the compliment, mr. fisher. i am extrememly flattered.i am in complete and total agreeance with everything that you have said and i believe in handling the situation in the same tone.  unfortunately for me, i don't think he accepts that i will never feel the same way as him.  i am quite fond of him, but b/c of his actions, i stay distanced for fear of what consequences it may develop.  how do you convince a man that is already convinced wrongly?

Quoting my mentor DC, he often talked about how guys that hobby hate rules.  The very nature of what they (we) do is breaking rules.  Married guys fucking around on their wives, married/single guys breaking local prostitution laws to get a nut.  It's not a value judgement, as much as it's reality...hobbyists don't like rules.  It doesn't make us evil per se, but it's something to keep in mind.  I don't want to have sex with my little sister, but your little sister is an entirely different thing!  lol

good advice..  unfortunately, i can't seem to figure out the approach.  how do you convince a man that is already convinced in falsehood?  i feel like no matter what i say, he is convinced that we're gonna be together at some point if he keeps coming around and if i take a more firm approach, i'm concerned he might try to hurt himself..  lastly, if i stop seeing him, the concern is he might turn into 'fatal attraction'.

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It sounds like you;re not really in danger of forming attachments but he sure is.

If he is one of the fairly rare men who can form a caring relationship without becoming too attached, what you're describing can be very rewarding- as long as you maintain you;re ability to do so, as well.

If he's the kind of guy who is going to divorce his wife because he thinks you two 'have a chance', then Danger Will Robinson.

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Dear Erin:
I am wondering could you see yourself as a platonic friend to this person if you met him in the civilian world? Although you are younger than him, could you see yourself trying to navigate him in the right direction so that he can receive some help? With that said I think you should meet him in a neutral site to set and reiterate the boundaries of your relationship? This really would be a good time for that so that you won't mislead him and so that you don't become imprisoned in the relationship itself.  The sooner that you set the boundaries and if necessary cut bait the happier you will professionally and personally.  Although you have lost a good client in the economic sense, you will at least gave yourself some sanity in other critical areas of your life. With respect to your title it is much more than sex with him. Evidently, he doesn't have anyone that he can confide in to discuss these sensitive issues and it seems to be a dictatorship at home that is getting ready to detonate at anytime with his wife.  That is a lot to handle considering that you would be considerably younger than your client.