Those of you who are tired of reading posts about hapless guys who fall in love with providers should probably stop reading now -- but if there are other board posties with words of wisdom –- or just willing to listen while I finally say this “out loud,” thanks for reading on.

I am now officially one of those guys. I’ve been seeing her as often as I can afford for seven months – usually 3-4 times a month for multiple hours plus some Saturday excursions and one overnight. I know it can’t go anywhere – for several reasons, including my wife and two young kids whom I also love.  But I really do love this woman in a way I’ve never experienced before.  I’ve told her things about myself I didn’t even know I felt or knew. The intimacy is way beyond the physical, though obviously that’s how it started and that certainly remains important and wonderful.  

She doesn’t seem to be upset by the way I feel and says I’ve become much more than a client to her. While she’s more cautious than I am with her feelings and words, she says and does lots of things that make me think the feeling is somewhat mutual, if not equal in intensity. She doesn't use the L-word, but she keeps suggesting off-the-clock time and the overnight (at the cost of a two-hour session) was her idea.  And she just laughs when I tell her I know I’m selfish to want it all – a comfortable life at home with the family plus frequent escapes to her whole different world. She doesn’t have an SO in her life right now but acts like that she's happy that way. She's a few years older than I am but in many ways much wiser

So what’s the problem? (other than that I can’t keep balancing and paying for this way of life forever). Well, the problem is me, of course.

For one thing, I’ve become obsessed with trying to figure out whether she really does have feelings for me. I know that she’s very good at what she does – and that means making every man she’s with think he is someone special.

And so I keep wondering what’s genuine and what’s just part of her work. Even with the time off-the-clock, I know I'm a significant source of income for her, and I can’t help wondering if the way she's acting is all part of this game, at which I’m still a relatively newbie (less than a year).

When I’m with her, I trust and believe everything she says and does, but when we’re apart, these doubts take over and I remember this is all supposed to be about the money. I end up just trying harder to make her fall in love with me, while devising silly “tests” and reading tea leaves to try to figure out how she really feels (none of which work, of course.)

So the problem is that I’m driving myself crazy.

Well… I guess it's a simple story and hardly original.  I don’t know if anyone can offer any advice (other than telling me I should never have gotten into this situation, which I know), but I guess I needed to tell someone about it and you guys (except for a few) are pretty good listeners.


-- Modified on 2/8/2004 5:19:40 PM

I have a simple question: are you willing to leave your wife, get a divorce, and try to make a life with this woman?

If not, you should simply go cold turkey and stop seeing her. All you're doing is making yourself miserable.

If yes, then you need to lay it on the line with her and see what she says. If she feels about you the way you do about her, and you both are ready to commit, and you both are ready to endure the "stuff" that you must endure to make it happen, then you need to start the journey.

This is hard stuff. Good luck.

then give it a rest for a while.

Not an escort, (I was fbsm) but I can tell you when I was a dancer I had a very good client who would spend about $300 a week on me, every week. This went on for a few months. I agreed to dance privately for him in a hotel room for $200. That went fine (just dancing believe it or not). The second time (same fee) I let him perform DATY which let to sex. Well we just clicked and that was the very LAST time I charged him money for anything (other than taking me to dinner, etc) and he started getting booty calls at 3am when I got home from working at the club. He immediately became a boyfriend and not a source of income. There were other men who could be a source of income and I gave that spot to them.

Well, after a few years of dating and/or living together, this man is now my husband and we have two children.

Now I've had clients I loved to spend time with off the clock, movies and dinner, phone calls. People I genuinely cared about. But as far as anything sexual, no. I have one old client I haven't spoke to since 2001 but I think about him at least a few times a week and still miss him very much as a friend. It's possible she cares about you very much. But is she worth jeopardizing your family? I don't know.

I guess I'm just sharing my experience. I don't know how it works with escorts. Maybe they act differently in this situation. But if I were this woman and I were in love with you (or nearly so) I would not continue to take your money and I would be honest and open about my feelings.

I wish you luck.

Tell her that you love her are considering leaving your wife and kids for her.  If the relationship is only business she will draw the line and tell you that you have mistaken her actions.  If it is something other than business, then your have a problem that I am glad that I do not have.  The best that you can hope for in the second case is that she is willing to be a "mistress", if not, then your two lives are going to collide soon.

Jzy ...

You seem to have it somwhat under control.   At least you understand all the dynamics, which puts you way ahead of many in your position.   There are no EASY answers, but some logical ones.

1) Step back a bit - take some time off from her and the hobby.  See how things change in your mind.   See if you think about being with her ... versus .. wondering who she's seeing in your place.  Ofetn jealousy is easier to deal with than longing.

2) Maybe set some time/money limits in your mind.  Set aside ONE appointment a month and NO MORE.   Work on getting your mind around the budget (time and money) as a way to remove the focus from the feelings.

3) Seeing another provider (not random, but one carefully selected) won't replace her in your heart .. but it might put things in better perspective.   That it's the ACT ... and not one girl.  Again, it changes the focus a bit.

4) Now this one's the best of the bunch .. but it's also the worst:   Make the hard decision and live with the consequences.  More often than not, I see that the people who aren't willing to make the hard decision and live with the consequences don't GET the happiness they seek.   If what this girl means to you is really that important ... do what you have to do.

Sound silly?   Think about what you'd have to do the get the happiness you seek ... think through all the ramifications to you, to her, to everyone in your life .... think through all possible outcomes .... AND ... what you might find is ... it puts the feelings (and the girl) in a context you didn't see before.  Maybe it will change things in your mind JUST ENOUGH that you CAN get a handle on it.

It's not an enviable position, JZY, but if it helps, you've joined a really big club and we have really cool T-shirts.

You are a very selfish man.  Think of your wife and two young kids before doing anything foolish.

You said twice "I'm driving me crazy."

As someone in another post quoted:

"We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them." Kahlil Gibran.

Something within you wants the craziness. The excitement. The stimulus. You are choosing this.

If you don't want those feelings, find out what within you causes you to want the craziness and get rid of it.

If you find the craziness enjoyable, continue on, but be ready for the letdown when it ends.

Go to a couples therapist with the provider. Don't worry, it's confidential. On the clock. spendy, but you may be illuminated. (And she may be too).

Warm regards,

TET

Learn to read.

Why don't you just cut back the amount of time and money you spend on her to, for example, only once a month.  This way, you can still see her, yet it (hopefully) won't affect you life with your family.  Maybe this will keep you from "going crazy" and also keep your finances in check.

Either way, good luck.

Everything in life has a cost.  However in this case it's not clear to me that what you potentially want to "buy" is even available.  If you really felt this woman was the answer to all your prayers and would bring you eternal happiness, then at the very least the cost would be divorcing your wife, having your children grow up in a "broken family", and let's face it, if it ever got out, a fair amount of humiliation over the fact you left your wife for a provider.  That's a pretty stiff price to pay, even for eternal happiness.

Of course you don't even know to what degree this woman is feels the same about you.  Would she be willing to give up her day job (can you support her and your ex and your kids)?  Will this ever lead to anything more serious?

If you do the "math" that's a pretty thin premise on which to risk your marriage and future relationship with your kids.

Yes you may experience an emotional connection with this woman you have never experienced with your wife, but how many ways do you connect with your wife that you don't connect with this woman?  You can't have both, and three years from now you may be bemoaning the fact the new woman doesn't really "understand" you, doesn't appreciate your job, whatever.

And finally… deep down inside you already know all this.  You know it's not likely to work out, you know you have an obligation to your wife and especially your kids, and you know that the longer this goes on the harder it will be to break it off and the greater the risk that you will slip up and be discovered.  And then it WILL be TOO LATE.

Break it off dude.  And if you're lucky enough to still be in love with your wife, put the energy you’re currently devoting to sneaking around into making her happy.

I guess that's about 8 cents worth... but you asked.

very strong feelings for your provider friend. Here's the first question: did you ever have these same feelings for your wife? Think back to when you were first starting to date and get to know one another. Think about that time period in the relationship where the two of you were beginning to think about having sex. If the answer is yes then what you're experiencing isn't completely novel for you. But maybe this is the first time in a very long while that you have felt this way.

One of the things that is different about your relationship with this other woman is that the question about will she (and when will she) have sex with you doesn't exist. You've already crossed that threshold. The whole sexual tension part of learning about another person isn't there and you're free to concentrate on discovering this woman's personality, likes and dislikes, and little quirks without the little head getting in the way. You know you can be intimate with her just about anytime you want. That frees you up on many levels.

How would you feel about spending the next six months _not_ having sex with your provider friend and instead spending weekends and overnights getting to know her, and her you? Doing so would probably help you figure out whether you're addicted to her, or her body.

Before you do anything else, you need to find out how this other woman _really_ feels about you. You cannot make someone fall in love with you. Either she will or she will not. Testing her and trying to read her intentions will only fail and make you miserable. If she doesn't have feelings for you _right now_ then you've probably got all the answer you need. Promises of feelings in the future if things go a certain way are worthless.

Assuming this woman has feelings for you, the second question you need to ask is: are you willing to give up your current life for...... what???? Is this woman worth putting yourself, your spouse, and your kids through a divorce? There's no guarantee that, once you're divorced, a relationship with this other woman will even work out. Then where are you?

If you and your wife are miserable with each other then there's really no point in continuing the relationship. It's probably not a healthy situation for your children either. But if you two have a good relationship then what you're really talking about is an exercise in risk management. What are the risks, say 5-6 years from now, that your life will be better/more enjoyable than it is now? I don't know how old you are, but if you're somewhere in the 35-45 age range, you may be staring right into the face of a mid-life crisis.

One last thing: if you're willing to go through a divorce for this woman, you'd probably go through another one in the future and it will be easier, emotionally, than the first. Men have a long history of leaving a spouse for a younger/prettier/thinner woman. Wash, rinse, repeat. Your position is hardly unique.

If I were in your shoes, I'd consider talking to some sort of counsellor. You've got to figure out how you feel about yourself, your life, your relationship with your wife and kids, and a bunch of other stuff. You have to get right with yourself. You seem confused, relationship-wise, and an outside opinion would probably be helpful.

  Your wife comes home and tells you she fell in love with a male escort she has been seeing for a while and now she wants to leave you.  Be completely honest and ask  yourself how you would feel if you even found out she was spending this much money on someone else, let alone falling in love with him??
  Oh and you will have to explain to the kids why you and mommy are not together anymore.  Doesn't feel too good the other way around does it??  
  I'm not married so what the hell do I know??  Not trying to be a smartass but for just a minute have a taste of your own medecine and then you will also have your answer as well.    

Son, you are in love with a provider who is decent, humane, and understanding. In most cases, someone like you will be taken advantage of financially, and emotionally tortured.

Continue seeing her till the infatuation and limmerence wears out.  Then, you walk away gently from this episode.  If indeed, it lasted beyond one year, then you are truly in love, and come back here for more advice!

If you're a good client and a significant source of income, it makes good business sense for the girl to give you an occasional discount, or dinner off the clock, or suggest a 4 hour visit for the price of 2.

However, if she truly has deep feelings for you, she will eventually stop taking money from you, because she will perceive you as a "boyfriend" rather than a client. She will initiate get-togethers and phone calls without hope of monetary gain.

From what you posted, I don't get the sense that she is in love with you, but I'm sure she is very fond of you and enjoys your company.

Can you settle for that--a very pleasant sexual friendship without her being in love with you? Will you be able to tolerate it if she does in time find a civilian guy she loves (since most providers do have SO's at some point).

If you continue to be tortured by feelings of unrequited love (and jealousy of a future boyfriend), obviously that's not good for you emotionally. Then you should back away for awhile until the strong feelings subside and a clearer perspective arises.

Good luck!

c) work like hell at a job which pays a salary that allows you to afford the extremely expensive predicament in which you find yourself.

Here you have it expressed clearly by a provider.  Read it and understand it, guys.

sexxygirrl, you are a person of integrity.  Please continue with posts like this.

Marc Almond wrote a song.  Looking for love (in All the Wrong Places).. Many artists have covered it.

Keep on looking now
You gotta keep on looking now
Keep on looking now

You're looking for love
In all the wrong places

Where your walk it's always shadow
Conversation always shallow
When they talk they never look you in the eye
They look over your shoulder
To faces even colder
And you feel a little older
Every time

You're looking for love
In all the wrong places

When you're looking for reaction
When you're searching for direction
When you're scared of rejection
Or attack
You need the warmth of loving
When you're growing tired of seeing
A colourless reflection
Looking back

You're looking for love
In all the wrong places

Something real to fill those little empty spaces
So you're looking for love in all the wrong places

You need understanding
You need a home
All those people so alone
You need understanding
You need a home
All those people so alone

You're looking for love
In all the wrong places
You're looking for love
In all the wrong places

You better keep on looking now!

And so the evening shade will fall
Where nameless voices call and call
And think of all the friends you made
While you toast with Prozac and lemonade

You can hold me under septic skies
(You can dream to your own places)
Watch the sun set in my eyes
(You can't seem to put)
Could this be the time to die?
(A name to all the faces)
The wind upon your face
(Something real)
Your lips upon my lips
Like urban velvet
(To fill those little empty spaces)

So you're looking for love in all the wrong places
You keep on looking for love in all the wrong places

Dream and take away the tears
(Keep on looking now)
Drift on to where your heart is numb
(You gotta keep on looking now)
It's lovely there where love becomes
A drug to fill your need
Just believe in you!
And learn to love yourself
Before anyone else

TET

There are many men waiting in line to be a source of income, whether you are a dancer, massage girl or escort. Sure, it takes some work to get a "regular" like you - but there is ALWAYS another guy coming along who is a source of income.

But not just anyone can be a boyfriend, a lover, a husband. If she thought of you that way she wouldn't charge you for her time. This might take a little while for this shift to take place, but it should happen - if she loves you.

I agree with sexxygirrl. She probably is very fond of you and enjoys your company. But in love? I'm not getting that sense from your post.

And she must be good at it because she is making you feel that special. But, I'm sorry - she's not in love with you. Feelings of love should be reciprocal. If she did have that loving feeling she wouldn't be charging you a fee at all. Sounds to me like you've headed down a one way street in the wrong direction but you still have time to turn around. My advice - start seeing other providers or just take a timeout for however long it takes to put this emotional attachment aside. Good luck.

Thanks everyone (well, maybe everyone but Wood Yi). It never ceases to amaze me what a caring group of people populate this board -- I really appreciate the support. You've given me a lot to think about, but I have a feeling that Some Nerd hit the nail on the head when he said, "Break it off, Dude."

Everywhere we go in America people will serve us and aplaud us for dollars , all doors and hearts are open for money .
You are human being , basic princip of humans is to love their kids . Two young kids and little eyes are most beautiful on world , no provider can hug or kiss like son or daughter .
If you are caught from wife you will loose kids and ruin your life because life wothout kids is hell .
Money that you spend on girl is better if you put on savings for kids , so they dont have to work for somebody and take crap from anyone .
That is greatest pleasure in life , think about people who cant have kids .
And when you kiss kids think about herpes and std  .

take your wife for a long weekend. then you should think about all the things that you will be missing with her. she has been there for you and the mother of your kids. try talking to her. dear i think you are getting into something that is going to hurt alot of poeple, you need to get out while you can.. please becareful and don't hurt the ones you love.

jzman22,

    Well you said it when you said you were in this hobby less  than one year.  What made up take up this hobby to begin with?  You need to examine that before considering your option of either divorce or going bankrupt from seeing her.  If you had won the lotto, would it make you any happier?  The money would be known to your wife, and she would get suspicious when she sees regular withdrawls and you have nothing to show for it.  Take it like a man and just notch one up to this hobby and cut back your time on seeing her.  Cold turkey would help, but likely your feelings for her would prevent that from happening.  Think with the head atop your shoulders before doing anything which you would regret later.  Child support is not cheap, nor is the fact of leaving your wife for a provider.  
    Is she the first provider whom you saw and was smittened by her beauty, and caring ways?  If so, it sounds like puppy love and with time would grow and come to nothing.  Ask her outright if she loves you or your wallet.  It may hurt to ask, but it will be better down the road for you I am sure.  To not ask is to invite the nagging question in the back of your head, 'what if I had....'  Carpe diem.  And if the answer turns out she does love you, then it is a whole other can of worms which is opened up.

    You say you love your wife and kids, HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE THEM?  When your kids grow up, they would find the reason why you and mommie got a divorce, how would you explain it to them?  Also how are you going to tell your wife?  Parents?  

    Best thing to do is take some time off and spend it with the family.  You never know, maybe you just need time with your family to put your views in perspective.  This hobby is meant as a distraction, and not a spring board to another life.  Some people I admit do find happiness and even marry providers, but first off they do not have a family already whom they love.  Second, you are just a newbie.  
Third, if my argument doesn't persuade you to slow it down, your wife sooner or later will find out, what will you tell her then?

Neutrogena