Just a warning.  If you can't put up with guys acting like a wuss, please disregard this post.

Due to the circumstances of my childhood and adolesence, I've grown up to be a very humble person.  Quiet and shy, but perceived as a really nice guy.  However, I suffer from insecurity and a fear of rejection.  Despite my soft-spoken nature, I'm pretty popular and well-liked.

Have I ever had a girlfriend?  Nope.  Just really good female friends who may or may not have been waiting for me to make some kind of move.

I was of course a virgin.  However, I'm a very horny guy.  No one could suspect since I appear so innocent and nice that I've always been fascinated by sex.  When I saw scantily clad hookers in movies, I always wondered in the back of my mind where I could encounter one.  I remember there was a Beavis & Butthead episode where a female cop pretends to be a hooker, and somehow that episode really turned me on.

I reached a breaking point.

While in Japan where massage parlors are prevalent with signs out in plain view, I decided I would try it.  After heartpounding anxiety, I entered, paid the old man at the counter a fee and was met by a pretty girl ten minutes later.  Well, turns out, it was just a CBJ place.  But that was my first sexual experience.

When I came back to USA, I wanted to try something more.  But I was scared.  I did not want to be busted, go to jail, accidently fuck a man, etc.  Those specials on HBO that put a spotlight on hookers in Las Vegas and Atlantic City really intrigued me.  Especially one special about some ranch in Nevada.  I seriously considered saving up thousands of bucks to go check it out.

I would look through Eros dot com and wonder if all this could be real.  How could something like this exist?  But like I said, I was scared to ever try.

One day, I came upon an article from some New York magazine about the rise and fall of a "pimp" who was running an agency and had one of the "hottest" girls who saw the likes of a famous NFL quarterback who had just won a Super Bowl.  But there was one excerpt that really caught my eye.  

It talked about how she scored 10's regularly on theeroticreview.com.  

So I visited.  Looked around.  Compared the girls on Eros dot com to the ratings on the site.  But I still wasn't sure.

So I paid for a membership.  Read the details.  ..could all this be real?  I still didn't know.. I started to wonder.. Should I?  Shouldn't I?

I should.  

I was so scared, but I found an agency that seemed to be popular and well-reviewed and I made a call.  Somehow, it was so easy.  The person on the other end picked up the phone, told me to wait, then called me back and asked me which girl and what time.

I had picked a girl of the same race as me.

She had just arrived and had no reviews, and people on the discussion boards would eventually ask for her information.  Despite an extended thread, no one had any info, and I never bothered to fill them in.  This led me to believe I was the first person she saw.

My heart was pounding so hard.  I expected to be busted at any moment by undercover police.  When I knocked on the door, and it opened, there was no one there.  I stepped in, wondering if an officer would jump out and handcuff me.

But then the door closed, and standing there was one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen.  Needless to say, I was still very nervous, and being my first time, didn't last too long at all.  I didn't even bring an envelope, I just threw the money on the dresser.  

After the session was over, I left, feeling very emotionally attached to the provider.  Too bad she left that same week and I would never see her ever again.  

But I now knew what sex felt like.  All two minutes.

Six months passed.  Then the urge came back.  

So once again, I visited the same agency to visit a girl of the same race.  Once again I was nervous.  This time, though, the girl seemed to genuinely enjoy my presence.  Maybe it was because she couldn't speak English very well and was happy to finally be able to talk to someone.  Maybe she was a good actress.

We talked and she told me her real name voluntarily.  I was touched.  To me, it felt like by her telling me her name, she trusted me.  

Before getting dressed, she kissed me on the cheek.  In my shyness, I did nothing. She took my face with her hand, forced my head to turn around, and kissed me on the lips.  I saw her once more, and then she, too, was gone.

I then realized I didn't just enjoy the sex.  It was also the companionship.  Without ever having a girlfriend, this girl had filled a lonely void in my life.

Another month went by and I graduated college and received some money from relatives.  Then I went on a spending spree, visiting a handful of girls within the span of two weeks.  This time I even ventured outside my own race, and realized how mechanical these session could be.

The next week, I returned to the agency to see another girl.  I figured I would have the advantage because she might be be happy there would be no communication barrier.

The girl I saw was a real sweetheart.  She snuggled in my arms, hugged me a lot, laughed a lot, told me stories and so on.  Then it was time for me to go.  Before I left, she also decided to divulge her real name to me.
 
So I've been seeing her very often since.  One time, she asked me for my phone number which I gave.  I did not ask her for hers, yet another reminder of what a wuss I am.  I'm afraid she might say "no".   She never did call.  But I continued to see her and we even ate dinner together after a session.

Unfortunately, I know for a fact she will stop working at the end of the month.  I will try my best to visit before she leaves, but I really don't know if I will ever see her again after that.  She has my phone number, so maybe if she calls me.. But somehow I get the feeling she won't.  Soon she will leave and I will once again have a lonely void.


So how has my life been changed?

Having never had a real girlfriend, I don't think I ever will.

A female co-worker this past weekend asked me to come in after I drove her home from a night of drinking.  I said I was gonna go home and sleep.  Would I have gotten sex?  It never crossed my mind until the next day, and oddly enough I didn't care.

Meanwhile, I wonder who exactly goes to see these providers.  I look around and realize it could be almost any guy.  It could be the real nice guy sitting over there, or it could be that fat jerk standing next to me.  No way for me to know.

I lead a ridiculous double life.  One life, I just told you about.  The other life, people consider me to be so innocent and pure.  They ask me, "Why don't you get a girlfriend?".  I just smile and shrug.  

I'll probably lead a lie for the rest of my life.  I don't know if I'll ever completely accept it, but..

There's no turning back now.

For better or for worse.

and please keep an open mind as to having a civie girlfriend. I think everyone should experience real relationships outside this business. But in the meantime, I'll see you baby. Wink!

Hugs,
Ciara

There are a lot more of us like you on this board than you would think.  
2strk

You don't say your age, but emotionally, when it comes to women, I'd say you're about 18.  I don't mean that as insult.  What I mean is you are going through the same thoughts and fears that every guy goes through while growing up.  Unfortunately by staying on the side lines you've become developmentally stuck in that mind set.

Dating and falling in love unleashes some very potent body chemistry that, speaking for myself, you just have to live through to learn how to deal with. It's similar to learning to drive on the freeway.  At first you're terrified by the speed of cars and the prospect you might get in an accident.  A couple months later and you get acclimated to the speed and cars and you can't remember what the fuss was about.  I sometimes laugh to myself when I recall how broken hearted I was as a 16 year old when the girl I liked went out with my friend. (Oh the betrayal!)

I don't see any reason why you can't have a real girlfriend.  If it's the fear of rejection holding you back then all I can say is you are really blowing it out of proportion in your mind.  The worse a woman can say is "no".  So what?  Just think to yourself "It's her loss" and move on.  You've already overcame your fear of calling a provider, surely you can muster the courage to ask a woman out on a date.

The guys on this board see providers for a lot of different reasons, but I don't think anyone here can honestly say that an encounter with a provider, no matter how sexy and exciting, can compete with the love and companionship of a true soul mate.

Stop holding yourself back and get out there and date a civilian.  If nothing else providers can help you build your confidence and maybe give you tips on what a girl likes.



-- Modified on 6/21/2006 12:45:52 AM

Well, that was completley uncalled for, juvenile, and rude.

Gingerbread needs a healthy shot of confidence, which is possible. You on the other hand apparently need a life in general. Stop taking your own feelings of inadequacy out on others. It only shows up your own insecurities that much more, and makes you look like an a$$ at the same time.

For my part, I would take my chances with the oringal poster long before I would put up with a jerk like you - either as a provider, or civvie.

You should never make predictions, especially about the future.

However, I will make one:

You will find a provider in the next few years who will so sweep you off your feet, and you, hers, that you will develop a wonderful long term relationship with her and be very happy.

The reason:  You seem like an awfully nice fellow, and providers are a cut above the rest of society and can recognize that, plus you will be availiable.

But maybe I am just projecting my own experience.

In any case, enjoy the crazy ride.

'I know a place that is so popular that nobody goes there anymore'....

Enjoy Ginger and keep in mind that you are not alone in your ventures...

"Should I?  Shouldn't I?"  Sounds like the TER adds... "will she" does it not!?  

hummm..... and if you are genuine, I would offer, you need to experience love.  Lust, ya got that down pat.  There is something not connecting correctly - if your description is accurate.  I would strongly urge you to get some counseling... You are missing an important part of life.

As wonderful as the women in this world are, the experiences you are having are mostly fantasy fulfillment.  Try going for real relationships.  You may be late to the dating game, but get in there and start trying.  Your provider experience gives you enough knowledge that you won't be a fool in bed when you get there.

It sounds to me like he's got it.

Maybe he just dosen't know that he's got it.

Don't think that he does... cause if genuine (and I question that) he will miss great parts of life.... I know that I can be harsh with respect to my ex.... but I gotta say, there were moments when we really clicked and acted as one...  even now - where the kids are concerned, we truly have our moments... and we are a force to be reckoned with where our kids are concerned.

But the love aspect... wow, to miss that!  I have been fortuante in that I have "fallen in love" more than once in my lifetime.  The most incredible was the first lady that I ever had sex with.  Evelynn.... there are others who on a daily basis formed my world.  They were anything but brief encounters... Why did I not marry them?  and have eternal bliss! lol!!!

Because in some instances I was incredibly STUPID... and in other instances the lady was incredibly INTELLIGENT lol!!!  Not that only stupid gals fall for green dudes!  Sometimes an intelligent one, in a momentary lapse of reasoning will fall for them as well (witness my ex...  as smart as they come, but hey, she married me and we were together for 10 years)!

There is something to be said - for falling in love....  and one of the side benefits - Kids!

My son - hee hee!  just the thought of his future... thrills me, cause he is better than me.

My daughter- can melt me....  in a way no one else can... She asked me what I wanted for "Father's Day"  I said, "I want you and your brother to not fight"  - her response - "they are all out of that at the store"!!!  No session, with any provider EVER measures up to that... Sorry ladies...

So, mr. Fisher, Love?  in doses of 1 hour? or even more... does not compare, because the making of that sentence took 9 years.

And yes, love can bring enormous pain.  I have watched as my dear friend, a manic-depressive, dealt with the tragic death of his wife from cancer.  I cannot even begin to comprehend how he dealt with that - with his disorder - but he did, and he did well.  Or the pain that one of my god-children brought to her parents, when she fell into a cycle of drug addiction and ran away from home at the age of 15....

Love has that potential - great pleasure - or great pain...  without that potential though, it would not be a thrilling.

There are those who engage in various physical activities that put them in harms way, but it is that very potential for harm, that provides the enjoyable rush... and that is akin to the potential that love provides....

I hope that I have expressed myself better!  Some tell me that I do not.... but I try.

All the things you say about love are true, but maybe he'll catch on to them in time.

I hope he does fall for a great provider.

I wish I had long ago.

Well, no time like the present.  

I'm having the time of my life. This hobby has given me a much better understanding of women. Female coworkers at work can't understand why I have this erasable smile on my face all the time. They figure I must be getting some action somewhere, but can't figure it out. This is a secret that I will carry to my grave. Thanks for sharing!!!!!


-- Modified on 6/21/2006 1:30:49 PM

-- Modified on 6/21/2006 12:01:12 PM

Nerdy guy get a real girlfriend already!! You sound like an introverted nice nerdy geek like in the movie "Revenge of the Nerds". All these good female friends you have do NOT want to have sex with you, it is your imagination!! LOL, you are the nerdy nice guy that will never get laid for free by just doing nothing. You are considered a friend but you are NOT somebody who is attractive to women!!! LOL, you think you look innocent, but other people especially women probably see you as desparate, geeky, submissive, and nerdy! This is the impression I get form your post. LOL, please do yourself a favor grow up emotionally and find a girl who will have a relationship with you for free and teach you about love and not just lust! And the imaginary feeling of providers being special to you is called the GFE! They do this as part of the price so that you come back and spend more money with them! LOL, you seem innocent in that you are unwise and unexperienced in how women treat you well for the money you pay and leave you feeling that you are special! You are nothing but a easy way to make money to these girls! You are an easy to please, nice, repeat customer! I do NOT mean to be rude or critical! And others on the board will have nothing better than to FLAME me too!!!

-- Modified on 6/21/2006 3:25:05 PM

I would only add a couple of things... first, occasionally the geeky guy does get the great gal! and second, Sometimes, providers do mean it when they tell you that you are special... it does happen.

But in general, you do need to find out about love, and you cannot get that from a book or on the internet... or wherever...  You have to work through it.

I would also suggest being very careful.  It will be very easy for you to be sucked into a fantasy that you think is real.  I have been to provider’s homes, have their home phone numbers, know their birthdays, met their children and we talk like friends often.  And was told by a few I was their favorite client.  But- I am/was still a client- just a nice one that they can trust and one that they have a lot of fun with him.  Clicked?  Yes- but it’s still about money, paying bills and then good sex- lol.

As much as I think it’s important to fall in love- I also think there is some valuable lessons to be learned in having your heart broke as well.  What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger

John,

Your post was already removed once, so it occurs to me to wonder why the original poster's message hit such a nerve with you that you felt compelled to spew your vemon a second time?

Might it be that the gentleman doth protest too much?

Here is a word to the wise sweetie.....when you bash others for their insecurities, you only highlight your own insecurities while at the same time, making a complete a$$ of yourself, which you have just done.

Whether as a provider or as a civvie, I guarantee you, I'll take a gentleman such as the original poster long before I would tolerate a belligerent insecure cretin such as yourself. YOU need to grow up.

You people that are critical of GBMaster just
don't understand. Like him, I have never had
a girlfriend. This is because I have social
anxiety, am painfully shy and lack social skills which makes it very difficult to meet women.  And I've tried & tried  but have  been nothing
but rejected by women. So the only way for me to
have sex is with providers. There is no
rejection there and no social skills necessary
Yes, it is not love but I've been rejected enough
to know that will never happen.

I did NOT know that my post was removed. LOL, when I tried the first post my internet connection went down! So I did NOT think my post was processed. So you are definitely WRONG in your assumption! And you do NOT know anything about me. But for the record, I thought the guy sounded like a "wuss" which is the words he used in his original post and he was intelligent enough to realize what his attitude sounded like.

Back at you sinoftheflesh!! And I would never ask for your services. So you NEVER EVER have to worry about me or any of my friends coming to see you!! We would never deal with such a MATURE provider like you. So thanks for the heads up about NOT servicing me and my friends, I did NOT need it and I hope you get the message!! LOL, thanks I really do NOT care about your opinion either for your information and future reference!

Have you tired therapy or some type of psychiatric  therapy? There is always hope as long as you are alive!!!

GingerbreadMaster, I can totally relate to your situation, although mine is a little different.  Anyone else reading this, keep in mind that my post is about sex, not love.  If anyone's not into reading life stories, scroll down to the part that starts with "Sorry for..."

When I was in high school, I didn't have a car, and my parents wouldn't let me take theirs.  Since I live in a suburb, dating was simply out of the question.  In college, it was more complicated.  I went to a commuter school, where I had to ride a train for an hour to get there.  That, combined with living at home, made dating extremely difficult, although I did have a couple of dates.

None of them went all the way, however.  As a result, I remained a virgin until my early 20's, and it was really getting to me.  My friends tried to help me out by telling me to get an escort.  For a long time, I balked at the idea.  I had numerous concerns: family finding out, word getting out around work, LE busts, my cell phone company turning me in (paranoia, I know), etc.  Then again, can you blame me?  I was just getting into the hobby.  

Anyways, I found this wonderful site.  I researched and researched, paid for the VIP membership, called a few providers, and finally picked one out.  I won't get into how nervous I was on the way to the appointment.  I also won't get into about how couldn't stop smiling for hours afterwards.  However, my attitude toward sex did a complete 180.  Before, it was something that seemed unattainable, and I was really desperate for it.  How it's simply another form of pleasure that's just a phone call away.  

As a result, I've become a lot more confident.  It's like there's a division of labor between providers and civvies.  I can always get sex from providers, no matter what.  Civvies, on the other hand, provide other fun stuff, like flirting, dancing, LFKs or DFKs, hugs, or just intelligent conversations.  With the pressure of getting (or not getting) sex from civvies completely eliminated, I can focus on enjoying their company without worrying about the outcome.

Sorry for the long post, but my lesson to you is this.  Providers are NOT a replacement for love from a civvie.  They're great for taking the pressure off.  When you know you can always get sex from a provider, there's simply no need to worry if a civvie will give it to you.

-- Modified on 6/26/2006 11:27:52 PM

-- Modified on 6/26/2006 11:29:14 PM