Just a warning.  If you can't put up with guys acting like a wuss, please disregard this post.

Due to the circumstances of my childhood and adolesence, I've grown up to be a very humble person.  Quiet and shy, but perceived as a really nice guy.  However, I suffer from insecurity and a fear of rejection.  Despite my soft-spoken nature, I'm pretty popular and well-liked.

Have I ever had a girlfriend?  Nope.  Just really good female friends who may or may not have been waiting for me to make some kind of move.

I was of course a virgin.  However, I'm a very horny guy.  No one could suspect since I appear so innocent and nice that I've always been fascinated by sex.  When I saw scantily clad hookers in movies, I always wondered in the back of my mind where I could encounter one.  I remember there was a Beavis & Butthead episode where a female cop pretends to be a hooker, and somehow that episode really turned me on.

I reached a breaking point.

While in Japan where massage parlors are prevalent with signs out in plain view, I decided I would try it.  After heartpounding anxiety, I entered, paid the old man at the counter a fee and was met by a pretty girl ten minutes later.  Well, turns out, it was just a CBJ place.  But that was my first sexual experience.

When I came back to USA, I wanted to try something more.  But I was scared.  I did not want to be busted, go to jail, accidently fuck a man, etc.  Those specials on HBO that put a spotlight on hookers in Las Vegas and Atlantic City really intrigued me.  Especially one special about some ranch in Nevada.  I seriously considered saving up thousands of bucks to go check it out.

I would look through Eros dot com and wonder if all this could be real.  How could something like this exist?  But like I said, I was scared to ever try.

One day, I came upon an article from some New York magazine about the rise and fall of a "pimp" who was running an agency and had one of the "hottest" girls who saw the likes of a famous NFL quarterback who had just won a Super Bowl.  But there was one excerpt that really caught my eye.  

It talked about how she scored 10's regularly on theeroticreview.com.  

So I visited.  Looked around.  Compared the girls on Eros dot com to the ratings on the site.  But I still wasn't sure.

So I paid for a membership.  Read the details.  ..could all this be real?  I still didn't know.. I started to wonder.. Should I?  Shouldn't I?

I should.  

I was so scared, but I found an agency that seemed to be popular and well-reviewed and I made a call.  Somehow, it was so easy.  The person on the other end picked up the phone, told me to wait, then called me back and asked me which girl and what time.

I had picked a girl of the same race as me.

She had just arrived and had no reviews, and people on the discussion boards would eventually ask for her information.  Despite an extended thread, no one had any info, and I never bothered to fill them in.  This led me to believe I was the first person she saw.

My heart was pounding so hard.  I expected to be busted at any moment by undercover police.  When I knocked on the door, and it opened, there was no one there.  I stepped in, wondering if an officer would jump out and handcuff me.

But then the door closed, and standing there was one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen.  Needless to say, I was still very nervous, and being my first time, didn't last too long at all.  I didn't even bring an envelope, I just threw the money on the dresser.  

After the session was over, I left, feeling very emotionally attached to the provider.  Too bad she left that same week and I would never see her ever again.  

But I now knew what sex felt like.  All two minutes.

Six months passed.  Then the urge came back.  

So once again, I visited the same agency to visit a girl of the same race.  Once again I was nervous.  This time, though, the girl seemed to genuinely enjoy my presence.  Maybe it was because she couldn't speak English very well and was happy to finally be able to talk to someone.  Maybe she was a good actress.

We talked and she told me her real name voluntarily.  I was touched.  To me, it felt like by her telling me her name, she trusted me.  

Before getting dressed, she kissed me on the cheek.  In my shyness, I did nothing. She took my face with her hand, forced my head to turn around, and kissed me on the lips.  I saw her once more, and then she, too, was gone.

I then realized I didn't just enjoy the sex.  It was also the companionship.  Without ever having a girlfriend, this girl had filled a lonely void in my life.

Another month went by and I graduated college and received some money from relatives.  Then I went on a spending spree, visiting a handful of girls within the span of two weeks.  This time I even ventured outside my own race, and realized how mechanical these session could be.

The next week, I returned to the agency to see another girl.  I figured I would have the advantage because she might be be happy there would be no communication barrier.

The girl I saw was a real sweetheart.  She snuggled in my arms, hugged me a lot, laughed a lot, told me stories and so on.  Then it was time for me to go.  Before I left, she also decided to divulge her real name to me.
 
So I've been seeing her very often since.  One time, she asked me for my phone number which I gave.  I did not ask her for hers, yet another reminder of what a wuss I am.  I'm afraid she might say "no".   She never did call.  But I continued to see her and we even ate dinner together after a session.

Unfortunately, I know for a fact she will stop working at the end of the month.  I will try my best to visit before she leaves, but I really don't know if I will ever see her again after that.  She has my phone number, so maybe if she calls me.. But somehow I get the feeling she won't.  Soon she will leave and I will once again have a lonely void.


So how has my life been changed?

Having never had a real girlfriend, I don't think I ever will.

A female co-worker this past weekend asked me to come in after I drove her home from a night of drinking.  I said I was gonna go home and sleep.  Would I have gotten sex?  It never crossed my mind until the next day, and oddly enough I didn't care.

Meanwhile, I wonder who exactly goes to see these providers.  I look around and realize it could be almost any guy.  It could be the real nice guy sitting over there, or it could be that fat jerk standing next to me.  No way for me to know.

I lead a ridiculous double life.  One life, I just told you about.  The other life, people consider me to be so innocent and pure.  They ask me, "Why don't you get a girlfriend?".  I just smile and shrug.  

I'll probably lead a lie for the rest of my life.  I don't know if I'll ever completely accept it, but..

There's no turning back now.

For better or for worse.