I've struggled with severe depression for a long time, on and off, sometimes I'm fine for days or weeks and then in the hole for just as many. The hobby didn't cause my depression, it's been a part of my life since I was very young, and the hobby doesn't fuel my depression, but the hobby impacts my depression and the hobby is impacted by it.

I get depressed after the fact. Ahead of time and during it I'm pumped to be with a young and sexy thing that is rocking my world but when it's done I'm back to being alone and stuck with whatever thoughts or pain I was trying to avoid and no amount of bbbj or anal or money can fix that. And if she didn't it live up to my built up expectations then the hole afterwards is even deeper.  

I think it's fine to spill your guts here, but this will not help you learn how to deal with your condition.  Depression is a huge problem for many people.  

You're as good as it gets. God has a special place for you.

Anyone suffering from depression should seek help. I think often people do try to work through it, alone, and there's no benefit to that. Depression is not just a down day, it's chronic and it can be debilitating for people, and me too at times. Self medicating with drugs or alcohol or sex is pointless, and often leaves an emptier feeling than was there before.

Think of depression as  something in your brain having an electrical problem or a chemical balance problem.  They can identify the problem and solve it with a pill.  Don't see a shrink.....they will solve nothing.   Whatever you do, solve the problem.  Living with depression is not a choice for you and those around you.

don't let things get to you, learn to shrug them off...see the sunshine through the trees...it could be worse, just look at the news and you'll see many who are much worse off, those who have overcome the impossible, been through the unimaginable, and those who experience darkness everyday of their lives that is simply terrifying.  When I feel down or even too happy, I visit and help out at a homeless shelter or women's shelter or back in Europe, at an orphange, and then I feel better, not only by knowing God loves me and blessed me with good fortune, but also by helping those less fortunate feel happy and hopeful. Maybe even changing lives.
Hope you feel better.  God Bless

I would think that depression here is higher than the general population. From both sides.

Why so?

It got so bad I even once tried to end it. I got lucky in it didn't take and I was forced to get help. Don't wait depression is serous and real help is out there. Please get the help you need.

I fear too often people equate depression with mental illness.  
Depression can be a result of many things. Chemical imbalance is one and it is very treatable  

You've made the first step, you sought out help.  Takes courage to do that regardless of the method you chose.  Now comes the next step - seeking professional help.  I know many will offer words of encouragement and suggestions.  However what worked for them might not be the best course of action for you.

I've heard that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and I think that's true. When my depression peaks.. I think of all sorts of things, ending my life, running away, dropping out.. of life? And it sounds rational and reasonable to me at the time, but depression robs us of reason doesn't it?

I think depression is a mental illness, and that's ok. Being labeled "mentally ill" sucks,  but if my brain is behaving in ways that are abnormal at times,  I would say it's an illness. I think the good thing is that it's a treatable illness, or problem, if illness is too harsh. Seeking help is paramount. If depression could be worked through without help, people wouldn't suffer from it for very long.

A lot of people don't want to remind themselves every day that they struggle with something, so they don't take medication or go to a doctor. Here's one thing I have found out, depression and anxiety are considered the common cold of mental illness, and rarely have a stigma in the medical industry. So getting treatment for that is pretty common.

Depression is just not enough dopamine or seratonin in the brain. There is no chemical for sadness, so sadness is sort of the feeling you get when there's not "enough" of D&S. Your problem may come because simply your physiology is not balanced. That thing that happens every month might be the cause of it and I don't know if there is a remedy for that.  

I started seeing a therapist, tried medications, made a lot of life changes like going on a medical leave or picking up new hobbies. Interestingly enough, I feel that the turning point was when I started working in the industry. I started feeling motivated to get out of bed, I had fun with my work, I got paid to do something I love. I needed to gain control of my life and feel fulfilled, and I found that in my work. I stopped taking antidepressants right as I started this line of work and haven't picked them up since, but I know a lot of people for whom they work well and I found them to be an okay aid in the beginning.

Lot's of people that are lonely or in broken personal relationships.

or might notice my depression. Mostly back in the days of old L.A. TER days.
I blame me unluckiness with the opposite sex and jobs, careers and stuff.  
I think it must be depression or anxiety or something. i don't know I've never seen a doctor. Even though I worked for a health insurance co. for 10 years. At the time at thought I had made it and I was OK. But after 2008 I feel something is not ok.  

I agree with many here that suggested that you seek professional help.  We all suffer from depression from time to time.  Know that you are not alone and take comfort in the fact there are people in the world that can help.  Asking for some help when you need it is never anything to be ashamed of.

And should be treated as such. It's important to get to a doctor quickly because one of the symptoms of depression is a feeling of hopelessness, so oftentimes a depressed person won't go to a doctor because they think it won't help. In reality life is not hopeless, things can and will get better, but you must seek treatment.  Also depression will leave you feeling drained of energy such that you won't want to get out of bed much less go to an appointment.  

do not try to drown it in recreational drugs, alcohol, or sex. No matter how hard, find the energy to seek counseling and appropriate medication.

So much for the old bs adage of sex making people happy. It's like a drug, nothing more and when it fades you face reality. I think many people in this business face isolation because most have a secret they cannot tell anyone. Also, many are single with no children and move from town to town so keeping friends is also hard. I faced some serious depression back in the beginning when I had just moved to a new city, had no friends and this was pretty much my life being running an agency took 12 hours a day back then.  

Not sure if that makes it an addiction or what.

Have you traveled much? Particularly outside of the U.S., away from resorts and for a somewhat extended duration of time (at least a week) so that you can experience the different ways that people around the world live? There are so many wonders of the world to experience and it's not the same as watching a travel show - you have to be there!

And that is why one should not face it alone. It is a disease that robs you of everything that makes life worth living and like any serous disease of similar magnitude it requires treatment as it doesn't necessarily go away on its own. The fact it robs one of reason in regards to ones value and life while robbing you of motivation to do anything but maybe eat makes it near impossible to handle on ones own and self medicating with sex, food (my first choice), drugs including alcohol, work (my second choice), or sleep doesn't work but only aggravated it. This is the reasons I suggest getting help. I been there more than once and I know I needed it.

I do think there are some people that are clinically depressed but I think most people "suffering" from depression can blame society, media, environment, etc. We sit here and have people who are depressed and get so upset by the littlest shit. I told my SO the other day we're watching people on the news who walked 30 miles to get to Germany from the terrors in their country and here I am bitching and crying cause my AC stopped working in my house.  

I hope the OP reads this.  Excellent insight.
I have a witty comment I could ad but seems like this isn't the thread for frivolity .

Were you aware that today is world suicide prevention day?

I would also suggest finding a friend you trust and likes you for you that you can be fully honest with. Hiding a major part of ones life is isolating.  

if youre embarrassed.. have your friend with you. you have to give your info to health officials due to hipaa laws, but you can be on speaker with some support nearby.  

100's of people. Let's say 400.
Half were given a placebo. 200.
70% showed improvements. 140.
That's still  
60/200 that didnt show improvements from a sugar pill.
How many of the ones given the anti depressant (which one at which mg) showed signs of improvement? Probably not 100%.

Depression can be hereditary. My mother and every one of her children suffered from it.

Nice advise but sort of a cheap shot  linking to your ad. 8o(

You can tell from the sincerity of many replies that you have to take depression seriously, it can affect anyone in any walk of life, and those who responded care about you even though we have never met you and probably never will.  That might help, if guilt is part of your emotional makeup.  I've met a number of people who suffered from serious depression, a couple of them suicidal, in and out of the hobby, and each case is different, so do due diligence and find a really good therapist.  Your posts offer some optimism -- they seem aware, intelligent, and open to working on your situation.  
The most shocking case I know is of a well known therapist in my city who had a terrific reputation for helping mostly anorexic and/or bulimic girls.  She was wise and wonderful and everyone was shocked when one day she herself committed suicide.  Another case was a provider friend who told me she was close to suicide several times, causes unknown, at least to me.  I asked her if she liked her work, and she said, "If I have a good customer, I can really enjoy it," so the cause was not the hobby which indeed provided a good income for her and her dependent.  You CAN deal with depression, but you have to get the right therapy and all the rest, starting right away.

That is a good point.
I have tried every medicine for depression under the sun.  Medicine no matter what is at best a band aid.  Even shock therapy was no help.  Please do not get shock therapy for depression. I don't care how many doctor's say it will help.  I saw them cook a kid the same age I was who had 5 more treatments than me to the point he was almost catatonic.  Scared me so much that I quit the treatment program right there.  

Agree - it's a very real medical condition.  There are definitely inherited factors as pointed out by donbecker54 as well as a myriad of known and unknown environmental factors.  Did you know that even brain anatomy is different in those with chronic depression?  The hippocampus is frequently observed to be smaller than it should be in those who suffer from chronic depression.  

I'm so sorry she checked out. I'm also so sorry it left a sadness for you. But it's a good reminder for all of us about that saying- Be kind to everyone you meet, for they could be fighting a battle you know nothing about.

have you tried probiotics? 95 percent of the body's serotonin is found in the gut. There's loads of research out there on how diet can affect depression. Hippocrates said, "Let food be thy medicine."

That was so beautiful and I'm so sorry for your loss.  
She was blessed to have met you!! Thank you for caring. 😘

the HBMA poster above, but thought it was good info for everyone involved in this thread!

is the loss of an entire world.

Wow scoed... you are honest to a fault. I wish I had half the courage and drive that you still do after everything you have been through... You truly inspire me in so many ways, especially when I start bitching about things that are so damn trivial.

we have something in common. We're a member of a club no one wants to be a member of. The first time I saw your alias I knew. I hope to see you on the PO board soon. In the mean time I'll check on you from time to time. And contact me anytime you want to talk.

I also believe that each and every person has their own trials that to them are earth shattering and no one gets a pass. I also believe we all have our own strengths and weaknesses and what may seem trivial to you may be devastating to me. Like I am having a hard time with not having anything fucked up right now. Now to 99% of the worlds population that would be a God sent "problem" of having nothing major going wrong but I don't know how to handle it and it honestly terrifies me as I don't get my role right now. Now how silly does that seam? Yet for my it is a struggle.  

no, i do not have it.
yes, i googled it after i read your post... (lol)

I'm there with you. Major Depression is something I have fought for 20 years now, and in my case it's not going away; it is something to be treated and managed. I've had enough episodes, and of such severity, that I will be taking an antidepressant for the rest of my life (Celexa at the moment).

This is the best thread! It is awesome that you can bring this p. It helps me to remember that depression is natural for artists...and I consider providers artists in creating sensual experiences. Everyday, you have to create something out of nothing, recapture magic and impart it to other people, in the most intimate way possible. This is no easy task. I imagine that you, like  
most providers, are good at using somatic awareness (body awareness and intuition) in your work. And that can be a technique to turn the attention back to you and use your own sensual energy to hold you and even lift you through depression. in sex school, we talked a lot about ways to masturbate with and for depression. Also, myself and a colleague are creating a national directory and phone support group of counselors who are also providers and can give support to these issues. I can keep you posted about this, if you want. I always think, for myself, that since I am so close to beauty and pleasure all the time (the work and the passion of the provider0 then it is also a quite natural part of the balance to be really aquainted with sorrow or a sense of flow.

testing

You forget...!

and welcome back.

-- Modified on 9/12/2015 11:11:45 AM

The fact that the tenth leading cause of death in this country is proof positive that at least some people are getting a lot more than they can handle.

There is a huge difference between being able to do a thing and both knowing you can do it and being willing to do so. And please note I never said handle alone. No person is an island. I nearly died because I willing to seek help and learn how to cope with feelings. I had what I needed, but I attempted the cowardly way out.

-- Modified on 9/12/2015 11:46:50 PM