By that I mean for the gentlemen that are either married or in a long term relationship, how does it make you feel when your wife or SO withholds sex because of any given reason?

And here is a loaded question. If such a relationship exists, at what point does the lady give up her right of your exclusive sexual relationship?

If she denies you sex for a legitimate reason e.g. not being in the mood or some other acceptable reason you've got to absorb it without seeking another venue but,if she uses it whimsically as a tool to gain an upper hand on you,imho you're justified to seek it elsewhere!

The good book tells spouses not to withhold sex from each other lest the other spouse fall into temptation. My SO decided to padlock the pussy for a bad reason. It made me feel mad that I went on vacation and got into the hobby, for the past 7 years I have spent around 25K on the hobby.

I would say that the vast majority of guys who have SO wander because the need arose.  SO either cut him off permanently (my situation) or diminished frequecy such that he had no choice but to look elsewhere.

Withholding for any reason other than medical is bad for the relationship. You may want to review an excellent essay on the subject. If this is going on in your marriage nip it in the bud by going directly to the source. Why hold each other hostage and only grow in terms of how much you resent the other person?

-- Modified on 2/12/2006 1:25:15 PM

I told her I was getting tires of this shit and was gonna go out and get it.She said fine go ahead no problem.Never underestimate me.

Unfortunatly, some women revert to this sort of behavior when they don't have the emotional maturity, experience or the ability to verbalize their feelings.  So rather than work through a problem with their significant other they take unilateral action designed to demand your attention and get their own way (if you've raised children you're already familiar with this ploy- even 3-year olds have figured it out).

Withholding sex to get your own way, or as a sign of protest, is very dysfunctional behavior akin to blackmail or taking hostages ("do what I demand or the hostages get it").  In this case, its your balls  and sex life that' are being held hostage and she's using something you want to force you to give her something she wants- but as an aggressive act, not as a compromise.

It is usually is a sign of emotional immaturity on the part of the woman withhodling sex and shows her inability to communicate and reason with you in order to work out whatever it is that's bothering her.  But expecting your SO to read your mind isn't ever going to work.  You either discuss it like adults and solve the problem, or you engage in passive-aggresive behavior like a spoiled child.

As an aside, I dated a Ph.D sex therapist for six years and we co-authored a book on sex and relationships, so I have a little familiarity with these sort of things through her and her work.  Unfortunately, this is a common problem, made worse by the fact that most guys eventually give in and just reinforce the woman's bad behavior (I'm assuming that you haven't done something really terrible that has brought your SO to this point).  

Once these dysfunctional patterns are established in a relationship, it can be very difficult to change them.  My recommendation is to avoid anyone who turns to this sort of behavior to get their way.  If she's just an SO, then there's still time to fix it or split.  If she's a wife, then you've got a bigger problem.  

But in either case, seeing escorts won't solve the problem waiting for you at home.  It will only make you feel better for an hour or two and then resent your SO even more since the contrast becomes even greater.

And trying to appease her by giving in to her demands won't work either.  First she'll want Austria, then she'll take Czeckoslovakia before finally invading Poland- I think you see where this is headed.

Make yourself available to have a serious discussion of the problem, but don't grovel and give in to her demands just to get access to her pussy- its a losing propostion.

-- Modified on 2/12/2006 3:28:41 PM

If I promise to be faithful and "forsake all others", then nothing my partner does can release me from that vow except her explicit release.

I know that's the hard line, and easy to keep since I'm single, but that's just how I feel. My promises are entirely about me, and I keep them for my own benefit, the person I make a promise to becomes irrelevant once I've given my word.

Of course, I know I'm being prideful and selfish, but that's just me.

I certainly intended to keep the wedding vows I made 17 years ago; however, my spouse is living proof of the joke, "what food kills 90 % of a woman's sex drive?"  The answer is of course, "wedding cake."  She had a fairly high sex drive prior to marriage but it especially dropped after our daughter was born (she's 16 years old now).  Since then, no DATY allowed, it tickles), some type of sex act once every two to six weeks.  I'm sorry, I don't think it's fair, but didn't hobby until 2 years ago.  I guess I was denied one time too many.  She seems almost proud of that and she even admits that she's changed (meaner, more take than give).  This isn't what I expected.  At this point, I will say that if I stay married long-term, it will only be because it's cheaper to keep her.  I even had a therapist tell me I was lonely, doesn't that defeat the purpose of marriage?  She's not real technically saavy, and I've only hobbied when traveling to Canada, so I've been able to keep my two lives separate thus far, but I know that could change anytime.  If I were to be "outed," I would miss my kids terribly, but I'm not sure I'd miss her that much.  Maybe I can work to make things better.

Crownroyal

This is particularly true when I know that she really does care. It is easy to burn the ones that we care about simply because their emotions are laid bare. I have not had sex used as a weapon because I have never been married. But I have had women shut me out and make sure that their friends and anyone else that both of us know does the same. How to deal with being shutout probaly depend upon the person, but for me hobbying away the pain of being shutout only deepens the hurt. Ultimately, if the woman is worth giving in to and developing stronger lines of communication with then that is what need to be done as the best course. If she is not worthy of being given in to then find someone else.

what I learned in 17 years of marriage is that it's critically important to keep communication open and try to oblige the other spouse.  That, and nobody should put up with a bitch who won't put out for 2 weeks straight.

...I don't want to have sex with her anymore than she wants to have sex with me.

than the day I told my wife that I couldn’t care less if I ever had sex with her again.(this was 9 years before our divorce)The look of total defeat and hopelessness in her eyes was the greatest indictment of her years of manipulation through sex (or lack of) . At that edifying moment she realized that she had no more influence or power over me than a homeless bag lady. Since that day I have come to understand why civvie women universally hate both pornography and providers with such vitriol. In both cases they effectively remove the bullets from the woman's gun.

  Cm.

-- Modified on 2/12/2006 10:09:19 PM

that if he didn't put out, I'd get it somewhere else (don't ask lol). After that, with no improvement, guess what I did? Hey, I told him point blank it would be occuring.

I'd sign up right away.

We could have the "Dueling Dicks" brigade. (I love to see the regimental ties.)(Our motto: Bellum est eros.)(Apologies to Latin scholars if I messed up the endings.)

Some women may use it as a weapon, but let's get real. I haven't had a boyfriend in awhile (by my choice), but when I got angry with prior boyfriends, it wasn't a weapon. I just didn't want to have sex with someone who was being an ass. I think they probably felt the same way about me. Sex is very intimate and personal with someone you care about, so if you're angry, it's a little hard to kiss and make up before the argument is settled or put to rest.

Hugs,
Ciara

...if I don't have any current issues with you, and you don't have any current issues with me, let's have sex, shall we?

Outcall: Take Central avenue up to I-17, then take 17 north up to I-40 near Flagstaff, turn right (East), go about 2500 miles to I-81 in Tennesse, then north for about 200 miles to I-66, then East for about 100 miles to DC. Give me a call about 15 minutes before you get here.

I'm there! Just yesterday! I finally gave up! I wash my hands of it. I don't care if I ever break the plane of that goal again. It's just plain NOT worth the effort.

I even took the lingerie that I'd bought for her nearly a month ago for Valentine's Day and tossed it in trash this morning. Tomorrow she'll get the usual eunuch gift of flowers and candy.

I am unleashed! Bwhahahahahaha!

Now the only question is: where do I find another lady who doesn't mind settling issues by light-sabre duels? (Loser patches the holes in the drywall)

-- Modified on 2/13/2006 8:11:34 PM

I have to trek through the North Pole and scout for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Let's say about midnight on May 27th?

Hugs,
Ciara

go Steelers !!!!!!!!!!!! yea....... yea yea.....

with my ex wondering why I did not wish to have sex with her....  she finally asked for a divorce - which I resisted... to this day I wonder why I resisted.... while financially I am not as comfortable as I was, mental health wise I am much better now....  Cynicalman - you said well what is a factor that anyone can understand but few can act upon.  P-power is great...

I actually thought that I would wake up one morning and be in a loving, tender and caring relationship... only to be reminded, every morning of my inadequacies...

thanks.