If she denies you sex for a legitimate reason e.g. not being in the mood or some other acceptable reason you've got to absorb it without seeking another venue but,if she uses it whimsically as a tool to gain an upper hand on you,imho you're justified to seek it elsewhere!

The good book tells spouses not to withhold sex from each other lest the other spouse fall into temptation. My SO decided to padlock the pussy for a bad reason. It made me feel mad that I went on vacation and got into the hobby, for the past 7 years I have spent around 25K on the hobby.

Re:Gentlemen, what are your thoughts regarding sex as a weapon?

I would say that the vast majority of guys who have SO wander because the need arose.  SO either cut him off permanently (my situation) or diminished frequecy such that he had no choice but to look elsewhere.

Withholding for any reason other than medical is bad for the relationship. You may want to review an excellent essay on the subject. If this is going on in your marriage nip it in the bud by going directly to the source. Why hold each other hostage and only grow in terms of how much you resent the other person?

-- Modified on 2/12/2006 1:25:15 PM

I told her I was getting tires of this shit and was gonna go out and get it.She said fine go ahead no problem.Never underestimate me.

Unfortunatly, some women revert to this sort of behavior when they don't have the emotional maturity, experience or the ability to verbalize their feelings.  So rather than work through a problem with their significant other they take unilateral action designed to demand your attention and get their own way (if you've raised children you're already familiar with this ploy- even 3-year olds have figured it out).

Withholding sex to get your own way, or as a sign of protest, is very dysfunctional behavior akin to blackmail or taking hostages ("do what I demand or the hostages get it").  In this case, its your balls  and sex life that' are being held hostage and she's using something you want to force you to give her something she wants- but as an aggressive act, not as a compromise.

It is usually is a sign of emotional immaturity on the part of the woman withhodling sex and shows her inability to communicate and reason with you in order to work out whatever it is that's bothering her.  But expecting your SO to read your mind isn't ever going to work.  You either discuss it like adults and solve the problem, or you engage in passive-aggresive behavior like a spoiled child.

As an aside, I dated a Ph.D sex therapist for six years and we co-authored a book on sex and relationships, so I have a little familiarity with these sort of things through her and her work.  Unfortunately, this is a common problem, made worse by the fact that most guys eventually give in and just reinforce the woman's bad behavior (I'm assuming that you haven't done something really terrible that has brought your SO to this point).  

Once these dysfunctional patterns are established in a relationship, it can be very difficult to change them.  My recommendation is to avoid anyone who turns to this sort of behavior to get their way.  If she's just an SO, then there's still time to fix it or split.  If she's a wife, then you've got a bigger problem.  

But in either case, seeing escorts won't solve the problem waiting for you at home.  It will only make you feel better for an hour or two and then resent your SO even more since the contrast becomes even greater.

And trying to appease her by giving in to her demands won't work either.  First she'll want Austria, then she'll take Czeckoslovakia before finally invading Poland- I think you see where this is headed.

Make yourself available to have a serious discussion of the problem, but don't grovel and give in to her demands just to get access to her pussy- its a losing propostion.

-- Modified on 2/12/2006 3:28:41 PM

If I promise to be faithful and "forsake all others", then nothing my partner does can release me from that vow except her explicit release.

I know that's the hard line, and easy to keep since I'm single, but that's just how I feel. My promises are entirely about me, and I keep them for my own benefit, the person I make a promise to becomes irrelevant once I've given my word.

Of course, I know I'm being prideful and selfish, but that's just me.

This is particularly true when I know that she really does care. It is easy to burn the ones that we care about simply because their emotions are laid bare. I have not had sex used as a weapon because I have never been married. But I have had women shut me out and make sure that their friends and anyone else that both of us know does the same. How to deal with being shutout probaly depend upon the person, but for me hobbying away the pain of being shutout only deepens the hurt. Ultimately, if the woman is worth giving in to and developing stronger lines of communication with then that is what need to be done as the best course. If she is not worthy of being given in to then find someone else.

...I don't want to have sex with her anymore than she wants to have sex with me.

than the day I told my wife that I couldn’t care less if I ever had sex with her again.(this was 9 years before our divorce)The look of total defeat and hopelessness in her eyes was the greatest indictment of her years of manipulation through sex (or lack of) . At that edifying moment she realized that she had no more influence or power over me than a homeless bag lady. Since that day I have come to understand why civvie women universally hate both pornography and providers with such vitriol. In both cases they effectively remove the bullets from the woman's gun.

  Cm.

-- Modified on 2/12/2006 10:09:19 PM

that if he didn't put out, I'd get it somewhere else (don't ask lol). After that, with no improvement, guess what I did? Hey, I told him point blank it would be occuring.

I'd sign up right away.

We could have the "Dueling Dicks" brigade. (I love to see the regimental ties.)(Our motto: Bellum est eros.)(Apologies to Latin scholars if I messed up the endings.)