A former client is stalking me and I don't know what to do.  He is basically a nice man, but he will not leave me alone despite my requests that he stop calling.  He leaves gifts outside the door to my house, he calls and blocks his phone number so that I won't know it's him.  What should I do?  I don't want to expose him or get the police involved, but I'm starting to be very fearful for my safety.

Help!

Rachel

There are not any effective means of evading a stalker that would preserve anonyminity. If you truly fear for your safety I would obtain a restraining order against him. You would have to name him in the order, but aside from applying for and having the subject served with the order, exposure of his identity will be minimal.

John Doe is right. You need to get a restraining order against him. I would also consider telling a neighbor, with discretion, that an ex boyfriend is stalking you and to keep an eye out for problems.
It used to be stalkers were just considered guys who could not get it through their heads that you wanted nothing to do with them. Now, I only wish that the stalker would realize that the object of his affections is not only not interested but very scared for her safety because if he really loved her, he would not stalk her and scare her...just my 2 cents.

Well Rachel, my initial piece of advice is to hell with worrying about exposing him and/or getting LE involved.  It's real simple.  You tell him that you have consulted an attorney and that the attorney has told you to go to the police.  If this is not enough to stop him, you do what neverwuz has suggested and obtain a restraining order against him.  The problem with the restraining order is that you need to serve him with the order personally.  Using the sheriff will help but they are not as efficient in personal service as they used to be so you may have to use a private service agency.  In addition, you tape the phone conversation and retain this as evidence when you call the police.  As for LE, tell them he is an ex-boyfriend who is stalking you and making threats.  If he tells them you are a provider, deny it and indicate to the police that it would be irrelevant anyway since he is making harassing phone calls and violating not only 653(m) of the Penal Code but, possibly Section 422(stalking) as well.  The restraining order papers will convince LE that you are telling the truth especially when they see the court stamp.  Once you serve him with the papers, file the restraining order with the police department in your area.  By this time, the individual should be scared shitless.  If he persists, proceed with the hearing to make the restraining order permanent in nature.  Most courts usually order a 3 to 5 year period.  If he still persists after that proceeding he will be in contempt of court and also in violation of Section 166.4 of the Penal Code (willful violation of a court order), a misdemeanor punishable up to one year in jail.  What ever you do, DO NOT ignore this situation.  Stay safe, levendi

Why should you worry about him (not wanting to bring in LE or get a restraining order).

He is not concerned about your wishes or privacy. Someone who goes over the line like this could be dangerous.

Tell him just what Levendi said (you have been advised to call the police). And if he keeps it up, do it...restraining order and all.

Keep your day job and I pray you are not an attorney.
Regarding TRO and RO you dont know shit. One she can have him served but CAN NOT SERVE the papers her self. If she serves him it is an unlawfull service  no good in California.
On paper a TRO gives her protection. In the real world it is useless. The RO is also not worth the paper it is written on. RO can be granted for 1 day and up to 3 years minus one day. No  5 year RO in California.

If she gets a RO it is VERY Difficult to inforce. Violation of the RO is a Misdemenor. In California a police officer can only make a misdemenor arrest if it occurs in his/her presence. I am sure the guy will stick around for the cops.  If a felony occurs and the officers are in hot pursuit they can arrest. ie he beats her up becouse she filed for the RO.

There are better ways to handle the situation. TRO and RO  is not the answer.

If you plan on giving legal advise give correct advise

No intention of flaming here sextoy but I am an attorney and I suggest you re-read some laws yourself.  First, I never suggested she serve the papers herself.  Second, the offense need not occur in officer's presence if she is willing to make a citizen's arrest.  Third, the prosecutor decides what to file on any case which is presented and in domestic violence cases, filings of court order violations are routine.  Finally, TRO's and RO's are not useless if you have to go to court and defend against them, especially if you wish to retain anonymity as a stalker. Oh, and, in addition, you might try spelling inforce with an "e". levendi

Option I

Public safety... call the police. The police will then be watching for you to be harmed, then be able to make an arrest. Not very effective. Problem is, ACLU fucking lawyers have made it so police cannot proactively enforce public safety. It's called harrassment. Isn't that a cluster fuck?

Option II

Hire a PI to do some background, have pics taken and go with him as your body guard in a kind of intervention. Strongly urge the nut-bar to back off and disappear. Forever. An ex-LASO, San Bernardino County or Ventura County Deputy Sheriff or line animal FBI guy is who you want. I can refer someone if you like. It may cost a few bucks but more effective than a restraining order and fun too!

I also recommend you pepper spray the shit out of him at every opportunity. I am not kidding.

Be safe. Take care of yourself. You will do a lot better job than anyone else.

-- Modified on 3/8/2002 8:10:09 PM

Screw the TRO's and RO's, that'll only piss him off and make him more agressive..You need to hire some Big Bubba and have him talk to your stalker and mabye give him a sample of what can happen if he continues..If he thinks your connected he'll more than likely leave you alone.. These guys are cowards, and it makes them feel superior if they can scare you.. A piece of paper is not going to do a thing...I have a friend who's been there and done that, and if the cops could, they'ed tell you the same thing..

That's my $0.10...

My spelling may be off. But my facts are correct. I read your advice to her. You may be an attorney but you dont practice family law IF YOU DO YOUR NOT VERY GOOD AT IT.. The LAPD will not arrest him. In theory she can do a C/A in THEORY. Viloation of the R/O is a Misd. A report is filed and a DV report is sent to the City Attorney. Felonies are  through the D/A. C/A won't do shit.  Do your home work before you argue this with me.  I have been stalked by an ex and know first hand. A provider friend of mine was stalked by her ex. We called SDPD everynight for 90 days. Thats a lot of police and alot of reports  nothing happened, except she met every cop on her beat. They even stop by to say hi  great for her business. The stalker commited a felony in the wrong part of town and got shot hes in jail for the felony. never charged with the 100 plus violations of the RO.

I love this approach but she becomes the number one suspect. She can file a police report about the lewd calls. They give her a Case number then she calls the phone co who places a trap on her phone two hits and they prosecute its a start. She cant lie to the cops its a felony to file a false report. She does not want to lie becouse she looses credibility in court and would commit perjury. She needs to grow eyes in the back of her head. Let him know she has friends and is not interested. If he continues she should set him  have him over and have the cops nail him.... it gets him out of her hair. she then needs to move as he will be pissed when he gets out. Stalkers have a few screws loose. you need to be concerned

-- Modified on 3/8/2002 8:59:54 PM

Whatever floats your boat, mr. toy!  I would think that it would be more productive for Rachel if you would suggest some positive course of conduct that she could pursue rather than doing a red pencil job on whatever anyone else says.  Just reading your posts makes me very happy that I don't have someone like you for a client.  In any event, Ms. Rachel, you are free to private message me where I can answer your questions at no charge and without all of the harangue. Stay safe, levendi

First, call your telephone company and have them change your phone so it won't accept blocked numbers.  Second, tape all calls.  Third, start a daily journal of everything involving this guy.  Try and get a plate of his car (make and model also) a name.  If he sent or brings you flowers, try and find the name of the florist (if delivered, that will be easy) and ask them if the guy used a credit card or check.  You should also notify the PD in your area.  If you get a real full name for this guy, you can file a restraining order.  Make sure you let people close to you know about this guy.  Just in case something happens to you.  You might have to bring someone along for outcalls (if you provide them.)  The journal and the tapes of phone calls will be key.  Also, the gifts.  In case they try and build a profile on the guy (mostly if he does do something to you.)  
    You have (we all have) a 6th sense.  USE YOURS!  If you feel strange about a situation, or the hair on your neck stands up, change your plans.  Better safe than sorry.  I wish you luck.  Please be safe.
The Footman

I watched Moon Struck the other day and I saw Cher slap Nicklous Cage in the face and say "WAKE UP", Well I'm saying the same thing to you "WAKE UP"...If this guy is Stalking you, he's not playing with a full deck, and he will not react to a TRO or RO or anything else legal.. Big Bubba can get the message across without hurting him...the first time... Do you really think the police or LE is going to care about an escort??? They'er going to say she brought this on herself.. The reason I'm so adiment about this is because of past history with a former employes daughter...She had the same problem, went through all the LE channels with an RO and the police and all that, and guess what..She's dead...Because she did all the right things..

In an earlier posting about enhancements I said to the girls " this is your body and your life, Take care of it, and do what you have to to stay alive.....

As always when it comes to legal matters, levendi's advice is the soundest.

There was no indication from the original posting that this guy was violent, and where possible you would want to maintain a proportional, legal response.

In terms of hiring "big bubba" to scare the guy, what happens if the confrontation gets out of hand and something serious happens to either "big bubba" or the ex-client? The provider might find herself in a much worse jam.



-- Modified on 3/9/2002 6:54:05 PM

Its sad when a CLIENT knows more about the law than an attorney. I think perhaps you are in Law School and should not be giving advice....

I am happy that you are not my attorney. I have sent you a private e-mail I hope you read it.

The situation sucks. She looses  no matter what. Ifshe speaks to LE they will advise her to change her number and move. If she remains local he will continue. If she moves a great distance he will stop. If she remains in her current area he will not stop untill he finds someonelse or something else to keep him busy.
Yes she should log everything that he does. If she keeps a running list it can be used in court as evidence.Letting those around her know the situation can help. Bottom line she has options. Bubba and his friend are one but if she goes this way she open to risk. It is unlawfull for two or more minds to conspire to commit a crime. The crime is conspiracy and its a felony.  Scaring or hurting the suspect is also a felony. hE IS NOT WORTH IT.  The legal system sucks. We need stonger laws to protect the victims. She can try to stay low and out of the spot light, but he may stick around.

He can do my laundry, walk Chewy and bake me some brownies with nuts.

H

You wrote that "The problem with the restraining order is that you need to serve him with the order personally." This was easily misconstrued by Sextoy (and me too for a minute) to mean that the harassment victim has to serve the stalker.

As you know, "personal service" means to hand the papers directly to the person being served, not by a party to the action, but by a neutral third party such as a Marshal or professional process server, or even a friend.

The other means of serving documents is by "substituted service", by mail, by posting on the person's door or at the Courthouse, or by publishing in a newspaper where applicable.

Levendi is right on---and so are some of the rest of you.  A restraining order is no guarantee of anything and neither is doing nothing. The RO is something traceable if you should turn up seriously injured or dead.  For the most part our immediate families no not what we do.  This is a step to give direction as to what happened.  If you know the persons name you might try to find out if he has any criminal history or might even be on probation or parole.  Amazing power probation and parole officers have to impact individuals that don't want to go back to jail. I highly recommend Privacy Manager through PacBell.  It costs about $4 per month but will allow you to know who is calling and block unwanted phone calls. This feature would keep you from having to change your number.  Changing phone numbers is a pain as you lose business and it time consuming to try to reach clients and apprise them of the change. Levendi ---your loved by we ladies for helping with legal questions--and personally knowing you has been a plus in my life.

lighten up Heather. LOL Very cool... do laundry! Yeah! All he has in too much pent up energy. Put him to good use!

You are correct Papasan and my apologies for the error in my sentence structure.  I guess that's what happens when you are having cocktails and playing on the board at the same time.  I guess my main shortcoming is not expressing the TRO/RO process in more detail.  I have seen many violators of these orders jailed and the process is not as useless as some believe.  I tend to shy away from advice that requires the provider to solicit a crime (i.e. a visit from Bubba) because I believe it is the wrong road to travel.  If there is one thing that sextoy and I agree on is that the legal system does suck.  Not because the laws are not there but because it has become too large of an animal which is out of control and not accessible enough for these situations.  It's a shame that we have to commit larger crimes in order for the police to notice BUT I still think that abiding within the rules of the system is the way to go.  Hell, if we really want to get rid of the guy, there are ways to do that in a permanent sense BUT the risks are high when compared to the result.  Police work today is different in that it is quantitative in nature.  The more contacts or incidents involving LE, the higher the budget for the next year.  Restraining orders are not ignored.  It may take awhile to get the guy's attention but they are the next best thing to taking the law into your own hands.  Sorry for the misunderstanding on service of the individual and thanks for clearing it up.  Now, where's my cocktail? Regards, levendi

Now you see!!!! That's what happens when we stop with the legal bullshit and use common sense!!! Having had to experience Privacy manager on several occasions, it is a highly effective tool to work with.  I don't know if Rachel's building is monitored with heightened security measures but it is almost imperative for a provider to live in this type of a building for a number of reasons.  The two most important being impairing the right of easy access for both stalkers and LE.  As for you Cheridan, it's my pleasure to be of service and it's nice to see you actively posting.  Common sense is the greatest gift that is given to us as well as the most underused.  Hugs to you, levendi

I'm speeking from experience, are you?? I'd rather error on the side of being safe..

If a "Big Bubba" friend talks to this guy and it esclates into something else, then suspicions where right, he is dangerous..If nothing happens then the guy will most likely get the hint..if not then proceed with plan #2...

Hi Rachel,

I regret that someone is threatening your personal safety and privacy. I know how uncomfortable this is and have my own opinions on it. Since I was brought up in a basically (you dont call the cops for ANY reason) household, I had to be a little more creative. I would suggest you arm yourself with some sort of personal saftey deterants..i.e. weapon. Maybe you have a friend of a friend that wouldnt mind getting out his cage for an evening of watching a movie at your house while he kindly explains to your admirer that you are his new girlfriend. Anyway, you get the idea. I guess Im lucky...Im a pretty big chick (5 feet 10 inches) and a guy certainly thinks twice before accousting me. I dont suggest involving the law unless you are absolutely in fear of your safety. Otherwise, just get a crazed look in your eye the next time he knocks on your door. Open the door with a bat in your hand and camoflage paint on your face. Tell him that your new name is Psycho Provider FRom Hell... Good Luck Honey!

xoxoxoxox
Carol

I want you two gentleman to know that after reading all the posting from your two and knowing you both as client and free advisor......I cried. You both have a special gift that most of us do not have. I did not find the negative chat between you two amusing. Because I care about you both.

Do I need to send you guys something special in a private email.
I think I will.........



-- Modified on 3/14/2002 11:17:29 PM

Read "THE GIFT OF FEAR" OR CALL GDBINC.

Sorry for making you cry. I get upset when someone gives bad legal advice.I only want everyone to safely enjoy the hobbie. That means that the providers should be able to live thier lives as they wish. They should be able to keep both a business and private life.

I have a real problem with stalkers. I was stalked several years ago and am forced to continue to look over my shoulder. A provider friend of mine was stalked by an ex-boyfriend. I got to re-live the TRO-RO system. i got to deal with LE for over 3 months. The suspect is in jail but not for the 100plus RO violations. Yes he called, visited, harrased and followed. We have taped conversations,  video of him violating the RO and signed witteness statements- yet no arrest. The system in california is week.

So I appologize for making you cry. I am not sorry for telling it as i see it. Levy needs to re-visit his/her law books. I have done the reasearch, read the lawss and know this topic well.