Have yet to meet someone whose life was perfect. Hobby or otherwise.....
I'm interested in the line between civvie and work related relationships. I was surprised in a previous post to read that several providers had a relatively low number of civvie sex partners.
So I got to thinking, what are the providers private lives like...in particular; providers married/dating?
Honest with the SO about providing?
Who knows you provide among family and friends, etc..?
Completely understanding posting under aliases ladies...this could have an impact on current and future clients...and it is your "private" life after all...but I'm curious!
...and I feel blessed to have parents who are understanding and concerned for me. I got started in the adult world so to speak when I began posing for men's magazines like Hustler shortly after college ( made a lot more money in one day than I ever did in one summer at the mall) , doing some more modeling work for seven other magazines and then branching off into a few adult videos.
That was when escorting for a high-end elite agency began, and I told my parents about everything...I did this because I wouldn't want to ever lie to them about where I was or where I was going. They'd be heartbroken if they had to find out I was a provider if something had happened to me. Honesty between my folks has always been a godsend.
Men, I have dated outside of escorting...well, I cannot lie here either and lead a double life.I simply don't date men outside the business. All my past boyfriends with one exception have been clients....and I was the one to approach them about the possibility of a relationship if they were comfortable with it. Since they were all single men and hadn't been with women in relationships with them, they were happy enough to want to date me, without the money issue. I just want to have real fun sex with them and build a different emotional bond with them than when we were simply client and escort. One of them I actually married, but when he lost his job he began to resent me and started berating me about being a whore or whatever because it blew his ego that I had to once again go back to doing it. I left after six months because he neither got a job again and made ME feel like a dirty whore. So I left and that was the best thing I did.
My friends know....provider friends of course, and one other gal who doesn't, and they're fascinated with my lifestyle. " How can you sleep with men that are ugly?" Well most of the men are NOT ugly and I often do have some kind of sexual rapport with them. If I can make the client feel good,relaxed and be nice to him, then I've feel I did a good deed. I love making my clients genuinely laugh and have a good time with me, orgasms and all.
No matter how tempting sometimes, these relationships never end well.
Dating someone and hiding this life from them is not really doable either. At least for me. Most of my appointments include extended dates and it would get complicated very soon.
So I personally made a decision to put my personal life on hold untill I retire.
Lina
I never thought about the scheduling issues!
Now that I've seen two radically different responses it makes the choice to "provide" even more interesting. Not only do providers have to deal with the moral, ethical, and societal views but in a lot of cases they may chose to put their "personal lives on hold" too...
I just received request for dinner date tomorrow night.
While I have no problem telling my friends that I have to cancel plans to hang out with them because I have "blind date" (my standard excuse is that I go on a lot of internet blind dates lol), it would be hard to explain to SO why I have to be elswhere between hours of 8 and 12 on saturday night.
Lina
explaining to an SO that you have to work should be much easier if he already knows what you do.
As far as "ending badly", obviously ever one of my relationships with providers (and civvies) has ended eventually. I have found my breakups with providers were much less drama filled, and a much higher percentage of them have remained friendes, some for many years, than I have experienced with "civvie" GF's.
...I've remained friends with civilian boyfriends. It's like I said in my post, I cannot LIE or hide what I do from men that I feel are potential dates ( civilian men). A guy once found out what I did when he saw one of my ads and he was furious.
The disadvantage of dating a client is that well, sometimes I sit there and think, how much money could I be making right now if he was still a client? How much is four hours going to cost me LOLOL? Ironically, while I even married one of my clients, that was never an issue. He wasn't rich, and we shared the bills. It was only after he lost his job and I had to go back to whoring, and that was when he became extremely resentful of my work. Ironically because this is how we met! He said, "Well, when I first met you, I didn't love you then, so what you did didn't bother me." Well, um, so now, it suddenly does now that you have to RELY on MY income that I GET from being with different men? The bills are now all paid by me! I think he got emasculated for the most part because now I had to go out and work as a 'whore' again and he never failed to remind me of it.
Which is why I left him about two months. Because of his foul language and his constant berating of my profession "whore, slut, dirty cunt....I had to get postal on him and I left with all my belongings and moved back to california, divorced, and then rejoined my elite escort service, where I became the top escort with earnings well into the six figures, There were three wealthy men who know nothing about each other who I saw three times a week. The enrire year in 1997, I had an orthopedic surgeon in love with me, a vitamin supplement president in love with me, and an investment banker interestd in marriage. I turned then all down, cuz I want to make my own money and get my own things.
If I were a VIP member I would create an alias for this one but since I am not I will put this caveat on here first. WHAT I AM REFERRING TO DOES NOT INVOLVE ANY OF THE LADIES I HAVE REVIEWED.
At different times I have lightly dated three ladies in the business. All three introduced me to their friends and in two cases to their parents. One mother knew what she did, the other parents did not. None of the three escorted as their main income and all said they intended to quit if they ever found someone they got engaged to. I know in one case that happened and I went to their wedding.
Most married ladies I know of do this with their husband’s knowledge and at least his acceptance if not happiness about it. Often he is unable to find a job or has a poor paying one so they need the income. More ladies are married or have SOs than most clients suspect or want to know.
From what I have observed the question of whether and when to tell a date about escorting is one without a good answer. I have been a sounding board to some ladies about this when they thought they found That Guy. As a general rule only—and only for the few ladies I am close enough to that we talked about it—telling a man early on was better than telling him later. It chased some men away but better she know that early on rather than later. It brought out the worst in a few men, again better to know that about him right away.
Just one more log for the mental fire.
"Most married ladies I know of do this with their husband’s knowledge and at least his acceptance if not happiness about it. Often he is unable to find a job or has a poor paying one so they need the income. More ladies are married or have SOs than most clients suspect or want to know.
"
so what distinguish a Husband who as you said benefit from her and a pimp???
I am a single provider who does not date clients, I have very few personal play partners. I've just come out of a 3-4 year period of not dating in my personal life, I had a lot of introspection to do around what relationships are, how we do them, what is important to me, etc. It was nice to have an outlet for my physical needs and desire for connection while I sorted things out in my mind.
I've recently started dating again. This work has caused me to be extremely selective about who I choose to share my valuable free time with. If I just want an unattached good time, I work. In my personal life there has to be much more on the table. It's not fair but I admit to thoughts such as, "A client would be paying me $1,000 for this dinner. What are YOU offering?" It needs to be more valuable to than cash, or it's a waste of my time, and I need to see it quickly or I simply lose interest.
It seems best when I date men I've met through my existing friends since that usually guarantees that they are interesting people, I've heard something about them already that caught my fancy, and there is usually something in common to talk about. Since I am open with my family and friends (at least about Tantra and hands-on sexuality education) they usually have heard something about me and have an idea of my work up front.
Even the, I need to dance around what time is most appropriate to disclose fully about my work. Usually it feel right only if I've decided that I'm interested in having sex with them, and even then, I'll often hold back my website identity and details. However I'm pretty blunt about it when I do throw it out there with comments such as - "Do you realize that I work a whore?" I don't want someone to use that as a weapon against me in the future, so I self-identify and define the term up front.
At this point in my life, my personal goals and the work supporting them come first. It takes a very understanding, patient, and flexible man to accept not only what I do in my professional life, but also to accept that I often will reschedule personal plans because of work.
It's not easy dating as a provider, no matter how you go about it. Hook-ups are easy, but dating? I simply won't get involved with someone who isn't coming into relationship to me with their eyes wide open. In any relationship that I have (romantic or not) being fully honest, communicating clearly, relating with integrity, making conscious choices, and holding mutual respect are vital. It takes some time to establish all of that and I'm a slow dater, measured, cautious.
How often after an only so-so civvie date providers think to themselves, I should have just gone to work . . .
-tessen
When on a normal date, and I had the chance to work at the same time and its lame I totally think, Should have worked!
wow! no pressure there. Here comes the funcooker! Seriously though, informative, well thought out post.
If a man is threatened by this work and doesn't feel he has intangibles greater than money to offer, he should not be dating a provider.
.02
If a man is hung up on his sexual prowess, (or lack thereof) and as you said, feels that he only has money to offer, he won't fare well entering into a relationship with a provider.
No shit! That was well put together! Personally I don't think I could ever date a provider based on the exact thing you put out there...everytime I was with her I'd be thinking to myself...I have to make this good, she could be making $xxxx doing this somewhere else.
No dating or civie sex as long as I am a provider. Besides, the sex I have as a provider is way better than any civie sex I ever had! And most of my friends and family would never guess that I am a provider.
Tried dating a client once, it just didn't work, he is a great guy and we are good friends now but asking any guy to put up with me having sex with other men is just not fair, IMHO.
It's gone through phases. When I started I had a lot of stuff I needed to work through in terms of self care and being really clear about not using time with clients to fulfill my own needs.
In my personal life I've been polyamorous for quite some time. It does make it easier to find partners in real life that are not so fazed by what I do. Yes I am dating right now and yes he knows. Both of them.
My family does not know what I do. They wouldn't even come close to understanding. Besides, they don't play a large role in my life. All my friends know what I do and I'm quite open about it.
theirs are just as or more screwed up than ours. Makes the biz easier when you and the client have something in common! 
Have yet to meet someone whose life was perfect. Hobby or otherwise.....
My life is I'm 21, have a four year old. Live alone, in a nice place. Date mostly people I meet on the job as its easiest usually. If they understand that you are just at work when taking appointments during your relationship. My problem I run into is meeting them on the job and totally amazing them during the first appointment and there is a great connection some will seem to feel that I was just "working" that night or that while im "working" when we are together that im getting those connections with another. Some of my family knows, some do not. I won't lie I have been with a guy, then met another on the job who I liked and connected with more and ended it with other guy because of those feelings.
Trying to have a relationship while providing doesn't work for me.
I had a relationship. I was with a man for over ten years on and off. When I told him I wanted to be an escort, he encouraged me. But then things turned ugly. He would start to call me "you fucking hooker!" The thing he supported became the thing he used to put me down. After moving on from him, I started to fall for a client. I wasn't used to someone treating me as well as my client did. But then I decided it would be a bad idea to date a client. I've decided that I need to focus on me and my worth before getting into another engagement. Besides he is a client, and truthfully without the envelope I wouldn’t want him around. Also, I can't imagine telling another potential boyfriend what I do. Most likely he will use the fact to abuse me later on. Or he'll try to take some of my money. Or he'll be insecure about it and act out because of that. I don't think most men can handle their girlfriend having sex with different men for a living. It just isn't possible in most cases. And from my experience it only causes the worst headache and relationship problems. It can turn a man psycho on you. So until I am out of this line of work, I will not date in my personal life. I can't deal with it. And I do get lonely and cry sometimes, because sometimes you want someone to hold you at night and it doesn't include an envelope, but real love. But it’s just not possible for me to have a relationship while I’m an escort, and I enjoy my line of work.
My family knows what I do and they support me. They will not hold what I do against me or use it as an abuse tactic down the line. So for now they are all I need.
Hey i can understand where you are coming from.. not to long ago.. one of my regular dates offered to move me and my younger son when he was 16 to IL .. little did i know he was gonna give me $xxx a week as an allowance and driving privileges of his car etc. as long as i didnt escort.He even offered to pay for my college education.. well that didnt run past me that well,i like being independent. Around March of this same hobbyist wanted me to totally quit, I told him sure when i find a real full time job paying me a good salary and i will.. I dropped my one site down and well after 3 weeks of looking for employment said SCREW that and came back..
As for dating? i was seeing a guy but he had a big problem i can deal with hearing i love you 1-2x a day but not 15-25 million times a day.. You can only deal with so much of that.. plus he drank everyday too .. i cant deal with alcoholics either.. told him to hit the road.. ..
A few friends of mine know what i do to make ends meet and the younger son knows and we dont discuss it..
SweetPeach
I am always honest with anyone I date beyond a month about being a provider. However, at the same time, I don't really date. I have absolutely no real desire for a typical boyfriend.
I guess I'm an exception because of my Mistress arrangements. I have two friends who I am very attracted to, care for deeply. We have found a balance that means I don't have to be a provider with them, and they have embraced me into their personal lives. I have also introduced them to my personal life.
So I get a lot of fulfillment from that. And they take up a lot of my time. I don't feel lonely. If I need someone to talk to, I can call them. If I'm having a hard time, they're there for me in friendship.
One relative knows I currently provide. My closest friends know I provide though the others do not. None of my day job work associates know I provide. I consider this information as private as the information I have about my sex life with my SO. I don't talk about bedroom issues with my SO with just anyone, and I don't do it with being a provider either. What goes on in my bed is no one's rightful business unless I feel comfortable sharing it. Most people are private about their sex lives, as it should be.
Outside of being a provider I've slept with less then 5 people...
I have been providing for about 2 years. I have children and bills and my industry from past has dropped off so far that I had to find a way to make income. I still work my other industry but don't make enough so I provide. Most of my friends and work associates have no idea. My family knows and my hair lady knows. I kind of lead a double life. As far as dating goes, and in my personal life, I am extremly guarded and picky. I have had one husband and one boyfriend.
My standards as a person are quite high, I never bring anyone home and have never since like college had a one night stand. I dont expose my kids to men moving in and moving out-in fact I have not even had a date over with the exception of my ex boyfriend and their dad for their entire life. I don't really date "real" people right now. On occaission I have sex or just hang out with my ex boyfriend to feel regular. He knows what I do and does not like it but he cannot support me. I have had many clients try and change the situation to a real relationship and become friendly. I have tried a bit to explore a couple of those, but it so far has not really worked out. I am not available enough and they do end up getting pissy and jealous even when they think that they won't. I usually back off and end up telling them that they need to get a real girlfriend. I am the in between girl for some of those guys. I get plenty of sexual and physical gratification in the job and even a fair amount of conversation. I am so busy that I am not really lonely right now. I think for me while doing this I cannot really have a relationship as for me it would bother me, and I think it would bother me if a mate was okay with it. So that is my answer in a nutshell!
my house is the neighborhood gathering place for all the kids. No one knows what I do to support my family. I go to school and lead a relatively normal life. No SO to worry about. I have a friend that knows what to do if something happens to me. It does, however, feel like I lead 2 completely separate lives. It is stressful and hard to deal with at times, but this is the situation I put myself into and I handle it pretty well. I do not plan to be here for much longer. When I get out of school I am done. In the meantime, I am making the best of things and having as much fun as possible.
xoxoxox
Up until recently, I didnt know my younger son who is 20 knew i was a provider. He refers to my hobbyist friends as my Men Friends.. we don't discuss my personal life period. As for my older children, they have no clue.. As for my close friends well there are 3 that know what i do and we dont talk about it.. In my book, less ya know the better.
SweetPeach