True Story:
Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global
Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater
repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an
e-mail he sent to his sister. She sent it to
Laughline and won the contest (he wasn't thrilled
with her for that one). Anyway,anytime you think you
have had a bad day at the office, remember this guy.
April 1998
Hi, Sue,
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know
you've been feeling down lately at work,so I thought
I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize
it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what
happened to me, I first must bore you with a few
technicalities of my job. This time of year the water
is quite cool, even with a wet suit. So what we do to
keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial
water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the
water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful
temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a
garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this
sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several
times with no complaints. What I do,when I get to the
bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff
it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit
with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my
ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.
This only made things worse.! Within a few seconds my
ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my
back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized
what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up
a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even
worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast.
Now I had that hose down my
back.I don't have any hair on my back, so the
jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack
was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought
was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish
into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my
dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were
unclear due to the fact that he,along with 5 other
divers, were laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I
aborted the dive.
It totaled 35 minutes before I could come to the
surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to
the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My
suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on
board the medic, with tears of laughter running down
his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to
shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The
cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two
days because my asshole was swollen shut.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the
office, think of me.Think about how much worse your
day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up
your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office.
But if you do, I hope this will make it more
tolerable.
=====
-xxxxxxxxx-, esquire
__________________________________________________

Hey, don't blame me, she's the one who brought it up!  LOL

I can almost relate though.  One time last year I was riding my motorcycle, stopped for brunch per usual with my riding buddies at our favorite outdoor terrace cafe.  Set my helmet and jacket down on a bench under a big oak tree.  When I got underway, I realized I had a helmet full of ants and they were crawling out of the lining and all over my  head, biting the sh*t out of me in the process.  They were after the smashed bugs on the helmet and my bald, but beautiful head (thanks HB, even if it is BS) was just getting in the way of their lunch.  

Still, it's no worse than the semi-annual hornet or wasp that gets blasted down your back at high speed (from the forward leaning riding postion) and then tries to bite his way out of your jacket as its last act before dying.  If you see a motorcyclist going down the road hitting himself, this is what he's doing.

or ants on my head (ugh!), I thought I'd share it anyway.

I used to perform in Disneyland's Christmas Parade, and the first year I did it, I was a dancing Christmas Tree (not a great part, but, hey, I was 16 and blew the first couple of seconds of the audition combination, and I wanted a part so badly I would have swept up horse poo, if that's what they had offered me).

Anyway, we wore these heavy, tiered Christmas tree costumes that had to be lowered onto our shoulders with a pully, then secured with straps around our waists.  To get out of the costumes, they used the pully to lift the trees off of us.  To make the trees light up, we first strapped battery packs around our waists.

One night, a few minutes before I reached the end of the parade route, I felt my lower back getting REALLY hot, and I realized my battery pack was overheated.  My back was burning hot, and I feared I was about to catch on fire!  I couldn't get the strap undone and felt sorta panicky.  The music was blaring and no one could see my face or arms, so I tried to sort of bounce to get a Parade Supervisor's attention.  I didn't think she noticed me, so I hurried to the gate that led backstage.  There, just inside, some costume guys were waiting for me, and they lifted the tree off.  The supervisor had noticed my distress and called ahead on her walkie-talkie.  I ripped off the straps and dropped the battery pack, which steamed in a puddle of water.  They said they were impressed with my cool-headedness.  Ha!  I was about to cry!  

BTW, I find bald men, who don't try to hide it, sexy.  Just cut it short or shave it.  They look confident, and that's sexy!




-- Modified on 8/10/2001 3:34:45 AM