True Story:
Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global
Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater
repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an
e-mail he sent to his sister. She sent it to
Laughline and won the contest (he wasn't thrilled
with her for that one). Anyway,anytime you think you
have had a bad day at the office, remember this guy.
April 1998
Hi, Sue,
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know
you've been feeling down lately at work,so I thought
I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize
it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what
happened to me, I first must bore you with a few
technicalities of my job. This time of year the water
is quite cool, even with a wet suit. So what we do to
keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial
water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the
water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful
temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a
garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this
sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several
times with no complaints. What I do,when I get to the
bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff
it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit
with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my
ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.
This only made things worse.! Within a few seconds my
ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my
back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized
what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up
a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even
worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast.
Now I had that hose down my
back.I don't have any hair on my back, so the
jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack
was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought
was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish
into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my
dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were
unclear due to the fact that he,along with 5 other
divers, were laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I
aborted the dive.
It totaled 35 minutes before I could come to the
surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to
the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My
suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on
board the medic, with tears of laughter running down
his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to
shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The
cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two
days because my asshole was swollen shut.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the
office, think of me.Think about how much worse your
day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up
your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office.
But if you do, I hope this will make it more
tolerable.
=====
-xxxxxxxxx-, esquire
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