Excuse the alias. I simply want to avoid the onslaught of insensitive PMs but wanted to discuss a serious matter.

A question for the ladies.

I happen to be on business in Europe and found myself sitting in my hotel room waiting for my dinner partners to call. While killing time, there is this documentary on the television. The subject is a teenage boy who is sexually mature but suffered spinal atrophy at a young age and essentially is a quadrapalegic at 17. Unlike the US, Europe as you know looks upon the hobby differently than the US.

I tuned into the show when they were discussing with the boy about recruiting a sex surrogate to allow him to lose his virginity with dignity. The narrator specifically explained that these ladies were not "Prostitutes" but "sex surrogates". The distinction is that they received training to deal with the disabled. The parents were fully behind this idea realizing that the boy's life was likely not to last much longer.

The story really hit home as I had the misfortune of seeing my son struck down with an illness that robbed him of that right of sexual passage that most of us enjoy as teenagers.

So the question for the ladies. Have you ever been presented with a request to perform services for someone who is severly disabled. Or, have you been requested to perform such services for a sexually mature minor with a high probability that this child would not live much longer? If so, how did you deal with it and how did it make you feel?

This documentary made me want to look up a lady for him and offer to pay the donation.

FYI: Note to staff. You can check the IP of this post and verify it was posted from an EU country. This is not intended as a joke.

This is gonna be good.

Personally I've never had to deal with something like that. And to be honest, I'm not sure I could.
But I still would like to give my opinion on an emotional level.
For most of us our first experience was either nice/romantic or traumatic. Aren't you worried of the emotional consequences of this act? Let me remind you that either you like or not, men and d women have the tendency to connect sex with feelings; ones more than another’s. Most of us, when we received love, never expected to loose it. And I have the feeling that for younger minds, sex is not only sex. There is physical contact and, although is a shallow one, there is also an emotional connection. In order to be a nice experience, at least a nice connection or sympathy, must be present.
When I was in high school, I had a classmate who was disabled (I don't know the name of his condition. Please excuse  my ignorance.) He  was in enable to  walk by  himself  and had also  some type of mental damage. He was exposed to sex in an  early  age (maybe normal a age for most of us - 16 y/o) As a result of that  experience - that  was never else repeated- he  suffered of an  awful depression and became obsessed with be subject. I remember  that  sometimes  he  used to  cry and say that he had never  felt anything similar and  would have preferred not to  experience it if  he  had known  he  was  going to suffer and miss it that much. That the  usual  rejection he  used to be  victim of on regular basis was  enough for him to  handle.
I remember receiving the  news about his death 3 years later we graduate from school; and I  always wondered if got  over it or not. Did he die in mental peace?
I'm not sure this is a similar case.

I’ve heard that for people who don’t know what they are missing, they will never miss it.

As a mom, I think that I would not like to show my son/daughter the raw side of sex with out knowing  the nice side of it   first. They and  we,  need certain emotional and mental maturity to handle it.

Just my opinion…

Sincerely,

Laura De Leon


-- Modified on 1/30/2007 5:20:52 PM

I have extensive experience working with disabled clients. There are some of us who specialize in working with people with special needs. But I think your post brings up two different issues. The first is about sex with minors. I don't feel that's appropriate, whether the person is disabled or not.

As to the second part of your post, I had an experience where the gentleman's parents were waiting when myself and a girlfriend arrived. The disabled gent had contacted us and set things up; then his parents drove him to a motel, got him a room, wheeled him in and made him comfortable, and were waiting to shake our hands when we arrived. We called them when we were through, so they could come back and bring our friend home. He really enjoyed his time with us. He was in his late 20s. My girlfriend was his regular lady. His parents called her when he died, and thanked her for all she had done for him.

His parents understood that people who are disabled are also sexual beings. That having withered legs or cerebral palsy or whatever doesn't mean that you don't have a libido.

It's interesting; only in the past 10 years or so have I started to see books about the disabled and sexuality. It's finally beginning to be accepted, which is wonderful. I am currently reading a book on sexuality and disability, called "Enabling Romance." Predictably, it recognizes that disabled men may seek the services of escorts, but it warns that it will be a "cold, meaningless experience." Funny, I don't think that's how disabled clients in my experience have viewed the encounter... but what can you expect from judgemental mainstream media?

I am currently working on putting together a website, which will be totally free to both members and escorts. The site, sugartouch.com, will help disabled clients connect with providers such as myself, who have experience in working with people with disabilities. I am hoping to do half-day workshops when I tour, connecting with women who want to learn how to work with special needs clients.

I was inspired to create this site by an Australian site, called Touching Base, http://www.touchingbase.org/ I met the people who created this site at the Desiree Alliance conference for sex workers' rights in Las Vegas last summer.

I'm hoping to get sugartouch.com up and running by the summer. The hard part is going to be finding providers who are experienced with this very special side of our craft.

Thank you for bringing up such an important topic.

xxxooo
Beverly ;-*

I am completely awed by your post. I hope our paths cross one day.

Physical deformities and other socially challenging issues have never bothered me. Providing the individual who is spending time with me is fully capable of understanding and does not have physical aliments that would endanger my health. (*I have several clients that might be shunned from the general public but if anyone is capable of looking past the physical appearance, they are wonderful people*)

As a matter of fact....…and while we are on the subject, I have a HUGE thing for SGT Bryan Anderson....… OMG he is just such a turn on! I think that he, like many individuals with physical deformities seem to radiate this appreciation for life that many people in the general population just don’t possess. (*So SGT. Bryan Anderson...… If you are reading this email me, I’ll definitely give you a “serious” discount *LOL*)

So, in answer to your question, YES, I WOULD SEE A GENTLEMAN WITH A PHYSICAL DISABILITY....… I would not have with a problem with entertaining an individual with a physical deformity.

As far as adult minors or someone who is challenged mentally....… I’d have to know the specific details and make the decision based on each individual case. I would not agree to meet with an individual who isn’t mentally aware of what was happening or who wasn’t capable of making a choice to me with me on their own. I understand that there are some issues that would require an individual to need assistance in arranging an encounter....…but, I draw the line at the individual having the mental capacity to understand what is happening.

I feel confident in stating that the established providers that I associate with would never be cold, uncaring or insensitive about such an issue. I am sure that any professional would address your concerns and would make a decision (*and be up front about it*) as to whether they feel they would have any problems in entertaining such an individual.

I like to believe that most professional ladies (*especially the educated ones*) are much more open-minded that the general community. I just feel you would be pleasantly surprised with the response that you get (*of course I might just be moving in limited circles…. So as I stated already, it is just from my own view and the impression of the providers that I associate with*)

Just my thoughts....…  Kisses ~T

This post is the most thoughtful and thought provoking that I have seen on TER.  Beverly, you are an exceptional person and I wish you luck with your very worthwhile goal.

I feel joyous when I'm able to help those with special needs, and I have a number of clients with disabilities.

I love Beverly's idea of creating a website where escorts and people with disabilities can meet up. I know of one such site in the US, but it is not well-designed or well publicized and probably gets little traffic.

I became aware that some escorts are uncomfortable serving those with special needs when a local provider shared her DNS list with me and I discovered that several of my clients with disabilities were on her do not see list.I have since discussed the issue with other providers and found that while many share the point of view of Beverly and myself, others do not.

As for serving young clients at the request of a parent, I have two concerns. First, I would never see a minor. Second, I would have to be assured that the young man was not able to make a connection on his own. I believe that when parents get involved in launching the sex lives of children it has the potential for damaging the self-confidence of the child, and the self-confidence of those with disabilities is often fragile to begin with.

Beverly,

I actually think you will find plenty of providers with experience working with disabled clients.  It comes with the territory... a lady either loves it and finds it extremely enriching, or she avoids it.  I know many of the later.
: D

Will you be announcing the new site when it is up?

xoxo,
Sola

PS, "The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability" is a much more compassionate book on this subject, and it's resource guide in the back is invaluable!

With respect to everyone on this board -
Firstly, minor is a minor, disabled or otherwise, there's no discussion to be had on that subject.

Secondly - disabled people have the same right of self determination that we all have. I can see that your intention is to help, but it does raise the self determination question.

I think it would be a grave mistake and damaging to your relationship with your son to assume that he feels that this would be  'gift'. IMHO, the best course of action you can take to help your son is to create conditions which will allow him to voice and discuss his own feelings in a comfortable atmosphere. If you are one of the few families who can speak openly about sex, then you're already most of the way there. If you don't have the openness and comfort level required, I think it would be far more productive to create them first.

Great Articles on sex and disability;

http://www.disabilitynow.org.uk/timetotalksex/index.htm  

I certainly realize that most good providers are incredible givers in general and for sure as a totally healthy person, I have been on the receiving end of that generosity.

With that being said, I still find many of your thoughts and actions on this thread to be highly commendable.  Great displays of human caring and compassion.  While it's wonderful to read that you too get something out of your acts of kindness, it cannot be easy and I'm not sure that I could do the same in a reverse type situation.    

In any case, pretty neat stuff ladies.  Good for you...

Beauty is MORE than skin deep.

Thank You

and lest we forget:

We are all only "temporarily abled".

Think about it.

Absolutely I'll be announcing when I've got the site rolling, and would be delighted to include anyone who wishes to be involved. I'm not going to be charging for advertising... I've got a friend who has donated server space, so all I have to do is cover the domain every year.

It's so wonderful to connect with providers who truly understand what all of this is about. Interested women (or even male providers, too!), please send me an email and I'll put you on my "notify" list.

I do think, however, that there's a difference between ladies who are "willing" to work with disabled clients, and those who actually have experience doing so. So I have to come up with a way to figure that out.

I mean, I know people mean well, but if someone really doesn't know what they're doing, it can end up being a negative experience for both parties involved.

I am reminded of one quadraplegic client I used to see. You had to be strong enough to lift his body from his chair, to his wheelchair, and then onto his bed. He had bowel problems, and would sometimes leave behind little "presents" for you. I don't know, for me, once you've changed diapers, it's like, "who cares?" I'd just get a paper towel and clean up his messes, no big deal.

But I can picture some ladies who "mean well" just freaking out in a similar situation. So that's kind of the quandry I'm in right now, how to say, "thank you for your willingness to help" and yet give someone a gentle reality check too.

Sorry I've babbled on again.
xxxooo
Beverly ;-*

I knew there was a site out there.

Took some searching but TA DA, I found it.

This is the perfect opportunity for willing ladies to sign up.

If compassion and sensitivity are your middle name and this is something that you would excel at then take at look at this site.

xo xo Lisa Butler

Yet, for my own reasons, I decided to go ahead with my notion of creating a similar site.

I think that the more resources we have out there, the better it is for everyone, clients and providers alike.

xxxooo
Beverly ;-*

I have been hobbying for over ten years. I have mild cerebal palsey. I have been treated well by a great majority of the providers i have seen.

Thanx to All the providers i have seen

The site is unfortunately poorly designed, cluttered and hard to figure out.  Beverly's site still ought to be a welcome addition.

But it is an avenue and related to the topic, so I felt compelled to find it.

xo Lisa

It was said that my contracture was similiar to what would happen with someone with CP, so I can only imagine what you go through on a daily basis.

xo L

Many providers do not mind servicing those with disabilities.  The problem is the clients when contacting a provider need to announce the situation beforehand. Letting the provider decide whether or not to see them. Not let it be a surprise