At 5:30 this morning I lost a very dear friend.  She had been an active provider until about 2 years ago when she removed her reviews and changed careers.  She fought a long hard battle to survive, but she finally succumbed to lymphatic cancer.  I spent the last four days of her life with her in a hospice.  I cannot describe in words the devastating effect it has had on me.  Losing a friend is one thing, but holding her hand as she slipped away is quite another.  She awoke about 2:30 this morning in excruciating pain.  The nurse gave her a hefty dose of morphine and told me she probably wouldn’t make it through the night.  I had been dosing in the chair next to her bed.  Before the morphine took full effect, she squeezed my hand slightly as though to say good bye.  I never let go of her hand and drifted off to sleep in the chair.  

When I woke up at about 5:30 this morning, I was leaning over the bed rail holding her left hand. I knew she was gone as soon as I woke by the lifeless feel of her hand.  She had lost so much weight that she was a mere shadow of herself.  Her eyes were partially open, and her lips and cheeks were sunken into the sides of her mouth.  She looked so peaceful.  I felt relieved since she had suffered so much and now it was over.  I had already made arrangements for her to be cremated and her ashes scattered at sea, so there was really nothing left for me to do.  I felt numb, almost sedated, as I sat there and reflected on my life. It was so hard to comprehend her death.  She was so young, so vibrant, so sweet, and with so much life ahead of her.  Death and dying is nothing new to me, but I have never felt like this before.  The nurse asked me if I would like to wait in the waiting room while her body was removed.  I told her I just wanted to stay until she was gone.  I sat there while the orderlies wrapped her up and wheeled her out on a gurney.

I walked out of the hospice and felt like I was leaving a movie theater in the middle of the afternoon. Everything appeared blurred, my senses were dulled and I felt like I was in slow motion.  I hadn’t eaten since the night before, yet I didn’t feel hungry or thirsty.  

Unfortunately she had no one else to be with her at the end.  She was estranged from her family and never really developed close relationships with people.  She was very independent, had a lot of pride, and never wanted to depend on anyone for anything.  She felt that dying was a personal thing and wanted no sympathy. She requested to remain anonymous in death as she did during her battle with cancer.  I respect her wish and assured her I would not reveal her identity.


-- Modified on 8/30/2004 9:09:53 PM

once told me that doing the right thing was doing the right thing when no one else was looking. I admire your nobility and compassion. For all of the stuff we hear about what bad things people do, stories like yours are never told or appreciated.

I know your heart is heavy, and your spirit is dampened, (I've been there), however you are what people should aspire to become, all things that are the best in people. Take care my friend, and God Bless.

a testiment...I'm sure,to your endearment to her.

...and what makes it all so very sad is that she was "so
young, so vibrant, so sweet, and with so much life ahead of her."

Life is so prescious.
Its very difficult to understand why one person with such great qualities can be taken by angels so suddenly.
God bless her...and also you for being a caring friend.

........I'd Walk Right Up To Heaven & Bring You Home Again.




My deepest condolences. You've done the hardest thing most of us will ever have to do. Sit by and know you are helpless to change the outcome.

She is in a better place now.

-- Modified on 8/30/2004 9:53:13 PM

Your post reminded me of something I read a long time ago and then saw it again today. May you find solace in your memories....



"Dry your tears of sorrow for I am not far away.
I'll be waiting til' your called to join me one fine day.
May you feel my presence in the memories that we both hold dear,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand and keep you ever near.
Hold on to these precious times, be thankful for the love,
and don't forget that the eyes of your beloved friend, shine on you from above."


My best to you in your grief my friend,

Lass

she was estranged from her family.  How horrific.  she had a family and could not let them in.  Was it because she felt that her work as a provider was so awfully condemning?  How painful  How very very painful.  So perhaps you may have no idea how much from that aspect you meant to her.  Or maybe your really really do.

Know that when "people say" (especially on this board) that providers and clients cant be friends (don't know if you were HER client, you didn't say), and that it's only all about the money, that some of us, and you know better.

Be good to you now.  Your kindness and openess to such is heartening to those of us who feel abandoned because of our profession.

XoXo



-- Modified on 8/30/2004 11:50:30 PM

You are truly a gentleman.....what a wonderful lady she must have been to have you as her friend. Her essence and spirit will remain with you forever. It's not the end.....love continues on and on.

and your friend.  I was with my father when he died.  He was fortunate in that he did not die a long and painful death.  It was hard for me to see this once tough 5'7" giant of man turn so frail in his last years.  But I'm sure that my dad like your friend appreciated your love and understanding.  Again God Bless.

Any person would be lucky to have you as a friend.  I'm very sorry for your loss.  It's difficult and takes time, I've been there.

If it weren't for you, I don't think she would have had anyone to hold her hand as she was passing.  Thank God she met you.

May love be with you every day of your life.  You deserve it!

May God rest her soul and comfort your's as well.

   FR.

Thank you for sharing. A beautiful story.

I was there two years ago. I will carry that gift with me forever.

What you both gave each other was a gift that can only be given when all the veils are gone and what is left is the thin skin of humanity. Her gift to you has transformed you. You have the rest of your life to cultivate and integrate that emotion deeper into yourself and others.

post makes me think of my own life.

As a provider, it is sometimes difficult to let people get too close. It is hard to explain the hours, the phone calls, the money etc. and it is easier to keep people at a distance in order to avoid the questions and lies that could come with it. This is a conscious struggle for me and your post reminds me I should not neglet those that I love because of my lifestyle.

Thanks again.

Bella

I am so sorry for your loss Ace. Thank you for sharing this with us here. Yes sometimes there is a link between provider and hobbyist that goes so much deeper than just the business at hand. I would like to always think that for sure with myself.
We take the bond we share with one another sometimes to lightly, and we rarely reflect on how deep we can touch someone, even in a brief fleeting moment.
You gave back to her the greastest gift of your self the other day.
For someone to be at the side of a loved one at their passing is one of the greatest gifts you could ever give to them.
God Bless her and thank you Ace for being the man you are.


Kyliesd

And God has A Special Angel beside him now.
It's rare that we get to meet angels here on earth and it should be a treasure to behold forever.
As for you, Please take care of yourself in your time of grief, and always remember the good times. I hope your pain turns into good memories soon. You are a very special human being I wish you the very best and may Your angel watch over you each and every day!
Special Hugs,
Dee Taylor

You're both blessed for whatever true connection you had. The spirit lives eternal and so does that karmic connection.

Nothing Gold can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

Robert Frost

That is a very sad story.

I feel sorrow for the ordeal you've borne.  My thoughts are mostly the same as NetMichelle's, and she expressed them as well as I ever could.      

You showed your friend bravery and honor she found nowhere else by walking with her to the horizon of life to where she faded through the veil.  You're braver and more honorable than almost anyone.

Honor her by remembering most her life, not her decline and death.  Don't let your ordeal overshadow the reasons that made you love her to begin with.  You are most of what's left of her.  Her strengths are your strengths now.                

Sincerely,
Zinaval