I was in that situation and it was not good. I passed out during a session with a client and he posted about it on twitter. I was pissed but more embarrassed. I also had a client show up and walk out because he said I was too drunk. Your provider will have to make the decision on her own to quit. Be there for her but you may want to be in the background for a bit. Just remember no one ever wakes up and decides to become an addict that day. It gradually takes over who you are and what you live for until your addiction is your entire existence. We use vices to escape or not have to deal with reality. That is the hardest part about becoming sober. Accepting and liking who you are as a sober person and accepting and dealing with your current and past life. It sucks, it is painful, and it is hands down the best life decision anyone will ever do. Sober 3 years this fall and no regrets. Best of luck to you and your friend.
what would you do if your regular ATF is drinking too much that is even missing appointments?
texting just about appointment time to let you know that she can't make it.......
Totally not professional behavior.
Depending how well you know her and what your relationship with her is you can mention it to her but ultimately it's up to her. She's going to do what she wants to do and you have no control over it.
You may have to move on.
I speak from experience as one of my ATF stared using illegal drugs. I would talk to her and she would cry in my arms for 45 minutes saying that she was done only to go right back at it again. She would like and tell me she quit but it was obvious that she didn't .She ended up leaving the business as she worked for an agency and they let her go because of her unreliability.
Move on is the best advice.
When they hit the bottom, they may figure it out and come back, but don't count on it.
Just like it's not her job to "fix" personal issues of her clients.
I also suggest you move on.
Life is good
The Cat
Since you've said she's your ATF and a regular, that understandably makes this kind of decision even more difficult. You have far more insight into the nuances of the situation than any of us possibly could. Ultimately, it comes down to whether you believe she's still worth the investment of both money and time, because that's not something anyone else can truly determine for you.
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One possible approach might be to take a "middle of the road" route. Rather than ending things outright, perhaps step back from being a regular for a while and give her (and yourself) a break for a few months. At that point, see how you feel about the sitch, and then reevaluate with a clearer perspective that only time and distance can provide.
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Beyond that, the only real options are to maintain the status quo or cut ties, imo.
I was close to two people one with drug addiction the other gambling. It’s horrible. Since you’re only doing business with this person it should be easier.
Since she's your ATF, I imagine that there's a connection beyond surface interactions? If that's the case, I'd simply check in ask if everything is alright and be prepared to listen without judgment. I'm sure she'd appreciate the genuine concern. However, lack of professionalism is a good reason to begin seeking another.
Regarding the outcome of "checking in" with her, that is. It is possible she may interpret that gesture as the OPs sincere concern, which would be awesome. However, she could equally perceive it as an overstepping of boundaries. Additionally, she may not recognize that she has an issue at all, or may not view it with the same level of concern as the OP does.
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That said, in support of your point, it seems the relationship may be nearing its end regardless. If that is the case, he can at least take comfort in knowing that by "checking in," as you stated, he demonstrated care and made a genuine, last ditch effort with her.
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As you can probably tell, I find myself majorly conflicted about the best way to proceed here. lol. So much depends on so many unknowables. The regularity of their visits, along with him labelling her his ATF, certainly compounds things.
Good post! You've definitely taken the high road.
Being a compassionate human never hurts!
Thank you. We’re all just trying to do the best we can and I think it’s the best way to treat others.
Since you didn't mention that she has confided in any personal problems that she is dealing with it doesn't sound like she considers you a close enough friend to share hardship with. Trying to intervene is likely not going to work, and only make things worse for both of you.
If you excuse her behavior and continue to see her, you’re only enabling her substance abuse. What she needs is to be cut off, and know the reason for it. Wish her the best and hope to see her when she’s sober.
Like others, I’m out. I’m not seeing an escort for her personal issues to become my problem. I may feel bad for her, but see nothing good in me getting caught in her alcoholism.
Then I'm not going to give her money. It's pretty simple.
If I'm on very good terms with her and consider myself a close client (which is like one out of 100 girls so very rare) I might try to see very carefully if she wants external help/support.
But at the end of the day youre probably better off just finding someone else. It's not the customers problem to solve, ever. I fact, it doesn't matter what the reason is. If she keeps canceling appointments late, it's probably not a business you want to give money to unless she's so good you don't care about frequent flaking.
and the problem is interfering with her ability to manage her life, tell her she has a problem and she needs to get help -- AA, a rehab facility, a doctor. You may want to give her a number or some literature, say, from AA.
Then tell her that you won't be seeing her until she's gotten help and can come back to you and has 90 days' sobriety.
And at that point, it's not your problem. Don't interact with her until she says she's got the 90 days. She will have to decide how to manage her life.
I was in that situation and it was not good. I passed out during a session with a client and he posted about it on twitter. I was pissed but more embarrassed. I also had a client show up and walk out because he said I was too drunk. Your provider will have to make the decision on her own to quit. Be there for her but you may want to be in the background for a bit. Just remember no one ever wakes up and decides to become an addict that day. It gradually takes over who you are and what you live for until your addiction is your entire existence. We use vices to escape or not have to deal with reality. That is the hardest part about becoming sober. Accepting and liking who you are as a sober person and accepting and dealing with your current and past life. It sucks, it is painful, and it is hands down the best life decision anyone will ever do. Sober 3 years this fall and no regrets. Best of luck to you and your friend.
Just because she's texting you last minute to cancel may not mean that she's a lush.
But let say she's a heavy drinker and its the cause of her canceling on you. My advise..
Drop kick her like a bad habit. If she's doing this to you then she's doing it to others and I'm sure she's heard it all before.
In this case you can't fix what's broken, it'll take a a stronger power then you to get through to her, if she is a lush.
Yes I seen her so hangover that I just feel sorry for her.
remind her that you prepaid the next four appointments the last time you were there.
Oh and don’t forget to bring her favorite beverage of choice..
If it's just transactional relationship where you are just paying for time to have sex, then drop her and move on.. You are not her parent, friend or a significant other. You are just a John who pays for her time..
If you have developed some friendship then you can try talking.. But some of these gals can't be saved from themselves and their self destructing habits.. If she wants to destroy herself, then let her be.. You don't need to go down in flames with her or for her.
Likely not to get any better......move on......no time to start Saving Souls !! And Keep Smiling.....a gal I really have enjoyed seeing over the past several years has gotten to where she will text me to set up a session.....then goes dark....! (I get it)!
Difficult situation. I myself have been in recovery for more than 2 decades, thank God, and I started this pursuit of ours when I still was drinking. Depending on the level of intimacy, I might suggest she go to a meeting with me and see where it goes from there. Otherwise, I think you have to walk away. A few years back, I engaged a favorite of mine to come over with a friend of hers for a threesome. The favorite showed up so drunk it was a total turnoff. I did manage to finish with her friend but I told her I was really worried about my pal. Never saw her again and within a few months I got word that she had died. It's a terrible disease.
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Have a few sessions with her at 10 or 11 in the morning! If she can’t perform at that hour, move on!
Unfortunately ive seen this a couple times over the years. Currently am dealing with that with a certain anal queen that loves her hotel living...the drinks kept coming earlier and earlier, until she started lapsing on appt times and service got sloppy.
Years ago i dealt with a provider that was a porn star that went downhill fast from using too much blow and eventually getting into ice. My final straw was when the dealer/bf was waiting in living room when you walk in.
Not seeing anyone who is high or intoxicated. Too much risk,drama - the possibility of having to deal with paramedics, police,hotel staff...or she can even die.
Alcoholics Anonymous works, if you work it.
NO ONE stops addictive behavior until THEY have had enough. I've heard of people that "discovered" AA's Big Book in their house/room..... and it may take a while, but that first exposure leads them to meetings, and meetings often lead to long term sobriety.
BUT, forcibly taking it upon yourself to fix her will only piss her off. Best you can do is a gentle push, and offer support AFTER she sincerely shows the desire and effort.
I've often heard in AA meetings, "I had to receive the gift of desperation".
Good Luck