This may be a bit off topic, but I have noone else to turn to, and  figured the members of this forum may have dealt with similar issues before. So here is the situation I'm in.

While out of town on a business trip and after spending an evening together, a married co-worker of mine, who is about ten years older than I, reveals what strong feelings she has for me. I really enjoy her company and affection, but have trouble with the married co-worker part. (I am single, unattached for the record)

Fortunately, we didn't take things too far the other night, just a lot of cuddling and passionate kissing before I returned to my own room, alone. However, now that we are certain how the other feels, it is a bit strange or awkward around the office to even work together. I feel like if I say or do anything else, I will just make matters worse for her.

Nothing like this has ever happened to me, so if anyone has any advice on how to deal with it, I would appreciate your thoughts and ideas. best regards, mr.man      

Never dip your pin in company ink.

Run, I repeat, Run, do not walk, as fast as you can in the other direction. You have nothing to gain and a lot to lose.

Even though it might be fun, the co-worker part (even if she was not married BTW), would make life more miserable.  Of course it depends on how closely you work in the company, and how large a company it is.  But the fact that she is married, and if you see each other each and every day, then I would stay away simply because you never know what can happen.

Also keep in mind that anything that is sent within a company (either to websites or email) is not private, so any electronic messages sent to each other will be archived, and could end up anybodies desk printed out for all to see.  Anything you type/write in a computer should be considered accessable by everybody.

Eventually everybody will find out anyways, so either do not start, or tell everybody what is going on, because they will know anyways.  Little slip-ups happen.


-- Modified on 11/26/2003 11:28:21 AM

because that's what your gambling with.

   Cm

If she weren't married, I'd have a different opinion, but married? Nope. Let it go.

Every relationship I've had since my divorce 13 years ago, including the one I have now, began at work - after all, that's where I was ALL the time.

Even though it wasn't a problem for me (maybe it's the 'kind' of relationship?), I wouldn't advise it.

I did the married coworker thing, a long long time ago.  We decided, oh so rationally and maturely, to draw a line and not cross it.  Then we crossed it.  Then we realized we had to stop.  Then we resumed.  Then we said, "No, no, no!" followed by, "Yes yes yes!"  We did all the stuff you're not supposed to: sneaky(*) gropes and kisses while no one was watching, sex in the office after hours, etc.

We couldn't keep our hands off each other until we no longer worked together.  Then, once we stopped seeing each other at work every day, we both suddenly lost interest.

(*) We THOUGHT we were being sneaky.  Actually, later I learned that just about everyone in the office knew about it.

never shit where you eat!

Mel

-- Modified on 11/26/2003 9:08:37 AM

I've had relationships before at work, and they are both good and bad.... as long as you can deal with it. The secret looks, and private emails are kind of fun, as long as you can still do your job. Eventually, it starts messing with your head, so have you to be prepared for that. The fact that she's married means you have to keep it hidden, and again, that will eventually start messing with you (when you start to have strong feelings for her).

If you don't want to take the bad with the good, then don't persue it any farther... and you must TELL HER so. Don't leave her guessing either way. Otherwise, have a little fun, start drinking, and realize that it will probably not be anything more than a fling.

First off.... never again acknowledge the kiss. That was incredibly careless of you.

Treat her with respect and courtesy at all times. NO Body Contact. Do not reach out and touch her hand or forearm. Don't bump shoulders or do any of the usual body language flirting stuff. Keep rigid control of flirting of any kind.

Pretend it never happened. You are a guy... this should come naturally....

NEVER EVER NEVER create sexual relationships with people you work with. If for no other reason, you can be personally sued for sexual harassment and your company can be sued and you lose your job and possibly carreer.

I've been in your situation before (except I was married and she was not) and in fact pursued it.  Here is what happened:

-- Even tho my lover and I thought we were SO SMART in keeping it secret, guess what?  EVERYBODY in the company knew about it and talked behind our backs.

-- There is an inevitable urge to tempt fate that leads to disaster or multiple disasters.  One of mine came when I called my lover from home and my wife picked up the extension.

-- Once it got out at work, and everyone was talking, the Company had to DO SOMETHING.  So it made up a pretext and fired her.  

--  While I didn't get fired, the affair unofficially became the "plus factor" that weighed down every other negative.  In other words, if I was in betweeen two points on a performance evaluation, it would go to the lower point.  I can easily say the affair cost me 15 percent of my compensation that year.

--  Also, the affair became the target for every other person in the company who had any negative feelings about me -- whether job related or not.  

One of the reasons many of us are in this hobby is to avoid these types of complications.  You're in the hobby -- stay in the hobby or stick to single women.  

Oh, and this is all said without touching on the other major topic:  her husband, her family, her stability, and all of their feelings.

You're right about thinking people don't know. They do. And companies have different policies (whether stated or not) about employees dating one another. It's one thing to openly date, and quite another to have an affair (particularly when one is married).

At my work there were actually several married couples within the company, which was allowed, as long as they were in different departments.

I have seen the scenarios you've written about many times. Interesting how often the one who gets fired is 'her'. This happened to one sister of mine, in fact.

So, when you add up all the 'pros' (sheer fun) and all the 'cons', I think Mr. Man has his answer..

Oh you guys are so full of shit.  You would F#%@ her in a heart beat.  Sure they speak logically as long as they do not have the T&A in there face.  Let the truth be told 99% of us would bang her till the cows come home.

I have seen that and ALWAYS have I seen it cause serious problems. Never have I saw it work without huge problems down the road.  I don't care how hot she is, unless you plan on changing employerss soon it AIN'T worth it.

Man... people are really opinionated and hardcore on this topic. I disagree with the folks that say definitely do this, or definitely do that... It's all a matter of common sense. Life is for living, not sitting on the sidelines. Do what feels right to you.

I've had TWO office affairs: (1) Whe both had SO's, and it was purely about the sex. (2) I was single, she had an SO, and it was sex + longterm possibilities.

In both cases, there were certain folks in the office that knew. I was at the Director-level of an engineering department at the time, but it didn't really bother me. Certainly noone lost their jobs. In the first case, apparently her SO was a poor lover, and she was not very experienced even though she was married with a 5 year old child. I'm not the best looking dude in the world, but I am in good shape. After our first sex encounter, she couldn't get enough of me. That was a fun time... lots of cheap motels and hot tubs. She'd never been on top (CowGirl) until she met me, can you believe that? I wound up cutting it off, because I didn't have enough energy left for my SO. No hard feelings, no problems. It was just sex. My nickname at the time, between close friends, was Mr. Bubbles. Yes, it was a very fun time!

In the second case, I was single and had the hots for our HR person. She was wild, and we had a fun time... but I was looking for a longer term relationship, and my head (the big one) started getting in the way. She wound up sticking with her boyfriend, and their was some emotional pain involved in that. She treated me like crap in the end, and I had to live with that during the work-day. But you know what, I'm a big boy, and I dealt with it.

I have no regrets in either case. In your case, you're the single person and she's married. So, odds are, shes the one just looking for sex (unless she's filling out divorse papers...). If you can't keep your emotions out of it, then don't get involved. Otherwise, if you have the hots for her, then have fun dude. However, I would definitely say DO NOT actually "do it" in the office. Get a room or whatever, but don't set yourself up to get caught in the act. Let your co-workers guess, but don't give 'em the evidence! I remember catching a couple (late one night) fucking in the men's bathroom of my first (rather large) company. They were both really embarrased, and were both married.

Oh, one final thought.... if you really do not want to get involved with her, then you need to tell her. Don't just assume that if you don't say anthing, it will go away. She'll be thinking about you...

EVeryone has really said it all but the main issues to my mind are
1)how are affecting her marriage, her husband and kids. Do you care?

2)Is there a potential for a harassment suit by either party, if so then you need to be careful.

3)I met my wife and 95% of my girlfriends in one of the places I worked mainly because I spent so much time there with peopl who had at least one thing in common with me so I don't get excited about this "don't shit where you eat".

When you meet the one, you don't always look at the baggage they bring with them but this one appears to have brought a U-Haul truck with her so I would be very, very ,very careful.

You've made it to first base Mr. Man.

...but watch you don't get thrown out stealing second.
Then again...perhaps the next batter will hit a home run.
The agony of defeat...but then maybe the thrill of victory!
Its the thrill that makes us all play this "ball game" in the first place.


Tally-Ho!

Don't shit where you eat. there are plenty of single women here in Los Angeles. Look what happend to Bill Clinton. You may get fired, her Husband could come after you with a gun ( I've seen that before) As far as the sneakyness, everybody will know, trust me, we knew all the time when people were fooling around.
All of that for a piece of ass? I don't think so. My career is so much important to me than a 30 second orgasm. I make too much money to do that. And For the record,...I'm single.  

If Kobe went to a provider, he wouldn't be in the mess he's in today.

You're single, no need to be wrecking somebody's home whether or not the other party doesn't give a shit. The world is your play ground. Get some unattached pussy or pay the hobby a visit

--PEACE OUT

...and boink her.
You're going to anyway.
Tell us how it turns out.

Sit down and dispassionately make a list. The list should have two columns: 1)Why I should pursue this; 2)Why I should NOT pursue this.  Put the list away for 48 hours, then look at it again. Do you need to add to either column? If, yes, make the changes and put it away for another 48 hours and try again. When you think your list is complete, prioritize the reasons yes/no and tally them up.

You may find that there is a reason or reasons in one of the column that count more than others. Consider that very carefully.

The list with the largest number of entries is usually the best course of action.
Good Luck

You big DOOOOFFFF
You shoulda banged her when that cuddle monkee was riding your leg.

Ok now that I pissed everyone off.. yea kinda sucks you didnt hit the homer. And yea.. work situations with people you have to see every day suck too. Ok shes married... dam 3-0 dog

See I had work place conquests and I adored them.. there was the guy in marketing who after buckets of beer and me crooning karoke I banged so hard I had to go to the chiropractor the next.
The there was the "city official" and the fire and ice ball for disney ( he was kinda but not really my boss )
And lastly one of the men who built disney who continues to be a weekly lunch date (no coffee popping there hes just into looks) I just adore him and with him running for state office here soon..hes going to need someone to hide his little.. (situations)

SO heres the devils advocate...
If you want to experience it be prepared for the consequences . If you are mature enough to enjoy it for what is was realize you had a fantastic sensual moment with a woman that needed to be appreciated and loved for that time and space. Life is too short and yes society thinks we are going straight to hell.. so why not do it with a smile on our faces.

xo
mo

In all the years that I worked for various companies I have only ever heard of one affair where everybody did not know what was going on until the couple announced their engagement.  In every other case the participants thought they were so discreet but everybody knew what was happening.

good suggestion, but she already knows better than to believe that

Thanks to everyone who read and/or responded. It was pretty clear to me with all the negative replies what I had to do.

Thankfullly, my co-worker friend made the decision for me. She came to the conclusion that what happened out of town would stay there and we would not speak of it again. She simply is not prepared for the guilt and agonizing about cheating on her husband. That is why we did not go any further when the opportunity was available. I could see she would regret it, and I have too much respect and loyalty to her to cause such pain. I care too much for her, and feel I've done enough damage already. She is very emotionally sensitive, and her sincere feelings toward me are too strong to let it just be a one time fling.

I on the other hand, now knowing what I know, must find a way to work with this person and consider all the emotions as well. I can't just pretend it never happened. I felt so good that night, when I was with her. I'm not sure how to let go of that emotion, that urge I have, to hold her, or kiss her, tell her how I really feel about her.

How does one cope with feeling one way, but acting another way towards the people you care about the most?

Happy Turkeyday and Bless you all,
mr.man (gives thanks for providers, who help me through my troubled times, their support comforts me, and yet never pass judgement on my morals or character. I am thankful for you being there for me when I need it the most.)

She'll come to her senses, sooner or later, and jump your bones.
If you don't want that to happen, you need to put distance between the two of you.

Oh, and see a skilled provider at least once per week until this feeling passes.

It's so simple.  Tell her you don't fool around with married women.  that happens to be true of plenty of people.

My best friend was fired from a very good job after his wife found out he slept with one of the other sales reps on a business tri and called the President of the company and said "What kind of company are you running?" The guy was asked to quietly resign and the female rep stayed! He hasn't been able to find a good job in two years!  She wasn't worth it!

Mr Man,

You sound like a very caring and sensative guy.  Not the right qualities for a good affair (if one of you is commited to another party)

I had similar feelings a couple years ago with a co-worker at my last job, exept I was the one who is married.  It never went anywhere, but I sure messed up my own head with some really immature emotions.

I am now in persuit of a co-worker, but my emotions are in the right spot: She's very sweet and nice, but I'm making no promises, she knows I'm married with kids, and I've never even complained about my wife to her, in fact; and I'm not getting emotionally involved: We are two grown-ups looking to have some fun: period.