What is a father to a daughter?
When she is a little girl, he is her hero and defender. He is the perfect man.
The greatest impact on a woman's romantic choices and her ability to feel comfortable in her own sexual skin is how her father treated her in childhood.
Over the course of thousands of gestures and responses between father and daughter, she forms her identity as a woman to whom a man responds in a particular way. And how she reacts to future men - her romantic choices- will be a blend of all those experiences with Dad over the years. She will be either secure or uncertain, flirtatious or frigid, demanding or compliant, defiant or meek, a mature, confident woman or a living doll. Through all his countless interactions with him, she learns what is considered appropriate female behavior.
It is from her father that she begins to get massages that will linger throughout her life - "I am, or am not, considered by men to be pretty, desirable, valuable, dependent, weak, strong, dim-witted, brilliant", and "man are, or are not, trustworthy, loving, predatory, dependable, available, dangereous".
If a daughter is unable to win her father's approval for her self, and not simply her achievements or "womanly" virtues, she may believe that she is unacceptable to other men, or she may choose men who can never measure up to her image of Daddy. She may believe she can't live without a man - or that all men are no damn good.
What can a father give to his daughter?
His personal history - the continous line from his past to her future, knowledge from his experiences, his successes and his failures.
His empathy - a haven and a safe port from her emotional storms with her mother.
His body - his beard and scent, his frame and strength, his touch and sheltering arms, giving her the first, wonderful feel of a loving man's physical intimacy.
His attention - a chance for her to rehearse, in a way that she cannot with her mother, what love with a man will be like.
His validation - a chance for her to voice and test her opinions, which he will not perceive as betrayals.
A daughter needs a loving, available, predictable father or father figure who can be counted on, whether divorced or at home. She needs his best intentions, even if his efforts sometimes come up short. She needs his maturity and limit setting and sexual oppositeness, so that she can function with confidence out in the wider world of adult love and work.
If he does this, he will always be with her. She will always have an encouraging, understanding daddy in her head, cheering her on - not just as a woman but but as a whole, unique human being with unlimited possibilities.
I know it's often not easy to be a dad, but this is what we have to do.
