Suppose someone had spent the better half of an adult lifetime as a hobbyist and had come to the conclusion that his marriage and family were too important for the risks posed by hobbying, particularly STDs and LE. Suppose also, however, that though that someone was now firmly committed to doing nothing that might put him at risk of either an STD or LE, the same compulsive urges for variety, experimentation and "nasty" activity were still there, strong as ever.

What would be your advice to that person about how far he could go without transgressing -- in other words, without doing anything he'd regret in the morning? More particulalry, what activities would you see as going up to BUT NOT CROSSING the line. On-line porn w/ masturbation? Phone sex? Lap dances in strip clubs? "Champagne rooms" in strip clubs? Erotic massages without "happy" endings? Erotic massages WITH "happy" endings? Other things I haven't even thought of?

Obviously, anyone is free to reply to this in any way they'd like. But I'm not really looking for people to comment on the validity or appropriateness of the lifestyle choice described above; nor am I looking for REDBOOK type suggestions on how to spice up a 20+ year marriage. What I am intertested in are people's suggestions about how much and what kind of "fun" might be had within the constraints of no risk of disease or arrest.

Thanks.

Dude,

You already know what you want, and how to get it.  Our suggestions or recriminations are irrelevant, just do what you're going to do and deal with it.

To me it seems like you have an idea of what you want and how far to go, you're just looking to us to validate that point.

Enought pop-Psychology 101, bottom line is move forward with whatever you've decided on and prepare to reap the rewards or face the consequences.

HPG

It is useless to ask other hobbyists what is appropriate for your family. You need to negotiate with those who matter to you what is acceptable to them.

"....same compulsive urges and desires...?" Welcome to being human. Those are as natural as breathing for us human beings and trying to fool ourselves into thinking we can ever feel differently, is just a mind f*ck. Being attracted to the opposite sex or needing to feel attractive NEVER goes away...EVER..!!! Now, how one chooses to deal with those feelings, is another matter. HiProGlo, said it very well and only you know what you can live with. It's been proven that playing safely, the risk for STD's can be relatively minor, if your educated. So, obviously, it's the guilt your having trouble with. Unless you are able to see this hobby for what it is, your left with the other alternatives you've mentioned...Ultimately, it's still your call and what we say will have little influence.....Good Luck Sweetie, Robyn

Whose line are you asking about?  If it's your line, then you have to define it for yourself.  If it's your wife's line, that is, what activity would land you in divorce court, again that's something we can't answer for you.  Undoubtedly her line is drawn in a different place than yours.  Try talking to her about how your sex drive is not being satisfied.  If she's not interested in sex, she might go along with a "don't ask, don't tell, be discrete" policy.

The only type of sexual fun you can have with ZERO RISK???

Masturbation.

Shucks even going to a strip club carries with it inherent risks. You could have a heart attack while you were there... and then what would you tell your wife? You could be in the midst of a club wide sweep... arrested for nothing, and let off later, but still with explanations to make.  

There are obvious risks associated with sensual massage, pretty much the same that go along with seeing a more all inclusive companion.

Online porn can be discovered too... is the risk of discovery a risk you are concerned about as well? Or only LE and STD's?

We cannot determine what lines YOU are willing to cross and live with... only YOU can decide what is acceptable risk for you.

Good luck,
Nicole

eat'n ain't cheat'n

along with a bottle brush and some rags.

...Rudy's post tells it very honestly -- for yourself and your wife.  Have you talked about how you feel with her?  Obviously, your marriage has aged enough to be conservative or boring in the bedroom, but that is no reason to give up hope of having animalistic sex with your wife, by any means, unless she has been very straightforward in telling you this herself.

Maybe you should try a little "marriage regression" with your wife, and see how she responds to your more aggressive sexual behavior.  You just never know!  You may stir something in your wife that she hasn't had a taste of in QUITE some time from you -- women don't stop wanting it, either.  Many times, couples get rid of the kids in the house and forget that they can continue their marriage from where it was so rudely interrupted by kids 20 years ago!  Now that there are no more kids to deal with, or be "quiet" in the bedroom for, what's stopping you?  When was the last time she saw you with a RAGING hard-on and that dark look in your eyes, like you're just going to take her, and it's going to be right f*cking now (fantasize if you have to, your visual emotion will catch up to the physical emotion once you're going at it like rabbits)?  Or maybe, you should just try stepping into the shower with her sometime and soaping her up (again, a RAGING hard-on helps here, LOL).  Sometimes, the best thing to get a woman in the mood is a man that is just uncontrollable with desire for her -- NOTHING is better than *really* being wanted, I can tell you from the woman's POV -- be LOUD!)  You'll probably shake her up enough to need some time to think about it, but wait and see how she *ends up* feeling about it... she may start approaching you for a repeat performance next.  At the very least, tickle her butt (lightly use fingertips or fingernails, spaced out over the buttock near the base stroking upward toward the center of her spine around the top of the hips) in the kitchen every once in a while -- the more the better!  As you do this, soft, lippy kisses at the base of the neck where it meets the top of the shoulder....  Hmmm... it feels *SO* good!!!  You'll give her goosebumps all over!  LOL  This will be enough to give her a reminder that you are still thinking about sex... actually, just do that every time you think about sex, and she'll get the picture!  LOL

I can't comment on my own parents, but my aunt and uncle are now in their late 50's and can't keep their hands and eyes off of each other now that they are retired and with each other all the time, they never USED to act like this... (honestly, it's a little too blatant sometimes!).

Anyway, if you do use any of these little experiments, let us know how it goes!  LOL

There are also a lot of men that just aren't physically attracted to their wives anymore, or their wives are otherwise unable to have sex.  Then you're back to being on your own again....  Is the a provider that you seem to get along with best, or someone you know of that has a low volume, below the radar type of business?  In this business, there is more safety, generally, with escorts that do keep a very low profile, and see a limited number of clients.  Try to find one to stick with that you feel comfortable with.

Or, just stick to cybersex and live with dissatisfaction!  Sorry!

BJ, Palm Beach, Florida
[email protected]

Try taking Lexpro for a few weeks.. See what it does to your sex drive while inversly affecting your ability to reach orgasm, and then tell me that masturbation has no risks... You could injure the poor thing...

I went through this briefly, and my penis almost sued me for divorce. We had a brief seperation period where I would not touch him and he agreed not to cause me any pain.

When you have sexual relations with anyone, man or woman, you run the risk of disease. Though the probability of you getting one if you take the initiative to protect yourself is slim. No one can void becoming arrested if you’re engaging in illegal activity.

My interpretation of your first sentence suggests a man who wants fidelity with his beloved wife. But also has craving to be with other women. My thought is that this must be really bothering you. I'm not assuming this is idle chatter, but that you want to change and become more respectable to yourself...under your terms. My suggestion is three. Introduce to your sexy wife a new and exciting aspect to your relationship. By going out flirting with other woman at a bar and daring her to invite them home. Or hire a professional (that she can shop online with you… it will be fun) to come by with the sole intention to meet with you both. Throw in some incentives like; a hot stud from time to time. If your wife is shy and not so jaded, it's going to take WORK on your part to convince her that this is fun and good for you both. Lastly, my other alternative is to keep with what you’re doing and never ask questions again. Just do it and deal with the potential consequences like adults do when they make decisions with their life. Good luck.

Spoken like a true Swinger...AHHH, wouldn't it be grand if relationships could be that Open and Playful...!!!! In a perfect world, yes. Unfortunatly, we're a product of our environment, religous beliefs and social more's. In this world, too many except the false guilt, or just simply SETTLE, for a less than ideal relationship and try to tiffle their needs and desires....IMO, a very sad alternative, but common none the less. After a long, abusive, loveless marriage, I personally will never settle for anything other than the kind of relationship and unconditional love you speak of. Peace, Robyn