All happy hobby relationships are happy in the same way, but unhappy relationships are each unhappy in their own way.

(I know that's not exactly 100% true, but go with me on this for now.)

So, what's the story behind your most unhappy hobby relationship?

I've met a lot of fantastic gals over the years, but every so often we break up for some reason, and it leaves me feeling very blue, at least for a while.

I met one gal at a MP, and we had such chemistry that I seriously thought of making my life with her.  In fact, after my divorce, I did ask her to move in with me which she did briefly but then thought better of it.  We got to know each others' families and spent tons of time together dining out and going to movies, etc..  I knew her for about ten years in this manner, this was not some flash in the pan.  She had other connections to my family also.  

Alas, after I met my current flame she got a very bad case of the green eye gonzagas* and shut me off cold with not even a goodbye.  This was about five years ago, and I still get upset if I happen to think about it.

It might have been the right thing to do, but the way it was done was the worst.

The saying:  "It's not what you do, but how you do it." was never more apropos.

Like I said, I've had other gals I really dug decide to suddenly disappear for one reason or another (Often I never know why.), but none of the relationships was anywhere close to the one I describe above.  It's one of those things that just have to be accepted if you do this hobby for long enough.

*Confirmed by a mutual friend of ours

I am actually seeing the upside of the biz and the downside exactly at the same time.

One long term SB/friend relationship is dying while the other is just starting and going through the roof.

The transition is difficult on the SB I am gradually letting go, for many, many reasons.

Great girl. Incredible girl. But its rapidly coming to an end and its not easy for her at all

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I'm so sorry that happened to you we live and learn I guess. Provider or not that's not the way to end things with any breathing thing on earth. Sorry that happened to you.

-- Modified on 1/15/2016 5:09:09 PM

It's Aww, not Awe.

"All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I hobby."

I don't know too much about you, but I'm sorry you went through that.  I haven't had anything of that magnitude occur, but I'm not without a little human wreckage in my wake. Namely, a (very attached) client I abruptly severed ties with. It wasn't easy, but it felt as though every interaction (even those aimed at saying goodbye) only worsened things. The hobby's physical intimacy, taboo,  and blend of fantasy and reality ensure that we all know each other far better and far worse than we do our civvie loved ones. The exits tend to show what we did not know about each other.

-- Modified on 1/15/2016 12:00:43 PM

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she DID have strong feelings for you.........but for whatever reason, did not think it in her best interest to stay?

Maybe......like quickly ripping off a band aid.........she felt, extricating herself from the situation quickly and WITHOUT debate.........was best for her?  Although not as considerate or as gracious as we may have preferred.

i am in awwww of grammar police

I also got to know a gal rather closely.   We too got to know each others' families, went to movies, dined out, and traveled together to many fun and exciting places.  After about five years of this, she "left" unexpectedly and without any goodbye.      

That was nearly six years ago, and I have moved on.  But I have no regrets or ill feelings towards her; I feel like she wouldn't have done so unless she, for some reason, needed to or had no choice.  This is partly because her family and I know the reason.

Like the lyrics of a song we both liked:

Every evening  
Brings an ending
Every day becomes a legacy

Every sunset
Leads to morning
With the promise of opportunity

We can reach for the stars along the way
Dreaming...


-- Modified on 1/15/2016 2:44:27 PM

is very insightful and well put. There is a special intimacy to our interactions and relationships that makes separation particularly fraught.

Thank you I corrected it

If it is just a transaction, there isn't a lot of emotion on either side when it ends.

If one or the other, probably the man, gets ideas about a more serious relationship, it could become more complicated. The men in this world of ours are obviously much more inclined to fall into the illusion that there is more to the relationship than what it is. The women in this business are generally good at ending things when this happens.

Real unhappiness comes when there is serious mutual affection. This usually doesn't work for one or the other partners' real-life relationships. The combination of a desire for something more with the realization that it can't happen is especially sad. At some point, you realize that it can't remain as just a P4P relationship but there isn't really an opportunity for the relationship to progress to something more open and serious.  

I think this is hardest on the lady if there is a real relationship. The man can retreat into a (perhaps sexless) marriage, and SB or other relationships. For a lady who has let the boundaries drop, I think it can feel like a betrayal. Ladies on the board who have been through this can correct me of course.

I have had this happen once. We both went away sad, but she was also upset, angry, and conflicted.

-- Modified on 1/15/2016 6:50:50 PM

great now my joke makes no sense! thanks, roxanne!!  [/sarcasm]

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but alas, I'll never know for sure.  And if I did know, then what?  It doesn't really alleviate the pain.

I don't know if many or any of you took the EST training that was so popular in the 70s and 80s, but they had a saying:  "Understanding is the booby prize."  It's true too.  The real value in any of this is learning about ones self and growing from it.  I like to think I have, but sometimes I feel I'm stuck back in the primordial ooze.

What if some day she calls me?  What then, what then

and want to only remember the many good times we had.

The Beatles expressed it very well at the very end of Abbey Road:

"...and in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make.

would have to evaluate whether or not you still wanted her in your life..........no matter how much you may care about her.........maybe it would be you then.........who may not feel it beneficial to allow her back in.........

Falling for a provider is really tough. I've done it. It hurt when it ended but I'm pretty sure I'd do it all over again.

 

 
 

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Interesting idea: I get closer to you, you get closer to me, and eventually we are one.  It surely doesn't work that way in this hobby.  Your last two sentences are a great insight, and they illustrate the complexity of really "knowing" someone.    

Emotion, intimacy, and fantasy are an important part of all of us.  But that part doesn't have to overide common courtesy, or a "logical exit", if that becomes necessary.

Very much so. I might argue that there is a rather tragic bond amongst some of the providers. Quite often, we understand each other beyond words. However, the segmentation of 'worlds' combined with the underlying 'Law of Club and Fang' nature of this business can place a Teflon-coating around our hearts.  

With the exit, common courtesy is important.  But, if you've tried that for awhile, and it's not working, more drastic measures may be needed.  I spent a couple of months messaging that I could not see my client anymore (and I had stopped the sessions), but all he saw was that I had responded. Contact only served as encouragement. I don't think my exit was out of line, but I do blame myself for letting things get too close during our hobby honeymoon stage.  

Uncommon setting, perhaps, but the overall template is nothing new: a breakup occurred between two people who disagree about its progression.