We are all Cheating On Our Wives. Anything else we say about is just a way to justify it. I applaud channelguy for having the self-insight to be able to admit it.
All the other responses have been variations of "I do it because I'm bored with sex with the wife," or "I do it because I'm programmed that way biologically." Both of these excuses make us sound immature, given that we all made vows to these women to be faithful. Our behavior now is a direct reflection on our character - if we don't stick to our vows, then we cannot truly ever be considered trustworthy. Things get a little uncomfortable at home and we take the easy way out. The "mature" thing to do would be admit to our wives that we want some strange, and deal with what comes after. It might be divorce, it might be a newly-reformed bedroom performance from the wife, it might be an acceptance policy from the wife - "Do what you want as long as you don't rub it in my face or embarrass me..."
channelguy's wife went through some bad things when she was growing up. But imagine if she found out about his activities with providers - he would end up hurting the woman he loves, almost as bad as her parents did. What I'm getting at - if we truly love our wives, why are we doing the very thing that would hurt them the most, if discovered? I am including myself in this also - I am not considering myself better than anyone.
I really think I am doing this hobby for all the wrong reasons, and it looks and acts more like an addiction everyday. I know it's wrong for me and my family, but I don't stop. If a newbie asked me about the hobby, I would tell him it's just like smoking crack - one hit, and you're in it for life.
The previous thread about married guys "on the fence" about hobbying, got me to thinking. Many of the responses listed a bunch of reasons why the guy hobbies behind his wifes back:
- she doesn't CIM
- she doesn't do anal
- mental issues dating back to childhood
- no longer "likes" sex
- better to hobby than to divorce
This just made me think - are there couples out there who have been married for many years, but neither is bored with the other, sex happens often enough for both partners to be happy, both partners do the things the other wants to do (CIM, anal, whatever). You never know what's going on in the bedroom of your friends, but out of my married friends, only the one who is on his second marriage seems to have that kind of a sex life - but of course they do not have kids.
So many guys on TER say that hobbying "helps" their marriage. To me that's a crock of s**t! If someone wanted to help their marriage, they would work together with their partner to understand why they feel the need to step outside for new pu**y. We didn't feel that way on the honeymoon, or after the first couple of years of marriage - what's changed?
As a hobbyist it's tough for me to admit this, but I truly believe that the best thing for my marriage would be to f**k my wife every day.
Do kids (and the pressures they bring) effectively kill a marriage? Are we all marrying the wrong person? How would I know if I'm going to become bored with this person 15 years from now?
Why can't we just tell our wives "Honey, I really want to cum in your mouth, and I won't take no for an answer." Or "Honey, I want us to spend time working on f**king you in the ass. We're going to slowly build up to it over time." Why step outside to get this action? We're not all married to ballbusters that would laugh at the first mention of CIM. And if you are married to such a woman, why stay? Fear of the unknown? Fear of being alone?
Sorry for rambling...
For some people is like eating the same clam each day and everyday of your life. Do you want to eat the same clam you whole life? Same flavor same things. It's gets boring and mundane.
Or do you want go to the all you can eat Buffet and have a happy feast. Got one life to live so live happy. Anyone can die anytime or worst have cancer and die painfully and slowly. You will then rethink what is important in life. Have gigantic balls due to the risk or be John Doe the couch beer belly hubby.
Men cheat because its biological. You cant help it. goes back to our ape days. sex witht the same person is boring. we all know that so why do people get married. they are brainwashed by society and the religious right. Its not natural. most animals are not monogamous. "Life is too short.Have an affair"
Yep thats what I tell my wife all the time! LOL
My father gave me this advice "there are two types of women. One you party with and one you marry..do not get them confused. Well sound like you, like me, took my fathers advice and married the "nice" girl. I married my College sweetheat sort of (we went to two different colleges) and I partied with the wild girls, strippers who with a few drinks did everything you describe in your post but married the "would be a good mother to my kids".
Lets be honest, how many providers that you know would make a good wife. They are confrontable with their sexuality and have no hangups about "nice girl" perception that keep our wives(well my ex) from being freaks.
I could marry a lot of these girls that I have both seen or talked to. I would have no problem with what they do or if they enjoyed it while doing it. Just as long as I could retire and live off them while i enjoyed Fishing, Golfing and some great sex in between!
I think it's wrong to do this. Yep...I took a vow and am breaking it. I try to justify it all the time and obviously I do because I continue to cheat...yes, cheat..on my wife.
No sex? Impossible.
So should I divorce her because of that? Some men might say yes. I can't...I love her.
But per my vows, the right thing to do is..well..just jerk off.
Not too many men can do that and I'm not strong enough so consider me weak.
At times I do resent my wife but then I realize it really isn't her fault. I hope her parents are burning in hell for what they did to her.
So my options are jerk off forever. No sex forever. Or the decision to cheat on her.
Which I do and feel guilty everytime.
Believe me, if I had the sex life we had in our first 4 years together I wouldn't even know anything about TER. She was amazing in bed...and if you saw her you'd say "wow!"
OK, that's a heavy post and it probably belongs over with Love Goddess.
Pitt: men stray for biological/evolutionary reasons. It's not because we're morally defective. There's a biological imperative for males of any species to mate with as many females as possible to ensure that they pass their genetic code to the next generation.
Apparently you've never considered the opposite side of the coin: your wife may have cheated on you. Her children may not be yours. A female has a biological imperative to mate with the strongest male available to ensure survival of her offspring. That alpha male may not be you.
You raised an interesting question on this thread, but then resorted to simplistic moralizing to square the circle. --z
The next time you have sex with your wife she says honey I wan't to stick this 9 inch dildo up your ass and I am not taking no for an answer. She then says don't worry I am going to build it up over time. This week 1 inch the next week 2 inches, etc. Then to top it off she says also I plan to pee all over you. You up for that Pitt Panther?
I don't need any justification for being in this hobby. I will admit that once I did have a tough time about continuing after my wife become preg with the second (and last) child. But after much soul searching I got over it. I give far more to my wife (emotionally) after having fun in this hobby. This hobby is great stress relief and a hell of alot of fun.
Go Bucks!
I would rather my wife come to me with that request, instead of holding it in and having it turn to bitterness and anger about "what I won't do for her."
To be honest, if she was serious I would go for it. My goodness, I have been married to this woman for year. There's no bodily fluid I haven't seen, and a little pee is not going to scare me. As for the dildo, again if she was serious about it and convinced me that it would bring her pleasure, I would give it my best. I would never tell anyone!
You justify the hobby as a stress reliever. Your wife is stressed also - doesn't she need a stress-reliever? Why can't you two get together and relieve each others stress? What if you discovered that her "weekly massage appointments" were instead her getting f**ked by the masseur, her excuse being "I needed stress relief?"
PittPanther
You brought some interesting points to light.
I guess the main reason is that our values and attitude about sex has changed.
In the past before all the sexual revolution, the married couple used to be happier and more content. They did not have such exaggerated notions about sex and specific sex acts such as CIM etc.
Sex used to be for procreation, pleasure and to nurture a bond between husband and wife. Sex also used to come later in life (early or late 20s).
Today the values are quite different. Sex is all about incessant non-stop pleasure.
It used to be that sex was the spice and marriage was the meal.
Now its just spice, no meal. Obviously, it will not be good for health. Marriage will be on the rocks and so will the kids suffer.
It used to be that kids were the joy of marriage, because they nurtured and renewed the family and made it happier.
Now its the opposite. Kids have become a burden, sex is not fulfilling, marriage is on the rocks, and hobby cannot be done everyday.
Ultimately its the hobbyist who has to decide what is important to him: Is it the marriage, kids, the joy of family and friends, and passionate sex once in a while with the wife.
Or is it CIM, anal, etc with highly reviewed TER provider.
It really comes down to choices.
I know dozens of happily married couples with 2, 3 or even 4 children and they enjoy every moment together. Sure there are ups and downs, anxieties, stress, even occasional strains, but overall the joy
that marriage and children bring is totally different from an hour of hobby.
We are all Cheating On Our Wives. Anything else we say about is just a way to justify it. I applaud channelguy for having the self-insight to be able to admit it.
All the other responses have been variations of "I do it because I'm bored with sex with the wife," or "I do it because I'm programmed that way biologically." Both of these excuses make us sound immature, given that we all made vows to these women to be faithful. Our behavior now is a direct reflection on our character - if we don't stick to our vows, then we cannot truly ever be considered trustworthy. Things get a little uncomfortable at home and we take the easy way out. The "mature" thing to do would be admit to our wives that we want some strange, and deal with what comes after. It might be divorce, it might be a newly-reformed bedroom performance from the wife, it might be an acceptance policy from the wife - "Do what you want as long as you don't rub it in my face or embarrass me..."
channelguy's wife went through some bad things when she was growing up. But imagine if she found out about his activities with providers - he would end up hurting the woman he loves, almost as bad as her parents did. What I'm getting at - if we truly love our wives, why are we doing the very thing that would hurt them the most, if discovered? I am including myself in this also - I am not considering myself better than anyone.
I really think I am doing this hobby for all the wrong reasons, and it looks and acts more like an addiction everyday. I know it's wrong for me and my family, but I don't stop. If a newbie asked me about the hobby, I would tell him it's just like smoking crack - one hit, and you're in it for life.
another reason I can't / don't stop hobbying?
It's the only time I still feel like a man. I know I'm paying for the attention and that I'm just a revenue source for the lady, but the illusion - for awhile - makes me feel "better."
I put "better" in quotes as I can't quite define it. Am I ashamed I am cheating on my wife? Absolutely yes.
Do I like the feeling of a woman's skin and the sexual experience? Of course.
Would I rather it be my wife? More than you can ever know.
But to NOT have that feeling - well, that's like a sort of death.
I never smoked or did drugs (military and athlete background) other than alcohol (not abusive behavior) and really didn't understand addiction. NOW...I totally get it.
So the shame that put on my self for cheating is so contradictory to what I feel "at the moment with a lady."
My methodology is to stick with 1 fav almost (not quite) exclusively. While she does take my money I know that we are friends.
OK, I'm off to therapy! Thanks for reading all this self disclosure stuff. And..VERY IMPORTANTLY..in no way do I mean my comments to be derogatory to the participants in this "hobby"...especially the ladys. They are human beings, like us guys, and have their own dreams and issues, etc.
How would you-all feel if you discovered that your wives were cheating on you?
I wonder about this myself.