I started in the "hobby" the middle of last year.  I am in my late fifties and basically this was my first venture outside my 35 year marrage.  Soon after beginning I noticed I was down a lot.  As time has progressed, I find I appear to be in full blown depression.  My lowest points seem to directly relate to my hobbying.  Not during a session, but the next day. At first I didn't even make the connection, but recently I have realized there appears to be some type of direct relationship. I have never had any type of depression problems before.  I went to the doctor and he immediately told me I need medication.

Has anyone had or heard of this type of experience?

I'm not a professional therapist, but, I've heard this is not uncommon. It could be several things, ie: Guilt, are you sure this is for you? Do you have any moral isuues around it? It could be a sense of loss, financially and/or emotionally, (she's not there anymore, and neither is your money). You're also going from an extreme high prior climax, to an extreme low post climax. Maybe you just have some left over stuff from a 35 year marriage! I'd see a professional therapist before going on Med's. Good Luck!

I hobby about 2-3 times a year.  I do enjoy hobbying but I find that  it makes me feel guilty when I'm around my SO if I have hobbied recently.  While I do enjoy the hobby I find that it isn't a replacement for a satisfying sexual relationship with someone you care about. It is good for an occasional change of pace though.  If you believe that your depression is directly related to the hobby you should stop hobbying and see if you feel better.

Sounds like the DR justs wants to run you through the system.Collect the insurance and not deal with the problem.Seek a good counselor and treat the problem not the symptom.The pills are fun for the first week but after that they get boring.You have issues you must face sooner or later. Do it before they get you hooked on the pills.

The DSM-IV is still the standard used by most professionals.  Your doctor is likely to have used it in diagnosing you, and may have concluded after seeing you that you exhibited five or more of the nine symptoms outlined in DSM-IV.  More information on this is given below.  

A second and perhaps even third or fourth opinion from other doctors is never a bad idea, especially if you are hesitant about starting  medication.



Clinical Depression Symptoms

Points to keep in mind:

1. These depression symptoms must cause clinically important distress or impair work, social or personal functioning.

2. At least five of the following symptoms must be present in the same 2 weeks, nearly every day, as noted by the patient or by others, and are a definite change from usual functioning.

3. Additionally, either depressed mood or decreased interest or pleasure must be one of the five.


(1) Depressed mood (or irritable mood if a child or adolescent).

(2) Decreased interest or pleasure.

(3) Significant weight loss or weight gain when not dieting or appetite is markedly decreased or increased.

(4) Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleep).

(5) Psychomotor agitation or retardation.

(6) Fatigue or loss of energy.

(7) Feelings of worthless or excessive or inappropriate guilt. This "negative thinking" usually causes a marked lowering of self-esteem and self-confidence with increased thoughts of pessimism, hopelessness, and helplessness.

(8) Diminished ability to think or concentrate. Marked forgetfulness often accompanies this disorder.

(9) Recurrent thoughts about death, recurrent thoughts of suicide (with or without a plan) or has made a suicide attempt. (The symptom most highly correlated with suicidal behavior in depression is hopelessness.)

By definition, Major Depressive Disorder cannot be due to:

1. Mood Disorder Due to a General Medical Condition (physical illness).

2. Substance-Induced Mood Disorder (alcohol, medication, or other drug use. 3. Bereavement (normal reaction to the death of a loved one). 4. Bipolar Disorder.

5. Mood-incongruent psychosis (e.g., Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia, Schizophreniform Disorder, Delusional Disorder, or Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified).

Yeah yeah,, I get the first 8 if I go 2 weeks without getting any.And I dont mean pills.

RUN!, don't walk from the anti-depressant drugs. Some people find happiness with them, a lot of people just find negative side effects ranging from insomnia to liver damage.
    I find the time line from your entering the hobby to discovering you are depressed of special interest. I noted the same feelings myself in roughly the same time frame.

Stop hobbying.  Lavish your time, money and affection on your wife.

This should be about guilt-free fun.  If it's not, the person should get out immediately.  Otherwise, it's just like an addiction that will have negative consequences on your life.

"All lust is grief." (All sensual desire invariably brings sorrow)

"Though the flame be put out, the wick remains." (Although the passions may be temporarily overcome, their sources remain)

If it feels good, do it. If hobbying (or anything else for that matter) has negative consequences in your life, cut it out immediately. You're supposed to be in this for a good time and great sex. If you're here for just about any other reason, you're looking in the wrong place.
  If my hobbying (or anything else in my life) starts causing me all the headaches you've attached to your hobbying, I'll drop this activity faster than third period calculus.

This might not be the same for everyone. But when I first started this last year I noticed similar post-party feelings. At first I rationalized that it had to be guilt. But when I really studied the way I was feeling and what was causing it I came to a different conclusion. I call it the "coulda shoulda woulda."

Life didn't end up the way it was supposed to or atleast the way I thought it was headed. Probably none of our lives do. In retrospect I can pinpoint several decisions and actions which led me down the path I'm on. Now if I had changed just a few steps I would not have ended up with the exact girl that I just spent the night with(after all she is a provider), but I would have likely ended up with someone who looks, acts, responds, treats me the way she did for that one night. It all goes back to why I'm here in the first place:  to find those things that are missing. To interact with someone the way I wish my homelife was - if only for one night.

Frankly homelife has gotten better this past year. Maybe I've learned a couple things about myself that I was ignoring or maybe I've tried to make whatever changes I can so that my wife will be with me, even if only for one night, the way that special provider was the other day.

Maybe this isn't you, maybe this isn't anyone else. But a few months ago I went through this self examination to figure out why I was doing this and what I expected to get out of it (so that I could actually get what I needed!) And this is what I found - Coulda Shoulda Woulda

As I've mentioned in previous threads, this whole thing is a lot bigger deal than we give it credit for.  It isn't just about physical gratification for the boy and $ for the girl, there's a much deeper, more meaningful exchange going on.

For me, it was a pleasant, yet VERY bewildering surprise when I first got into the hobby, there's just so much more of you (and her) invested in it than you expected going in.  For some, this realization will turn out to be positive, for others negative.  

People underestimate the power of touch...  But look at you, you go see a woman who understands the power of touching you, and what happens--it changes you.  I often think that many providers don't have a real appreciation for just how much this means to us sometimes.  But it can be such a big deal that some, like i-m-blue struggle with it.  Really, you're fiddling with the most basic, fundamental forces of nature.

Be careful!  On one hand, doctors may over-react when they hear the D-word (depression) but on the other hand, clinical depression is nothing to be played around with, it is serious business.  You have to do some soul-searching, but do it in the context that you are not alone--many of us have gone through a bigger emotional tornado coming into this hobby than we ever expected.

-- Modified on 1/27/2004 11:43:15 PM