As a providor I hear from men all the time that once they married the sex life went to hell.  Gents, out of sheer curiosity how long were you married (or going with the SO) before sex started to wane?  What do you think contributed to it? If the sex were more plentiful at home would you be in the hobby?

Thanks!

For me it's not the lack of sex, but the lack of variety. Very seldom do we try different positions, use of sex toys, etc. and heaven forbid Greek and BJ. The providers I see offer that. I probably would not be in this hobby if sex with the S.O. was more exciting. And yes we have discussed but there has not been any interest from her side.

Well it was about one year before she lost her drive and i stayed in the marriage 2 more years being faithful before I couldt take it any more.. now we are going through a divorce and thats what brought me here..I wish now I would have stayed in the marriage and saw providers on the side that way I could see my kids more..I wanted to be faithful and be a nice guy.with morals so i couldnt cheat on her ...but now i see the real benifit that this hobby can offer.Men like me.. want, need intimacy(sex) and this hobby can help keep a family together and the wife can still not have to burden herself with giving her husband love when she would rather not...I now think difrently...

Well, here is my take on it,...

1. 6 months
2. New career, 60hrs week/overworked
3. NO!

At 2 days, it went from nearly every day and sometimes multiple times a day, to 3 times a week (we lived together for 3 years prior to my big mistake), 2 years it went down to once a month, at 3 years we did it quarterly, at 7 years bi-annually, 10 years it has now been 9 months since we last did anything.

The age old question:

Why do couples smile when walking down the aisle?

HE is smiling because he's thinking that after he says "I DO" he'll get all the sex he wants.

SHE is smiling because she's thinking that after she says "I DO" she won't have to do all that nasty shit anymore.


Gentelmen ... take my advice:

Don't ever get married - just find a woman that already hates you and buy her a house.

I noticed the sex died of about 2 years into it.  The reason, we both got lazy.  We both stopped being romantic.  Who started it, I can not say to this day with certainty but she noticed it, and I changed it by doing the sweet nothings that just do not take much time, but generate great rewards...hint, hint, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more.  Anyway, sex was great after that up until the end.  (ALERT! Generalization to follow) Americans have this instant gradification, zero effort mentality.  That may work when you are shopping for a burger or a VCR, but it does not work when shopping for great, totally satisfing sex.  Sorry ladies, you are excellent, but it is a different kind of thing when you are with someone who knows you and you trust implicitly.  I never hobbied then and the idea never crossed my mind.

Of, course, for some of my friends, the kids came and they managed their time and relationship poorly, leading to poor if any sex.  For some couples, they bond, for others they become selfish and the split.  Children are the true test of a relationship.

Our sex life died before we were married.  So, why did I marry her?  Well. she had been depressed and I hoped it was a phase.  Also, there is a lot more to our relationship than sex.

However, if our sex life was better I would never have started hobbying.  Or at least, not for the reasons I did.  Perhaps something else would have gotten me into it, but there is no telling.

I've been married for about 21 years now and the sex has been pretty infrequent for about the last 16 years. Believe me I do all the right things, romance, cooking, parenting, no income problems, and it's still the same responce, "not now" or something to that effect, and I'm interested all the time. I don't think she has the same sex drive as I do, because once a month or every 2 months is getting old (and so am I, 44). I look at it this way, my youngest son is now 16 and in 2 years he'll go off to college, at that point I'll seriously consider if I stay in the relationship.

In the meantime, I want to see what I've been missing and recently found out about this site and the GFE. It won't be long before I give it a try, it's kind of exciting.

I wonder if it's really the marriage alone that's responsible.  Over time can't it happen with anyone you see constantly..even a GF that a guy is exclusive with for a long time & even if they don't live together?  Two old adages come to mind (neither to be taken literally)...no honeymoon can last forever...familiarity breeds contempt.  

Adding children to the mix is another factor, as can be joint financial concerns/decisions...hell, many other have-nothing-to-do-with-sex factors.

It's not a wives/SO vs providers thing in my mind at all.  Chances are most guys would begin to feel the same about their favorite provider eventually given the same conditions as exist im marriage.  Any fire eventually becomes embers & if all that's fueling the relationship is sex, then a mistake has been made.

I had dated my ex for two years before we tied the knot and beleive me she was always more than ready to have sex before the
marriage, So long story short, at 1 year of marriage it was
about twice a week, after the Son was born it was once a month.
And then came the dautgher and it went to about once every three
or four months, and then after 19 years of marriage, the last two years there was nothing, but sadly she was having sex with
a co worker and got knocked up and then it was all over with!

New Sex Study...
It has been determined, the most used sexual position
for married couples is a doggie position. The husband
sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.

I think that sums it up.

Next month, I will be single as many years as I was married. It got wonderful after we split up and still is. While I have the highest regard for marriage, single is where I prefer to be - I think it gives you the best of both worlds.

the Married Man's Playboy, same fold out every month!!

I had a relationship with a woman for eight years, and the physical aspect changed significantly when she became peri-menopausal after the fourth year.

Too often, especially in marraige (I was married for three years as well), the word "committment" becomes synonymous with "resignation".

Any long lasting human relationship, whether lover, friend, parent/child, or business, grows and changes through time.  It is part of the human condition.  If the parties involved aren't committed to discussing these changes and to identifying what they feel acceptable standards are, then any of these relationships stands is likely to fail or be perpetuated in a mix of boredom, contempy, bitterness, and faithlessness.

The married version of doing it doggie style is one of my favorite just-between-me-and-myself refrains.

Don't remember how long we were married before she lost interest in sex, but children greatly accelerated her loss of interest.

If I had a meaningful sexual relationship with my wife -- meaning, more than frequency, if she gave a rat's ass about my personal need for intimacy -- there is no way I would be in the hobby.

I've struggled so fucking mightily to confine myself to what I could beg from her, but the constant rejection was finally more hurtful than the lack of a sexual relationship with my wife, and I stopped begging a few months ago.  Since then we've had sex exactly once, and if I leave it to the times she initiates I imagine it will be about quarterly.  When I was constantly begging -- I had deteriorated to this humiliating routine of nonverbal whatever where I would advance the affection after we turned in until she said goodnight and turned her back -- it was once or twice a month.  I decided it wasn't worth all the rejection, and I stopped.

It must be great to be married and to be in a sexual relationship with your wife, all at the same time.  It's been years since I knew what THAT was like.

It's the biggest disappointment of my life, with nothing else coming anywhere close.  As a result of her turning my marriage vow into a vow of celibacy, if I stick to it, I've retreated to what I refer to in my thoughts-I-keep-to-myself as "marriage lite" -- I'm just emotionally retreating completely from my marriage.  How much can she possibly really care about me, except as a source of support and the father of our kids, if she hardly ever touches me or lets me touch her?

Fifteen to twenty replies and only a couple of slight hints that the man in the relationship may have been any part of the reason for the lack of sex in marriage.

Having been married over thirty years, my wife and I have been through a couple periods of slower sexual activity. Each time, both of us were responsible for letting it happen.

To answer your last question, the level of sexual activity at home has never affected my hobbying.

Same problem here I was faithful for 10 years before I just couldn't stand it anymore. I started to resent my wife for what she was putting me through until I decided to enter the hobby. Hell, until last year I thought an escort was someone you called just when you needed a date to a business dinner didn't even know about all the extra fun.  I finally convinced my wife to see a doctor about it. Turns out she had low testosterone levels. Yep, women have testosterone too. That's why you always hear women go through their sexual prime in their 30's and 40's and men in their late teens early 20's. Womens testosteron levels stay the same in 30's and 40's but their estrogen levels drop leaving more testosterone with not as much estrogen to counteract to get them all riled up. I'm hoping the testosterone treatments will fix things for her. Until then I will continue to enjoy the hobby. Would I be in the hobby if sex was good at home? Probably not, but who knows now that I have had a taste.

Although currently single I have been married twice before with two "live in" relationships in-between.

  There is no delicate way to put it. Once you have witnessed your mate sitting on the throne squeezing out a loaf it can indirectly & directly affect your appetite for no holes barred sex.  Farting in bed and "New car Smell" evoke two entirely different emotions.

  Sadly I feel that sex becoming ho-hum and infrequent with a SO
is as natural as you car's interior smelling like greasy fast food & sweat after a year or so. In either case it doesn't HAVE too be, but it will require MAINTANANCE.

Reminds me of a crude joke I once read:

Show me the most beautiful woman in the world and I'll show you someone who's tired of f*cking her.

Unfortunately, due to men's genetic wiring, I think it's pretty much true.  I'm really not sure if it is possible to keep up the intensity of a sexual relationship year after year.  But, at least in my experience, the early lust of the relationship is replaced by a deeper caring and love for the person (wife).  Of course, being a man, I want to have my cake AND eat it too.  For me the hobby allows me to experience the best of both worlds. (Although generally I will only partake in the hobby once a year)

I will say, again in my experience, that part of the reason my wife has diminished interest is that she put on a few pounds (she'd still be 8 or 9 by TER standards) but in her mind she's not as attractive, or doesn't feel as sexy.  I'd imagine that goes double for any woman who has had children.  So all I'm saying is that it may be less of a rejection of you than the fact she's unhappy with herself.

I am curious as to why you do hobby -- you seem to have a very different situation than others who have posted responses to this question.

`Once you have witnessed your mate sitting on the throne squeezing out a loaf...`

Good advice for singles -- don't let your marriage degenerate to this level of familiarity.  

-- Modified on 8/13/2003 9:31:37 PM

Men are so narcissistic. Nothing ever happens until it happens to you. Some of you may say that your wives don't want sex anymore. Maybe she just doesn't want sex with you? It's funny how men think they have the "golden dick".  Huh, maybe your wife is not the one with the hang-ups. Maybe she found an accomplished lover with someone else who had the "stealth submarine" that she desired. Just consider this: while you're with your provider and have been for a while, don't think for a second that your sweet little suburban housewife couldn't have had her own lover(s) waiting in the wings.

My previous fave was the "Hallway Sex" joke on an earlier thread.  This one's even truer to life.

We each make own own little hell - til we ourselves forged the key to the jailcell

it isn't just the male genetic wiring that experiences this...women get tired of familiarity as well.  However, they usually aren't as compelled to go out and find someone new to fuck.

Fairly simple answer to that question - I hobby for the variety.

And I do feel very strongly that there are many things a fellow can do to energize his wife's sex drive when it seems to have waned. A fellow just needs to take the time, in most cases.

Before I was a provider, I was married and ironically in the same predicament. I think the biggest mistake is not talking about it when there is a problem. If you cant even talk to your SO about such a huge relationship affecting topic, then what kind of relationship do you really have?

I understand where all the guys who have posted are coming from. And I as a woman, know that there are "other" reasons women don't have urge anymore. 1. husbands let themselves go sometimes 2.fourplay to some men consists of "hey, you want some?" 3. waiting till the end of the day when your exhausted isnt a good idea, I like nooners myself 4. some men don't "really" know whether thier wives have an orgasm or not 5. some men never tell thier wives they are sexy or beautiful or anything outside of a sexual encounter, in turn women feel used.

I think the hobby helps in the short term. Long term however, I think if you really want to stay married, you should WORK not "try" but work, at making the communication and understanding better than ever. You usually get out of it, what you put in.
My .02 cent
Angel

Actually, my sex life with my wife is very healthy, active, varied and fun - we "emptied the penny jar" before the 2nd year was up.  However, I didn't marry her for the sex alone; she is a brilliant, dedicated, driven woman, a tremendous friend and partner, and just plain fun to be with - not to mention that she puts up with MY silly ass.

So why do I see escorts?  Variety, pure and simple.  My wife is a short and quite heavy woman, and I have always been attracted to tall, slender ladies; now that I have reached a station in life where I can easily affort this hobby, seeing escorts gives me the variety I crave and answers some fantasies.

My wife has put on way more than "a few" pounds, and my long-time favorite provider offered the same thought you do.  I had hoped that my continuing, albeit spurned, sexual interest in her was among other things a compliment, and an affirmation that I wanted her sexually, but if you're right that it's a self-perception thing then my nightly expressions of interest weren't enough to change her self-perception.  In any event, my hand doesn't go in her panties anymore -- I give up.  If she wants to have sex, she can initiate it.  I don't try anymore.

That's a generalization for which you have no basis -- you haven't been married to the wives of all the guys in sexless marriages who have answered.

I tried everything -- time, romance, whatever -- big time, over a period of years -- it's like somebody pulled the plug on her sex drive.  I even tried to start a conversation about her asking her doc about it -- that went nowhere.

Glad you're not similarly situated.

I'm so sorry for your pain and loss.

My car kept its new car smell much longer than a year, and still doesn't smell like fast food.

I would never presume to tell you how you could have kept your car's new car smell, though, because I've never had your car.

"I like variety"? Why bother marrying her in the first place? If she found out, would she not be hurt? And, then what? So, what, she's hurt? I'm sorry, but I have no sympathy for you. I think that's a cop out. That's an awful thing to do to someone.

The sex seemed to tail off after the birth of a child but really changed when she decided she needed a career.  I supported her decision because I thought she needed 'fulfillment'.  it turns out it was a mistake.  she has decided that she is always to busy.  We are now a once a month schedule.  

When asked why I stay it is because she is still the sexiest woman I know.  She is about 40 pounds heavier than when we married but I would stay with her in an instant if she would be at all interested in starting up our relationship again.  I truly feel badly when I see a provider, which I do about once a month.  But to go to bed and lie next to this sexy woman and know that she does not feel the same way about me drives me crazy.

I think this is explained by the 3 phases of marriage...

Phase 1 is the Honeymoon Stage where you are doing it all the time.

Phase 2 is the Holiday Stage where you only do it on special occasions

Phase 3 is the Oral Stage where all you say is "f*ck you" to each other.

Thanks for your thoughtful response.  I do wish a nooner was even a remote possibility....  Anyway, each relationship has its own dynamic and its own ruts and rough spots, as we all know -- that make trying to change the direction of the relationship a real challenge.

"Who's makin' love to your old lady while you were out makin' love"

Don't think they don't cheat too... They just know how to hide it better.

that it's unacceptable to participate in this hobby if I'm happily married but seek variety, but it IS acceptable to hobby if I'm in an unhappy, sexless, miserable marriage?  Are you so sure that a wife in that sexless, unhappy marriage would be any less hurt than a wife in a happy marriage?  How do you know that my wife and I don't have an agreement concerning my hobbying?

Call off your old, tired ethics, hon.  What you're really saying is that it's unacceptable to participate in this hobby if you're married, period... and that, to put it bluntly, is bullsh!t.

Bottom Line: Honor, love and cherish. Remember those vows?? What the hell do you think honor means? Honorable. Does that ring a bell? What is honor to you? Fucking other women I suppose. If you have a sexless, useless and all the other less's, then get a divorce or you shouldn't have married her in the first place! You're the one who implied that it is okay to fuck around if your marriage is rock bottom. I didn't. I've been married. Even after kids, my ex and I had sex 4 or 5 times a week. Sex was never the issue. The other issues are what brought us to a divorce. A marriage can't be based on great sex alone. Just as a sexless marriage isn't good either.

Seek therapy. If that doesn't work, you don't stay together because of kids. That's bullshit. They'll be just as miserable. So, I suppose now, it's okay to fuck the kids up too because you fucked up? Grow up and become more mature is what you need to do. Oh, and by the way, my ex didn't like sex as much as I did. Did I fuck around, no. Now, that's a novelty. He's an ex-marine, so he was not a "girly-man". Some guys are not sex fiends. Some women want sex more than men. Women, however, control their sexual desires and try to work it out, or they rely upon the other possitive attributes their SO has.

Men will use sexlessness as the "out" clause to their marriages so that they can fuck around. Bottom Line. You're guy, so don't deny it or pretend that's not what's going on in your mind. A guy's head is full of rationalization-the little head too. As the saying goes, "show me a beautiful woman and I'll show you a guy who's tired of fucking her" Sorry, I'm not the one who came up with that---a man did.

Variety, baby, variety!

Make sense to me.  Full disclosure: I have never been married.