I'm an almost 50 year old provider who works part time. I live in a respectable neighborhood, I have money in the bank and on the outside my life is really great. But something happened the other day that's really making me question my sanity. I almost can't write it, but I'm going to try anyway. I had a somewhat sexual experience with my kid who came home early from boarding school.  He is 16 and my biological son which makes everything so much more awful. He went to some neighbor kid's party where the parents were gone. They apparently got really drunk or high, I think both on pot and alcohol. When he came in around 1am, I was waiting for him, pretty much ready to read him the riot act. He was supposed to go over there for a couple of hours max, not the whole evening. Any way, he was so wasted that he just laughed and laughed while I was telling him off. And then he French kissed me and tried to grab my breast through my robe.
The worst of it was that I liked it. It's disgusting but I don't know what to do now. I can't go to counseling, they'll take my kid away from me. We didn't discuss anything this  morning, he was pretty hung over and didn't say much. He is going to be home now until early January. I can't talk about this to my girlfriends either, they will think I'm crazy. Help. Please.

Thank you but I would never hit my child. I don't believe in physical punishment like that. I liked it, that is the problem. He was just drunk or stoned or both, but I liked it. That's the issue. He looks like his father who died 10 years ago. He was a good man, but an alcoholic. I am very worried about all of this, mostly my own feelings. Is there something wrong with me? I can't go to counseling, I know. They will take my child away from me.

Yes, but I am worried that if I ignore it, it will go further. My problem is that I liked it. I was not disgusted, I felt some excitement. Should I tell him that I felt excited? Maybe that would make him stop?

I thought this was the reaction I would get. So far, smacking him or ignoring it feels odd to me. The thing is I feel that it's my fault somehow. He is only 16 and under the influence at the time. My problem is my own reaction. I can't stand that I liked it, it is wrong. I feel sick to my stomach about it. Where can I go talk about this and not lose my child?

Maybe you would not strike a child but this was not a child's behavior.  There are too many possibilities as to "Why?"  But there are times when physical is the only way.  He ignored/laughed at your discipline.  That can not be tollerated.  My parents would have kicked me out for that alone.
Why is he privledged to touch you in personal areas, to make a drunken pass at you?  You would not tolerate that from a client.  DON'T tolerate it from him.  And don't let him off the hook for this time!
I AM not qualified to what this means on either side but this is playing catch with a hand grenade!  
My guestimatiom is you liked it because you make have some loneliness issues...  but it was a physical trigger to an emotional response.  No where near this situation but I know a bit about gong where no one should go...  Wasted 5 years chasing a woman after a physical trigger led to an emotional response which led to a physical relationship which neither of us could control.  

It is your house.  He was out of bounds.  Deep down HE KNOWS HE WAS WRONG (several times).  The WHYS?  almost does not matter.  There must be consequences for him.
skb

As you said, "there is no need to create a hot button topic", just another of the countless things that Madiba has been wrong about.

And, warn him that if he doesn't get himself under control, and remain under control, even after drinking alcohol and/or taking drugs, he can find himself behind bars for demonstrating such behavior with another woman.

Thank you. I will see what I will do. For now, I need to calm down. Thank you again for being so kind and not judgmental to me.

with your son made you excited and you liked it, then maybe you would enjoy seeing a younger client.  Take me for example, Im only 5 years older than your son and I enjoy seeing more mature providers.  Maybe a younger guy is a fantasy to you?  Just a thought.

What your son did was wrong and he probably needs to know that. I go out and get drunk often and end up back at my parents house but I never would touch a woman like that and especially not my mother.

Good Luck

posting this on the Erotic Highway is a good start, but the Love Goddess typically does not take a question that's already been posted on another board. But, it's worth a try. Another option is finding a therapist that is seasoned, psychoanalytically trained, and when describing your attraction to this young man, don't name names. Someone who is more psychoanalytically trained knows that the real way to deal with such a problem is to explore it, not report it. S/he is not taking the stance of being a detective, but rather uncovering the source of the compulsion. Let her/him know up front that you are unwilling to disclose who the young man is, so s/he can determine if they feel comfortable working with you while not knowing his identity and relationship with you.

Very many years ago, my young step daughter used to like to sit in my lap.  Well, the kid was squirming & would not sit still.  I was uncomfortable with it the first time.  I didn't LIKE it but undesired friction still has some effects.  The second time (I don't believe in coincidences), I put a total stop to it.  I had to wear underwear even under PJs from then on.  Kid was pretty much excluded from sitting in my lap.  I think she was doing it on purpose but at her age I don't think she understood why she could not.
You are the one who must control this.
skb

Sorry, but no parent in their right mind would get sexually aroused by their child sticking their tongue in their mouth.

You sound sexually compulsive to the detriment of your child.

He needs counseling, you need to stop being so fucking permissive (reading the riot act after the kid comes home drunk and high?  Hate to tell you but you're too late!) and you need help to deal with your own issues.

You were both acting out sexually.  There is nothing wrong with fantasizing about incest but here is something ill about fantasizing it with your own biological children or accepting it.  You should have been so repulsed and angry that you instinctively smacked the shit out of him.

No good will come of that.

As far as your behavior goes, it is exemplary.  You attempted to take control of an out of control child and were battered for your efforts.

He needs some help, and that is clear.

I see nothing in your behavior that would indicate that he should be taken from you owing to your actions.

If his actions continue along the same lines, then he may need some time alone from society to straighten him out.

Now as for your feeling of desire, I disagree with those that say this indicates you are somehow mentally sick.  If you gave in to those desires then perhaps that would be so; but in reality you are showing disgust with them, so take some credit for that.

All people have certain desires that tend to deviance, and they don't act on them.  What you need to do some day, should you want, is to engage in psychotherapy with someone who can lead you on a path to understand and eventually overcome and master your wants and desires.

First things first however.  You need to set limits for your son because he is out of control, and make it clear to him that if he doesn't tow the line, society has forces to put in him his place and you are prepared to use them.   Make it clear to him that you would do this not because you no longer love him, but quite the contrary, you love him enough to be separated for both your own good.  It's what's called tough love and this is a place to use it.

Do not, under any circumstances, reveal to him your feelings about his assault on you.

Also, tell him that his assault consists of a serious felony for which he could be prosecuted.

I would hope that would sober him up.

I wish you all the strength you will need to deal with this.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I have been crying in my bedroom all day. My son seems to not ever remember what went on, since he has been all normal with me, meaning he just goes into his room and plays with his computer or talks to his friends. He went out with them for dinner and he's back in his room now. Or maybe he is covering things up? I have decided that we need to go and see a family therapist. Maybe the therapist won't necessarily take him away from me since he was drunk and I didn't initiate anything. I am going to try and be strong and face this the best I can. I am not going to tell the therapist that I got sexually excited because maybe it is as many have said in this thread. The body does something else while the brain is not necessarily into it, or the other way around. Thank you everyone for your advice, especially sweetamanda. I really appreciate that.

-- Modified on 12/15/2010 4:02:49 PM

with this story and seek qualified and professional advice from The Love Goddess. Almost everyone else in here (GD) is really not "qualified" enough to address you dilemma properly and appropriately. All that I can say is that because of the age on consent in this country (assuming that you are in here) your story and your honest reaction to it (if divulged to the wrong person), does carry some sort of legal repercussion both for you and your Son. Good luck, CS~

Sounds you're pretty creeped out (which is understandable!), but enjoying something sexual can be a simple biological response to a sexual experience, and getting turned on is something that can occur under all sorts of weird/bad circumstances that your mind may morally object to even while your body is disagreeing. I don't think it makes you disgusting or anything. I think you just need to talk to your son frankly and tell him what happened was unacceptable and don't let it happen again.

That your conflict with GaGa over the other board has taken the better of your judgment. I don't know the Mods personally, but there are enough Loonies around in here without the need for them to "create" a hot button topic. You lost some respect in here by making it asinine. I'm just saying...

I think preaching a message of violence towards one's children is "sick and disgusting!"...

That would never happen.  I did a good job raising my kids I guess?

HELL NO you shouldn't tell them.

In fact, I am now certain you're trolling. But then, I kinda am too, so keep going

Yes, you are basically preaching violence towards children. You list a bunch of violent reactions that you believe others would take- including yourself- (I mean, "kick him in the stomach"? Really?) and say that "the first reaction is usually the right one". So now between your first reaction being violence and her reaction being to like her son kissing her, I'm going to have to disagree with your idea that the "first reaction is usually the right one" too.

If a 16 year old boy pulled that on a nice girl, drunk or sober he would probably get slapped across the fucking face damn hard.

That's exactly what you need to do. Otherwise, you saying it's alright dear, I like it. Which you admit. So you got a choice, slap him or take him to bed.

I did originally gave you a non-troll response. I think what you are going through is a normal reaction to a weird situation. To use another situation only vaguely analogous: we all know rape is a terrible, terrible thing that can happen to a person. Sometimes however, the rape victim has a biological response of an orgasm. It's not not-rape just because the victim had an orgasm, and it doesn't make what happened right by any means. I think this is somewhat analogous because you've experienced a similar reaction to a bad situation (a part of you enjoyed it) and are now dealing with similar, twisted emotions that you don't know how to deal with. Like I said, I don't think you're a bad person for enjoying what happened, but I do hope that you recognize that it's not something you can allow to happen again, for you and your child's sake.

As someone else recommended, I too highly suggest posting on The Erotic Highway. If you truly need to discuss this with a counselor or someone, LG (the moderator there) should be able to help you find the resources you need that will allow you to talk to someone without jeopardizing custody of your child.

Aw, but I'm having so much fun disagreeing!

You're welcome. Good luck!

Listen — never mind all these ninnies. There's nothing wrong with keeping it in the family.  But I think you need someone there to shepherd you through this new found ground.  God bless you.  This could be monetized and an opportunity to meet a new segment of interesting people.

But here's my 2 cents anyway.

First, don't feel guilty.  It's a biological reaction, and, frankly, sexual tension between a mother and son isn't that unheard of (hamlet, anyone?).  One shoves any such feelings under the carpet and stamps down hard, but feeling them initially doesn't make you a monster.  

I think it's appropriate to calmly reprimand your son for disobeying your rules and being extremely rude to you upon his return.  Hopefully he doesn't remember the sexual stuff; if he doesn't, I would hesitate to mention it.  

Ultimately, you're his mother and have the best insight into whether this is abnormal behavior on his part or is part of a troubling pattern of showing aggression towards women.  That, to me, is the real issue of concern in the post.  Good luck.  Disciplining one's kids is so difficult and there are few important decisions you don't agonize over.

If the OP does not wish to pose her clear dilemma and conundrum to The Love Goddess,as I had suggested, makes me wonder about both her sincerity in seeking qualified help and even the sincerity of this story. I would imagine that The LG would not treat the OP with kid gloves like some are in here, but the OP is too obsessive and fixated about this, not to want to seek proper professional opinion. JMHO...

Best for him to live elsewhere, especially if this might be a recurring temptation for you.  If a slap were the answer, it was at the time, not now.  Problem is....it doesn't sound like he respects your authority. Other problem is; if there is a next time, will you resist or give in?  Suppose you give in.  Then suppose your belligerant son later gets mad over something else and turns you in, or tells a friend who tells a parent who tells the police.  You will be charged with a crime and you'll lose him anyway.  This is a no win situation for you.  You're in jeapardy of emotionally and psychologically harming your son and yourself AND you could go to jail.  Not pretty.      



-- Modified on 12/15/2010 4:55:35 PM

Are ya nuts!?  Are you trying to entice him or do what's best for him?  NO!!! Don't tell him you got excited !!   Jeepers !!

This seems like it would be a fit for one of his shows.  If indeed this is a real situation I feel for you.  However, I must claim I find this a bit difficult to wrap my arms around (not that the kid groped you...but that you "liked it").  Clearly there are issues here, and if this is real you should not waste time on here asking rhetorical questions, but seek out professional help immediately.  Just my .02

It is a normal stage for your son, but you should immediately have discouraged it.

You can try to forget it happened because he was high.

The only thing keeping us from being similar to animals is not to have sex with our offsprings. But sometimes the lower drive takes over.  You felt this, but you should resist and make a decision not to.

This is not uncommon - it's just 'unspoken'.   I have talked to a social worker and he said its normal for some guys to do it with his daughter, not sure about the other way around.


-- Modified on 12/15/2010 1:36:04 PM

First, the bodies physical reaction (arousal) has nothing to do with your mental picture. It isn't clear if you were just physically aroused, or if you mentally wished to continue. If it the former, I wouldn't get to worked up. If it's the latter, then you need to get some help, IMO.

Second, as a 16 yo male, he should have been slapped, period. I have kids and don't use corporal punishment for young kids. This is very different. He is a young man, soon to be on his own as an adult at 18.

I'd narc your son and his friend to the other parents, and if it's an option, boot your son back to Dad (but that depends on a lot of factors we do not know about here). Either way, it's time to lay down the law. Talk to the police about the laws about self-determination, etc. At 16, if you wouldn't be arrested, I would change all the locks on the house so that he doesn't have a key, then lay down the law for a zero tolerance  policy of substance use/abuse, curfews, etc.

Sometimes folks need the proverbial baseball bat upside the head to let them know life is serious. This needs to happen with your loving concern before somebody does it for real, because they won't give a rats ass about him.

A strong response is warranted, just not a physical one.  First of all, the OP is a woman (unless some others are right, but let's take it at face value for argument's sake), and the kid is 16.  At this point in the game it's waaay too late to expect her to confront him physically -- even if she's bigger and stronger, because it won't last.  Eventually, if not right now, he'll respond with force.  She needs to confront him and tell him none of it can ever happen again, including his late-night partying.  The consequences need not be physical.  He should be told that the next time, he's out on his ass.  Period.  Go live with your Dad.  Go live with your friends.  Go live in a cardboard box.  But think about the consequences of your actions, kiddo.  No second chances, because the stakes are ultimately life-altering and can be much worse than just getting thrown out of the house.  This means jail, OD-ing and lots of other ways to die.  He needs tough love.  If you're not up to it, then shame on you.  I've taken several of my kids to the wood-shed without laying a hand on them and they all were better for it.

he might have found out from whatever channel about your escort job, and as a 16 years old, he didn't know how to express his emotion (whatever it may be). he might have found it out in that party? if you have a website with pictures, it may be quite easy for your son to figure out that is you even your face is blurred.

that only makes sense. whether you like it or not, the fact he did that was just strange! even when he was high.

Set up some cameras....feed him some booze, post the pics.....nuff said.

I wouldn't doubt that he knows, but I'd look for a different explanation. It's possible that it's his way of confronting the issue, but that is just an assumption. He still needs to be confronted about his behavior, whether he believes it's justified or not.

needs to be discussed with the therapist in a Private meeting with YOU only.  Maybe one with him only.  Then a meeting with both.  Get a GOOD therapist, who can cut to the chase.

You son is growing up.  Some kids today think they are free to do what ever they please.  I can remember doing some pretty dumb things but today's kids have eclipsed me... being a beach bum, a stud & road racing.  

He is a minor.  Living under your roof.  You are supporting him.  You are the adult.  YOU set the rules.  

He needs to find his own way in life, as all do at that age.  He needs freedom to succeed or to fail.  If he fails, he picks himself up & corrects the problem.  You don't hammer him with his failure but an adult discussion can sometimes be helpful.  That does not remove the CONSEQUENCES.  Trust & privledges are EARNED, not a birth right.  If he fails the consequences might be an earlier curfew or restricted use of car or phone or video games.  {A realitive recently programed the daughter's phone to only call approved numbers (home, parents, 911) after a certain hour}
After a warning, I have seen a neighbor parent remove a game console & it left the home for a period of time.  
Tough Love.  Yes.
skb

"The OP will not have her son taken away as a result of discussing this with the therapist."

You can guarantee that! Again, easy for you to say!

There are plenty of family therapist who would turn her in, especially if they believe she is doing incall. Doesn't mean she can't get help, but she needs to be extremely careful about who she chooses.

On re-reading the OP, I think it is likely to be a woman.

A family therapist could be very helpful in this situation.  The OP will not have her son taken away as a result of discussing this with the therapist.

Sweet Amanda's comments were exactly correct.

Just because I don't find anything you post the least bit interesting, doesn't mean I am trying to provoke you.

If and when I ever want to provoke you, I promise I'll leave no doubts about my intentions.

Would you now like to try for zero out of three? The odds are in your favor, nobody can be wrong forever, or can they?

you meet with her/him together with your son.

But it is true that there can be no absolute guarantees.  In this particular case, I think the slight risk is justified, given the family crisis occuring.

I see no reason why she should or would reveal that she does incall.

best approach in this case.

So Amanda does what him touched, should mom wait till he rapes her till she has to become physical.  Her son obviously is showing no respect to her verbal corrections.  Or maybe He will think it is OK to grab somebody elses boobs without permission, odds are they wont find it exciting and call the police.  Get your son under control.  Even if you you have to smack him do so. He is 16, when he grabbed your boob with out permission that was assault, you had every right to smack him.  You may just save him a trip to jail, you cant just grab women.  And for God sake please take the fact that it excited you to the grave.  Sorry Amanda this kid needs discipline fast.  If he has the balls to do this to his own mother what is he doing to young girls at parties who may be more vulnerable. my .02 cents
Doc

-- Modified on 12/16/2010 5:59:16 AM

It is clear that your son is learning some very bad manners at boarding school.  It is not too much of a stretch to say that he assaulted you.  If instead of kissing and groping you, he had punched you in the face, how would you react?  Instead of a physical assault it was a sexual assault.  There are men who are attracted to their adolescent daughter, but if they never act on it they are not breaking the law or hurting anyone.  There are bosses who are attracted to their secretary etc.  Point is, he groped you, not the reverse.  As time has gone by I would: A)make sure that situation never happens again.  If he is out late, don't confront him when he walks in or if you do confront him have your guard up.  Lock your bedroom door.  Kick him in the balls if he tries it again, and call the police.  We all have troublesome feelings, desires etc.  It is what you do that counts.  If you find yourself compulsively thinking about him, then get some therapy.

Your overview provides little real detail for sorting this out. Perhaps it's all a load of crap; some of it sounds a bit incredible to me.

Assuming you're for real, you never said if you ever had any sexual thoughts of this nature before this. You haven't revealed the nature of your relationship with your son, anything about him or his nature, or if he knows your profession.

These things would weigh in toward the foundations for such an encounter.

You said you enjoyed it, which I will infer as how you felt when he did the deed & immediately after. That, completely on it's own may mean nothing. Example: an ex, who was mother to our children, could almost orgasm by gentle nipple stimulation alone. With our first child, she breast-fed and was shocked and seriously concerned, because she would become aroused when she nursed our newborn baby daughter. Was she dicovering a bisexual  incestuous pedophilia in her???
Nope! She discussed it with healthcare professionals who said it was normal; AND as long as it was NOTHING more, she had no worries. Done. Case closed. It took her a while to settle in, but soon the pleasure didn't feel like a sexual trigger, but a bond-builder between mother & child. Very natural and healthy.

You also weren't clear ( unless I missed it ) how you REALLY felt later. Of course your rational mind it dealing with the shock of what you know as a taboo. But... has it awakened something in you? Are you having thoughts or desires about him; wanting to go further. This is far more important than if it felt good at the moment.

I believe there is a lot of naivity an mis information in some of the comments.
You will not "lose" your son by talking to a Dr. (Skip social workers or 'councelors'--Stay with Psychologists or Psyciatrists on this one) He's too old for the most part. He's not a child, he's a young adult.

Also, I would worry a bit less about yourself, than I would about him, frankly. Drunk or nor, he tried to initiate sexual contact with his MUCH older mom, while blasted on alcohol and marijuana.
That is a BIG red flag there. REAL BIG.

h
Half Hour

This may be a fuck nut posting just for attention.....or...
It's real and the mother needs to either charge him the appropriate $$$ or tell the fucker to move out and move on.....Love can be hard some times. Take your pick.

Thank you so much. I will be going to a psychiatrist with my son next week. My girlfriend tells me that I have been depressed for months and that my relationship with my son has deteriorated due to that. (He is in boarding school and has no father). The problem is that he is gone so much that I can't deal with a lot of his problems. He doesn't know what I do. I have a real estate license so I am gone on appointments anyway. I want to thank you also for your advice. To those who think I should hit my son, I will never do it. I have never been excited by him before and I think it's not going to happen again. We just have a lot to deal with, but my son and I are good people. Thank you again.

as far as you insisting you "liked it".   Your job is to protect your child, from anyone... including YOU.  Get a hold of yourself