Some time ago, I lost my job (position and career) due to joining a company that failed in one of its operations.  As I lost my job, my ex suggested that I become friends with another dude who was also layed off (in another industry sector).  We did, but as he was quiet, it was not what I would call a really "buddy buddy" relationship... but we did do things together, with our kids, as we, at that time, were both stay at home dads....  Time went on, I decided to switch careers, and "reinvented myself"!!! lol!  anyway - the new career does much better than the old one ever dreamed of doing.... but my friend remains a "stay at home dad,"  only the problem is, he does nothing!  Does not take care of the home, kids or wife....!!!

He stays in bed... watches soaps, and not much else.... won't even help at school for the kids (all kids of volunteer things to do, and even with my schedule, those in here who know me, know that I do a lot for the kids and in the community...)...  

To make a long story short, his wife, called me the other day... and wants to leave him, problem?  the state in which they live, will give him everything that she has earned....!!!!

The guy needs a kick in the butt..... What I was wanting to do is to hire an escort - to provide her with cause.... can that be done?!   I know, I like the dude, Like his wife.... but this situation is not good for him, his wife, or their kids.... thoughts!?  Wise ones of TER?!

And yes, I do find the answers to be sarcastic (my own included) but in the answers are some real gems... and things worth thinking about... so fire away ladies and gents!  I have my green underware on and I can take it!!!!!

1. Illegal. 2. Immoral.  3. NUTS.  Don't do it.  Smokey the Moralist

Bad idea. No, let me re-state that. Very bad idea. Very very VERY bad idea. Problems could arise on so many levels. What if during the divorce proceedings, the escort you hired is subpoenaed? Imagine how interesting her testimony could be.

I humbly suggest hauling him kicking and screaming into counseling if necessary. Sounds like he is suffering from major depression. Failing that, it may be best if she simply cuts her losses and walks out on the bum.

I understand your desire to help, and I empathize with the difficult situation the lady is in, but hiring an escort to incriminate him is just a bad idea.

She asked me IF I knew of any male escorts who would go with her - to provide HIM with cause...  my (proposed and NOT YET PROVIDED) response is for her to get an escort for him.....(that is she hire the lady).

That's a tall one!  Community property states call for 50/50 split on what both have made during the marriage.  So at worst she loses 50% of what's she's saved.  Plus she's going to take the kids so once numbnuts does get a job he's going to have to pay child support.  The worry is alimony I suppose, since he's been making zilch for awhile, but evidence can be put on of earning capacity.  

Give her a website reference if you must, but don't do it yourself.

Don't hire an escort for him -- get him some counseling.  He sounds like he's depressed, which is  very common when you lose a job, even if it's through no particular fault of your own.  You might be surprised how much good some visits to a counselor would do, and it's a buttload cheaper than an escort, too.

There's also the point that hiring an escort for the purpose of providing divorce grounds is legally questionable, and could well backfire on you and on the wife.

he is clinically depressed... and is on meds... but refuses counseling.  Even in our marriage, we did go through counseling....  me three times... she 4 times... and still she has issues.

But - I have offered to him, on numerous occasions, that by going into counseling he may get some insight (I know that I did!)

Unfortunately she is in a state that will not grant a divorce.... unless there are "circumstances"!  don't ya just love it... the state forcing people to live in conditions that are conducive to abuse...!  sheese.... we gotta get our priorities straight....

In the first post you said he will get everything.  Later you said she cant get a divorce without cause.  Assuming she CAN get a divorce, will she get 50%?

IMO your idea creates far more problems than it solves.  Has anyone thought about her going to her husband and saying:  I love you, but you're ruining your life by refusing to deal with your problems, so unless you get help the best solution is a divorce which provides enough money for me and the kids.  If you want to help her with this intervention, fine, but stay out of her sex life.

She has gone to him... and he knows that he has her over a barrel... that is the problem...

What I really worry about is one or the other of them getting violent.  This is a really bad situation.... not easily addressed.  Obviously the marrital asset split will be complicated depending on who gets what custody of kids etc.... but from where I sit, and what I see, she is in a tight spot.  if she divorces him... she pays him - through the nose....

Let them sort out their own issues.  It is not in anyone's best interest to get involved in domestic issues.

You should know better!

Solana

She HAS grounds for a divorce. Its call emotional abandonment. Tell her to talk to a lawyer.

Many men have chosen an alimony check over misery. It may be the best choice for her too.

if she gets good legal advice she will better know where she stands and what she can do, to strengthen her legal position.  I don't practice family law and don't practice in her state (I'm guessing NY).  But I do expect that, with intelligent, aggressive and creative legal counsel, she may well have/develop grounds to divorce without such risky shenanigans.

The most she has to worry about is 50% (still a hefty sum of their community property.) However, if she takes the kids, the payments won't be as large as you'd expect, I'm sure and let's be honest here, most courts love love love to award the kids to the mother. If he gets palimony, it will be for a period of x amount of years or until he marries again.

Tell her to spend her money on a real SHARK of a lawyer- the kind that makes every lawyer and judge in court sit up, take notice and wet themselves in fear. She needs a lawyer with some serious skills. This is not a time to cheap out.

The escort thing is just dumb, though... it will only complicate what I'm sure will be a messy divorce as it is.

Don't forget to tell her to biforcate it so that even if they have custody issues and difficulties sorting out the money stuff, they can still be divorced in a timely manner while duking it out over the rest of their assets and such.

.....getting involved. Typical woman behaviour, trying to get a FOOL to do her dirty work. Their problems are none of your business UNLESS you're trying to get into the sack with this woman.

However, I understand the need for you to help (if you're good friend with these people).  Unfortunately, by taking the approach you stated, it could result in serious repercussions in your life. By hiring an escort, you put yourself right in the middle of their problems and become an enemy to someone who is already depressed (not a good idea). Perhaps, it's a good idea if the lady gets a new bank account out state and starts stashing some money in it (unbeknownst to her husband). The best thing you can do is to suggest to her to find a good attorney and let her handle the rest.

Hugs,
Ciara

First, I truly doubt it would give him everything.

However, even if it did, it would be hard to find a tryster who'd want that special assignment.  Seeing married men is one thing, but seeing married men hired by a third party with the intent of causing a divorce?  If you could ever find her, Bizarro, think of the personality you'd be sending into his life.

I believe if the scheme comes out in court some way, it will be bad for you.  Using illegal activity to affect a civil court decision?  I don't know what the charge would be, but there has to be one.  My guess is it would be a felony.  

Bad BAD idea bizz!!! Let whatever happens between them happen on its own! You may make the situation worse,even if your intentions are good!

BSD -

The issue you describe is non-gender specific. Think about it. The same thing has happened a million times already with wives and husbands on opposite sides: One slobs out; the other gives up.

The family legal system in your state is set up and designed to deal with this in it's own horrible way. Your interference will only serve to create further damage during the inevitable.

If you want to help out, let the guy live with you and "take over payments", otherwise I'd suggest you smile, nod and shrug to all the appropriate cues, wish them well and be discretely doubtful.

b

tough enough with a 9-yr old daughter who is tougher than nails.. and a 12-yr old "what me worry" son!  lol!  The board has surprised me again... with its concern for me!  I am touched by that!  wish we had something better to give her (and for that matter, him).  But I think the harsh reality of divorce is the only tool left in the shed.  and should be used.

Thanks to all!  I was touched by the concern for me!

Better you should help her find a good divorce attorney, aka the meanest sonofabitch in the valley.

is shit on a stick and even you should stay away bizzare as you are. This is pandora's box on steriods and even her suggestion is bad and lacks courage. Hell, she's already getting shagged by someone else; her hurry to dump the guy and yes, he needs a good ass kickin.

and as I left... she was preggers... by 'nother dude!  so.... ya may be right.  

How do we human beans get this way?  As I posted below.... seems like just yesterday, I was sittin there, wondren if Penny could fly the Songbird, and what would happen if Hoss and Lil Joe were not thrown into jail when they went into town... or how did Miss Kitty earn a livin?!   and then we were on to the complicated matters... of well, these complicated matters....  !!! yup.... saturday mornin's were never like this... cowboys and TV's and home on the range....   Roy Rogers is ridin' tonight.

Maybe that is what Elton was talking about... think?

I received a note from the wife in the "situation."  Seems that she is having second thoughts... and she may wish to continue her existance "as is."  What is sad about that is I see her as providing an enabling activity... because while he is diagnosed as a person with clinical depression, and is on and takes his meds... he refuses the other part, counseling and insists that he is ok and behaving normally.... sheese!  my thought - because I do like both of these people - is that he will never get better -- and never have a "normal" (whatever that is!) life.  

My thought for today... as some have pointed out... this happens to both males and females in a marriage.... how often does it happen!???  can these people (forget the marriage for a moment) be helped...?   I know, not the stuff for TER - and ceratainly we are not prepared as a group to apply for our NIH - NIMH research grant ------ just yet! lol!  Thanks guys... it does help to bounce ideas off this group....   you're good!

It's not a woman thing or a man thing. We most all take that high dive without considering the true depth of the water.

I know a few really incredible long term marriages, but most (or many, at least) are some variation of misery with compromise. Having a partner that checked out emotionally is better than the one's that go actively destructive. This gal has the same choices many of us have faced: Do you carry the burden for the rest of your life, or pay the exit fees and probably never recover financially?

Do I sound experienced with this? LOL! The rule I was taught by my lawyer was "The laziest bum wins".

Yes, BSD, these people can be helped - Convince them to do what needs to be done ASAP, and not let it drag. Marriage without respect is Cancer - you need to operate quickly to reduce damage to the good part in people.

The old line about the price for providers being high is to get them to leave applies more to spouses (spice?) than the lovely gals on this board, only the price is for a LOT of hours, not just 1, 2, 4 or an overnight.

My "experience" cost me everything I had. But I wake up every morning thankful I'm not going to grow old, frail and possibly senile with a person that had quietly hated me for years, and could some day become responsible for my care. Better a by stranger in a state convalescent home, as far as I'm concerned.

As I like to say: "I have nothing left, but it's all mine", LMAO. Do I sound bitter? I'm not. I did the best I could and wish her well. She just "wasted some of my precious time", but it's alright. It was not intentional (I think).


b

I must admit, much of what you say is all too true.  Me too, as I wake each day, and not have to worry about my ex's reaction... although she still inserts herself to an extent.

My interaction with my kids is more what I want, my work is better, and most important, I can indeed sleep at night.  A provider love of mine even helped me get medical assisatance for a condition - and this is ironic, as my ex is a physician.  

All in all - I too was hurt financially, but what cost of freedom... and not freedom from marriage... I would give anything (just about) for a truly good marriage.... but freedom from hate, true hatred, freedom from lies (hers, not mine), freedom from accusations...  freedom from head games.... freedom from unrealistic demands - yea, freedom at the price of ending  a marriage and it was worth the price...

I hope that they choose to end the marriage... cause a bad one poisons the soul.

Peace.