I’m here to talk about power. Leaving aside role play, I think a critical factor in how much each party enjoys escorting has to do with how much power they think they have. If had a date with the most perfect provider, and a bodyguard was there wearing a pistol, I don’t think I’d enjoy that date, even if she said she’d do anything I wanted, no clock, 99% discount.  I’ve come to this conclusion based on what I’ve done as a client. The providers I’ve seen. The other clients I’ve met. The posts I read here. The content I see on Twitter.

So let’s start with what I’ve done. I’m a busy client. I have reviewed a minority of the providers I’ve seen, and most providers I’ve seen multiple times. I’ve had foursomes and threesomes. I’ve learned a lot about myself sexually in this period, but as much as I’ve done of that, I’ve learned a lot more about how the world works.

I started by seeing Backpage providers. The first one, I went to the place she said to meet, no one was there. I texted her and she said, oops, come to this other place. I was nervous as hell. She was at the second place but she was not the same person as who had talked to me on the phone. She was nice, and attractive, and it worked. But I left feeling a little bit cheated, jerked around.

The second one had very hot pictures. They were not of her. But she was hot, and smart, so I had a fun time with her until we started to play. She wasn’t very in to it. I’m not good looking, so I figured it was my fault. I went back again, and she was again not very in to the play. The next day she pleaded with me to come back, offered me a good deal, so I went back. She really didn’t make much effort to give me pleasure. I left in a bad mood, figuring that I was too fat and ugly to get someone to be with me even if I paid them.  

I felt powerless. One time I’d gotten the bait-and-switch, the second time I got someone who was cold. I was out more than $1,000 and hours of time. Although I had a burner phone and email, and I was using a fake name, I still worried that I would get outed by the second provider, who sent me daily messages asking me why I wasn’t coming back. I had given her a ride in my car and I was afraid she’d seen the license plate. I was mad and ready to quit this client thing.

Then I found TER. I quickly found two providers who were beautiful, intelligent, took great care of me, very erotic, priced within my budget, eager to see me, eager to hear about my kinks and work with them. My view of the world changed a great deal. I was still fat and ugly, but providers were awesome, thanks to TER!  I wrote reviews, trying to capture the fun of the experience.

As I expanded my interests, I started to find providers who wanted my real name and to see my ID. NO WAY, I thought, and I posted that once or twice. I’m a great guy!  They could ruin my life!  I am totally at risk here!  Now I could only trust TER, because at least if a provider outed a client, I’d learn about it here and cross them off my list. I resolved not to see such a provider.

But I hadn't forgotten my fears. And I had the client’s bruised ego – why can’t we get fulfilling intimate lives for free? These are the issues that some people on TER are confronting when they speak about never trusting providers, or putting them in their place, or that there’s something wrong with someone else getting paid for what I’d do for nothing (the old criticism of pro athletes). Add the customer is always right philosophy which is only taken seriously by someone who’s unaware of unreasonable people, and you’ve got the attitude of the dangerous and misogynistic posters on these boards. The people who think by damning everyone else, by being a bully, think they can have some power.

When TER changed the rating system, I understood that people were dissatisfied with score inflation, but requiring anal or a three-way to get a 10 seemed wrong. Providers want the best scores, clients want the best service… this could easily get dangerous. You want a 10? Do X for me, or give me a discount, or else I’ll give you an 7. It opened my eyes to the fact that reviews have coercive power. That seemed unfair. I slowed down writing reviews, only for providers who really wanted them. This was when I realized that I had some power in this relationship. I didn't have to use it (and I didn't), but I had it, and the providers who were on TER knew it.

Time passed, and I saw more and more providers. Every encounter was amazing. I was still fat and ugly, and they kept ignoring that and embracing me; I was an unskilled lover, and they kept coaching me to get better; I was boring, and they kept engaging me in conversation, before during and after our encounters. I said to myself, of course it’s for the money, but then they did things for free that they charge for, and I finally asked one, why do you do this? And she said, “It’s because I like you. I’m not afraid of you.”

That was nice to hear. I like to be liked. But what was this being afraid of me? I never asked questions about anything regarding her current personal life, so she wouldn’t think I was fishing for personal info that could be used to out her. What was she afraid of? That I’d short her envelope? I asked her.

She said, “You could hurt me.”  I was stunned. Beyond the questions of why I’d want to hurt her, or if I could, I said, “But you’d call the cops on me.”

She laughed and for a second, I thought she looked at me like I was a loser. Then she told me the truth about who’s got the power between providers and clients. She called it “workplace protections.”  She wasn’t talking about OSHA or the Social Security Administration, however.

Every day, around the world, from the Police Department to the Department of Justice to the Courthouse, you will hear, in the precinct house, in the DA’s office, directly from the judge’s bench:

“Honey, you were asking to be groped, you were wearing provocative clothing.”

“Hookers can’t be raped, they have sex for a living.”

“Another dead whore? One less problem on the streets.”

And the people who menace, assault, rape or kill are rarely investigated, let alone prosecuted, let alone sentenced to the time they’d give to someone who stole a car stereo.

If you don’t believe me, ask why the serial killers who target sex workers and are caught aren’t arrested until they’ve killed a dozen, or twenty, or more. Or look up the ages of the unidentified bodies currently in your county’s morgue. Why are there so many young people there? Why aren’t the cops solving those cases? Or read the book by Ronald Weitzer entitled “Legalizing Prostitution: From Illict Vice to Lawful Business.” Other reputable sources report that one in six sex workers in NYC have been sexually harassed or raped by the police, and 25% of sex workers in Chicago who reported being raped claimed the rapist had been a police officer (see link).

Every time a provider meets any client, whether they know them for years or just got a first text, whether in a hotel suite or in the front seat of a car, whether they have great scores on TER or they’ve delisted, they run the real risk of being unpaid and having no recourse to collect; the risk of being beaten or raped and then arrested if they call the police; the risk of being killed and their bodies dumped, cold cases forever.

If you think about that, you will understand who has the power. I’m not condoning bad behavior by providers, and it happens, but don’t abuse your power by tarring all providers as evil, or man haters, or rip off artists, or anything else. Don’t abuse your power by outing a provider and burning her personal life. Don’t abuse that power by thinking you are entitled to have her do anything other than spend time with you if she feels safe. Earn the rest by demonstrating you understand the forces working against her and you won’t give her anything else to fear.

-- Modified on 12/19/2017 1:44:31 PM