I have called it quites (well, maybe). I have finally realized that all the time I was hobbying I was searching for that perfect woman. I found her. There is none like her. I fell in love with her. Gave her thousands. I think is a small way she fell in love with me. There were signs, thing out of the ordinary. We spent the night together once at Barona and it was better than being on a honeymoon. When you have experienced the best, there is nothing to strive for. Oh, I tried other girls sense but I was extremely disappointed. God, I miss her... When we broke up for the second time I started psychotherapy.

I now realize how foolish I was. I spent over $20,000 in the past 5 years on sex. Strip clubs, lap dances, porno, massage parlors, providers, you name it. I could explain it all away by saying "Well, I am not getting it at home... I've got to get it somewhere." Bottom line: Sex is an addiction just like alcohalisum.

I used to post on TBD and TER every day (all day long)as Da-Mac and NCDude. Now I log onto those sites once a week just to see what is going on. I don't get excited like I used to. I see how stupid some of the posts are and how worked up people get over nothing. Oh yeah, I used to be right in the middle of it. I guess you could say that I just got burned out.

I am married to a wonderful woman. I am 50 something but I feel like I am 35. I think that all the LE activity of late has also been a factor in my curtailing my hobbying.

If any of you feel the same way, there is help. I let my TER membership lapse. One less thing to have to explain when the bank staement comes. Please contact me via email.

Hey guy.. I'm on the same road you are. Good luck and stay healthy.

Whoever PMed my I do not have access to my mailbox. I let my membership lapse. Please email me [email protected] Bud email me. I have something to ask of you.

why is it that every time someone starts to feel guilty about this activity they try to make us part of their therapy group?  If someone wants out then they should get out-- and there really is nothing wrong with that.  Really.  But it always seems like they either want to convince us to join them or help them in their "recovery".  I believe we are all in this for our own reasons and we all need to be at peace with ourselves.  If you're done-- then great.  Good luck and farewell.  Just don't try to drag us along with you.  Please.

I think most of us at some point decide that this hobby is not all fun and games and after some time the luster will fade.  I wish I could say that all I have spent over the last 5 years was $20,000.  A year or two ago that would not even cover the good part of a year and I wish that was not really the truth.  I know we all have different levels of fun money but at some point you start questioning the value of your expenditures and what you may have to give up in exchange to continue in this hobby if not controlled.

Some of us have a more addictive personality.  Some of us are attempting to fill a void that cannot really be filled by this hobby or the various other sex related venues, strip clubs or internet sites.  All I can say is the best of luck to anyone that wants to walk away from this hobby.  There are many that might be able to control things or are infrequent hobbyists and can stay within set limits. Not all of us fit into that category.  

I was lucky that I did not have to answer to a spouse or girlfriend.  I was also unlucky that I did not have to answer to a spouse or girlfriend.  As a single guy I was always looking for more than just the sex.  Hard to do in an environment when the other side is usually just looking for money and will say and do what is needed.

The ability to have sex on demand diminished the urge to search for a more conventional relationship.  I rationalized that it allowed me to stay more focussed on work. In return I let it take much more of my earnings so I was below a break even.  At least it kept me from having to go through a divorce settlement which might have been even more costly.

I have met some very nice people in my journey.  The diversity of individuals that are providers was and still is astounding.  The stereotype that most people have of a provider falls so short of the people I have met, not all, but many.  

If you can play in this hobby and it truly improves your life, feel very lucky.  If you are questioning the benefit or feeling worse after a session, it might be time to reconsider.  There have been many ruined lives along the trail of this hobby. The jury is still out as to whether I will be one of them. NCDUDE I wish you all the best and hope all turns out well for you. To all the others attempting to break free, may you find the strength you need and know that you are not alone.

I guess i'm at the other end of the spectrum.I'm in my 40's and have a long time SO.Just returned to the hobby after a 20 year hiates.Had three incounters in the last month.So far i would have to say the grass is not greener on the other side.Maybe i'm just not use to being intimate with someone i hav'nt known and trusted for years.Maybe i just hav'nt hooked up with the right provider.I'm conflicted at this point as to whether or not to try again.My SO will be out town in a couple of weeks,so i guess i've got some thinking to do.

I just started a "Yahoo Groups" support group. Email me to join.

Certainly not mine. That’s getting a little dramatic, don’t you think? It seems that there is a general trend among retiring hobbyists to post their parting disquisition and then expect an outpouring of affectionate farewells from those who remain. I’ve got to side with lasvegas86 on this one. Just go away. Nobody cares why you’re not going to continue on your present path. We don’t need to know. This is all just a pitiful plea for sympathy and acknowledgment from your (board) peers. If you’re so weak as to get your emotions caught up in all this and can’t handle it in any other way than to start your own support group, then you belong in psychotherapy. I just don’t need to know about it. Go hide in your Yahoo group where you can whine to those of like mind.  Maybe I can play your group a really sad song on the world’s smallest violin. By the way, how are you going to moderate a sexual addiction group when by your own admission you’re undecided on whether you’re determined to really get out (“I have called it quites (sp) (well, maybe).”)? Are you going to come back from getting laid by your ATF to counsel the members of the group that you started? Quite the Good Samaritan.
 If you really want out, then get out and don’t burden the rest of us with your weakness and go hang out with Mrs. Dude, the group and your psychotherapist.

I did not post this to say good by to the likes of you. (However you have taken it to be personal) My intent was to try and help those who would like help. In just one day I have had 15 resposes to this post from people of like minds. If I can help just one of them, then I am further ahead than you. We do not feel it is a weakness to seek help for an addiction.

I am sure you would give an alcoholic a drink. Which is the last thing he needs. We will gladly leave this pathetic lifestyle to those who feel that there is nothing else out there for them.

I refuse to get into a debate with you. You have ruined so many good threads on here. Please just leave this one alone.

Naughtius, you're entitled to your opinion, but to me you sound like someone who doesn't like hearing a conscience speak.  If anything, your anger is misplaced and doesn't belong on this board.

I don't think there is anything inappropriate about NCdude's post.  Obviously at least some share his sentiment.  I'm just about there myself.

-- Modified on 8/30/2003 4:37:38 PM

and I sure am not trying to initiate a debate with you.  You can call it callous and you can think me harsh and singling you out for ridicule but as usual, you're mistaken. I merely present a dissenting point of view. You're the one who got yourself into this. You're solely responsible for the situation and you're the only one who's able to extricate yourself from it. Don't preach to the rest of us and throw that holier than thou shit in my face. I've had enough of that for one lifetime and I don't have the patience for any more. Your opinion that this lifestyle is pathetic is just that, your opinion. It's every bit as valid as mine and just as open to ridicule and differing opinions. If you or anyone else doesn't like mine, fine.

-- Modified on 8/30/2003 8:01:40 PM

Thanks for corresponding with me when I got started in the hobby a couple of years ago.

The only person you need to worry about with your decision is yourself.  If you're happy with it, then that's what matters.

Take care.  You got my email address.

BKMan

NM,
I agree with putter.  I'm one of the "older" hobbyists around here adn it has cost me more that I could imagine.  Obviously I enjoy the hobby, but I would like to be able to get out.  I'm one of those who responded to NCDude's post.  And from his response, he sounds like a very caring and gracious guy.  There should be more like him around.  Thanks Dude for your responses.

my respect to you both, one for sharing with us his decision and the othe for eloquently dissenting.
in this we all learn and get smarter.

If you've identified yourself as a sex addict...right?

What the heck are you still doing here?

You don't need to be back, you need to be with your sex addict group(s). They are the ones you need to be relating to. Wipe this link off your computer.

You yourself likened your "addiction" to an alcoholic.  If you were an alcoholic would you walk into a bar and try to gather up other alcoholics to "help" them to an AA meeting?

Just go to your meetings and quit worrying about helping out others with your same affliction!  It sounds "noble" to you, but it's really you using it as an excuse to come back to your familiar patterns.

You're on the fence, NcDude....  Posting here, even clicking on the link to read the posts is evidence of that.  Cold Turkey Dude.  It's probably the only way out.  No need to project your weakness on the other TER guys.. everyone is different.

If these other guys feel like they need help, they can Google their way to find it, I'm sure.  Just like they Googled their way to TER.

Good Luck.  Now get to your Computer's History and your Favorites Site and wipe all the sex related sites OFF your computer!!  You're number 1!

Just wait until this lifestyle catches up with you and come back and tell me it isnt pathetic. Things you said to NCDUDE show me that you are an immature, impatient, selfish and left wing liberal bas***d.

Left wing? That's a hoot. I'm about as far right as I can get and damn proud of it. I prefer to keep my politics off the board so that's all I have to say on the subject. As for your subjective analysis of my personality, you're entitled to your opinion but why should I care what you think? Those who actually know me would refute each of your labels. I'll tell you one thing I'm not. I'm certainly not a coward hiding behind an alias. If you have something to say to me or anyone else for that matter, come out and say it and back it up with your real user name. It would have been easy for me to use an alias to voice what may or may not be an unpopular opinion but that's just not me. I stand behind my convictions. Do you?



-- Modified on 8/30/2003 8:05:36 PM

I've reread NCDude's post a few times now.  It's a bit rambling and confused, and it contains one striking inaccuracy.  The title is perhaps a bit pretentious, but on the whole I can't for the life of me find anything offensive about it.

He makes no effort to convince anyone else to get out.  He does offer support to anyone who has already made the decision to quit, but what's wrong with that?  

And what's with this "weakness" crap?  If one of your buddies at the after work coctail session annouces one day, "I've got a drinking problem and I can't hang out with you guys in this venue any more" do you criticize him for his "weakness" and tell him to just shut up and go away?  I hope not, and from what I know of you from the past I think not.

Dude's been a contributing member of this community for quite a while.  If he decides to "move out of town" I think he's entitled to say goodbye publicly.  If it annoys you, so what.  He's on the way out.  You and vegas aren't making yourselves look all that great by taking parting shots at his back.

For the record, I'm still in the game.  For how long?  Until I decide differently, which could be next month and could be never.  There's one more certainty to add to the classic 2: the future is always uncertain.

Oh, the inaccuracy I mentioned: he says "Sex is an addiction just like alcohalisum."  NOT!  The correct statement is that one can become addicted TO sex(no special name, just called sex addiction) just as one can become addicted to alcohol.  Hopefully it's obvious to all that there's a world of difference between the two statements.

As an alcoholic in remission, I must to say that you really got to the heart of the matter.

Elise, I do not have the luxury of PMing you so I will have to respond here. When I read your post last night I was upset that you would post such a negative attack. I had the utmost respect for you and all the other providers who so elequently post on here. I re read it this morning before I wrote a response. I now see that you are only trying to help me. I do not see it as a negative reply at all. You are a very careing person. If you weren't so damn tall I would have tied to see you when I was hobbying.

As I stated at the beginning of this thread, and you have pointed out, I am in the early stages of recovery. I see my therapist weekly and am in a 12 step program - S.L.A.A. Like all other addictions,(alcohal, tobacco, drugs, etc.)sex addiction consumes your life and make it hard to think straight. It is not the thinking about sex that gets me into trouble... It is in the acting out of the urges that does. I come here to visit my past, the part of me that is dying. It is in reading this, and seeing it for what it is, that helps in my recovery. And just maybe I can help someone else.

Hey Dionisios- I respect you and your opinions on this board quite a bit yet I must say I don't believe I was taking a "parting shot" at NCDude for saying goodbye.  I don't believe there is anything wrong with leaving or even saying goodbye.  I just don't think this is the right forum for unburdening our souls as they leave.  And I wasn't talking specifically about NCDude (ie the TruthShallSetYouFree thread) but this trend in general of trying to "help" us on their way out.

Yeah, NcDude, I’ve always been a straight shooter. I’m sure that did feel very harsh. And Yeah, I do care.
The thing about sex addiction, why it’s a bugger. Unlike other addictions, You’ll need Sex in your normal life.
The other thing is, that everyone here isn’t an addict.  There are a lot of healthy reasons to be in the position to do what I call “serial dating”.  Or whatever others wish to call their version of gifting and receiving!
So while for YOU it’s a “pathetic lifestyle”....PLEASE don’t project that on everyone here and please don’t use coming back and SAVING others as a reason to keep dropping by. For your OWN SAKE!
You’ve posted where you are and what people could do if they want help. You got some good response. Getting defensive is certainly normal in the early stages of recovery and totally understandable.  So is keeping on coming back and dipping a toe in.  
It’s called RELAPSE.
Now GO Dude.  Erase the link!  Get strong and Recover if that’s what you’ve identified you need to do and let us get back to OUR adult choice of playing and having fun.  I doubt anyone here wishes you ILL which is likely why some of us want you to move along and RECOVER!
In my admittedly limited view, Naughtius is more like a bartender kicking you out of the bar than someone offering an alcoholic a drink!
And to those of you that related to Dude, great! Go in Peace!
Best wishes!!  Namaste!
NOW, My Guy and I have got a bit more Back to School shopping to do.. My little one has a new computer and we need a couple more connections to get her online, Norton protected, and parental guidance controlled, ETC! Outta Here!
Peace!
Elise [email protected]

-- Modified on 8/31/2003 2:52:29 PM

Likewise.  I've respected your opinions, and Naughtious as well.  Mutual respect can stand the occasional disagreement.  I was really more concerned with Naughtious' posts, which seemed to express an excess of hostility.  

I didn't feel that his first post was trying to drag anyone along with him.  His offer to "help" was directed specifically to those who have already reached the same conclusions he has.  Also, I was defending his right to post as he did, not endorsing everything he said.  Personally, I think that a newly recovering addict should restrict his "help" to giving out the address of established organizations, not take on the task himself[see the subthread started below by Elise].

Live Long and Prosper---

I am not a sex addict! *SMILES*  I suppose that I understand addiction because it happens to be closely related to what I studied in college as well as that I took many support groups related to my anxiety that help me to relate.  

I believe ALOT Of people that date in this forum *including me* at one time~~do so for VERY HEALTHY reasons.  To name a few:  An ILL spouse.  A transition between marraige and divorce.  A "dead" marraige but the will not to "cheat" with a coworker, neighbor, but the will to stick to the marraige for other good reasons.  An SO that TELLS one to go out and get laid!  Severe social shyness.  Emotional in-availability.  Name your reason!

The reason I'm not currently dating among others, is mainly out of love and respect for My Guy.  He made a MAJOR CHANGE to come here and help me and more specifically my little one, through a tough time for me.  Although we're great at parenting and problem solving we are not the best couple (he was aware of this long ago) and I do foresee going back to "serial dating" in the future.  I fall into the NOT emotionally available category.  (I don't believe I'd ever love anyone the way I love My Guy!)

My addition of my email at the end of posts is merely because I can't be reached through TER mail and I'm not advertising anywhere.  I don't need help for any addiction, thanks for the thought.  I wouldn't communicate with anyone that has a sex addiction for the obvious reasons.  I believe sex addiction groups that are made up with a mixture of gender are ill thought out.

I meant my I am HEARDIT2 post most literally. I wish to stand by it and not revisit any issues therein. I again apologize for having to lead you somewhat astray with the prior goodbye from ElegantGFEelise. I had hoped My Guy would take me back to his home town and I certainly needed the time to get my "dirty little secrets" cleaned up and above board.  

My Guy is the only man I've ever let "take control" over anything in my adult life and he was right to make me stay instead of letting me run away in the face of fear.

Now I'm getting off the computer because he really dislikes the time I spend here!

Elise  [email protected]