It's also national Pi day  

unlike Valentines Day, which is mostly for women, and often leaves men scrambling on what to give as a gift, women don't have to worry about what to give their man.  Its all in the name, baby.

and not a Special to be found

Must be the time change. Even my regulars have been quiet this morning. Might have to take matters into my own hands.

you're going to cook your own steak, or what?

Animal abuse. Be careful you don't get PETA riled up for choking your monkey.

choke a monkey or a chicken for that matter (at least not without a safe word), I'm not into S&M. That said, some monkeys need to be spanked now and then. Now polishing a bishop may be symbolic retribution for past bad acts by the church!