The Proper Christian Diet

Setting the kosher jokes aside, since Mein is of the opinion that the bible not having changed in 3300 years is a good thing, I thought it would be a good time to examine this in greater detail.

I will be using the New American (Catholic) Bible since it's written in modern American English.

Today I will be focusing on the book of Leviticus, which can be found here:

http://www.usccb.org/nab/bible/index.shtml#leviticus

What strikes me most is just how much blood and gore is filled in this book. Chapter 1:15 tells us the proper way to sacriface a bird: "the priest shall snap its head loose and squeeze out its blood against the side of the altar."

This chapter seems to make it clear that God does indeed have a fondness for animal sacriface, and it seems to be a near cure-all, even for accidential sins.

Chapter 4:1-3 informs us: "When a person inadvertently commits a sin...if it is the anointed priest who thus sins and thereby makes the people also become guilty, he shall present to the LORD a young, unblemished bull as a sin offering for the sin he committed."

The gore continues (4:4-7): "he shall lay his hand on its head and slaughter it before the LORD....dipping his finger in the blood, he shall sprinkle it seven times before the LORD,...The rest of the bullock's blood he shall pour out at the base of the altar of holocausts".

The amount of animal sacriface is so extensive that, while being indistinguishable from Satanic rituals, one wonders how many people starved to death from the "sin" of menstration alone.

Of course, the more amusing parts appear in Chapter 11, which gives detailed instructions on what you can and can't eat.

11:3 informs us that: "any animal that has hoofs you may eat, provided it is cloven-footed and chews the cud." which is bad news for horse lovers.

But 11:6-7 lets us know that: "the hare...is therefore unclean for you; and the pig...is therefore unclean for you.

This even includes the touching of their dead bodies (11:8) which is bad news for football fans.

11:9-11 tells us that "Of the various creatures that live in the water, you may eat the following: whatever...has both fins and scales...But of the various creatures that crawl or swim in the water...that lack either fins or scales are loathsome for you...Their flesh you shall not eat, and their dead bodies you shall loathe."

Which is bad news for the Alaskan crabbing industry. Which also makes me wonder why the God Hates Fags crowd don't protest in front of Red Lobster.

11:13 tells us "Of the birds, these you shall loathe and, as loathsome, they shall not be eaten" which includes (11:19) the stork, the various species of herons, the hoopoe, and the bat."

I guess God forgot to tell Moses and Aaron that bats are mammals.

11:21 informs us that: "of the various winged insects that walk on all fours you may eat those that have jointed legs for leaping on the ground...you may eat the following: ...locusts...grasshoppers...katydids, and ...crickets."

Remember, the Bible is the eternal word of God, and as thus, is infallible. Bon appetit!