TOP 9 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD BAPTISM SERVICE
9. The Coast Guard is involved.
8. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.
7. Pastor wears scuba gear.
6. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from "Jaws."
5. The preacher uses a "Billy the Bass" singing "Take Me to the River" instead of the traditional "Shall We Gather at the River?"
4. You keep hearing the pastor saying, "Oops! Honestly, sister; I didn't know about that drop-off!"
3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear.
2. Just as the choir starts to sing, Paul Hogan jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission.



1. Two words: Alka Seltzer

The Sign
 
Two ladies of the night were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
 
 
                                                                  
"Two Prostitues *-$50.00
 
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either remove the sign or go to jail.
 
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:  
                                                                  'JESUS
SAVES."
 
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?  
"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled.  "Their sign
pertaining to religion."
 
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and off.
 
The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
 
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
 
                                                      
"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter--- $50.00."
 
HAHAHAHA - Have a nice day!

Wonder how many acually work, lmao.

Rude & Crude Pick-up Lines
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.
2. Nice legs... what time do they open?
3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking     out my
package.
4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the   only one talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted   Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman   on earth tonight.
9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the   hell outta me.
10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug,   so I could
ride you all day long for a quarter.
11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to     heaven?
14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty   is only a light switch away.
15. Are those real?
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even   farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you   by morning.
19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to   suck itself.
20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
22. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?
23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on         my bedroom floor. 24. My name is (name)... remember that, you'll be screaming
    it later.
25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk         to you.
29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want   to.
30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have   you been drinking?
31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth,   I
bet we could do it in public.
32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why?   Don't you like
pizza?
33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover... you shouldn't go
    home without me.
34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see   myself in them.
36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went   into this cheap motel room.
37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these   wet clothes.