I said, "Yeah the fucking drain is clogged again.

"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full

It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

A rooster says, "cockadoodledoo".
Your mom says, "anycockledoo".

...even Dora cant explore her.

Blonde: No! i know that if i dont touch you then I'll never die!
Death: Holy shit! You figured out the key to living forever! You're soooo smart! High five!
Blonde: *high fives*  
Death: Typical blonde... Dumbass..

They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed."  

They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.

Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic,calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:  

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!"

She says, "I'm 5'4 and i'm in the front seat."

(pause)

"O.K." says the voice in the radio.......
"Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven........

ext time someone adds me, It will say 'you are now friends with Benefits

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.  

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."  

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No, it's because you're 25.

once you smack a mosquito it stops sucking

it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

That settles it, she's pregnant

I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last

So once a month my computer asks if I want to 'back dat ass up'.

he grass tickles their nut

o I ordered very sloooowly because obviously she doesn't listen

where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.  

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.  

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.  

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"  

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

"If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.  

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."  

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."  

Then Little Johnny says,  
"I have a question for YOU.There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"  

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies,  
"Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."  

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...  

.....but I like your thinking.

A: a rip off!

Come to cleveland tonight!

Come on down!!!

Roses are red. Spend the night with me and I’ll teach you all kinds of cool scientific stuff like that!  

You’re hair is just about as purdy as that squirrel’s I skinned this morning. And it smells just as good!  

I got have tons of these we can talk about

Re@d subjEKT