I've been considering taking up hobbying recently. I'm not exactly a newbie, I did it alot during the 90's, a couple of high class places (remember La Bella Femina in Philly - got some nice memories of that place) and alot of AMPs. Then I met my wife, and have been with her ever since.

My wife is very beautiful, but has some sexual issues, and recently these are getting worse. BBBj is very rare, and when it does happen it lasts less than a minute. CIM is out of the question and she hates DATY. After the birth of our son, she's not even into regular sex anymore. Vaginal was pretty good and was enough for a while, but its gotten so "the Same" every time. She is just going thru the motions and not really liking it. I do get off, cuz she's so hot, but it is beginning to get really frustrating.

I brought home a little toy the other day (a cock ring with a built in vibrator), she just ignores it when I show it to her and changes the subject to dinner with my parents! She has made it fairly clear that she doesn't need sex, doesn't really like it when we do have it, and really has no desire to change.

Don't get me wrong, I love this woman, and our family. I have no desire for another relationship or a divorce, I just need some good sex every once and a while!

Hence, hobbying.

I've been checking out sites like eros and TER, and have found some girls that I think would be amazing to be with (I'm almost afraid to meet Tiffany Lockheart, can she possibly be that great? If she is, could I ever survive it?).

My main concern is not with guilt or getting caught, but will I actually get relief from my frustrations, or will I just end up resenting my wife more and more?
I'm sure the ladies would be able to relieve my immediate needs, but would that help or hurt my relationship with the wife?
If I'm relaxed and not frustrated maybe I can handle the lack of sex at home, and actually improve my relationship with her.
Or on the other hand maybe it'll be "Tiffany did BBBJCIM with me, why won't the woman that supposedly loves me do it?" Making the relationship worse.

I'm sure most people would say try therapy and get your wife to defrost, but her issues are pretty deep, and I'm sure that if it ever happens it'll be years and years of counseling, and I'll finally get BBBJCIM from a 65 year old, not the hottie I'm married to now.

Married guys - any answers, suggestions, or advice?

I am certain you will get a great deal of useful advice from many of the men here, but this post would also do very well if you post it on the Erotic Highway and let the Love Goddess take a crack at it. I am certain she could offer you some very sage advice.

Good luck to you, whatever your decision may be.

I think I'd start by having that heart to heart at a time that emotions are calm.  Explaining what you did here can open doors to discussion, even if it doesn't fix anything.  I certainly wouldn't recommend saying "I'm gonna get some, and would prefer it to be from you", but there are subtle ways of hinting at it.

There are plenty of ladies out there that can give share an hour (or more) of insane pleasure.  What you walk away with will most likely be a combination of relaxation AND resentment.  They're both pretty normal feelings in your situation.

Good luck, however it turns out.

-- Modified on 2/8/2007 3:43:22 PM

I am in the same situation you describe and took up hobbying a short time ago.  I can tell you that two things happened to me, although you may have a different experience.

1) I met my ATF who I have an awesome time with; because I was able to satisfy her physicals needs too (she's very GFE) I regained a TON of personal confidence that I had lost during the course of my marriage because my wife wasn't interested

2) Because I was no longer bothering my wife as much for attention, our sex life actually improved because the only time we do it now is when she's in the mood, and now that I don't bug her that's happening more and more often.  

This was a surprise to me because I, too, thought I would feel resentment towards her, but that has not been the case.  I have found that I'm more relaxed, more confident, and more myself than I have been in a while and she's no longer feeling the pressure of underachieving in the bedroom.

YMMV, but that's my experience with this so far after about 5 months.

Thanks, I did that

I concur with SLOT.  I was married for twenty years (I got caught, but that's another matter.)  I would have hated to think what those twenty years would have been like had I not had the pleasure of meeting some super women who made life all worthwhile.

My ex was decent enough in a number of ways, but your description of what happens after child birth is so typical.

I thought that losing my ex would be the end of the world, but instead it has opened up a whole new world.  Of course, it's a world with a lot less money, but I still get buy and I love my freedom.

but I think it is incredibly rare that a person can honestly say that sex with another woman actually improved the marriage.
It may not make it worse, but I would't count on it to make anything better.

This is my first post, but I've lurked for a month. I am in just about the exact same boat as the poster. Married 23 years, sexless marriage, etc, etc. I'm really close to picking my first provider and have read a ton about how to go about things. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one.

I know at times it seems hard to imagine that many other gentlemen are actually in the same situation that you are in...… but,I will offer my exposure to what you have described, based on the gentlemen that I know.

Many times, as a man and his wife spend years together, they may grow in different directions. The fact that you feel you have a more intense interest in sex than your wife is a very common belief in couples who have been married for a number of years.

Often, I meet a gentleman who has many of the same concerns that you have. It isn’t surprising to me that when I first meet a gentleman he is almost to the point of not even being able to remember what it was about this woman he was attracted to.

He will comment on her hairstyle, her cooking, her house keeping, even the friends that she associates with. Of course the biggest issue is the fact that she doesn’t enjoy sex as often or as long or as varied as he does.

Usually, I will make it a point to ask within the first couple visits how his relationship with her might be. I have had the same response on each occasion. The gentleman usually starts to realize it really wasn’t her hair style or her house keeping or anything else. His frustration with the sex issue was influencing his opinion on everything else. When the sexual frustration is removed from the situation, the gentleman usually starts to realize again what he appreciates in his wife.

To be honest some of the gentlemen I have spent time with have even taken to an advanced level of analogy and actually told me later on that he couldn’t imagine me fulfilling any of the avenues that his wife fulfills. It is always a wonderful realization when a client starts to appreciate his wife for what she adds to his life and for him to recognize what part our encounters add to his world.

I have never had a client tell me, after developing an ongoing relationship, that he resents or expects his wife to live up to the sex or the relationship that he shares with me...

I am like Disneyworld...… it’s nice to visit and fun to enjoy but it isn’t reality.

You can also rid yourself of the sexual frustration of the physical need and this will make you more capable of the romance that relationship would probably benefit from.

Best wishes...… Kisses ~Tori    

If you think that you need to go outside of your marriage to get good sex then I would say go ahead and do it. I have for about twenty years now. Do not however kid yourself for one second into thinking that it will improve your situation at home.  It won't. It may make YOU happier but, IMHO,you are dealing with something that goes a lot deeper than bad sex when you start using the word "resentment" while talking about the woman you love. My hunch is that there may be problems on both sides. How you want to deal with it is up to you and your spouse.

I am right there with you.  23 years and it started down hill (sex wise) after our first child.  I real would rather have a meaningful, fullfilling sex life with her but its just not happening.  I have try all the thing you have with the same results. My bride is great except for this one thing and she is not will to work on this.  When she gets hers it over. I do not want a girl friend, another wife or the emotion drama that an afair generates. I also do not want to be divorced.  Thats why I want to avoid an arrrest.  I believe that her finding out about this in a public way, embarressing her, would cause a divorce where as her find out privately would be less severe.  And of course I would rather her not know at all.  In short, I am there with you. Damned if I do and Damned if I don't.....

I'm in a very similar situation. I love my wife very much: we are best friends. However, sex has never been good and has always been a source of resentment and tension.

"Hobbying" is not really what I would call seeing a provider, I call it therapy instead. It actually allows me to explore and have fun, which for me, allows me to feel less resentment. I'm having fun and don't feel as if I'm missing out on life. It may not be directly improving the marriage, but it does keep me from focusing on that negative aspect.

Having an affair with emotional attachments would surely worsen the relationship.

Anyway, the simple enough solution is to go out and give it a try. Let us know how it goes.

I, like Mr. Fisher, was unhappily married to a sexless wench and looked elsewhere.  I was also caught and gleefully gave her EVERYTHING for my freedom.

Best choice I ever made.  Now I have a kinky bi GF that encourages me to experiment..and that really appreciates my sexual gifts.

Being married and miserable just isn't worth the damage it does to your self-esteem.  As for me, I am with a partner---but can never see getting remarried.

Had the same problem...after a few great visits with great providers...still love my wife and find our relationship even better as I do not have any more resentment for her lack of understanding or desire for my sexual needs.  I am a little older...59...and still am very romantic and "frisky"...good luck.

Tori, Are you the person on the left or the right in the above photo?!  

As a woman, I think she has to FEEL sexy in order to have incredible sex. She may be the most beautiful woman in the world and maybe she just doesn't feel it... so try talking to her and making her feel like a goddess. Putting on new lingerie (for me) makes me want to show off my stuff and get kinky.