Earlier this evening I met with my first provider.  And while the experience is still fresh in my mind I’d thought I’d jot down some “newbie tips” so you other first-timers don’t make the same mistakes I did.

1. SCHEDULE IN ADVANCE: Just because Newbie’s grown a pair, doesn’t mean the earth is going to stop rotating on its axis.  Providers are people too and have busy schedules.  If you wait till the last minute you’re bound to be disappointed.

2. EASY WITH THE SCISSORS, CHIEF:  Sure, gals may prefer a man who’s neatly groomed both above and below the collar.  But if you tackle your Jimmy with an ol’ beard trimmer an hour before your date, you’ll end up looking like you’re hosting every STD in the book.  And on a serious note, nicks and scratches, especially those towards the base where a hat might not reach, put both you and the provider in danger.

3. VIP!: Picking a provider through TER without VIP privilege is like buying paint with your eyes closed.  Not only will VIP help in selection, but it’s also one of the only ways to know the provider’s rules beforehand.  Constantly stopping the intimacy to “talk shop” eats time and ruins the mood.

4. RELAX: Stop trying to imagine what the experience is going to be like before you get there.  The mental image you’ve lovingly crafted in your head will be wrong.  Not only is every provider different (obviously), but Hollywood has filled our heads with so much baseless “info” about the biz.  
Your best bet is to approach the encounter like you’re seeing an old girlfriend who’s in town briefly on business.  You’re going over to her hotel to chat a bit and get in a quickie.

5. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT: A provider may be put off a bit if she’s doing a strip tease and you’re standing there like a deer in the headlights.  While providers may be better than the average gal at reading body language, they are not Counselor Troy from STNG.  Before you arrive decide if you’d like to start with conversation or a backrub, or if you plan on wearing tear-away clothes.

6. DON’T WORRY ABOUT YOUR PEFORMANCE: Only Tibetan monks have any control over their sympathetic nervous systems.  Take advantage of the one time where it doesn’t really matter if you’re “Gone in 60 seconds.”  


Above all, don’t stress out.  Don’t make a big deal out of this rendezvous; the provider certainly won’t.  If you approach the experience in a healthy state of mind you wont’ find yourself like I was, 2 hours before the date, staring at your bank card sticking out of an ATM machine that’s sitting inside a locked Washington Mutual antechamber.  =oP

isn't a slam, or flame, but I found your post side splittingly funny. Sort of like a guy that boiled an egg once, starting up a culinary school! lol  Hey, congrats on getting your cherry popped!

This is one of the best posts I have seen on TER, bar none.

Congratulations on your consummation of hobbyist status and for a wonderfully entertaining and informative essay on your experience.

A solid 10 - 10 score.

For point (2), use a triple edge razor, not a trimmer, and do it days before the date. From then on it's just a matter of routine maintenanace -- just a couple minutes a week.

Thanks all.  Sir F-- Alot, I'll give you my lecture tour schedule as soon as it's in from my publicist.  =oP

Seriously, though, I'd like to write a review of this gal (so I don't have a 0 by my name).  But when I hit the "submit review" button, it gives me this extensive form--one that looks like it's for a new provider.
How do I write a review for a gal that already has a review page on TER?

Great post, great feedback.  Glad to know that things went well

I agree with your comments on #2 and the feedback from BBrain.  This type of maintenance should not be done at the last minute.  I have also found that trimmers designed for ladies work well (not a surprise, since this is regular maintenance for them) and a wet trim allows you to get close with less irritation. Check out the selection at Walmart, Target, etc.  The units are not expensive. Beard trimmers are NOT an option, they will nick and cut.

Supposedly, TER will figure out where it goes.

-- Modified on 2/17/2006 2:39:29 PM

And every review you submit you must fill in all of those pesky "fields". It's worth it though and it's what makes TER better.

In all fairness, the one single time that you learn the MOST about boiling an egg is the first time you try it...
Who better to write a _basic_ tips for newbies than a guy who just finishd sweating them out?

Great post Dan.  Now, get the review written so we can see who the lucky lady was.

I agree, very good for a newbie like me to read that over.

One change, though. While the sympathetic system will get it up, the parasympathetic is in charge of the pop. Yes, it's nitpicking. No, it doesn't matter.

Resurrecting ancient thread to correct Nidoking67.  You got it backwards.