Earlier this evening I met with my first provider.  And while the experience is still fresh in my mind I’d thought I’d jot down some “newbie tips” so you other first-timers don’t make the same mistakes I did.

1. SCHEDULE IN ADVANCE: Just because Newbie’s grown a pair, doesn’t mean the earth is going to stop rotating on its axis.  Providers are people too and have busy schedules.  If you wait till the last minute you’re bound to be disappointed.

2. EASY WITH THE SCISSORS, CHIEF:  Sure, gals may prefer a man who’s neatly groomed both above and below the collar.  But if you tackle your Jimmy with an ol’ beard trimmer an hour before your date, you’ll end up looking like you’re hosting every STD in the book.  And on a serious note, nicks and scratches, especially those towards the base where a hat might not reach, put both you and the provider in danger.

3. VIP!: Picking a provider through TER without VIP privilege is like buying paint with your eyes closed.  Not only will VIP help in selection, but it’s also one of the only ways to know the provider’s rules beforehand.  Constantly stopping the intimacy to “talk shop” eats time and ruins the mood.

4. RELAX: Stop trying to imagine what the experience is going to be like before you get there.  The mental image you’ve lovingly crafted in your head will be wrong.  Not only is every provider different (obviously), but Hollywood has filled our heads with so much baseless “info” about the biz.  
Your best bet is to approach the encounter like you’re seeing an old girlfriend who’s in town briefly on business.  You’re going over to her hotel to chat a bit and get in a quickie.

5. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT: A provider may be put off a bit if she’s doing a strip tease and you’re standing there like a deer in the headlights.  While providers may be better than the average gal at reading body language, they are not Counselor Troy from STNG.  Before you arrive decide if you’d like to start with conversation or a backrub, or if you plan on wearing tear-away clothes.

6. DON’T WORRY ABOUT YOUR PEFORMANCE: Only Tibetan monks have any control over their sympathetic nervous systems.  Take advantage of the one time where it doesn’t really matter if you’re “Gone in 60 seconds.”  


Above all, don’t stress out.  Don’t make a big deal out of this rendezvous; the provider certainly won’t.  If you approach the experience in a healthy state of mind you wont’ find yourself like I was, 2 hours before the date, staring at your bank card sticking out of an ATM machine that’s sitting inside a locked Washington Mutual antechamber.  =oP