somehow my wife got into my email, put two and two together and confronted me.  i saw a provider on a business trip, and now she wants out.  she is incredibly angry with me, i'm extremely frustrated by the lack of intimacy in my marriage (why else would I seek out a provider?), and now a 15 year marriage is going down the drain.  I'm not sure why I'm telling my story of woe here, but maybe there are others with some perspective on this situation.  Thanks.

It is a lesson to all...my profile is password protected.  I'm lucky enough in that my SO is cool with porn, so the security is allegedly to keep out the little one, but it also keeps her from my email.

Good luck, I hope it turns out OK for you.

who has a SO or someone who does not want anoher to find out anything not use an anonymous email address freely available using hotmail, gmail, yahoo mail or any of the others of the free email services.

They are free, unaccessable by anybody except with the password, and unknown to anybody who does not know about them.  I have heard many stories from both men and women who have gotten caught by incriminating emails in their normal email account.  

Just like you should have a seperate prepaid cellphone, you should definately have a seperate email address.

Anyways back to the original poster... Perhaps it is for the best.

I do have a separate password protected yahoo account.  the problem was i had opened it and forgot to close it when I put my daughter to bed.  Moral of the story - no system is foolproof.  In the end, anyone can make a slip.

It may seem obvious, but women can be very forgiving, more so than you might suspect.  Practically speaking, divorce is not a good option for most women, also. Most married women don't want an open marriage, but on the other hand, most married women are not so naive as to believe their man may never stray, or at least, think about straying.  Men are about actions and women are about words (as I learned later) In all the anger, the one thing my ex did not do was TELL me he wanted to save the marriage, that he wanted me, that he loved me. Seems obvious, but for me, that would have worked miracles. And you may have to listen to her talk and say a lot of hard things, and just say: I hear you.  For me, these words would have made me stay, at least long enough to give it another shot (although it was a good thing in our case that the marriage ended, after all), so you may try it.  In your case, since she knows what has transpired, it would not hurt to come clean.  You could say b/c of the lack of intimacy in your marriage, you sought a provider, but the person you always loved was her, and that you now really want to make it work.  I would still expect her to get mad immediately but the words take time to sink in and make her think.  If you want her, you could try this, or offer to go to marriage counseling (to address not just your actions but the problems in the marriage that prompted it), and you know, flowers and cards and stuff would not hurt, even if she throws them back at you, it will start to build in her heart that you are trying.  But only do this if you really want her and you want to rebuild trust and intimacy in the marriage.  If you both are terribly unhappy, well...time is a great healer.  Just a feminine perspective.  I'm no Dr Phil!  But good luck.

...as shown by our new hero, even a protected email account is not foolproof if you forget that you've left it up.  I do agree that you should use an anonymous email address, though.  However, if I had a separate prepaid cellphone, I'd be more likely to get caught with it, misplace it, etc. and then have to explain it when it winds up in my wife's hands.  So, I'm better off using my regular cellphone, and being careful to delete the calls I make and receive.  Because, even if I forget to do that, I can still avoid getting caught or having to do a fancy tap dance.

-- Modified on 4/14/2006 6:47:00 AM

I disagree with a lot of what has been said here. For those unfamiliar with the allusion,The Purloined Letter is a short story by Edgar Allan Poe in which everyone is looking for a stolen letter, which is actually sitting in plain sight.

I don't try to hide much of what I do.   I have only one cell phone, and I have the names of several ladies identified in it (although I use men's names, e.g., Allen for Alina).  I don't try to hide much of what I do on my computer in my home office.  When my wife comes in, I try to close what I am looking at if it is TER, but if she catches me and asks me what it is (as she has) I say it is an information site.

If you don't try to be too sneaky, it makes harder to make a mistake.   At least that one man's opinion.

I somewhat agree with KL. I use my regular cell phone as well and try to only leave the a number I need on it. I do have a few of my regular providers numbers saved as employees of a particular client.

I rarely open TER at home but I do have a separate hotmail account which can be quickly logged off if the wife enters.

The more elements you have to keep up with the greater the chances of forgetting and fowling up. So ... I try to keep it simple.

TOMC

Hey Bro, not that getting divorced is a great thing however, it sounds as though there were issues that were unresolved in the marriage anyway. If you love her but she is not your "type" in the bedroom then she isn't the right one for you.Maybe you wanted to get caught? at a minimum you wanted to have another satisfy your hunger so listen to what you want this time. Maybe you aren't the kind who can be married to just "one". There are others of us  out here with the same issue so do not feel alone. If you really think about it your issues are probably more that you will be losing the comfort of your home and trappings that go with it. You will be better off. Maybe after some time apart you two will rekindle but never never go back on what you say this time. If it was a sex thing tell her that. Don't give the old "this has nothing to do with you " speech. Tell her why you did it. Maybe she is mature enough to handle it and will learn how to loose her gag reflex and spread her a_ _ or whatever it was that you were out chasing. If you need a whore once in awhile and your wife won't be one well...... You may be broke for a while but you will rebound. Enjoy the freedom. Spend it learning about you and what you really want. You know and now the rest of us know one thing you do not want that cold fish you are married to the way she is. Remember these things happen all the time and there are reasons as to why. Just be honest with her and remember you can't unexplode a bomb. F_ck it. Go out have fun.

this is the ultimate hobby of self indulgence!!!  What are you willing to give up for some fun?

Fortunately, I am single, no kids, and willing to risk the shame of my mother and sister.  However, I know there are alot of guys here who have more to loose than I do.  I can only hope that they are careful in their choices.

There is a great software that's free to download off the internet which will help anyone who wants to surf and view sites and email discreetly. It's called Ghostzilla. Just be sure to read the manual.
I've even left my computer on at work and no one even knows i'm online (private company)

Thank you for the perspective.  You are right on many counts.  We were in marriage counseling when I got caught - I was angry about my wife's commitment (or lack of), and here I am.  She is now buying a new house, and making arrangements for a separation.  I think now that even if she didnt find out, things would not have gotten appreciably better.  In the end, it's about a lot more than sex - in other words, my wife is not leaving me because I saw a provider, but because of the nature of our relationship which led me to seek sex outside of our marriage.  I guess it made her realize that no matter how hard she tried, she was not going to be able to satisfy my needs and didnt want that "pressure" anymore.