I don't think you're going to get a lot of flak. Your concerns are valid -- herpes (and other STIs) *can* be contracted through DATY and even via sex with a condom. Whether the transmission rates are too high for you is a personal decision.

There really is no way of telling -- short of seeing active sores -- if a person is infected with HSV-1 or HSV-2. Many people are infected and don't know it because they never become symptomatic.

Personally, I would consider it rude if someone asked me if I were "clean". Or maybe not rude, but certainly inappropriate since it insinuates what I sell is not time but something more salacious. I wouldn't even answer the question were it posed to me. And, of course, you never know if the person you're asking is lying to you -- or if she even knows. Herpes testing is not among the common STD tests run, and as I mentioned before, many people are asymptomatic. (I have to ask for it specifically when I'm tested.)

So, yep, personal decision. If you decide the risk from DATY/BBBJ is too high, most ladies will not be offended if you request to keep all activities covered.

I find Saran Wrap, recommended in this article (below) works better than latex as a dental dam; and I bring a square with me. It's as important as a condom. This fixes the DATY problem. A dental dam isn't so practical for kissing, however.

Someone else will have to tell you protocol. I'm clueless about that; but I would suppose that since providers are professionals charging major $$ for their services, they would have a professional obligation to reveal such information up-front even if not asked. Certainly, I couldn't imagine being insulted as the presence/absence of STDs is an integral aspect of their professional qualification. You wouldn't hire a lawyer who couldn't demonstrate having passed the bar exam.

Not all herpes simplex type-II lesions are on the genital surface -- some may be in the vagina and hidden from view. It is still debated whether type-II is more or less transmittable if an active lesion is present; so it is safer to assume it is transmittable even if you see no lesions.

There is nothing available for you to use as a spot-check for herpes; and the only available spot check (for professional use only) requires material from an active lesion. (It uses a form of DNA recognition.)

There are home tests available that are sent to a professional lab. They cost about $150 and give results in as little as 48 hours. As these test for the presence of antibodies, and antibodies can take 12-16 weeks to develop; a negative test does not assure safety.

Now, for an excerpt from the article on the use of a dental dam from herpes.com:

Yes, it is possible to transfer the herpes virus from the mouth to the genitals or from the genitals to the mouth, because transmission occurs when there is contact with an infected or viral shedding area. ... To answer the other question you had, that since you have been diagnosed with genital herpes, can you spread this to future partners by kissing or oral sex ... If you do have herpes on your lip, then you can infect your future partners if the infected or viral shedding lip area comes in contact with their lip or genital area.

...

In fact, they are making dental damns in many varieties. In general, they are latex squares and they usually measure somewhere about 8 to 6 inches. They can be purchased singly; they can be purchased with flavor. ...

The way that you use the dental damn during sex, you will stretch it across your partner’s genitals in order to prevent your tongue from touching your partner.
...

When you want to get romantic with somebody and it is not convenient to run out to an adult store, there are ways you can make dental damns right at home. One way is by making a damn out of a condom. In this case, do not use a condom that is lubricated. Since you are going to be putting your mouth on it, that would definitely be a turn- off.

You can make your own dental damn......Now to make a damn out of a condom, first you cut off the tip of it and then you cut off the base. Finally, cut down one of the sides. You now have an instant square latex damn. ... Another helpful barrier for oral sex is right in your kitchen and that is using plastic wrap, but specifically using Saran Wrap. This is a brand that has been tested by the FDA for its ability to stop viruses. So, Saran Wrap will work and many people like Saran Wrap since it is not as thick as the latex used for the dental damns so it might heighten some feelings of sensitivity and also for the person who is going to be giving oral sex, it’s also going to enhance your ability to be able to enjoy the feel of your partner’s genitals.

After using a damn, always remember it is very important to carefully dispose of your damns after you use them. Never reuse a damn. You may inadvertently put the wrong side towards your mouth, and that would be defeating the purpose.

------------------------

Be safe!

DATY is actually one of the safer things you can do...but of course, you could give her herpes, or she could give it to you.  Other STDs aren't easily transmittable from DATY.
BBBJ is riskier...most of the common STDs can be passed back and forth this way.  Although the risk is lower than for unprotected intercourse, it's certainly not risk-free.

If I asked a client if he was 'clean'  I would expect a 'yes', regardless of his status.  Often people don't know they're infected because they're asymptomatic, and there're no visible signs.  
And if someone (client or provider) shows up to a meeting knowing that they have an STD, they probably aren't going to 'fess up if asked.  
You can't rely on the other person to protect you...you can only do your homework (it sounds like you are) and protect yourself as much as possible.

I'm pretty paranoid about STD's too. I've started preferring providers that do CBJ and with ones that do BBBJ I request a cover now. Which, right there, is safer than the times I've taken a girl home from the bar and got BBBJ. I'm also not into DATY so that helps alleviate some more fears for me. It's possible I could still catch something. But it's just as likely I could catch something from hooking up with a non-provider as well...and in fact I feel like it's riskier just based on anecdotal conversations I hear from people discussing how they don't even use a condom for anything at all. At least with the providers I choose, even if they offer DATY/BBBJ, they are covered FS. Vehemently.

So I look at it compared to meeting non-providers and I actually feel safer about it. At least on this board there tends to be reviews about a provider and you can look into their don'ts and people's experiences with them. And you can tell up front how covered they go, which is usually more than you get from a non-provider.